by Laney Webber
Jannika looked into a room of faces and her heart skipped a beat or two. Maybe she shouldn’t have come. This was Lee’s family. Having her fantasies play out in real life was one thing. But Lee’s family was reality. Lee didn’t exist in a vacuum. She turned to face Aunt Gunnie, to tell her maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, and felt a strong hand on the small of her back.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” Lee said. She took Jannika’s hand. “Thank you so much for coming, Aunt Gunnie. It’s so nice to meet you.” She held out her other hand.
Aunt Gunnie shook Lee’s hand. “Thank you for inviting us.”
A woman who looked like a shorter, fuller version of Lee came into the family room and made a straight line to them.
“Mom, this is Jannika and her Aunt Gunnie.”
“I’m Peggy and Lee’s dad Wally is over there with the bundle of dogs and kids. I’m so glad you could make the drive up. We’re twenty-five this year, twenty-nine if you count the dogs.” Peggy laughed. “Are you hungry? Help yourselves to some snacks on the sideboard over there. We’ll start bringing out the feast in a few minutes.”
“Do you need any help, Mom?” Lee asked.
“We’d be happy to help,” Aunt Gunnie said.
“I certainly don’t need you banging and bumping around the kitchen any more than you’ve done all morning, waiting for someone to get here.” Peggy waved her daughter away and hooked her arm around Gunnie’s. “But I’ll take you up on your offer, Gunnie. Those two are in their own little world.”
“Oh, Mom,” Lee said.
“You two can gather everybody up, and mix them up at tables. I don’t want all adults in one room and kids in the other like last year.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Lee said. She waited until her mother and Gunnie had turned the corner. “Come see the side porch.”
“The side porch?” Jannika two stepped behind Lee who was holding her hand and headed for the front door.
“Yes.” Lee shut the front door behind them. “We have a front porch.” She led Jannika around the corner of the house. “And a side porch.” She spun around and backed Jannika against the side of the house and kissed her.
Jannika dipped as her knees went weak and Lee pressed against her.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too. Your family is—”
“One more.” Lee’s hungry lips met Jannika’s.
Their kiss was slow and deep and said all the words Jannika couldn’t yet say out loud.
Lee stepped back and looked into Jannika’s eyes. Jannika returned her gaze with a heart full of desire and happiness.
Lee smiled and took her hand again. “Let’s go get ’em.”
They went room to room, letting everyone know that it was time to eat. When they found Lee’s father, he took two toddlers off his lap and smiled.
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Thompson.” Jannika extended her hand.
“That’s Wally.” He shook her hand and tipped his head toward Lee. “You’re even prettier than Lee said.”
Jannika’s face burned. “Thank you.”
“My parents have both made me feel exactly fourteen years old in a matter of minutes,” Lee said.
“Well, you are very pretty. You run a bookstore, my daughter tells me.”
“Dad can we talk and walk? Mom’s waiting for us.”
“Yes, we can talk over dinner. You’re sitting at our table.”
A man Lee identified as her brother Brian appeared at the end of the hall. “C’mon, slowpokes.”
“Is Brian your older brother or younger brother?” Jannika asked as they made their way to the dining room.
“Don’t bother trying to keep track of them yet—you’ll figure them out after a while.” Lee put one hand on the small of Jannika’s back as they walked down the hall.
The familiar clench of anxiety gripped Jannika’s stomach and she looked around the room for Aunt Gunnie, who finally emerged from the kitchen and put a huge green bean casserole on the table. Jannika’s stomach relaxed as she took her seat.
“I’m next to you,” Aunt Gunnie said and took Jannika’s hand under the table.
Jannika looked around the room. This was her dream Thanksgiving. A huge room—no, two rooms—of family and friends, in a big old farmhouse, people laughing and joking, babies fussing, and an occasional dog passing by for a pat or scratch behind an ear. She looked across the table at Peggy and imagined herself looking across a table at a much older Lee. She was afraid of being happy. No, she thought, she was afraid of having it all and losing it all someday. She might lose the store in the near future. She still hadn’t called Joe to find out what, if anything was going on. She didn’t know how she could start planning a life with Lee if she might not have the store, or be able to stay in the area. She squeezed Aunt Gunnie’s hand for reassurance as she looked down at her plate.
“Can I pour you some water? Or something else?” Peggy had a large white pitcher in her hand and was pouring glasses of water.
“Water’s fine, thank you.” Jannika looked at Peggy once again and then at Lee. She felt her heart expand. It had been difficult this past week to think of anything but Lee and her together. Kissing Lee, wrapping her arms around Lee, laughing with Lee, and making love with Lee. But she felt something else now, and she allowed herself to feel it. When she looked into Lee’s eyes, when she was with Lee, she felt like she had come home.
“I think we’re still missing a couple of people, but let’s say grace and get on with it,” Wally said. “I’m starving. Who else is starving?” he yelled into the other room.
Lee took Jannika’s hand under the table.
“We are thankful for the food on this table and the people surrounding the table. We are thankful for all the hands who helped put the food on this table and who have helped the people who surround this table. Now let’s eat!”
Jannika watched as everyone sprang into action, passing dishes around and across the table, taking dishes into the other room, and bringing back more stuffing and sweet potatoes with cranberries, green bean casserole, and a pasta and broccoli dish. This was very different from the quiet Thanksgivings she would have with Aunt Gunnie and Uncle Charlie and her mother. She found it hard to follow all the conversations happening at once. She felt Lee squeeze her knee.
“Too much?” Lee said, softly enough for only Jannika to hear.
“No, I’m okay.” Jannika smiled.
“Jannika, how big is your bookstore?” Peggy asked.
“About the size of the small bookstore we passed in the village on the way here. Just the right size for Grangeton.”
“Do you have those Louise Penny books? I love those.” Peggy asked.
“Oh, the Chief Inspector Gamache ones?” Bonnie added.
“Inspector who?” One of Lee’s brothers passed a gravy boat across the table to Jannika.
“Are you talking about Rich’s house inspection?” came a voice from the other room.
“Beats my head flat,” said Wally.
Jannika burst out laughing.
“There’s a man can turn a phrase,” said Aunt Gunnie.
“And then some, Gunnie.” Peggy laughed along with most everyone at their end of the table.
Chapter Twenty-one
Lee felt happiness settle into her bones. She felt like she’d stepped through a gray curtain that had muted the world since Shannon’s death. She didn’t know if it would last five minutes or fifty years, but she knew in that moment, for the first time in five years, there was another side to that gray curtain. She loved hearing Jannika laugh with her family.
“I’m going to refill this pitcher of water. Anyone need anything from the kitchen?” Lee asked.
A chorus of no thank yous and one more butter answered her.
“I’ll go with you.” Aunt Gunnie got up from her seat and followed Lee into the back kitchen.
Lee turned on the tap and waited for the water to run cold.
“Can that wait a m
inute?” asked Aunt Gunnie.
“Sure, is everything okay?” Lee shut off the water and set the pitcher in the sink. She hoped she hadn’t done anything to offend Jannika’s aunt. She could sense an important conversation was about to happen. Her throat felt tight, but she knew she would answer Aunt Gunnie honestly, no matter what she asked her.
“I don’t beat around the bush. I like you. You’re the girl she met at camp that summer, aren’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am. I am.”
“No ma’ams. I’m Aunt Gunnie to Nick and to you too.”
“Okay.” Lee felt honored that Jannika wanted to bring the person who meant the most to her up to her family Thanksgiving.
“You helped my Nick a lot that summer. She’s not had an easy go of it. I won’t go into her business, but let’s leave it at that. She doesn’t need any fly-by-night romance right now. I don’t think that’s what you’re up to, but I’m just looking out for her. She’s a good girl with a big heart.”
“I can tell that. I’ve lived enough of my life to know when something is just a romance and when it is something much more than that. I care deeply for your niece, Aunt Gunnie. That’s why I wanted you both to come up here. I want you both to feel like you’re part of this family. If you’re asking my intentions, they are serious. I wouldn’t want to do anything ever to hurt her.”
“You look good together, you two. My niece might be a little skittish at times. Don’t let that get in the way. You hear?”
“I hear you.”
“I’m going back. You better get that water before people go all parched on you.” Aunt Gunnie left the kitchen just as her mom was entering.
“Are you okay, Gunnie? Everything okay?”
“Yep, just getting back to the table.” Gunnie walked down the hallway to the dining room.
“Everything’s okay, Mom. Aunt Gunnie and I were just having a chat.”
Her mother looked from her daughter to the hallway and back again.
“Really, Mom. But Jannika is probably wondering.”
Her mother nodded. “She was putting on a good face, but I think she’s concerned.”
“Can you get the water? I’ve got to get back out there,” Lee said as she left the room.
Jannika looked relieved when Lee sat back down beside her.
“Is everything okay?” she mouthed to Lee.
“Almost time for the game,” a voice shouted from the other room. Then the sound of chairs scraping the floor and dishes being stacked carried into the dining room. Their group took the hint and started moving things off the table.
Lee nodded and smiled. She wanted every Thanksgiving to be like this from now on, with Jannika beside her.
***
While Lee was in the kitchen with Gunnie, Jannika started to have a difficult time making conversation. Without Aunt Gunnie and Lee beside her, she felt like what she was, an outsider. She felt foolish thinking that maybe all of this could be hers, when she knew it was just a dream, like the happy family dreams she’d had growing up. But she didn’t grow up like Lee did, in this wonderful whole family where everyone loved and supported each other. She didn’t know how to be one of these people. She’d had a broken childhood.
Even now, with Lee back beside her, her doubts overwhelmed her. Lee wouldn’t be able to build a life with someone who wasn’t whole. She’d leave eventually.
Now listening to Lee’s family and watching them have fun and kid around with each other stung. It was everything she wanted but couldn’t have. She needed to talk to Lee. Alone.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” Jannika put her napkin on the table.
“Sure, let’s grab some stuff and bring it into the kitchen first.” Lee passed the almost empty dish of sweet potatoes to Jannika and took some dinner plates from the table.
After they put their dishes in the kitchen, Lee led Jannika out to the porch.
“Is this okay?”
“Is there someplace more private?” Jannika couldn’t stop the strain from leaking into her voice.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I just need to talk for a minute. I think I need to take a break.” Jannika’s stomach churned and she swallowed hard. Her hands started to sweat. She rubbed them on her pants.
“Are you not feeling well? I hope it wasn’t Bon-Bon’s broccoli thing—I told her she shouldn’t make that, it was just a weird combination to begin with.”
“Lee…”
“Sorry, I’m in a bit of a panic here, and I’m trying not to be.”
“It’s not you.” Jannika looked past Lee to the barn.
“Oh God, not that. If you start with that, there’s no place for me to go. Nothing I can do. What’s wrong? Did I bring you here too soon? We can slow down. Do you want to slow down?” Lee reached for Jannika.
“No, please don’t touch me. It’ll just make it more difficult.”
“I don’t think I want to make this easy for you.” Lee ran her fingers through her hair.
Jannika looked at Lee.
“You are wonderful. You’re beautiful and sexy and smart and everything I always wanted. But I looked at your family and everything, and I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to have a relationship with you. I don’t know how to do the perfect family thing. It’s me. It’s how I am, I guess. But it’s not you. It’s not even us, just the two of us. You’re perfect. Your family is wonderful. They are everything anyone could dream of in a family. They’re everything I ever dreamed of in a family, but I let go of those dreams a long time ago, and I need time. I need a break, to step back and figure things out.” She felt sick to her stomach. The hurt and confusion on Lee’s face made her want to wrap her arms around her. “To be totally sure I’m here in the now and not trying to capture a long-ago dream.”
“How long a break? Will you still spend the night?” Lee shifted from one foot to another. She put her hands in her front jeans pockets.
Jannika saw Lee’s eyes fill and felt her own tears threaten.
“I can’t stay. I’m sorry. Let me go talk to my auntie and apologize to your family.” She shook her head and her tears overflowed onto her cheeks. She wiped her face with the back of her hands. “I need to think about things. About me. I need to figure some things out about myself.”
Lee reached up and gently ran her fingers over Jannika’s forehead and down the sides of her face. “This was too soon, wasn’t it. Whatever you need. You go talk to your aunt and I’ll talk to my family. Then you can say good-bye to them. Most of them won’t notice. They’re watching the game.” She smiled a crooked smile.
Lee’s touch took her breath away. “Thanks. I’ll go find Auntie.” Jannika followed Lee into the house. She found her aunt in the kitchen with Peggy.
“Auntie, can I borrow you for a minute?”
“Well, I don’t want to leave Peggy with all this.” Her aunt spread her arms wide.
“Gunnie, I have a dishwasher and several other sets of hands that can help. You’ve done so much already. Why don’t you take some pie and go in the other room with the girls.”
“I’ll stay here and help, Mom,” Lee said.
Gunnie and Peggy stopped what they were doing and looked at each other, and then Gunnie followed Jannika out of the kitchen and down the hallway to the empty sun porch.
“I’m so sorry, Auntie, but I need to leave.”
“Don’t you feel okay?” Aunt Gunnie reached up to touch Jannika’s forehead.
“Lee and I just had a talk. I decided I need a break from our relationship. Please don’t say anything right now. I really need to get out of here.”
“Did Lee do something?”
“No, it’s not Lee. It’s me. Lee is wonderful. Probably the most wonderful person on the planet. Auntie…please?”
“We need to apologize to these good folks. I can tell you, Jannika, I’ll do most anything for you, but this doesn’t sit right with me. It feels downright rude and ungrateful.”
“I was
thinking we’d say you weren’t feeling well.” She gave her aunt a hopeful look.
“No, you’re the one who is feeling bad. You tell them that. I can see there’s something eating at you. I’ve known you all your life. This big family too much for you? Is that it?”
She saw the concern in her aunt’s face. “I promise, we’ll talk. I don’t even totally understand myself.”
They went back in the house and found Lee and Peggy still in the kitchen. Jannika apologized to Peggy and went to find Wally and apologized to him as well.
“Maybe you should stay here and rest until you feel better,” Wally said with one eye on the television.
“She’ll probably feel better in her own bed, Dad.” Lee looked at her. “I’ll get your bags while you and Aunt Gunnie say good-bye, and I’ll meet you out there.”
They went from room to room. Jannika felt like she was saying good-bye to more than just the people in this farmhouse. Her legs shook as she and Aunt Gunnie walked down the stairs to the driveway.
“The bags are in the car,” Lee said. “Please give me a call and let me know how you are both doing.”
Jannika got Aunt Gunnie settled into the passenger seat and went around to the driver’s side. A cauldron of emotions boiled in her throat and she couldn’t speak. Lee stepped closer and attempted to pull her into an embrace.
Jannika backed away and opened the car door. “I’ve got to go.” The words caught in her throat. Part of her wanted to fold herself into Lee’s arms.
“Please drive safe. Promise me,” Lee said.
Jannika got in the car. “I promise.” She shut the door and rolled down the window.
“I understand that you think you need time to yourself, but I don’t understand the big change. I went into the kitchen to get water and when I came out, everything changed. I hope you’ll explain that to me sometime.”
“I need to go now,” Jannika said.
Aunt Gunnie sat beside her in silence.
“Okay. But we’ll talk soon, right?”
“I’ll call you.” She started the car, rolled the window up, and drove away. She tried not to look in the rearview mirror, but did anyway and saw her beautiful Lee, her family’s farm behind her and the sun setting behind the tall pines.