I’ve lost, hell, I probably never stood a chance at him loving me or thinking I’m the one, but to be so summarily dismissed before I could get a chance…?
“Yes. I, we met just before…and I had to leave her.”
He doesn’t elaborate, but he doesn’t need to. I know the score here—just as I knew it months ago. Years ago.
Law doesn’t love me, and he never will. I’m disposable, something he can throw away and return to at will…whenever the fancy strikes him. Only this time there’s no doubt, no way that I can hold onto false hope.
He’s not running away from anything, he’s stepping up to the plate, ready to do the right thing. Just not with me.
“You…?” I pause, fighting back tears of hurt and familiar humiliation. “I mean so little to you?”
It galls me to say this since I swore never to beg him for anything ever again, not after the way I fell to my knees, crying and pleading with him to give me a chance all those years ago.
But I’m not a coward, and for me to move on from this, I have to be strong enough to risk my pride. I have Cody to think about, as well as this little life growing inside me now, and I won’t just give up, not if I—
“We would never have worked, Nic.”
Pain.
“Look. You can stay here with Mom and Dad. You should stay here with Mom and Dad since they won’t want you and Cody to leave them. I’ll move out and…”
Marry another woman. Love another woman. Have a family with another woman while I’m left standing by the wayside once again.
He looks guilty as hell when he finally meets my eyes, and I feel my heart turn to ice. I won’t let this break me again. I can’t. I don’t have the luxury of letting this fool shatter me again.
I will stay—even if it means driving Law out of his home and away from his parents. It’s harsh and probably cruel, but why should I lose my family because he’s an ass.
I won’t let myself think about another woman carrying his baby, a woman he probably loves, because it might kill me. What I remind myself of now, is that I was right to convince Minnie to stall on the wedding while I gave him another chance to love me.
Something he’s failed at again.
“Okay.”
My voice sounds off, robotic, devoid of emotion, but I can’t help that. I’m numb. Broken. Shut down in my need not to break down in front of him.
“Uh—?”
“Go.”
“Nic.”
I hear the pleading in his tone and turn my back, not able to look at him right now.
“No, Law. I knew…God.” I laugh humorlessly and turn back, raising my chin as my pride rears its ugly head. “I knew you weren’t in it for the long haul. I’ve known it from the beginning…since you…you’re not worth this pain. Every time I start loving you…you always disappoint me.”
He blanches at my cruelty and makes as if to touch me. I ward him off with a raised hand and shake my head fiercely.
“This is why I didn’t tell you about Cody. You aren’t…I can’t ever depend on you. You amuse yourself till the novelty wears off, and then you take off just as quickly.”
“Nic—”
“No! Leave me alone. I don’t…I can’t do this with you again,” I whisper, feeling the tears tracking down my cheeks. “You broke me once, and I almost lost myself. If it wasn’t for Brody and Leo, I wouldn’t have made it. I won’t let you do that to me again, Law. I have more than myself to think about.”
Tell him!
I won’t though—not yet. First I need to lick my wounds and find a way to hold my head up. And then I’ll tell him that he’s going to be a father again and watch him scramble to fix the major fuckup he just made.
But I won’t love him. Never again.
Chapter Thirty-two
Law
My mom always said that you don’t know what you had until you lose it, and I never gave it a moments’ thought before. I know what she means now, and I can honestly say that I hate myself.
The pain is never ending, a constant ache deep within my chest that won’t quit, no matter how many bottles I dive into or how much I tell myself that it will get better.
I’ve lost.
Nic hates me, and I can’t say I blame her.
After Justin’s bomb dropped, I felt myself flounder before my mind came back and I realized…I have a responsibility. Melissa St. Ives is carrying my child, and I have a responsibility not only to my child but also to the woman carrying him.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life when I went home after a long conversation with the woman and a lot of soul searching. She made it clear…marriage or she was giving the baby up for adoption and I would never see him.
I chose marriage, thinking that if I could just get my hands on the kid, I could get a quickie divorce and then explain it all to Nic and somehow, some way, I could get her back.
That’s not going to happen now, and it’s my fault because the moment I saw her looking back at me with what I instinctively knew was love, I’d settled myself and did the right thing.
I let her go.
That was me being unselfish and martyring myself on the altar of love, and here I stand in a magistrate’s office, marrying a woman I can’t stand to look at.
“The rings Mr. James?”
I grind my jaw when Melissa giggles, her thin, pale face curved in a victorious smile, and I grab the rings out of my pocket, all but shoving hers at her and putting my own on.
The thin gold band burns my skin when it slides into place, and I feel myself tensing when she leans her too thin body into mine and lifts her face for a kiss.
A quick peck for appearances is all I have in me, and then I’m pulling her out of the office and into the car waiting outside.
“Oh Lawson, the ring is gorgeous,” she coos, inspecting the two-million-dollar rock that she’d insisted I get when we went ring shopping.
Nic would have brained me with a skillet if I even thought of spending that much money on a ring. She would have yelled at me that children around the world were starving and that I was being an egotistical asshole.
My heart throbs at the reminder that I’ve lost the one and only good thing that ever happened to me, and I cringe, rubbing at the ache in my chest.
“Laaawson.”
Jesus, I must have been really drunk not to have heard the whine in her voice the one night we had together, and I hate myself and her, as she pushes closer, draping her skeletal frame over me.
I hate her touch and feel sickened at the thought of her hands claiming what belongs to Nic.
“Get the fuck off me, Melissa.”
She goes stiff before laughing shrilly and pushing her breasts into my side, the small bump beneath her waist the only reason I don’t throw her off or slap her silly.
That’s your kid in there, Law old boy, I remind myself. Do not hurt her. She’s the mother of your child.
“Laaaw. Why are you being so cold to me, darling? Weren’t we good together once?”
Her hand snakes down and lands on my dick, her fingers digging in to caress me. I smile when the bastard stays flaccid and meet her eyes with a sneer.
“You were a one-night fuck who was lucky enough to get my seed because I was too drunk to be sensible. All I want out of this deal is my kid. Let’s not fool ourselves, Mel. You want my money, and I want my child. Let that be enough. Now get your filthy fucking hands off me.”
She gives me a few more strokes, probably hoping to get a rise out of my dick and pouts when nothing happens.
I grin and watch as she pulls away with a huff, her thin face taking on the pinched look I associate with all starved models.
Fuck, did I really sleep with these kinds of women for years instead of pulling my head out of my ass and coming back to my curved beauty? The thought is sickening, but yeah, I survived off a steady diet of vapid filth while my one true love—my plump, gorgeous Nic—remained behind and raised our son by herself.
/> Funnily enough, now that my life is so screwed, I no longer feel an ounce of resentment towards Nic. Hell, after a long night of drinking and soul searching, I can see her point.
I’m an ass, an unworthy shithead who didn’t deserve to be Cody’s father because, yeah, she’s right, I am not reliable. And how ironic is it that now that I know this, now that I’m willing to be reliable and trustworthy, I have to give it all to this viper preening beside me.
“Is this what I have to look forward to then?” she suddenly asks, jolting me out of my thoughts.
“What?”
“Is this coldness what I have to look forward to?” she hisses, flicking her hair back with a huff. “You should know that my father will not be pleased to learn that you aren’t a true husband to me. Why I’m pretty certain that he’ll take great exception to his little girl being—”
I lose my temper and shut her up with a hard look that stronger men have not withstood, reaching the limits of my non-existent patience so fast I feel my head pop.
“I don’t give a fuck about what your father thinks, princess. Understand me now, I married you to get my child! If not for the fact that you threatened to throw him away like garbage, I would have taken my kid and kicked your ass to the curb.”
“Aaah, but then you would have brought my child back here and let that fat little frump Justin told me about raise it. Not happening, Law. This baby is a St. Ives—not some little bastard like your first son, and certainly not some offal to be raised by a fat, lowborn trollop.”
I have never hit a woman or wanted to hit a woman so much in my life, but I want to hit her so bad I have to grip my thighs to keep from slapping her silly.
“Speak about my family that way again, and I’ll get rid of you the moment that kid is born.”
“Lawson—”
I leave her in the new penthouse with strict instructions to security not to let her out and go back to work, needing the escape and time to think.
I feel only pain, and with a humorless laugh, I know that this isn’t even half of what Nic felt when I threw her away like garbage. I deserve this.
But it doesn’t make the pain any easier to endure, and it sure as hell doesn’t do anything about the hopeless desolation I feel at the thought of the loss I now carry around in my chest.
Chapter Thirty-three
Nico
“You should wait, Nico. Just give yourself another few day and then tell him.”
I look over at Jack and shake my head, feeling another round of nausea hit me as butterflies set in, thanks to the nerves I’ve been living with for almost four weeks.
“No, Jack. He deserves to know about the baby, and you know it. I may as well get this over with. Besides, Cody’s been begging me to call him and set up a visit…”
I’m over that raging pain that I felt for a solid two days after Law walked out and left me holding the bag again. At first, I cried so hard I had to force myself to stop for fear of hurting my child.
After that, I spent another two days in bed, staring sightlessly at Law’s side of the bed, clutching a pillow that long ago lost his scent.
I’m calm now. Well, as calm as I can be after reading the paper and seeing a photograph of Law and Melissa on their wedding day. That had hurt, I won’t lie. It took a lot for me not to spiral down into a black abyss of rage and despair.
Minnie and Jack got me through it though. I’m proud to say that I only cry on the outside when I’m alone and not in danger of upsetting anyone else.
“Goddammit, Nic! I don’t want you upsetting yourself so early in this pregnancy. Law can stand to wait if it means you won’t have the added stress.”
I sigh and shake my head, feeling utterly sad at the rift this has caused between Law and Jack. Minnie being Minnie and his mom had called and cried on the phone while trying to offer her support despite her dislike of Melissa. (They met once, and Minnie was not at all kind about the poor girl.)
But Jack, well, he’s pissed about the whole thing. He’s refusing to talk to Law no matter how many times I tell him to get over it and be a Dad. See, I can’t stand the thought of Law being hurt by Jack’s anger, no matter how I feel right now.
Sons need their fathers, and I don’t want my pain separating Law, Jack, and Cody.
“Jack, give it a rest, old man. Law is your kid, and while I’m not too happy with him right now, he also happens to be Cody’s dad. He doesn’t deserve to be shunned because of this. The issue is between me and him, not—”
“He’ll never be happy with her, and we both know it. James men love only once and—”
I can’t stand to hear this again, not when I know that it’s not true, so I stop him midsentence and give him a warning look. We’ve been over this a million times. Jack keeps insisting I’m the one while I assure him that no, indeed, I am not and would he please shut the hell up.
Preferably before my heart bleeds me to death.
“I’m telling him today, and that’s that Jack. Now can it and do your grandfatherly duties. Cody has hockey today, and you need to be there.”
I leave amidst his grumblings and the not so subtle curse words that he mutters under his breath. It takes a little longer to get to the James building in the afternoon lunch traffic, but I finally make it.
I’m sweating as the elevator ascends, and shaking by the time I get off on his floor only to see Peggy rush out of his office in tears.
“Peg?”
She jumps a mile high and squeaks when I reach her desk, taking her trembling hand.
“You okay Peggy?”
“That little asshole has been impossible to work with lately. He’s miserable. Please tell me you’re coming to get him away from that skinny little troll, so I can rip up my resignation.”
I smile through the need to cry and shake my head with a grimace.
“Afraid not, babe. Sorry. Is he free?”
“If you want to get your head bitten off,” she mutters, glaring at his door.
“Peggy! Coffee!”
“I will kill that man,” she mutters, stomping over to the machine to get him a cup of the strong brew he seems to favor.
He once confessed that Italian coffee ruined him for anything else, but I personally don’t understand the need to drink something that could strip your stomach lining after only a sip.
“Here, I’ll take it in. I need to see him anyway,” I say, taking the cup with a chuckle when she breathes out in relief and hands me the cup.
“If he yells at you, I suggest a kick to the balls and a throat punch.”
I smile back and thank her when she opens the door for me and closes it once I’m in. Law doesn’t bother to look up from his desk but taps the wood instead, indicating that I can put the cup down.
Poor Peg, if this is the way he’s behaving, then I can fully understand her mutterings.
“You’re going to lose Peg if you keep this up, asshole.”
His head shoots up, and for the briefest moment, I think I see joy before his expression turns back into a scowl.
“What are you doing here?”
Wow, okay. So I wasn’t expecting a welcoming parade, but his attitude is worse than smelly. It reeks.
“I need to talk to you, Law.”
“If you need something call Peg, and she’ll let me—”
“Oh shut up, you stupid idiot!” I yell, losing my temper at the mention of having to go through his secretary to get anything out of him.
I spent too long being ignored all those weeks ago, and the sting of his treatment is still new enough that I just get super-pissed at the idea that he’s once again trying to brush me off.
He married someone else even after treating me like a hooker? Fine.
He’s having a baby with someone else? Fine! (Not so fine, but in about seven months I can drink, and I’m pretty sure that will help later.)
But this…ignoring his son now that he has a new wife and a baby on the way is not fine, and I’m going to tell him so…so
rt of an icebreaker for the whole “I’m pregnant. Surprise!”
“Nicolette.”
“Lawson.” I parrot, glaring at him, as I take a seat and raise my chin stubbornly. “I’m not calling your secretary every time I need to talk to you. Why haven’t you been to see Cody?”
Don’t get mad, Nic. Don’t get mad. Yelling won’t help the situation, and you swore to be mature from now on.
The pep talk helps. So much so that when he looks away guiltily and clears his throat, I don’t lunge over the desk and gouge his eyes out. It’s close though.
“I, uh, needed some time.”
My temper rises at the thought that he’s willing to neglect our son, but I hold it in, and after a deep breath, I manage to speak as calmly as possible.
“Cody is your son, Law. He’s only just gotten you back. Please, please don’t throw him aside. He’d be crushed if he thought you no longer want him.”
Law blanches and closes his eyes, and I feel a measure of pity for him. Nothing about this mess is easy, and I know that it must hurt him not to be in the same house as Cody after they became so close.
“I wouldn’t,” he whispers, his eyes pleading with me to believe him.
I do, and that gives me a small measure of trust in him. Enough to do what I came here to do.
“Good. Call your son, Law. He misses you.”
“I will. I’m sorry. I…I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
Here comes the hard part, Nic.
“Nic.”
“I have something else I need to tell you.”
Please don’t react badly. Please be the man I think you are.
Law sighs tiredly and scrubs at his face, his fists clenching when he looks over and fully meets my gaze. He looks so tired and worn that for a second I reconsider telling him, not wanting to add to the stress of whatever he’s going through right now.
“Nic, babe, I? Can this wait?”
“No. I swore to you once that I would never lie to you again, Law, not even by omission, and even though we’re not together anymore, I’m going to keep that promise, even if it kills me. So here goes.”
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