by Martina Cole
Now, as he watched her accept the communion host and look up at the cross of Christ, he wanted to slap her across the face. Of course he never would, he knew he wasn’t capable of that kind of display of emotion, not outwardly anyway. He seethed inside though, and imagined slapping her across the face again and again. Oh, how he dreamt of that, how he dreamt of putting her firmly in her place. But he didn’t know how to.
He waited for her to come back to the pew beside him and, kneeling down, he prayed to God to give him strength. The strength to fight against this wife of his, and the strength to fight for his children, because he knew that, if he wasn’t careful, she would hurt them too, just as she had hurt him.
Chapter Ten
Jonny Parker looked at Celeste as she walked back to the table and sat down and wondered at how much his life had changed through meeting this girl. She was lovely, really lovely. It wasn’t so much her looks – though she was certainly the prettiest in the pub tonight – but she was lovely inside. There wasn’t a bad bone in her body. He loved that she saw the best in everyone, even that leech of a sister of hers. What a narrow escape he’d had there!
All those years ago he had been blinded by Cynthia’s beauty, but then so had a lot of men. She had been cold-blooded though, so he’d had to get shot of her. In the end she went for a man she believed would give her the life she craved. Unfortunately, it seemed, she had made a serious fuck-up in that respect, and now she was tied to that poor bastard come hell or high water. But that wasn’t his problem – he’d wiped her from his memory. His love for Celeste was completely different. Of all the women he had met, slept with, and gone through, she was the only one who had kept his attention, kept him interested, and kept him enthralled. He loved her with every fibre of his being. He just hated that he had been with her sister first, that Cynthia was a part of his life still, because she was there whether he liked it or not. And he didn’t like it, not one bit.
He was making a name for himself, becoming a Face of sorts, making himself important to the right people. He could give Celeste a good life, a good home, and a good seeing-to as and when she needed it. He also knew that Celeste was the kind of girl who would appreciate that – and welcome it. She didn’t have any hidden agenda, she just loved life itself. And he loved her for that.
His mother was a drama queen. He loved her of course, but he knew that he could never live with all that himself. Celeste was a real woman, as innocent and unassuming as she was. Jonny knew she would never understand how marvellous she really was. He also knew that Cynthia, her older sister, would never accept that he had chosen Celeste over her. But he had, and he would never regret that decision. Cynthia still bothered him though, if he was truthful. For some reason he knew that Cynthia would make them pay for their happiness. He didn’t know how, or why, but he knew Cynthia would somehow extract her pound of flesh. It was in her nature. He had fallen for Cynthia, sexually and mentally, for a short while, but he never wanted Celeste to know that. Cynthia was poison, she was not someone anyone in their right mind would have kept in touch with. And she was dangerous, because she had no real care for anyone or anything, except herself. He had realised overnight how one person could change your life, not for the better, but for the worse. Because that was what people like Cynthia did, they tainted everyone around them, and they made sure that everything and everyone they touched would be as broken as they were.
Back then he would never have dreamt that he would one day meet her sister and fall so deeply in love with her. To be truthful, if he had known the connection that first night he met Celeste, he would have walked away. But it hadn’t happened like that. He had met her, and he had fallen for her. And now he couldn’t imagine being without her. If Cynthia caused any aggravation whatsoever, if she made his relationship with Celeste a problem in any way, he would happily wipe her off the face of the earth. Because, unlike Celeste, he knew the real Cynthia, and he had no intentions of making any kind of excuses for her.
She had nearly got her claws into him once before, and he would never ever let her do that to him again.
Chapter Eleven
‘Come on, Cynth, let’s go out for a couple of hours? Your mum’s happy to have the kids.’
Cynthia looked at her husband and stifled the urge to take him out once and for all. She pictured herself taking a knife from the wooden block she had paid so much for, and running him through with the boning knife. She knew she would never use the boning knife otherwise; after all, why would she ever feel the need to bone a piece of meat? That knife was obsolete, she would never use it, no more than she would use most of the other knives in the set. She had bought them because they were expensive, and would give her kudos should anyone visit her kitchen. But sometimes, like now, she felt that she could happily use a couple of the knives on her lawful husband.
She was getting more and more worried, because he had no idea about how much debt she was actually in. He didn’t understand how hard it was for her when she wanted something new, because he couldn’t earn enough money to keep them afloat. Oh, it was so unfair! Here she was laden down with two children, a house that had a kitchen worth more than their car, and a husband who was never going to go up in his world because he didn’t have the fucking brains he was born with. She was now lumbered with a moron, who she had never really even liked, if she was totally honest, let alone loved, but who, until recently, she had believed would give her the life she craved. The life she had deserved because, after all, she was very beautiful and very shrewd, and she had made a point of looking out for a man she was certain would give her what she wanted – a life of luxury and ease.
Now, it seemed, she had sacrificed herself to a man who had no real ambition, and who was happy to stay at the bottom rung of the ladder of life. He actually thought that their son would make them happy – that having a second child made them some kind of family! And perhaps they would have been if he had reached his full potential. But he hadn’t – James had lied to her, he had told her he would make something of himself, he had promised her he would give her the world. Instead, he had let her down spectacularly, while her little sister had snagged herself a fucking real grafter. A grafter she had actually been attracted to. How was it that fucking Celeste, that fucking stupid, senseless, brain-dead idiot, was swanning around with Jonny Parker, like she was important or something. Celeste! Who was another fucking moron, who had the brains of a gnat. Who had no personality to speak of and no looks either really. Nothing to write home about anyway.
Cynthia looked in her bedroom mirror. She saw herself as a stranger would see her, looked at herself without any bias whatsoever, and she knew she still looked good. She had been lucky – most women after two children looked exactly like they had given birth to two children. She didn’t; there wasn’t a mark on her. That pleased her, because she knew that she would have to look around at some point for another husband.
Because there was no way she was going to stay in this marriage, no way she was going to waste herself on someone as pathetic as James.
Chapter Twelve
Celeste was happier than she had ever been, since Jonny had asked her to marry him. And it was obvious to anyone who knew her. She was genuinely thrilled at the direction her life had taken. As she looked at Jonny sitting at her mother’s dining table, she felt the happiness well up inside her. Her love for him was so strong it was as if she could hold it in her hands.
She knew that Jimmy was thrilled for her; he was a really nice man, too good for her sister of course – not that she would ever say that out loud. But Cynthia somehow made you think awful things about her. It was as if she was only there to make you dislike her. She dumped her children here, at her parents’ house, for weeks at a time. Not that she minded; in fact, like her mum and dad, Celeste actually felt happier when the kids were there, because Cynthia didn’t seem to care about them really.
Now, though, as they all sat around the table for Sunday lunch, Celeste suddenly felt sorry for Cynth
ia, and that was a new experience for her. She had always felt she was beneath her elder sister somehow, because in many ways she was a hard act to follow. For a start Cynthia was movie-star beautiful, a head-turner, a real stunner. It had been difficult to grow up in her shadow, a watered-down version of Cynthia. People had often pointed out her sister’s lovely face and perfect figure, and they had never realised how hard it had been for her, because no one ever talked about her in that way. It was as if, to them, she didn’t exist. But, in fairness, she had understood why they had singled Cynthia out.
Things were very different now. With Jonny loving her like he did, and her life being so tremendous, Celeste felt for the first time ever that she could pity her sister. Because, no matter what, she knew that Cynthia wasn’t happy at all, she was desperately unhappy, and that saddened her. At the end of the day Cynthia was still her sister, she was still her flesh and blood. And she did want her to be happy. She wanted her sister to be as happy as she was, she wanted her sister – just once – to have a smile on her face that wasn’t forced.
As Celeste looked at Jonny and saw his handsome face beaming at her, as she looked at little Gabby, all nervous twitches and tension, she wondered how anyone could give birth to a child, and not care for them in any way. It was clear to her suddenly that her sister didn’t care about anyone, least of all her little daughter.
‘What you thinking about, Celeste?’ Cynthia’s voice was low, but the question was serious. Everyone around the table went quiet, each interested in the answer.
Celeste shrugged nonchalantly, embarrassed as always to be the centre of attention. ‘Nothing really, Cynth, nothing you’d be interested in anyway.’
Cynthia grinned then. ‘Listen, Celeste, an original thought in your head would die of fucking loneliness.’ She laughed at her own joke, a loud, harsh laugh.
Celeste couldn’t help herself. She said loudly and honestly, ‘If you’re not careful, you’re the one who’ll die of loneliness, Cynth.’
Cynthia looked around the table, and she saw the shock on everyone’s faces at her sister’s words, a shock that was quickly followed by genuine laughter, and she knew then what they really thought about her.
‘That told you, Cynth! The truth hurts, girl, don’t it?’
Her father was looking at her with such loathing it made her realise just how disliked she actually was in her family. It was a real shock for her because she had been under the impression that she was better than them somehow, and she had believed that they had thought that too. She glanced at her husband, and saw the triumph in his eyes, even though he wasn’t looking directly at her, and she knew then that, if she wasn’t careful, she would be sidelined by this sister of hers.
She was the elder sister, she was the one who had dragged herself out of this dump, and she was the one who had bettered herself. And she would carry on bettering herself, because there was no way she would settle for anything less than the best.
Chapter Thirteen
‘Oh, for crying out loud, James, are you stupid or what?’
Jimmy looked at his wife and wondered, not for the first time, how he had ended up tied to a woman who he had nothing at all in common with. In fact, he knew somewhere in his heart that she had nothing in common with anyone else in the world. She was a one-off, a complete enigma. No one liked her. Once that had saddened him, he had thought she was misunderstood and seen her as someone he could protect. Now, though, he knew that if anyone needed protecting it was him – him and his children. He had married a bully, an emotional bully, and he could no longer pretend otherwise. The last few months had shown him what his life was really like, and it wasn’t pretty. He had finally admitted to himself that he had no real life, nothing even remotely resembling one. All he had was Cynthia and her wants and her moods. She had taken away everything from him: his dignity, his self-respect, his children.
He was also not blind to Cynthia’s reaction to her sister’s husband-to-be. Cynthia was almost ill with jealousy at Celeste’s obvious happiness and, even though he hated his wife at times, hated her for her coldness and her complete disregard for everyone around her, there was still a part of him that longed for her to love him. Look at him in the way she looked at Jonny Parker. But he knew it would never happen.
They lived in this expensive mausoleum, and the saddest thing of all was that this house, which he had bought because she had loved it so much, was now her prison. They couldn’t sell it, couldn’t make their money back – she had spent so much on it that to try and sell it now would mean they would be thousands of pounds out of pocket. The expensive kitchen, which he had known at the time was too good for a semi-detached house in Ilford, had been paid for with what amounted to a second mortgage. When you added in to all that the carpets, curtains, the fitted wardrobes, the bathroom with its cast iron bath, and the new central-heating system, they were up to their eyebrows in hock.
‘No, Cynthia, I ain’t stupid. I was stupid, though, when I let you borrow money like it was going out of fashion. But I wanted you to be happy, and you were only happy when you were spending money. Well, we can’t sell this drum and make a profit on it because the designer kitchen and bathroom that cost the national debt hasn’t actually put a fucking bean on this place! It’s still just a semi in Ilford, in Essex. And we still have to pay it all off. So, thanks to you, and your fucking wanting, we’ll still be here when we’re fucking seventy.’
Cynthia looked at her husband, and she felt the hatred rising up inside her. She looked at his weak features, his pale eyes, nondescript brown hair and his doughy body. She’d thought him handsome once. Now all she saw was that he was useless, useless and weak. She felt like her life was over. She had tied herself to a man who would never ever be even remotely important to her, or anyone else for that matter. She had two children, children who had half of this man inside them, children who, if she wasn’t careful, would grow up to be as useless and nondescript as he was.
‘We’re insured, aren’t we? I made sure of that much. Use your fucking loaf for once in your life!’
Jimmy looked at his wife and felt overwhelmed with despair. Life could not get much worse, surely? His children lived at his mother-in-law’s and his home was a permanent battleground because his wife no longer hid her disdain for him. He was earning a good wage, but it still wasn’t enough for what they owed. He had allowed her to do what she wanted, and he had stood back while she sunk them further and further into debt. He had not been man enough to put his foot down – in fact, he had not even thought about curbing her spending. But, now she knew he wasn’t on the fast track, now she knew he wasn’t going to become the boss of bosses, she treated him like dirt. Like he was nothing. And it hurt.
Chapter Fourteen
‘Oh, Celeste, you’ll look stunning in that, babe. I’m so proud of you.’
Jonny was thrilled at his fiancée’s choice of dress for their engagement party. It wasn’t cheap but, in fairness, it wasn’t really expensive either. It was just like Celeste in many respects – quietly beautiful.
‘Do you like it really, Jonny?’
He grinned happily at her and she caught her breath. He was so good-looking, with thick dark hair, and dark blue eyes, well built and always well dressed. Celeste wondered every day how she had been lucky enough to catch his eye.
Gabby grabbed her hand and she laughed delightedly. ‘Don’t worry, you. You’ll be the chief bridesmaid.’
Jonny picked the little girl up, and threw her into the air. Gabby screamed with delight and, as he placed her back on to the ground, she said happily, ‘Can I live with you two when you get married?’
Celeste looked into Jonny’s eyes and she saw the sadness in her own mirrored there. She knelt down and hugged her little niece tightly. ‘You can stay with us any time you want, right?’
Gabby nodded seriously, understanding that she wasn’t being invited for any real length of time. But already in her short life she understood that people came and went. And often l
et you down. One thing she had learned was that everyone eventually let you down, that was real life, that was how it all worked. But it hurt her, because she would love nothing more than to become a part of her auntie’s life. She would love to be a part of something that she felt would last for a long, long time.
She knew her daddy loved her, but he never came to get her any more from her nana’s, and her mummy never came to see her, never gave her the time of day.
It was as if she had done something wrong and her mother was punishing her for it. But she hadn’t done anything – she had tried her hardest to be a good girl. She tried everything in her power to make her mummy want her again, but nothing had worked in any way, shape or form. It was hard for her, because she didn’t know what she was supposed to do. She didn’t know how to make her mummy love her. She didn’t know why she wasn’t wanted by her mummy.
Her nana loved her, of that much she was sure. Because, no matter what happened to her, she always ended up back at her nana’s, which was strange because, according to her mummy, her nana’s house was a filthy shithole that she wouldn’t let a dog live in. Gabby supposed that was why she couldn’t have a puppy, though she would love one dearly. Her nana’s house wasn’t clean like her mummy’s, but it felt better than her mummy’s house because she didn’t have to be on her best behaviour all the time. And the nicest thing of all was she never wet the bed at her nana’s. Her granddad said that was because she could kip in peace without her mummy watching her every move. Her granddad also said that her mother was a stuck-up bitch, who needed a right-hander, and that her dad was a lovely bloke but he needed to toughen up and stop letting his old woman walk all over him like a second-hand carpet. He was funny, her granddad.