by D. N. Hoxa
“Then tell me! Fucking tell me. I already told you I wasn’t Hammer.” When I said his name, I got even more pissed off. It was because of him that she wouldn’t even look at my face. “Nobody realizes how frustrating is to be thought of as someone else. You won’t even give me a fucking chance, because you think I’m him.”
“You’re not him,” she whispered, as a tear slipped from her eye. I must’ve been out of my mind, because I took her face in my hands and wiped it with my thumb.
“Are you crying?”
I could see it, but I couldn’t help asking. Something was stuck in my throat, and it was something big.
“You’re not him,” she said, her eyes squeezed shut, but she didn’t move my hands away.
“I’m not him.”
If she could just accept that…
“You’re not. But why aren’t you?”
She barely moved her lips, but I heard the words. I heard them, and they cut me in half. I let go of her and stepped back.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. Was I crazy for wanting to be him that moment?
“It’s too much,” she whispered. “I can’t do this.”
“Morta, please. Don’t run.”
I wanted to beg her. If I could’ve just been fucking Hammer, she would’ve stayed.
“Why not?” she said, and shook her head like she wasn’t expecting an answer, but I gave her one anyway.
“Because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t talk to you, because I remind you of him. It’s not fair to me.”
“Why do you even want to talk to me? You don’t know me,” she hissed.
I sighed, and looked up at the moonless sky.
“I know that,” I said, though I felt like I did.
“Is it because of my heart?” she asked, and I shook my head in wonder.
“Maybe. It reminds me of something,” I said and shrugged. “Of life.”
When I looked at her again, she was sitting on the ground, her head between her knees. She was crying. I sat next to her and touched her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Morta.”
But who was I kidding? Every word I said seemed to make her sad. Was it possible that Hammer had said the same things?
“Tell me what to do,” I said to her. “Tell me what to say.”
I would’ve said anything to make her stop.
“Say the wrong things,” she said. “You’re not Hammer, so say the wrong things.”
She finally raised her head.
“You are not the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in all my life.”
Nothing could be more wrong than to tell a woman she wasn’t beautiful. She looked straight ahead without even blinking, and her jaw sounded like all her teeth were being broken.
“Morta?”
“Don’t say anything else.”
“But I said the wrong thing!”
“Stop speaking!” she hissed. If I hadn’t known any better, I would’ve thought she was going to attack me.
“It’s never going to work with you, is it?” I said, more to myself, than to her.
I stood up and walked all the way to the other side of the roof. It was no use. She was never going to see me as Matias. That knowledge had no business making my chest hurt, but it did. It just frustrated me even more.
“I won’t talk to you anymore.”
I was going to let it go.
“You already are,” she said.
“That’s because of the boys—”
“But you said that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore—”
“Yes, and I won’t, just as soon as—”
“You’re still talking, in case you’re deaf—”
“And if you let me get to the fucking point, I’ll stop!” I shouted.
When I looked at her again, she’d turned her back to me, but she didn’t say anything else. It was really exhausting to talk to her, and I had no idea why I liked it. It made no sense to me at all.
“You’re on your own. I think it’s a good idea to go visit whoever is looking for you. If she’s family, maybe it’ll work out.”
“I already told you. You don’t know anything about me. I am not on my own.”
“Really? Then how come you practically begged Bugz to help you? You sounded like you already knew she would say no, and yet you begged her.”
She couldn’t deny it. She didn’t.
“So what? I’m used to being on my own.” She shrugged.
“Did you find Dublin?” She’d been after him the last time I saw her. She only nodded. “Well, what did he say?”
“Nothing I didn’t expect.”
“He’s not going to help you.”
She didn’t confirm it, but she didn’t need to.
“I asked him about you,” she whispered.
“What did he say?”
“He told me that he brought you back from Spain as soon as he found you, because you reminded him of Hammer, too. He reassured me that you weren’t him.”
What the fuck?
“He said that?” Why had he lied to her?
“It doesn’t matter now,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ll need to be on my way soon.”
“You’re not going to even give them the chance?” I said, waving at the boys below us.
“They’re lying. I don’t know anyone from Brazil,” she said.
“Maybe you do. Maybe whoever she is, she’s really family. You won’t need to be on your own—”
“I didn’t ask you to try and take care of me,” she hissed.
“I’m not saying that you did. But it’s family.”
She turned to me. “I don’t have any family, okay? Everyone I had is dead. Dead.”
I flinched. “But she said—”
“She lied. Whoever she is, lied.”
“Don’t you think it’s worth a shot?” I said, and walked over to her again. “I know I’m a stranger to you. But that doesn’t mean that…” I don’t care. I couldn’t say it out loud.
“Yes, it does. That’s exactly what it means.”
“Give it a chance,” I said.
I knew this was probably the last time I would be talking to her, but if I convinced her to go with the boys, maybe she wouldn’t need to be on her own anymore.
“It’s a trap,” she said. “I told you, they’re lying.”
“They’re not. I promise you, they’re not lying.” I would’ve known if they were.
“It’s not wise to trust vampires,” she whispered.
“But I do. I trust them.” They were my friends.
“Why are you even here? Why are you trying? What makes you think I won’t kill you, right now?”
For some reason, a smile spread on my face, and I got even closer to her.
“I might still be a newbie, but I’m strong. You can’t just kill me.”
Her brows raised, and I could swear the corners of her mouth turned. A smile.
“You are far, far away from strong,” she whispered.
“Then I’ll disarm you with my wits,” I said, grinning.
“Haven’t you heard? That stuff doesn’t work with me. I’m immune to it,” she said, and again, almost smiled. When she realized I saw it, she lowered her head, and I, like the fool that I was, put my hand under her chin and made her look up at me again.
“I’ve heard about you. And you’ll hear about me.”
I was just saying things. Anything to make her smile.
“Will I?”
“You will. By the time I’m done with this world, you’ll hear a great deal of things.”
She grinned. It was better than the ocean.
“It sounds like you’ll need a lot of time, and you haven’t even begun.”
Mesmerized by how her lips moved, I leaned closer.
“Maybe I’ll just begin now.”
I wanted to kiss her, so badly. I didn’t know what had gotten into me, but if I didn’t taste her lips, I was going to explode. I hadn’t kissed a lot of girls before, but as I took my mas
k off, this felt like the very first time.
She watched the mask come off my head, and she heard it fall to the ground. She didn’t stop me. With her eyes wide, she watched me bring my lips to hers, until I tasted her.
Brain wiped clean, my whole being hung on her lips. I’d found it. My goal, my purpose. It would keep me up and running through eternity, and then more. I would never be afraid of getting bored again.
I heard it in the way her breath caught that she felt it, too. I kissed her once, twice, and by the fifth, I wanted to keep kissing her until the sun came up.
But then her breath blew on my lips, shaky, and I realized that she was crying again. I leaned back to look at her face, and all I could see were her tears.
“Please don’t cry, Morta,” I whispered, and wiped them off her cheeks. “It’ll be okay.”
“It won’t,” she said, and took a step back. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. She reached for the mask next to my feet and gave to me, a silent request to put it back on.
“If you give me the chance—”
“There is no chance. Don’t you get it? I know it’s not fair to you, but I can’t change it. I’m sorry, but I can't.”
My fingers wrapped into fists so tightly, I thought my bones would break. Fucking Hammer.
“Tell your friends to tell whoever sent them that the message was delivered. I might go meet her, I might not,” she said, and began to run towards the end of the roof.
“Morta!” I called, though I had nothing left to say.
“Don’t come after me anymore,” she said. “Please, don’t.”
Those two words were enough to tell the whole world how much pain she was in. How much pain I was causing her.
I watched her jump to the roof of the next building, and the next, and the next…she disappeared. I wanted to break something, so badly. I wanted blood. I wanted to go find fucking Hammer and kill him with my own hands.
Then the boys landed on the roof right behind me. I expected them to attack me. Maybe I wished they would. That would give me something else to think about, because I didn’t want to analyze the memories of her face, her lips, her words.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know?” El said.
“I’m sorry I lied to you.”
The three of them lined up in front of me.
“You’re sorry?” Drag hissed.
“I couldn’t tell you about her,” I said.
El and Drag began to laugh. Zuke only shook his head.
“Of course not. She’s your mate,” El spit dryly.
“She’s not my mate.” Unfortunately.
“We saw you, Mask. We were right there,” El shouted. “What I don’t get is why you tried so hard.”
I considered telling them the truth, but I didn’t want to come off that pathetic. They couldn’t know how desperate I’d been for a friend. I wished I could be more like Morta. Bugz was right. She didn’t seem like she needed anyone.
“Look, I talked to her. I told her about you, and about the vampire who sent you. She said that there was a chance she’d go meet her,” I said. But when I thought about the curiosity in her eyes, I realized it. “I think she’s going to go.”
“What does that even mean?” Drag shouted.
“It means your job here is done.”
“We should just kill you,” El said. “But I don’t even want to get my hands dirty with your blood.”
He spit right in front of my feet for the second time that night.
“Are you forgetting that I’m the reason all of you are still alive?” Maybe I was a liar, but I’d also helped them. “She didn’t kill you, because I didn’t let her.”
“Yeah, thanks for nothing,” Drag said. “Come on.”
They turned to leave.
“Drag, I said I was sorry!”
“Me, too, Mask. Me, too.”
They disappeared without another word.
XXIV
My body grew heavy. So heavy that I feared I might not make it in time, but I did. A house without doors and without most of its windows, but with a roof and with shadows. I didn’t care to hide. Maybe if someone killed me during the day, it would be alright, but nobody did.
I ran back to my neighborhood. I could smell El and Drag and Zuke like they were still there. Probably because they had been, not too long ago, and they’d taken nearly half of my poison. I couldn’t even hold that against them.
Everything that was left went into my bag, and I was on my way, back to New York. I was going to find Dublin and ask him why he’d lied to Morta, even if it was the last thing I did.
I fed well off the sleeping humans. Six of them, because I didn’t know how long it would be before I would run into another group. I had enough in my veins to last me for a week, and then I had alcohol, if that didn’t cut it.
The thought that I was losing my purpose made me run faster than I would have. I regretted it, because I didn’t know what to expect from Dublin. Would he even tell me why? Would I have a strong enough reason to ask in the first place?
I never stopped running until the sun was minutes away from rising.
On the third night, I had another hour to run before it did. New York was close. I’d get there the next night if I kept running like that.
The sounds that reached my ears made me stop in my track. Someone was screaming. Someone who didn’t have a heartbeat.
Curious, I followed it, slowly. Vampires never screamed. They whispered all the time, because of the obvious. Something was happening to make someone scream like that.
That something was another vampire with a leather jacket on and a huge grin on his face. His lips were stretched wide enough so I could see every sharp teeth on his jaw.
He was looking down at the screaming vampire, who had something in his chest. Probably something made of silver, because he couldn’t move. He just screamed.
“You little bitch,” the standing vampire said, still grinning, and he kicked the other hard in the crotch. The screaming doubled. “Who else was with you?”
“Please…please…” he begged. I recognized his voice. It was Tif. The guy with the fucking braid in Florida.
I should’ve just gone ahead and minded my own business, but then the other vampire leaned down and took a small, silver knife out of Tif’s chest and put it under his throat.
“You shouldn’t have taken my poison,” the vampire spit.
“You took it from me first,” Tif hissed, fear leaking out of his every word.
“I did. But I’m much stronger than you. Now, you die.”
It was impulse. I didn’t know what the hell I was thinking, probably because I wasn’t.
I ran towards them and jumped straight on the guy’s back. I must’ve had a fucking death wish.
He wasn’t expecting it, so I knocked him a couple of steps. The silver knife with a leather handle was stuck under Tif’s throat. It was barely in this flesh. I took it out, and he hissed.
“Who the fuck are you?” The leather jacket said.
“Why don’t you get lost?” I said.
He began to laugh. “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business?” He showed me all of his teeth, and I returned the favor.
He hissed, then jumped me. I had half a second to drop my bag to the ground and meet him half way in the air. His fist connected with my face so hard that my jaw broke. It hurt so much while it lasted that I forgot to even check where I was landing. On the ground, face first.
While my jaw healed, I couldn’t move. I gave leather guy enough time to come back and kill me easily. He didn’t.
When I finally stood up again, completely healed, I saw why. The silver knife was inside his stomach, right below his ribcage. He was on his knees, looking at it with wide eyes. Paralyzed.
I jumped rather than ran in front of him, took the knife from his gut, and put it in the side of his neck.
He dropped down to the ground.
What the hell was I even doing?
I steppe
d back, shaking my head at myself. I didn’t even see Tif before he came in front of the vampire, took out the knife I’d put in his neck, and cut his head off completely.
“Fucking asshole,” Tiff hissed as he threw the detached head at the building ahead of us. Then he turned to me.
He was still pale, but he looked to be recovering fast. He’d probably fed not too long ago. “Well, fuck me, Mask. You were a gift from the heavens.” He walked over to me and extended his hand.
I took a step back.
“Come on, man. Let me thank you properly. You just saved my ass there,” he said, his arm still outstretched.
Reluctantly, I took it. He had a strong grip.
“Thanks,” he said. “Don’t know why you did it, but thanks. I owe you.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
I took my bag by the feet of the headless body and turned to leave.
“Hey wait, where you going?” He followed me.
When I raised my brows at him, he didn’t see them.
“What are you doing?”
“You have to let me at least buy you a drink,” he said.
“I don’t want a drink.”
I turned around to leave, and he followed me again. Stupid fucking decision. I should’ve just minded my own business.
“That’s a first,” Tif said. “Oh, man, you have no idea what that was like. I practically saw all my life pass right by me.”
“You shouldn’t mess with vampires like that,” I said against my better judgment.
“I know. But he stole from me first.” Tif fell into step with me. I didn’t know why I wasn’t already running.
“Who was that, anyway?”
“McCain,” Tif said. “A rogue. A thief.”
He sounded so different from the first time I’d met him. He’d even scared me. Now, he looked a lot like me.
“How old are you?” I asked. He didn’t sound like the others.
“I’m young. Turned thirty last month,” he said.
Before he could ask me the same question, I continued. “Why aren’t you with your Doyen?”
“My Doyen’s dead,” he said. “I wasn’t with him even when he was alive.” He didn’t sound like he liked that.
“Why is that?”
“Because he set me free right after I woke up a vampire.”
I flinched involuntarily. From what Bugz said, that was a shitty thing for a vampire to do. Newbies, like I’d witnessed firsthand, were disoriented. They needed someone to show them the ways of a vampire.