But he knew one thing for certain. If he didn’t show up today and put in the effort, he could guarantee he’d be shit out of luck.
The subway rumbled out to Red Hook, Brooklyn, as Shawn watched the commuters come and go. He had to figure out what to say to Jean, how to explain his lapse and show he deserved another chance.
I walked out on the love of my life because I was afraid of what might happen if she wanted to leave me. And even more afraid of what might have happened if she didn’t.
But he’d rather have to tell Jean that he stole from her, or went on a bender, or had gotten picked up and spent three nights in jail. Anything but having to expose the truth inside him. That he knew how to move on, but not how to stay.
The more he thought about Jessie, the more his leg bounced up and down in his seat, harder and harder the closer he got to his subway stop.
This wasn’t just a job for him. It was the job. The chance for a path forward—for his pride, his bank account, his family, and his future.
But it was hard to remember why he was supposed to care about time and temperature and fermentation barrels and Thunder’s bottom line when out there was a woman who didn’t know that he loved her, that he was sorry, that she was everything to him.
He could swing by the apartment that night and try to catch her in person, knowing a text message or a voicemail would never capture what he had to say.
But the thought of waiting that long was unbearable. How could he make her spend another second thinking he was over her and had barely cared to begin with?
He looked at the time on his phone. He needed to get to Thunder before Jean gave away his spot in the lineup. He needed to make sure she knew he wasn’t going to miss another shift.
But how could there be anything in the world more important than telling Jessie he loved her?
Even if she didn’t feel it. Even if she didn’t say it back. Even if he’d lost his chance forever.
He had to say it. He had to tell her. He had to do something to make sure they weren’t over.
He’d learned from her that there were times to sit back and let life take its course, like when they needed to unplug, unwind, and see where the day took them.
But then there were times when the only right answer was to act. To fight for what he wanted, what he needed, what he could only hope might be his.
He couldn’t just sit around, going through the motions of his life, and expect Jessie to fall into his lap and forgive him. If he wanted this badly enough, he was going to have to get off his ass and fucking do something about it.
The subway pulled into his station, and he got off the train. He walked up the stairs and blinked in the sunlight. But he didn’t cross the street and head to work.
Instead, he turned around again, descended into the station, and swiped his card through the turnstile. This time, he was heading uptown, to Manhattan. There was a woman in an office in Midtown who he could guess was right now staring intently at a computer, chewing on a pen, smoothing her curly hair with a hand even as it refused to stay down.
There was something important he needed to tell her. Something that couldn’t wait for any other time.
The train rumbled in and screeched to a stop. When the doors opened, he hesitated for only a second before he got on. Maybe this was stupid. It was definitely impulsive. He knew how much he needed to show up for work today.
But he also knew that there was nothing in his world more important than Jessie. Which meant there was nothing he needed to do more than get her back.
…
Jessie sat in her cubicle, chewing on a pen cap like it had personally offended her. If she could just crank through a few more pages, she’d almost have enough written to cover her ass for her meeting with Marlene in an hour—no, make that fifty-two minutes. Shit. She was running out of time.
With Talia’s help and a whole lot of caffeine, she’d been able to cobble together something that almost resembled an edit letter. It sucked, but at least it existed. Sort of. It was kind of hard to think about dragons and swordfights when everything in her ached for a scruffy jaw, tattooed biceps, and a secret grin that unlocked every desire within her.
It was one thing to try not to think about Shawn when he’d broken her heart. Then she’d kept telling herself that she needed to get it together, stop crying, and work on moving on—no matter how impossible that seemed.
But if Talia was right, and there was a chance of something still between them, something even more than what they’d let themselves acknowledge all summer long, then how could she do anything but put her arms around him right this second and never let go?
She took a deep breath to stop her hands from trembling. She didn’t know if any of those feelings were real, or just her own wishful thinking. Talia had said a few nice things, but that didn’t tell her what Shawn was really thinking. He hadn’t called or texted since leaving her that awful note, and it wasn’t as if he didn’t know where she lived.
Was he as miserable as Talia said? Or was Talia just trying to fix their relationship out of guilt, or loyalty, or a sense that two people together was better than two people crying? He might bounce back in a day, a week, a month or two and be glad he’d been smart enough to cut her loose.
And even if they did manage to get back together—which was a pretty big if—who was to say they wouldn’t still break up sooner or later? Did she really want to go through this all over again, only worse because Talia would really be in the middle, choosing between her family and her friend?
She couldn’t predict the future. She couldn’t control what might happen. She could get hurt a whole lot worse than a shitty note left on her pillow. If he said that word to her, if she dared to say it back, she’d be risking so much more than a few days of a stuffy nose and a foggy brain at work.
She’d be risking her whole entire heart.
She didn’t know if she could do it. And for all her wondering about it, she didn’t know if she’d even have the chance.
But staying at work and pretending to concentrate was getting her nowhere. She looked at the time on her computer again. Now she had only twenty minutes until her meeting with Marlene. She should read through her notes again, polish the final pages, be ready on time. Her career was waiting for her. Everything she’d worked for, everything she wanted, was right here at Honeywell Press.
But she pushed back her chair and stood up. When no sirens blared, no Irresponsible Employee Alert pointed its red lights on her, she reached for her bag. Before she could second-guess what she was doing, she hurried out of the office. Her heart was pounding, but she didn’t look back. She didn’t want to see her desk stacked with papers, Marlene’s office door opening, the green little popup on her computer screen reminding her that her next meeting was coming up soon.
In her mind, the ding of the elevator echoed through the whole building. Or maybe that was just the blood in her ears. This was impulsive. Crazy. So not part of her plan.
But she rode the elevator down and ran to the subway, waiting for the next train to Brooklyn. Marlene must have had a personal life, too. The edits could wait another day. No matter what happened at work, the world wouldn’t end.
But her world might end if she didn’t find Shawn and tell him how she felt. She needed to see him, and he needed to know. Work would always be important to her, of course. She wasn’t giving that up for anyone. But it wasn’t her only priority.
She was ready, now, to show him how much he mattered to her, too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
At the entrance to Jessie’s building, Shawn gave his name and her office suite, expecting to be sent up like he had last time.
But when the security officer called to her desk, he waited for a moment on the phone, then shook his head as he hung up.
“She’s not in,” he said. “You’ll have to try back.”
“She must be in a meeting. Can I leave a message?”
Another officer walked over. “Are
you looking for Ms. Santana?”
“Yes, Jessie.”
“She’s out,” he said.
Shawn looked between the two of them. “Are you sure?”
“I saw her leave maybe a half hour ago, a little less.”
“Do you know where she went? Or how long she’ll be gone?”
“We can’t give out that kind of information,” the first officer said.
“No, of course not. It’s just—I’m her boyfriend,” he lied, the word popping right out of his mouth as though it belonged. “I need to see her.”
“She had her things with her,” the second officer told him. “Didn’t look too happy, either. If it turns out she doesn’t want you here, you’d better not be hanging around.”
Shawn could take a hint, and he knew that meant get lost. He crossed the street before pulling out his phone. If Jessie didn’t want to see him, he wouldn’t push. But was she okay? It was too early for lunch, and it wasn’t like her to randomly take off in the middle of the day. Where had she gone?
Jessie, can we talk?
It wasn’t the Shakespearean sonnet he’d been wishing he could craft when he was trying to figure out how to reach out to her. But he couldn’t let that stop him from making the first move.
He walked around the block, waiting impatiently for her to text back. It felt like forever before his phone vibrated.
Where are you? she texted.
Outside your office.
What???
Security won’t let me in. They said you’d left. Are you okay?
Yeah…I’m at Thunder.
He stared at his phone. What the hell are you doing there? he finally wrote.
I came to see you, but you’re not here.
Because I came to see YOU.
Jean is pissssssed.
I think I lost my job today. Or at least the chance for that fall brew. Which might sort of amount to the same thing.
Marlene probably has the same idea, now that I totally blew off a big meeting.
He couldn’t believe what he was reading. Jessie had left work? For him? Had she really gone to find him?
You didn’t have to do that, he wrote.
You didn’t have to miss work, either, she texted right back.
I had to come see you.
I know, she wrote. Me, too.
There’s too much to say, and I can’t do it over text.
Stay there, I’m on my way.
But he couldn’t hang around waiting anymore—not when he was so close to maybe, hopefully, being with her.
No, you stay in Brooklyn, and I’ll come to you, he said.
He was already heading to the subway when she texted, I can’t wait that long.
He laughed to himself, feeling lighter than he had in days. Maybe than he’d ever been in his life. Then we’ll meet in the middle.
Where? she asked.
He only had to think for a second. Meet me at the place where we were both the most honest with each other.
He pressed send and went down into the station. Cell service would be spotty on the train, but he wasn’t worried about getting a response. If they were meant to be, then she would know.
He took the D to West 4th Street, then walked over to Washington Square Park. It was the middle of a workday, but the park was busy with office workers chatting over iced coffees, parents pushing strollers, students laden with books. A man played the guitar as a boy and his mother tossed a Frisbee. Dogs barked after pigeons. Shawn picked a bench by the fountain and closed his eyes, letting the sun beat down as the sounds of laughter and music washed over him.
He didn’t know how long he sat there until he felt soft lips brush his forehead, and he opened his eyes.
“You came,” he said, smiling into the sunlight as he looked up at Jessie standing over him, more beautiful than ever in a sleeveless dress with her work blazer slung over her shoulder.
“Of course I did.”
She sat down beside him, and he was suddenly tongue-tied. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he’d rehearsed in his mind. But seeing her there, the woman he’d been longing for, he didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to waste another second that he could have spent holding her in his arms.
But he knew it didn’t work that way. He owed her an explanation. If only it wasn’t so hard for him to understand, himself, why he’d panicked and run.
“Jessie, I’m so, so sorry,” he said, taking her hand.
It was like an anvil lifting from his shoulders just to say the words. And to know that when she said, “I am, too,” they both meant it and knew it didn’t have to be the end.
He took another breath and kept going. “I fucked this up. And I’ve regretted it every day since. I wish I had some reason that made sense for why I took off like that. All I can say is that I panicked. I think I was so afraid of being hurt, I did the first thing I could think of. I hurt you first, before it could happen to me.”
Tears sprang to Jessie’s eyes, and he felt awful all over again for making her cry. But she didn’t pull her hand away or tell him off for being such a dick. She just told him how much it had sucked. “I guess that’s how I knew,” she said.
“Knew what?”
“That this wasn’t a summer fling, and I couldn’t just move on and get over you.”
“Me, neither,” he said. “To tell you the truth, I don’t really want to.”
She smiled, and his heart skipped about a million beats, just knowing he could still make her light up for him.
Then her smile skittered away. “I’m not proud of myself, either,” she said. “I wish we hadn’t fought like that. I wish I hadn’t left so abruptly to go after Talia, leaving you behind. You’re not just some guy to me—you never were, and you certainly aren’t now. I never want to make you to feel that way.”
But he shook his head. She was the one who’d done the right thing. He couldn’t make her feel bad for that. “It’s one of the things I admire most about you,” he said. “You put other people first. You think about how they’re feeling and what you can do for them. And you try to make things better. I can’t imagine you ever just saying whatever and taking the easy way out. Unlike me.” He looked down at his hands. “I should have fought for you. I should have defended you. I shouldn’t have given up on us so easily.”
“I don’t know,” she said, squinting as she looked out over the park. “Maybe it’s true that some things just aren’t fixable. Or they’re complicated. I can’t control everything, and I need to stop trying. I think I just…it’s like you said. How you had to protect yourself.” She looked back at him. “I think I do the same thing, too. It just comes out in another way.”
“Maybe we’re too different,” he said sadly.
“Do you really believe that?” she asked, concern flickering over her face.
He grinned, huge and broad, unable to stop himself. “Nah,” he said. “I think it’s a damn good thing to have a little balance.”
When she smiled back at him, it took every ounce of his willpower to not devour her right then and there. But as she leaned in, he pressed a finger to her lips.
“One more thing, beautiful,” he said.
“Anything.”
“You have to be sure before you kiss me.”
“I’m sure,” she said. “Obviously I’m sure.”
“No, I mean it. You really have to be sure.”
He paused, watching the confusion settle on her face. Then he took a deep breath and went for it.
“Because if you kiss me, then I’m going to kiss you back. And once I do that, I’m not going to be able to stop. I’m going to need to keep kissing you, holding you, being near you every second that I can. I’m going to need to keep loving you for the rest of my life, and if you don’t want that—”
“Shawn—” she interrupted.
“I’m trying to tell you—”
She reached up, drawing his fingers away from her lips, interlacing his hand with hers. “And I�
�m trying to tell you. I need you to let me kiss you already, so the rest of our lives can start now.”
Oh.
Oh.
She brought her lips to his, and he kissed her so slowly, so softly, so deeply, he felt he might drown.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” she said.
“I’m not letting you go this time. Not ever.”
“I hope that’s a promise,” she said.
He smiled, pressing his forehead to hers. It was the easiest promise he’d ever made, and one he knew he was in no danger of breaking.
“I’m your roommate, your best friend’s brother, your errand boy, your bad influence, your biggest fan, and the boyfriend who loves you,” he said.
“And I’m just me, I guess,” she said. “I hope that’s good enough.”
He smiled and kissed her nose, drawing her closer. “Baby, you have no idea just how right that is.”
He let himself enjoy the moment a second longer. But as much as he didn’t want to pull away, he knew he had to.
“And if you really love me,” he began, “you’ll go right now.”
Jessie wrinkled her nose. “I’m not going anywhere.”
But he made himself draw back and shake his head. “You have to. You have work. Marlene. You can still turn the day around if you head back to the office and show her what you’ve got.”
“You matter more to me than any meeting,” she said. “I don’t want to walk away right now.”
He couldn’t stop smiling, even as he told her no fucking way. “The best part about you and me, beautiful, is that we’ll be there for each other at the end of the day, when the meetings are over and it’s just the two of us.” He pressed his forehead to hers, adding in a low whisper, “Doing everything together.”
Jessie bit her lip deliciously, that mix of shyness and seduction that drove him wild. “I’m going to hold you to that,” she said. “But only if you go back to Thunder now, too. Even if you haven’t planned anything for Jean. Whatever’s in your head, just tell her. Show her you’re all in.”
Wrong Bed, Right Roommate (Accidental Love) Page 19