Her best friend was back now. She wouldn’t need him as a diversion, someone who helped her have fun but was by no means worth losing yet another friend for.
From the outside, it so often looked like he was the one moving on, finding another woman, another job, another town. But what about the times when he was the one left behind, for another boyfriend, a better catch, someone who could be serious and responsible and stable in ways that Shawn never quite seemed to figure out? In high school, sure, he’d had his pick. But real life wasn’t high school. He’d learned that a long time ago.
He watched helplessly as Talia blinked back tears. “You know what?” she said. “I think it’d be better if I didn’t crash here, at least for a little bit. Let me get my stuff and I’ll be out of your hair.”
“You don’t have to leave,” Jessie said quickly. Even though she hadn’t been standing that close to Shawn, she stepped even farther away. He knew she didn’t want it to look like they were some kind of two-against-one team ganging up on his sister, but it still hurt to know she didn’t want to stand beside him.
He told Talia she could have her room back. This wasn’t the time to confess that he barely slept in there, anyway.
But Talia shook her head. “I’m tired, I’m jetlagged, my knee is killing me, my career is basically tanked, and this is just too fucking weird for me to think about right now. I don’t want to be the third wheel in my own home. So just—” She took a deep breath, wiping her eyes. “You stay here, and I’ll go stay with Amanda tonight.”
“No, I’ll go to Brandan’s,” Shawn immediately offered, not daring to look at Jessie. Wasn’t that the right thing to do? Or something?
But Talia’s stuff was already packed. Even with her injured knee, she was gone before either of them could protest.
“Shit,” Shawn said as soon as the door closed behind her.
Jessie whirled on him. “This was why I wanted to come up with a plan.”
Shawn ran a hand through his hair, tugging on the back of his neck, a storm of confusion kicking up inside him. It killed him to see Talia hurt, knowing he’d done the one thing she’d asked him not to.
But he and Jessie were allowed to be together, to make their own decisions. Talia would come around once she got over her surprise and the hurt over how she had to find out. They just had to give it time.
That was what he told Jessie, wishing she’d fall into his arms so he could feel her melt against him and trust they were going to be fine.
But Jessie looked appalled at the idea that they wait. “We can’t just do nothing. This isn’t a time to play things by ear or whatever and wait to see what happens.”
“We need to live our lives, Jess. Talia will cool off eventually, and then we can sort this all out.” He hoped it was true. But he didn’t know what else to say, what else they could do.
Jessie stared at him. “Eventually?”
“I don’t know, okay? I can’t predict what’s going to happen.”
This wasn’t some situation they could control, like if they just worked hard enough, they’d hit on the perfect solution. Talia wasn’t a throw pillow they could poke and prod until everything was just how they wanted it. Why couldn’t Jessie let things happen in their own time?
But she was pacing like she barely heard what he was saying.
“I don’t get why you want to sit back and do nothing when stuff happens in your life,” she said.
Now that was way too much. “I don’t get why you have to jump in and control every little thing,” he shot back.
“Because Talia isn’t going to just wake up tomorrow and change her mind like nothing happened!”
“So, what? You think I’m supposed to magically fix this or something?”
“I think you’re supposed to want to put in some minimal effort to show that you care about other people.”
It was like she’d touched the sorest part inside him. And now that she’d found it, she wouldn’t stop pressing, telling him he didn’t give a shit. What the fuck did she know about him, that she could stand there and say those things? When she told him he wasn’t trying, he roared back that she was trying too damn much.
“I’m sorry I’m not a control freak trying to micromanage everything that other people do,” he hissed. “I’m sorry I’m not fucking perfect all the time.”
He knew from the look on her face that he’d gone too far. He wanted to take the words back, to tell her he didn’t mean it, that he didn’t think of her that way.
But it was too late, it was already happening. Forget everything he’d imagined in the park that afternoon. Now he could see a different future spinning out before him. And this time, it was the real one, complete with all the ways that he would fail, the relationship would fail, they would always be wrong for each other. She was too controlled, and too controlling. He would never measure up.
“It’s not being a freak to think about other people besides myself,” Jessie said, her voice gone hard and cold. “I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t give my friends the silent treatment when stuff turns to shit with some guy—or let them do the same. Talia hates me right now, Shawn. But if you think I’m going to risk losing her over this, you obviously don’t know me at all.”
His heart, which had been pounding like crazy, suddenly stopped. “Some guy,” he repeated, then swallowed, stunned. Had he misheard?
But no, she really had said that. And she really was standing there, fists clenched, as if daring him to disagree.
“Thanks for that,” he said dryly. “It’s nice to finally know what you think of our—”
Relationship, he almost said, then stopped himself. Just because it had started to feel like one didn’t mean it was. Or that there was any chance it was going to continue.
“We knew she was coming home. We knew she’d be upset. It was dumb and selfish of us not to say anything,” Jessie said.
It made an old, familiar anger stir in his chest. Why was everything his fault? Why should they have done anything differently? Why couldn’t Jessie stand by his side and tell Talia she was going to have to deal?
“I didn’t hear you jumping in to confess when you had the chance. In fact, weren’t you the one who was so emphatic that we couldn’t let anything show at that brunch we had?”
“That was different—we’d slept together once, and we’d both agreed it was a mistake.”
“Maybe it was still a mistake,” he said, putting as much ice in his veins as he could. “Sorry to have ruined so much.”
She stopped pacing.
He waited for it. Whatever was coming, he probably deserved it. Hell, he almost wanted it. It would be a relief when it finally came.
But Jessie didn’t say anything. She just slid her feet into her sandals and reached for her keys.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“I need to find Talia,” she said, like it was obvious.
“Now?”
“You may be fine hurting people, acting like you have no say in what happens in your life. But I need to fix this before it gets worse.”
“Jessie, she’s an adult. She can make her own decisions. You don’t have to feel bad about it.”
“Like you even want me here, anyway,” she said, and was out of there without so much as glance.
Even as he stood there alone in the sudden quiet, he couldn’t believe she’d done it. She’d had the chance to stay by his side. But instead, she’d gone and left.
Chapter Nineteen
Jessie hurried out the door, texting Talia to wait.
You don’t need to leave, she wrote frantically. Just talk to me. Please. Let me explain.
And say what? that nagging, always-responsible voice in her head scolded. How was she possibly going to fix this mess she’d made?
She was supposed to be immune to the Shawn Effect. The one friend Talia knew she could count on, the same way she always had, even when the rest of their friend group had fallen apart.
But may
be it wasn’t immunity, she thought bitterly as she waved down a cab. Maybe it was simply that Talia had always felt safe knowing her brother would never go for the quiet, mousy girl with too much hair and her nose always in a book. The ugly friend, a hard, mean voice inside her goaded. Next to you, Talia always got to shine.
What was Shawn even doing with her, anyway? He hadn’t come to her side when Talia had confronted them. He’d just stood there, barely saying anything, like it didn’t matter to him what happened. Not that she’d expected him to leap up and declare his undying love for her, but come on. Was it too much to want him to act like he cared?
Only now, he didn’t even want her to do anything to try to make this whole mess better. He’d been so kind and attentive this whole summer—until they hit a bump, and suddenly he couldn’t be bothered. Did he really think that they were a mistake? Did none of this matter to him?
She didn’t know whether it was tears of frustration, or hurt, or guilt, or just everything that pricked her eyes as she got in the back seat of the car. She had to make herself focus on the task at hand. Talia first, then Shawn. She could survive a breakup—maybe. She was less sure she could make it through losing a friend.
And whose side would Rose and Amanda take? They weren’t a teenage clique, thank God. But she knew how these things went.
She gave the driver Amanda’s address. Having a destination at least helped her feel like she was doing something, bringing a little order to her life. Not like watching the numbers rise on the meter made her any less stressed. But this was a one-time emergency. She had to get to Talia and make things right before the painful surprise had time to harden into something worse.
What the hell had she been thinking? This was what happened when she let herself pretend that she was someone she wasn’t—someone fun and spontaneous, who did whatever she wanted without worrying what the future might bring. Someone alluring enough to draw Shawn Lassiter’s eye.
If she’d stuck to who she was, she would have come up with a plan for how to tackle the inevitable fall out, and things wouldn’t have gotten so out of control.
Of course, if she’d stuck to who she was, she never would have gotten into bed with him in the first place. But that only made her think about Shawn, the things they’d just said to each other, how everything had become such a mess. Did she want everything to go back to normal now that Talia was home?
Or was there no such thing as normal anymore, now that she’d felt what it was like to be with him?
Deep breaths. In, out. One step at a time.
The only thing she could control was what she said to Talia right now. She just had to figure out what that should be.
The cab pulled up in front of Amanda’s building. She’d been afraid she wouldn’t be able to catch her, but there was Talia, wrestling with her suitcase. She’d been slower with her baggage and her bad knee, and Jessie had been able to catch up.
She paid and raced out of the car, calling for Talia to wait. When Talia heard her name, she spun. Under the streetlamp, her eyes were rimmed with red.
When Jessie first saw Talia crying in the apartment, she’d felt awful. But the whole thing had been such a shock. Now, the full realization hit her like a truck. She couldn’t believe she’d made her best friend cry—the person who’d stood by her through every up and down, and who she was supposed to be loyal to.
All of a sudden, she wasn’t thinking about Shawn’s hand in hers, his sleepy kisses in the mornings, the way his laugh lit up a room. Her fear that he thought they had been a mistake.
All she could think about was making sure that Talia never looked at her that way again, with such a hard flash of anger, betrayal, and sadness all over her face. Shawn had left so many people and places, he didn’t get that relationships were hard sometimes, but you didn’t run away if you hurt someone. Or if they got sick, say. Or if a million other curveballs came your way. You stayed, you put in the effort, you made it work.
“I’m sorry,” Jessie said, rushing up to her friend. “Please, Talia. You have to talk to me about this.”
“After all you’ve talked to me?” Talia said, yanking her suitcase up onto the sidewalk.
“I’ve been a shit friend all summer,” Jessie said. “You deserve better than that.”
“I feel so stupid.”
“No!”
“I’m not trying to be some huge, controlling bitch,” Talia said, giving up on the suitcase and blinking back a fresh wave of tears. “But what about Ellen? What about Steph? Did you forget how much fun it was to get the silent treatment for over a year? It’s not like you don’t know what comes from messing around with Shawn.”
“I didn’t forget,” Jessie said, because she definitely hadn’t. But she still cringed at the way Talia said it. Messing around. Like they were still in high school. Like she was just another hookup who was in Shawn’s life and then gone.
Although, maybe she was. She couldn’t even tell anymore. Talia knew Shawn better than she did. And she was right—look at the problems sleeping with him had caused.
Talia stared at the sidewalk, where the streetlamps made patterns on the ground. “But you went ahead and did it anyway.”
Shit, that hurt. Jessie had nothing she could possibly say in response. Yes, she’d known. And yes, she’d done it anyway. And oh God, it had been so good.
She stood there awkwardly, wishing she had some kind of explanation, something she could say that could make this all right.
But she had nothing.
“When did it start?” Talia asked.
She wished she didn’t have to get into this. But she couldn’t skirt the truth anymore. “The night before besties brunch.”
Talia’s jaw dropped. “That was ages ago. You looked me right in the eyes when I Skyped in to brunch and told me nothing new was going on.”
“What was I supposed to do?” Jessie asked. “Make a public announcement that I’d gotten way too drunk with my best friend’s older brother and done something I already regretted?”
“You never get too drunk.” Talia eyed her suspiciously, like they’d never met before. Like this whole problem was that they were strangers. Someone had come in and replaced the real Jessie, her friend, with this completely different person.
Which was kind of how it felt.
“I did that night,” Jessie said. She couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened. Even if Talia was right. The whole thing was completely out of character for her. No wonder Talia had been stunned, coming home to both their phones on their chargers, underwear and condoms on the floor. God, she was so embarrassed just thinking about it.
But it felt like her punishment, the thing she deserved. Didn’t she have to face the consequences of her actions? That was part of being a responsible adult, owning up to her mistakes and promising they’d never happen again.
Even if it didn’t feel like a mistake. Even if she’d long ago stopped wishing she’d never slept with Shawn that first night. And the next night. And the next.
“It got out of hand,” she said. “We were around each other all the time. One thing led to another, and then it was kind of too late.”
But even that was a lie…or at least not quite the truth. Had they really been around each other “all the time,” like she’d just said? Or had it really been that they’d barely seen each other and then made an effort to change that one weekend, because they were roommates and wanted to get along? That was the explanation she’d given herself at the time—the one she’d still give to Talia if she asked.
But she couldn’t deny that there had been something else pulling her to Shawn from the very beginning. A magnetic current that drew them together, so that even when they didn’t start off seeing each other very often…they’d sure wound up that way.
She’d thought she could resist it. She’d thought Ellen and Steph were so ridiculous, fighting over a boy, dragging their other friends into the mess until no one was speaking to anyone and there was no hope of repairing w
hat had been done. But maybe she could understand it now, the way that desire consumed everything so it was impossible to stop, think, plan.
“The Shawn Effect strikes again,” Talia muttered, shaking her head. “I never even thought you liked him very much. But I figured that was okay, because we needed a subletter, and you guys would basically ignore each other until I got back and he moved out.”
“You have to believe me, Talia. This wasn’t some master plan to go behind your back.”
“I know that,” Talia said. Which had Jessie all confused, until she went on. “Instead, you didn’t think of me, or us, at all. Once Shawn was in your life—or your pants, more like”—she raised an eyebrow, and Jessie burned with embarrassment—“I no longer existed. He’s like that. I get it. He’s hot, he’s charming, he comes in and sweeps you off your feet and shows you the time of your life, like you never thought it was possible to just go with the flow and enjoy anything that much. But we’ve been friends for so long, Jess. I thought we agreed some things were a pretty hard no.”
Jessie’s eyes smarted. Was she that predictable? Had she fallen right into some game, the same game Shawn played with everyone else? For a second, sitting on that bench in Washington Square Park, hearing Shawn show her this whole other side of himself, parts that even Talia didn’t know, she’d felt something. Something different. As though this was the piece she’d been waiting for. The part of her life that felt absolutely right.
Only now, hearing Talia describe it, it didn’t feel that special after all. Maybe that was just how Shawn was, making her think, for one brief moment, that she was all he’d been waiting for, too. When the reality was that she simply wasn’t experienced enough, or savvy enough, or realistic enough to recognize that this was just another hookup bound to end.
And Talia was right. Jessie hadn’t been thinking of her. If anything, she’d been disappointed when Talia said she was coming home early. What kind of friend was she, wanting Talia to be gone so she could keep sneaking around behind her back?
Wrong Bed, Right Roommate (Accidental Love) Page 15