She let out a sharp sigh. "Four years ago, my now ex-boyfriend pushed me down a flight of stairs, left me in agony and turned all my friends against me. I know all about running and not trusting. I wouldn't be who I am now without Dee's help and I certainly wouldn't be with Will. So yeah, I know exactly what you're going through. The first time Will kissed me, I ran away I was so fucking terrified he'd break me again."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I can see it written all over your face. I don't know what you're running from Jessie, but you're running in the wrong direction."
I crossed my arms over my stomach, squirming in my seat. How the hell did she know? Was I that much of an open book?
"Takes one to know one," she said, picking up on my feelings.
"Where is he? Is he here?" I swallowed hard. I didn't know what I'd do if he walked through that door now. He probably hated me. I hated me..
"No. He's on some crazy road trip in the middle of god knows where." She rolled her eyes, like it was messing with her too. "Look, he'll never come find you. He's not like that. Dee's had his fair share of ups and downs with women, but he's never had his heart broken before. He's taking it pretty hard. He's lost."
I flinched, looking at the table top. When I left, I didn't think it'd turn out like this. I thought I was saving him from heartache, not giving it to him. "I didn't mean… I…"
"I get it," Zoe said.
"Do you really think I have a chance at fixing this?"
She smiled, glancing over to where her boyfriend Will was sitting drinking a coffee by the front window. "We were in Huston," she said. "The only reason we're here is because of you. If that doesn't tell you anything, then I don't know what else I can say."
"Oh." They really flew all that way to convince me to try and win Dee back?
"Now, what are you gunna do? If you want him, I can help you track him down, but after that you're on your own."
The last time I'd made such a spontaneous decision, it landed me in hot water so deep, I'd almost drowned. If I could win back Dee, then maybe he could save me. Maybe I could save him. Maybe I could just make things right again.
"Okay," I said, before I could pull my classic move, the one that saw me running.
"Good."
"I need a day. I need to sort out work and…" My voice shook so much, I was sure I was about to burst out in tears at any moment. What if… No time for what if's.
"It'll be fine, Jessie. I'm not saying it won't be hard, because it will be. He'll make it hard because he's a stubborn ass, but if this thing is real between you, then you have to believe."
I looked at her for a moment, and suddenly she didn't seem so scary. "You know the thing you have with Dee is kind of intimidating."
She smiled, knowing that she'd worn me down. "I know. He'd kill me if he knew I was here."
I dropped my head into my hands. "I don't know how I let myself get to this point."
"Fear."
I looked up at her and bit my lip. She got it. I didn't know her whole story, but Zoe got it. I just hoped she was right about this, because it meant my whole life needed to be cut up and put back together. And I didn't know who I was going to be after the glue went on. That bit would be up to Dee.
Driving down the open road into the sunset sounds like such an adventure. The ever changing landscape, new places and faces. A new experience awaiting around every corner and rise. Just sitting there waiting for you to come across it. But, the open expanse of countryside felt as empty as I was inside. In true Dee fashion, I just kept on truckin'. Counter-terrorism.
I'd made it all the way to Denver from the Grand Canyon and I was tired of the car. I got a room at the first motel I came across, which looked like something out of a horror movie, and collapsed on the bed in a cloud of mothballs. I just wanted to sleep the pain away.
I hadn't played my guitar once, or even written a word in my notebook of songs. I hadn't done anything that I usually would have to cheer myself up. I hadn't even looked to see if there was anything interesting to do in this city. It was like the miles I'd driven were some kind of metaphoric distance thing. The further I drove, the further away from that thing that happened I'd be and at the end of the road nirvana would be waiting for me. So fucking philosophical.
Remembering the promise I made to Zoe, I fished out my phone and dialed her number. I might be on the slow road to rock bottom, but I still couldn't go a day without speaking to her. I had no idea where they were going next on their trip, I think she wanted to go to Huston and check out a bunch of space stuff. Huston we have a problem and all that crap. Zoe had this thing with stars and galaxies and was forever reading books and newspaper articles. Why, I don't know. The universe was too big for my tiny mind to comprehend.
The person you have dialed is not available…
When the beep came, instead of hanging up, I decided to leave her a message.
"So, I'm not dead yet," I said, catching my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked like shit on a stick. "I really miss you guys. Even Frank's stupid face and that's sayin' somethin'. This road trip is the furthest thing from Thelma and Louise as you can get. There hasn't been one trucker that's cat called me or nothin'." I debated on hanging up and trying her later, but I said what was on my mind. "The silence is getting to me. There's just… nothing and I don't know what to do about it."
Running a hand over my face, I grimaced. I didn't even understand what I was on about. Before I could get more philosophical in my depression, I pressed the end call button on the screen and tossed the phone onto the table.
Trying to understand this thing I was feeling was eating me up. Was I feeling this fucking shit because I'd fallen for Jessie? Like, no turning back fallen? I didn't think it was possible to love someone so soon after meeting them. Connection, explosive sex or no.
My phone started to ring, vibrating across the table. Picking it up, I saw it was Zoe.
"Hey," I breathed.
"Some message," she said and I could imagine the expression that went with her tone of voice. Like she was looking at a car crash.
"I never go in halves."
"Where are you?" Zoe was keeping tabs on me like a worried parent.
"Some shit hole motel outside of Denver."
She let out a long whistle. "You've driven a long way, Dee Dee."
"So? I'm driving to New York." I just decided it.
"That's even longer."
"I've got the time and the money. So what?"
"You're doing this because of Jessie," she said bluntly.
"I'm doing this because I want to," I snapped. "Please, Zo. I fucking love you, but just drop it."
"Dee, I'm just worried about you," she said in a small voice and I knew I'd hurt her feelings. Damn it.
"Look, Zo… I'm sorry okay? I just… I don't know. I'll be okay."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"You'll be there a while? In Denver?"
"I guess. I mean, I haven't decided which way to go yet. There's some stuff I want to see here."
"Like what?"
"Dunno. Check out a baseball game."
"Is it baseball season?"
"No idea. If it's not, maybe football."
There was a rustling over the line and the sound of a door closing. "You shouldn't be alone, Dee."
I knew she was referring to that comment I'd made about silence. The comment that gave away just how borderline I was. I was that close from crying and the moment I did, my manly reputation was out the window.
"It might be different for me, Zo, but maybe different is exactly what I need."
"You'll be in Denver for a while?"
"You're not fucking up your trip to come here."
"Fine."
"I'll talk to you later, Hot Legs." Time to sign this convo off before it got worse.
"Okay."
I pressed the end call button and tossed the phone back onto the table. I knew Zoe meant well, but this whole
thing was beginning to grate against my nerves. Talking about it was like rubbing sandpaper against an open wound.
Maybe next time I should stick to a text message.
The next day, after wandering around Denver and finding nothing that held my interest, I went back to my seedy hotel room on the road out of town with a bottle of scotch under one arm and a bag of greasy take-away. I was just like one of those down and out types from the movies. I hadn't shaved in a week and I was beginning to look the part as well.
Staring up at the ceiling, feeling the slow burn of scotch in my stomach, I almost considered praying. Instead, I sat up and took another mouthful, deciding getting drunk might do the trick. For a night at least. Maybe I should drive somewhere more interesting. Nashville. I had no idea how far away it was.
Denver wasn't doing it for me. I had to find the next place and this time I probably should plan where I was going. Kansas City was the next obvious choice to go from here. Maybe from there I could find my way to Nashville. I wasn't that into country, but music was what fed my soul. I'd try for Nashville, wherever the fuck that was.
Knocking interrupted my downward spiral and with a groan, I got up to see who the hell would want to talk to me. Yanking open the door, I let out a sharp hiss as my eyes collided with none other than Jessie fucking Ware.
What. The. Fuck.
She slapped her hand on the door and pushed it out of my grasp and just walked right in with a waft of jasmine and vanilla. No hello. No nothing. Despite my thumping heart, I felt anger simmer and I slammed the door closed. Turning to face her, there was only one thing I wanted to do. The only thing my body would let me do.
Stepping into her, I grasped both sides of her face and shoved her back against the wall, my mouth over hers. Her hands fisted into my shirt as I kissed her with everything I had, her body pressed hard into mine. She tasted sweet, like lust and cherries. Always with the fucking cherries.
Her lips were on mine, kissing me back and it would have been so easy just to keep going, to let her consume me again, but remembering what she'd done to me, I tore my mouth from hers, stepping away until my back hit the opposite wall. Shit. Fuck. Ass. I ran a hand over my face, the stubble I'd neglected to shave off for the last week rasping against my skin.
I'd hoped it was out of my system after that, but it had just added fuel to the fire. I was hard, wound up and drunk as fuck.
"Dee…" she murmured with her sexy French-Canadian accent and I felt my cock twitch. Fucking traitor.
"What do you want, Jessie?" I snapped. I knew what I wanted, but she wasn't going to get it unless she wanted it too.
"I-" she began, but she closed her mouth and just stared at me with her fucking doe eyes.
"You came all this way and all you can say is I?" I hissed. "You ripped my fucking heart out."
"Dee..."
"What. Do. You. Want?"
"I can't stop thinking about you," she blurted, her eyes wet with tears.
Now I felt like an ass for making her cry. Why was I even feeling sorry for her? She pulled a classic fuck and run, pissed on my heart and set it on fire.
"Please, Dee. I'm sorry."
I shook my head, looking at the floor. "I said all those things…" Like a fucking moron.
"I'm sorry."
I dropped my head into my hand, screwing my eyes shut, but she invaded all of my senses anyway. "How the fuck did you even find me?" As soon as I said it, I knew the answer.
"Zoe."
"Fucking, Zoe," I exclaimed with an annoyed sigh. I shouldn't be mad with her. She obviously wanted to help, but I wasn't sure delivering Jessie was the right way of going about it.
"She told me a few home truths."
I bet she did.
"And she told me a few things about you."
I snorted. "Why did you come here? What do you want from me? It's a long way to come for a quick fuck."
She flinched, wrapping her arms around herself, eyes on the floor.
"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I want to fix it. I'm sorry."
"You fucking left me," I yelled, slamming my fist against the wall. Thankfully for my credit card, I didn't leave a hole.
"Dee," she sobbed, shrinking back like a frightened animal. Despite the rage I felt in the pit of my stomach, I'd never hurt her. After everything that had happened with Zoe and her psycho ex and common decency... I wasn't like that.
I took in her slight frame, her downcast eyes, her perfect lips and it would be so easy just to give in. I could just take her right now and sate this need, but she'd fucking destroy me. She already had. I was on a one way street to nowhere town, population me. "You shouldn't have come."
"But, I did."
There was this twisted push and pull going on inside me. I'd never expected in a billion years to see her again, especially on my doorstep in the middle of the bloody country. A week ago, I would have done anything to keep her in my life. Now, I couldn't even look her in the eye.
"Zoe said…"
"I don't care what Zoe said," I interrupted.
"I did a shitty thing," she cried. "I did a shitty thing and I'm sorry for it. I came all this way to make amends. To see…"
"Stop." My fingers circled into fists at my sides. I couldn't do it. She couldn't just walk back into my life after walking to of it so dramatically. I was just me. The whole time I'd been truthful about who I was and what I wanted and she walked away. She used me and walked away.
"You need to leave," I said.
"Dee. Please hear me out."
"No."
"Please."
I looked up and saw the pain and desperation in her expression and despite the pull I felt towards her, I just wanted her to leave. "There's nothing you could say to make what you did better, Jessie. If you want closure… If you want to make yourself feel better by saying you're sorry… You won't get any of that from me."
Her lips moved, like she was trying to say something, but couldn't get it out. After a moment, she backed away towards the door, her shoulders sinking. I found myself beginning to feel sorry for her. Sorry that she wasted all her time and money by coming here. She opened the door and left, her eyes never leaving the carpet. When the latch clicked back into place, I strode over and drove the dead bolt home.
I had no idea what Zoe had said to Jessie to get her to come here, but it must have been epic and really, she shouldn't have bothered. I hope she made a phone call and not gone in person, because New York was a long way to go from Huston to tell someone a few home truths.
Zoe just needed to let go of whatever stupid notion she had about trying to save me. I didn't want to be saved. How many times did I have to say it? I knew I'd have a few choice words lined up for when I called her and I was already formulating the speech in my head.
Couldn't do anything about it now. I was hardly drunk enough. Grabbing the bottle of scotch, I sank back onto the bed and resumed my downward spiral.
The door closed behind me, the boom echoing out into the mostly empty lot. When the deadbolt slammed home, I squeezed my eyes shut.
He looked rough. The fact that his shirt was crumpled and he hadn't shaved in a while, paired with the tang of scotch made me realize just how hard he'd taken it. I felt like shit for what I'd done to him. I'd walked away from something that could have been epic. Zoe'd said he was taking it hard and it wasn't until that moment that I realized how true that statement was. She'd also said that she thought I had a chance of winning him back.
Maybe Zoe was wrong.
The anger in his eyes, the hurt that was there split me in two. I knew he wouldn't lift a hand to me, but the memories that had flooded back when he'd hit the wall... I couldn't help shrinking away. It was like an automatic response had been ingrained into my very soul. Someone got angry, so they had to hurt me. Dee wouldn't hurt me. Not like that.
My entire body flamed with embarrassment, shame and regret. All of the above and then some. I was a fucking idiot. A scared, clueless,
idiot.
With a shaky sigh, I walked back down to the dingy motel office and rented out a room for the night. I never realized how many crappy motels were on the highway out of Denver when I looked at the map on the way over here. This seemed the worst of the bunch, but it'd do for a night.
There was no doubt that I had to formulate a plan. A way to try and fix this thing. No way I was going to give up after one attempt, not after coming all this way. Zoe and Will had altered their trip to convince me to come and if that wasn't an omen, I didn't know what it was. Her belief in Dee was the thing that had given me the courage to try and overcome those past fears. It was time to finally step up and be the better person I'd been trying to become for the past five years.
Pushing into the motel reception, I rang the bell, my mind ticking over different scenarios. Only one kept coming back to the surface of the whirlpool that was my thoughts. The only way Dee was going to even begin to forgive me was if I gave him no other option but to take me on his road trip to hell. If I forced him, then he'd have to face me. He'd have to listen. Spending time together was the only way I could even try to make this thing work.
I'd spend the night and face him in the morning. He'd obviously been drinking and trying to convince a drunk man to stop hating you was near on impossible. Better to wait until he was sober and coherent.
Ringing the bell again, I tapped my fingers on the counter. There was no going back now. New York wouldn't be the same after the way I'd left everything and the only thing that was certain right now was that I wanted Dee in my life. I needed him like a flower needed the sun. I'd walk over a pit of fire to win him back.
I'd done some pretty screwed up things in my life. Letting Dee Cosgrove go was the worst one.
Rolling over with a groan, I cursed the bottle of scotch I'd devoured the night before. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now I was paying for it. My head throbbed and my mouth tasted like something had died in it. I hadn't had a hangover in a long time and now I remembered why I was usually so careful.
This nagging feeling inside me was saying that something happened last night. More than getting drunk. My head was in that foggy in-between place, half still in sleep and half in my impending hangover. Clawing my way out of the scratchy polyester quilt, I put my feet on the floor and for the first time since she'd ditched me, I got up and started to pull it the hell together.
The Fire Walker (The Devil's Tattoo) Page 9