by D. N. Hoxa
“Okay, how about this? I tell you the secret, and all you have to do is try not to freak out.”
“Why would I freak out? What the hell are you talking about, Mask?”
“My name is not Mask.” I slowly untied the leather tie behind my head. “And when I remove this mask, do not do anything. Can you do that?”
“What, you’re scarred or something?” he mumbled.
“Just don’t make a single sound until I tell you to, okay?”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” he said, and took a long gulp of his vodka.
I felt like I should’ve breathed deeply, but I didn’t really need air. So I just took off my mask instead.
Tif’s eyes grew dark and his lips parted when he saw me. He stopped moving altogether and looked like a statue with a weird braid. He looked at me without blinking, like he’d just seen a ghost. Which was probably correct. I was Hammer’s ghost by any definition.
“Do not scream,” I said. “Tif, you can speak now, but very slowly. Whisper if you need to. Just do not scream.”
“Holy shit, holy shit…holy fucking shit,” he whispered.
It was good. Just a whisper. He looked like he was going to cry.
“I’m Hammer,” I said, and it didn’t make me want to spit like I expected it to. Maybe because I was too concerned about Tif’s reaction.
“Fucking hell, you’re him!”
“Yes, I’m him.”
“I knew it!” he shouted.
“Keep it down,” I hissed.
“Sorry. Sorry, but I knew it. When I heard your voice…you sounded just like…you!” He started to laugh, but he didn’t move from his place.
“Yeah, well. Good for you.” What the hell else was I supposed to say?
“How is this possible? You’ve been dead for eight years!”
“I got out,” I said reluctantly. I had no way of telling anyone how, so I was just going to act like that was some big secret I couldn’t share.
“You got out of the Red Dimension?” I nodded. “You got out of hell.”
“Yes, Tif. I got out. I’m not going to tell you how, so don’t even ask. And stop staring at me like that.” The way he looked at me made me want to put my mask back on. It was as if he didn’t know whether he wanted to run from me or hug me. As far as I was concerned, neither was an option.
“You’re…you’re here,” he said like he’d just realized it.
“I’m here, and I need your help.”
“You need my help?”
He sounded more surprised than I expected.
“Yes, I need you to help me.”
He didn’t have anything to say to me for a long minute. He had no idea how he wanted to react.
“Okay,” he finally breathed. I almost sighed in relief. “Okay. I’ll help you. Of course I’ll help you, Doyen.” He looked like he wanted to hug me, so I took half a step back.
“Good,” I said. “But you can’t call me Doyen, okay?”
“I can’t?” He shook his head.
“No, you can’t. Stick to Mask, okay? Nobody knows I’m here.”
He grinned then. “Nobody has any idea.”
“That’s right.” He awkwardly raised his hand for me to hi-five him, and I reluctantly did. Now came the tricky part. “The first thing I need from you is to promise me that you won’t tell anyone about me.”
“Okay, Mask. Okay, I promise.”
I couldn’t believe it, but he’d gotten worse than he was before he saw my face.
“The second thing is, I need you to find the two others.”
What if he asked me who? I had no idea what the others’ names were. He didn’t.
“Your vampires,” he said, and nodded.
“Do you know where they are?”
“Not really sure, but I can find them.”
“Are you sure you can do it alone?”
I had to leave it to him, because I needed to chase after someone else.
“Yes, yes, I’m sure,” he said.
My mouth opened, but I suddenly had nothing to say. I’d prepared a whole speech for when he asked why, and there he was, taking my word for it and agreeing to help me without a single thought.
“Do you want to know why?” I asked.
Maybe I had no idea what being with a Doyen was like. Maybe they had more power over their vampires than I could have imagined. But it still didn’t feel right to send him off without at least telling him why.
“I’m sure it’s important,” Tif said.
I laughed. How could I not?
“Yes, you got that right. It’s very important.”
“Okay, cool. So, where do I bring the others?”
And that was that.
XXVI
I was still wondering about Tif when the sun came up and unconsciousness took me. I was both relieved and nervous about his attitude. I was thankful he’d agreed to help so easily, but could that mean that he would blow the whole fucking thing off?
Could be, and that made me restless. However, I had no choice, and something told me that I had no time, either. I gave him enough poison to last for two weeks. That was the time he said he needed. I showed him the place where we would meet, the building I’d used while I searched for Dublin. I would wait for all of them there, if he was lucky enough to find the rest.
So the next night, I went out in search for Bugz.
I owed her an apology first. Then, I would ask her to help. It probably wasn’t fair, but she hadn’t helped Morta. She’d also told Morta that she would’ve help Hammer, if he’d ask. I was Hammer. I was more Hammer than I’d ever been. So I thought about what I was going to say, and with Dublin’s map in my pocket, I ran.
I kept either Morta or Bugz in my mind while I searched for her around New York. That was because I couldn’t afford to think about myself.
I searched for her for five nights. I ran like my head was on fire without stopping and circled all of New York city. On the sixth night, I called her name from the top of a building.
Bernadette.
She’d told me to never say it, but Dublin had used mine to call me, and I’d heard it from an hour’s run away. Maybe she would hear hers, too.
And while I was at it, I called Morta’s name. Maybe, by some miracle, she would come looking for me, too.
Two days later, Bugz came. Morta didn’t.
“You’re summoning me now?” Bugz hissed. She couldn’t see me yet, but she smelled me while she walked up the stairs to the seventh floor, and came into the room I was staying in.
I’d heard her running, and I welcomed her with a huge grin on my face. It had worked.
“Holy shit, there’s really power in a name,” I said as I watched her. She was the same as I’d seen her last time. Vampires really didn’t change. At all.
“How could you even do it? Only Doyens can summon others.”
I grinned bigger. “Turns out, I’m a Doyen.” It seemed, Dublin was, too. He’d summoned me without trouble.
She opened her mouth, but no words came out of her. I stood up and walked to her.
“Dublin told me,” I said.
“Dublin told you?” she whispered.
I nodded. “Everything.”
I didn’t know how I expected her to react, but I sure as hell didn’t expect her to punch me so hard in the face, I flew across the room.
“That’s for making that stupid promise, and not keeping it.” The next second, she was in front of me again. She grabbed my jacket and threw me back where I came from, all the way to the other side. “That’s for going to fucking hell without even a goodbye,” she hissed.
“Bugz, stop it!”
She grabbed me by my throat next. “Do you have any idea who I’ve had to hang out with? Any fucking idea?”
Now she was losing it. “Bugz, I said Dublin told me. I still remember nothing.” She let me go.
“You…” she breathed, then sighed and walked backwards.
“Yes, seems like you were right,
and I’m sorry for being a dick. Dublin told me…” I wasn’t sure how much she knew about my relationship with him, so I didn’t specify. “He told me about Hammer. About me. The Red Dimension, Morta, everything.”
She took out her small bottle of poison and drank.
“Is that why you called me here?” she hissed. “To say you’re sorry?”
“Yes. Partly,” I mumbled.
“And what the hell are you saying? How are you a Doyen?”
“No, not me. Hammer was a Doyen.”
“Is there a difference?”
I flinched. “Guess not.” It didn’t matter that I didn’t feel like Hammer. I had been him.
“Whatever the hell this is, he wasn’t,” Bugz said.
“Yes, he was. I met one of his vampires. I sent him to get another two.”
“Hammer never told me he was a Doyen,” she said, but she didn’t sound too sure.
“I think Hammer is far from the man all of you imagined him to be,” I whispered, then regretted it. I was talking about myself there. It was unfair to judge him when I knew so little.
“You’re more him than you realize,” Bugz said with a sad smile.
A shiver ran down my back. “I wouldn’t know that, would I?”
She nodded and took a seat at the corner of the room. “Why am I here?”
I grabbed another chair and dragged it all the way to her. I needed to look her in the eye if I was going to have my way. It probably wasn’t fair to use my face, Hammer’s face to try and convince her, but what other choice did I have? How was it fair to me?
“Morta is right,” I said, and she began to laugh dryly.
“Damn it, Hammer!”
“Don’t call me that—”
“I should’ve known not to expect anything better,” she hissed.
“No, listen. Dublin confirmed it. Morta is right. Mohg is playing dirty,” I said.
“Cut the bullshit, will you?”
“It’s not bullshit, Bugz. She’s right!”
“I don’t know what she said to you, but she’s playing you for a fool. Again,” she hissed.
“She never played me, or Hammer, for a fool. Dublin told me about the deal they’d made.”
“Yes, the deal that sent you to fucking hell. Literally!” she shouted. “She’s the reason we’re here right now. She’s the reason you forgot!”
“Hammer was using her just as much as she was using him,” I shouted back. “They made a deal they both wanted to benefit from. It’s not her fault that he…” I stopped speaking. Could I really be that sure that he’d loved her?
“That what?” Bugz asked, calm all of a sudden.
I could believe it, I decided. Of course I could. I already felt it, and I’d only seen her three times.
“That he fell in love with her,” I whispered.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” she hissed. “If you did, you’d know that vampires don’t fall in love.”
“Chandra was his mate before he met Morta, wasn’t she?”
“That’s a different thing. Vampires mate, but they don’t fall in love. In case you haven’t noticed, our hearts don’t work,” she said, and looked like the words tasted awful in her mouth.
“Hers does. Morta’s heart works.” It made the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.
“Yes, because she’s a freak. I’m talking about a normal vampire.”
This time, I laughed. “There’s nothing normal about what we are, Bugz. Absolutely nothing. And it was Hammer’s fault as much as it was hers for whatever happened.”
“You went to hell!” Her voice broke. “That’s what happened. You went to hell.”
“That’s what I’m told, but I am here now. And I’m telling you that she’s right. Dublin said—”
“I don’t give a fuck what Dublin said. He hasn’t been in his right mind ever since you left, anyway.”
“I’m going to find her, Bugz. I’m going to help her. And I need you to help me, help her.”
She flinched. “No.” She’d never sounded so dangerous before, but when she said that word, it seemed like she transformed into someone else. “You’re not doing this again. I won’t let you.”
“I’m not asking for your permission, Bugz. I am asking you, as a friend, to help me.”
Her chin began to quiver. If vampires could cry, her face would’ve been covered in tears. My mouth opened, but no words came out. What was it about girls? Why did they always cry?
“Bugz, come on. You’re crying now?” How the hell was I supposed to handle that?
“You are not going to do this to yourself again, Hammer. I won’t let you,” she repeated.
“Just stick to Mask, will you? And I’m not doing anything for or to myself. I’m doing this for everyone.” At least that’s what I wanted myself to believe.
“You’re doing this because of her,” she hissed. Before I could help it, I flinched, and she saw. Now I couldn’t even deny it.
“I’m doing this because, if Mohg’s not going to stop this madness, where will the humans be? The world will be wiped clean!”
“Mohg is not—”
“He is! Think about it, Bugz. You said it yourself, nobody dared to accuse Mohg of something like this. It must have been something huge to make Morta even think about it.”
“Well, so what? So what if he’s working with Chandra? We don’t need humans anymore.”
“You’re out of your mind!” I shouted. How could she even say that? Had she forgotten what it was like to be human?
“It doesn’t matter…” she whispered.
“Where will you go, Bugz? If Mohg has been lying this whole time, where will you and everyone else who works for him be when he wipes everything off the face of the earth?” She flinched. “Have you thought about that? Because Dublin has. He’s made a fucking bunker for himself to hide when it happens.”
“He said that?”
“Yes, he did. He even asked me to join him. If I do, what about the rest? What will happen to everyone who doesn’t have any idea of what’s about to happen?”
She stood up then, ran to the other side of the room, and stood silent with her back turned to me for a long time.
I gave her the space she needed to think it over. She couldn’t deny it. Nobody could. If Mohg had kept the war against humans a secret, and if the weapons he had were as powerful as Dublin said, he was right: there wouldn’t be many vampires standing afterwards. And that was exactly what Mohg was looking for.
“I can’t,” Bugz finally whispered. “I can’t risk it. Not again.”
“Bugz, you’re not risking anything again.”
“Yes, I am,” she said, and turned around to face me. “I ran when they caught you.”
“What do you mean?”
“When they caught Hammer and Morta…when they took them away, I was there. I was there, and I ran. Left them alone. Left him alone.” Her eyes closed, and she sighed. “Then, he died.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
She maybe left him, but it wasn’t her fault that he didn’t kill Morta.
“I keep thinking, what if I’d stayed with them? Maybe we could’ve fought them off. Maybe we could’ve all run away, and he’d be here now.”
“I am here now. Maybe not with my whole mind, but I’m him. Just…a different version of him,” I said. “It wasn’t your fault, Bugz.”
I didn’t know the whole story, but I knew Bugz enough to know that she wouldn’t have left if she’d known what was going to happen.
“I wanted them to catch her. Kill her,” she whispered.
She was talking about Morta, and I knew why. She had been in love with Hammer, and he’d been in love with Morta. She probably figured that with her out of the picture, she could finally be with him.”
“I thought you said vampires didn’t fall in love,” I said, and she started to laugh.
“I’ve got to keep myself alive somehow, don’t I?” she said her voice bitter a
nd sweet.
“It wasn’t your fault, Bugz. Things happened the way they were supposed to. I’m sorry it happened that way, and I’m sorry for…” my voice trailed off, because I didn’t know how to say it. It was amazing that, when I talked to Bugz, I felt like Hammer was a different person. But when I thought of Morta, I felt like he was me. “But we can stop the war if we try.”
“We can’t fight against Mohg, Mask. But we can make our own shelter and hide,” Bugz said.
“I’m not going to sit and hide. I’m going to find her, and I’m going to help her at least try,” I said. Maybe because I felt like I was human just a few months ago, no matter the years I couldn’t remember. Maybe because I wanted to help Morta with whatever she needed. It still didn’t change the outcome. “Don’t you think it’s worth a try? I mean, we’ll never know if we can win against him if we never try.”
“You say that because you don’t remember him. You don’t remember how it feels when he looks at you.” She shivered.
“Maybe that’s for the best. If remembering him would make me want to run and hide, I’m glad I don’t.”
Bugz sighed again. “I’m going to ask you one more time to please let this go. Stay with me,” she said.
“And I’m going to ask you one more time, help me.”
The next second, she disappeared without a single word. I didn’t follow her.
Morta never came. But Tif and two other vampires found me three nights later.
***
I saw the letters on the pages of the book in my hands, but I couldn’t read them. My mind was clouded. Wrapped in misery. Bugz hadn’t come back again. She wasn’t going to help me.
Morta hadn’t answered my call. How was I going to find her?
Then, I heard them. Three vampires, running. It could’ve been anyone, so I looked out the crack in the wall of my living room. It was Tif and two other vampires. A man and a woman.
I went downstairs to wait for them, mask in place. They stopped a few feet away from me, Tif grinning, and the other two looking at me in suspicion.
“Found them,” Tif said. He was proud of it, and with right.
“Follow me,” I said, and headed back inside to the seventh floor.
I half expected the other two not to, but they did.
“Show your face,” the other vampire said. He was taller than me with his light brown hair cut above his shoulders and the lightest eyes I’d ever seen. They were completely colorless.