She shrugged. “Actually, we took boxes. Mark shoved Josh against the wall, and I got as many of his things as I could in twenty minutes. Not all of them.” She shook her head and closed her eyes. Her hands curled around her mug. “I couldn't find his laptop. I didn't find the photo album that had his family photos. He and his dad were close. Josh kept his camera, his CD collection. He wouldn't tell me where the rest of his things were."
She took a deep breath. “Then he had the nerve to complain because there was blood on his precious white carpet.” She lifted the mug to her lips and took a drink. “Poor Kev. All of his stuff fit into two boxes, and he was homeless, jobless, and looked like he'd been used for a punching bag. His doctor wasn't sure he would even live, and Devon...” She looked up. “I suppose he hasn't said anything about Devon, either."
Connor shook his head, wondering who Devon was.
Nicki nodded. “Figures. I'll let Kevin tell you about Devon. Devon knew the surgeon, had him change the contact information in Kevin's file so they wouldn't call Josh.” She swirled the liquid around in her cup. “The physical scars he hides, but you can see the emotional and mental scars, or hear them rather. He puts himself down all the time, and getting him to reach out is a challenge."
Connor stared at the dark liquid in his cup. The reason for the warning, the overprotective overtures, the reason Kevin's cell phone had gone off periodically yesterday, all made sense now. He understood now why Nicki intervened to give Kevin a gentle push when he was obviously not going to move on his own. “How long was he with him?"
She studied him intently now. “You aren't going to walk away now, knowing this, are you?"
He tensed, not liking the sudden flames roaring to life in Nicki's eyes. She might not have been Kevin's real sister, but she certainly played the part. “Why would you think that?” He asked the question, even though the realization that Kevin wasn't just suffering from a broken heart frightened him more than a little.
"Because I recognize that look. I've seen it before. The last guy Kevin was serious about had that look when he started cheating on him. I busted his nose. I'd hate to have to do that again. Kevin is a wonderful person. He just needs someone who can be patient and give him time when he needs it. He just needs to be loved.” The fires cooled a little, and she seemed to be pleading with him now.
Connor digested what she'd just said. He and Kevin had enjoyed themselves yesterday, and Connor was drawn to him in a way he'd not been drawn to anyone in a long time. He was intelligent and mature. Some of his comments hinted at a well-developed sense of humor. “I'm not going to walk away.” He was scared, but he reminded himself that everyone had baggage. Kevin's was just heavier than usual.
She beamed. “Good.” She left long enough for a refill. “Two years. He met him about six months before his father passed away. When they started seeing each other, Josh just put him down a lot, in public.” She swirled the whipped cream on her latte. “Kevin didn't need that, not at all, his self esteem wasn't that great before Josh."
She glanced up, but Connor said nothing. He needed time to process what she told him.
"His dad didn't like Josh. He kept hoping Kevin would dump him. We all did. Devon kept—” She winced again. “We kept warning him Josh was trouble, and Kevin kept ignoring us."
Connor sipped his coffee. “He's changed?” There had been moments when he'd seen a very different Kevin, a more playful one, and after Nicki had told him this, he wondered if that playful personality was the real Kevin.
Nicki nodded. “He was always quiet, but in more of a reflective way. Now, he's withdrawn. He's close to a handful of people, and some of those he's keeping at a distance. His little family, the one that actually wants him.” She stared into her mug, fingering the padlock on her collar. “Do you know much about BDSM?"
"What?” He had no idea what she was talking about, especially when she flitted from topic to topic like that.
"You heard the question. I want an answer.” Her eyes had that hard, steely glint again. “I'll tell you a little more, but I want to know if you're into the scene. I'll tell you enough that you can understand, but the rest Kev will have to tell you, if he lets you that close."
He took another drink, wincing when the hot liquid burned a path to his stomach. “Is it really your place to tell me this? What would Kevin say?"
She considered for a moment and finally shrugged. “He'll either be relieved that it's out in the open, or he'll be angry. I think he'll be relieved, especially if you hear and still want to see him. I want you to know now before things get serious. I've seen the way he looks when he talks about you. He spent half of Friday night planning where to take you yesterday. If you're frightened off, then make the brush off as painless as possible. Understand?"
Another warning. She was protecting Kevin, and the idea rankled a little. Even if Kevin had survived an abusive relationship, this possessive guardianship made very little sense. “We've just met. We're still learning about one another. He might tell me..."
"No, Connor.” Her expression softened a little when she captured his gaze. “He isn't going to tell you. He doesn't talk about it, not unless you force him, or unless you encounter a situation that would force him.” She shook her head and folded her napkin into a geometric shape. “That's not very likely. He avoids his old hangouts like the plague. He's terrified of running into Josh or his friends. They hurt him, Connor. They hurt him really bad, and I don't just mean beating him."
Connor stared at her and swallowed hard, realizing what she hinted at, finding new compassion for Kevin. Perhaps he'd been hasty in judging Nicki's protective nature. “Why did you ask about BDSM?"
"I've seen you staring at my collar, and that's exactly what it is. Kevin introduced me to Scott. Kevin was a player in the scene once, but he isn't anymore. Josh ruined the scene for him, and he's terrified of anything related to it now, so terrified he keeps one of his oldest and dearest friends at arm's length because he's a Dom.” She paused, obviously waiting for him to say something. His imagination conjured all sorts of pictures, all of which frightened him.
"Josh was a—"
"He was a Dom, and he called what he did to Kevin play, but it wasn't. It wasn't consensual or safe. None of us knew until that last time that Kevin had made multiple ER visits for injuries. Classic abuse symptoms. Unexplained bruises, broken bones, cuts and concussions, and Josh never let him be alone with the doctor. The staff at the ER actually knows him, he's been there so much.” She pushed the napkin aside and fingered her collar again. “There's a fine line between play and abuse, and Josh crossed it, annihilated it. Safe, sane and consensual is the credo of the scene, but Josh ignored that rule. Knowing this, are you frightened away from Kevin?” She stared at him, waiting for an answer.
He wasn't innocent. He'd done his share of playing in various scenes in New York, and he had no room to judge anyone based on what they liked to do in the privacy of their homes. “Of course not."
"Good.” She sipped her drink and smiled, and her face glowed when she thought of something happier. “Kevin and I met at a private play party. It was more of a meet-and-greet really. We've been friends ever since, but that was years before he met Josh. I'm not sure how he met Josh. I never asked. After his father passed away, he begged Josh to collar him. I think he wanted someone to replace the relationship he'd lost. Josh claimed he owned Kevin after that, in a literal sense. There had always been subtle putdowns, but the abuse grew worse once he put that collar on him."
"Things changed rapidly?"
Her face was remarkably expressionless as she spoke. She nodded. “Josh decided he wanted the relationship to be a 24/7, Master/slave sort of thing. Kevin hadn't wanted that. He wanted a partner, someone to play with, but also someone who treated him as an equal, with respect. I know it sounds odd, but such things do exist. Kevin knew that. He had Devon to look to as an example.” She sighed. “Devon and Keith."
Connor tensed, recognizing that name. Kevin
had mentioned Keith a few times. “I believe you. And Keith—"
She smiled. “He talks about Keith sometimes. They grew up together, you see. They've literally known each other forever.” Her smile faded. “He's changed a lot. You see his real personality at the oddest times. The wariness melts away, and the playfulness returns. He's got a...” She searched for a word. “...flirtatious?” She considered her choice of phrase and nodded. “I think that's the right word. A flirtatious personality, if you can get past the walls.” She grew serious again. “Josh pressured him to quit his job, stay home and take care of him, and that's when things got really bad."
Connor's mouth hung open in shock. “Kevin likes working. I really can't picture him involved in—"
Nicki shook her head and shrugged. “Anything Kevin liked was taken away. The job was the start of the arguing, and where Josh started to show his true nature.” She met his gaze. “He had a cruel streak, and not in the good way. Kevin wasn't talking much, not with me, not with anyone. For a little while, I thought it was because he was settling into the new house and new relationship, but I started noticing little things. He flinched at sounds sometimes. He'd flinch when he was touched, and there were bruises where there shouldn't have been."
She shook her head. “At one time, he was enthusiastic about the scene, but that enthusiasm started to ebb away. I saw real fear, and there was no light of anticipation to go with it. He finally quit his job seven months after they'd moved in together. Josh wouldn't allow him out of the house alone, and if he did go out alone, Josh would either follow him or send someone to follow him. He couldn't use the phone. He was expected to keep the house immaculate, cook all the meals. He was a slave in every sense of the word. The things Kevin enjoyed were denied to him for days, weeks at a time—no movies, no books, no writing. He wasn't allowed to talk to anyone without permission when they went out. He was expected to take care of Josh's friends the same way he took care of Josh, and he couldn't complain about his treatment."
The vehement outrage Connor felt startled him. “That is love? How could you call that love?"
"I don't.” Nicki's voice was hard, harsh even. “I call it abuse. That's what it was, and it wasn't what Kevin wanted, but he couldn't figure out a way to escape. He tried once, and Josh seduced him back. He had no job, but he'd been smart enough to keep Josh away from his accounts."
"That was a good thing."
She nodded and stared out the window. The rain had let up, but the sky was still dark. The windows steamed around the edges from the cold outside. “But Kev was trapped in that place. He had no car. Josh had sold it. His cell phone had been taken away. He was only allowed to use the one in the house for extreme emergencies. I saw him only a few times, and every time, he looked dejected. Josh took great pleasure in forcing him to do degrading things.” She squeezed her eyes shut and a tear slid down her cheek. “I tried to talk to him once, and Kevin just ran away. He said he couldn't talk to me. He'd be in the cage that night if he did. I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I do now. His enthusiasm for the scene, for anything, was gone. I only saw it once after that."
"For what?” Connor wondered if he'd fallen into a movie of some sort. What Nicki told him seemed so unlikely, and yet, he knew it was the truth. Kevin's behavior made sense now. They way he'd cowered when Connor had called him back to the table, the way he'd been so reluctant for Connor to touch him, the sudden stops in the middle of a sentence. “Why on earth did no one do anything?"
"Because Kevin swore everything was fine.” Tears glittered in her eyes when she looked up. “We knew things weren't fine, but we had to respect his wishes. As for what he'd showed enthusiasm? There was a Dom at one of the play parties. Devon Lancaster.” She took a deep breath, and Connor assumed this must be the Devon she kept mentioning. “He and Kev have a history."
"What sort of history?” He was curious.
"Not what you are thinking. They're friends, but they had a little fling.” She laughed. “I don't know that I can even call it a fling, because it was all about sex. But Kevin loved what Devon could do to him, and that night, Kevin begged Josh to let Devon flog him. I think Kevin just wanted to remember something good about the scene."
Connor blinked, trying to digest what she'd just told him and trying to force the image of Kevin on his knees out of his mind. “Josh let that happen?"
"He wasn't going to, but Devon told him if Kevin was going to beg so beautifully he ought to be rewarded. He had to consent then, or he would have lost face. And so Kevin got his wish, and he enjoyed it. It's a beautiful thing to watch someone go into sub space, and it was a memorable scene. I saw Kevin a few days later. He'd been used for a punching bag, and that beautiful light I'd seen at the party was gone. I didn't see him again for another six months, when he called me and begged me to come get him because he was hurt.” She finished her drink and sat staring out the window. “Do you understand now why Mark warned you?"
"I think I do.” He drained the last of his coffee, and he did think he understood. He suspected what Nicki had told him was a carefully edited version of the truth, just enough for him to understand. “I'm not like that. I'm not into BDSM, and I don't even think I'm curious.” He scowled. “Why would you tell me all of this? Kevin and I..."
A grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I have a hunch, that's all.” She pulled a CD from her glittery purse and slid it across the table. “He wrote that...” She tapped the CD. “...the weekend he met you. I can honestly tell you he's seemed much more alive and happy in the last few days than he has in three years.” Her expression grew serious again. “He's trying to figure out what's wrong with you. He thinks there has to be something wrong with you for you to be interested in him."
"That's ridiculous.” Was it a ridiculous thought to Kevin though? Probably not.
"Is it?” Her eyebrows arched. “Josh shredded every ounce of self esteem Kevin had. Just remember that.” She stared out the window where the sky seemed to be lightening a bit. “Are you seeing him today? It'd be late if you were. He usually goes to lunch with some friends from church."
"We were going to a movie and dinner."
"Are you still going?” She still hadn't looked at him. “I don't want him hurt again."
Connor didn't answer right away. He stared into his mug, thinking about what she'd just told him.
She sighed. “Silence is an answer. I'll take you home.” She started to leave, but he laid his hand over her wrist in a firm but gentle grip.
"I want to see Kevin. I was just thinking about all you'd told me, that's all. It doesn't change how I feel, or how I'm starting to feel. I want to be with him. It's lonely being in a strange place and not having friends. Of course, I haven't exactly tried to make friends either, but I think that might be changing now. Mark warned me, and now you've warned me. I don't need any more warnings, but some encouragement might be nice. I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of encouragement."
She propped one foot up in the booth and leaned back, grinning. “Well, in that case, you can tell me about last night."
He laughed, relieved she seemed to have changed her mind about him. He told her about their date, though he left out details, including the searing kiss that had ended the night.
"I don't mean to be rude, but I did have a purpose in getting out today. You probably want time to do something before you see Kevin.” She tapped the CD. “I'd save that until after your date."
He started to protest.
"Nicki always knows best.” She wagged her finger at him. “If you read that before, you'll only have one thing on your mind, and I know Kevin isn't ready to go there. Give him time. Let him get to know you. Give him time to be comfortable and relaxed around you.” She gave him a critical stare. “He'll tell you things when he's ready. Don't push, or he'll shut down.” They walked out to the car. “He loves chocolate,” she said when they pulled from their parking spot into the traffic. “And music, all sorts of music. He's a romantic
at heart."
Connor couldn't help laughing. “I want to know what is romantic about being tied up and whipped."
Nicki's answering grin shocked him. “There is nothing quite like being tied up and whipped into sub space. You don't understand, and that's fine. It's not your brand of kink, but it was Kev's once. It might still be with the right person. I warned you, remember. You'll see when you read the story. Trust me, you'll see. But he's still a romantic. He likes romance. He likes to be wined and dined and treated like a prince. He likes talking, and he loves sappy movies with Hugh Grant."
Connor's cheeks flamed, and she laughed.
"Is that what you're going to see? That new Hugh Grant flick?” She laughed as she pulled up to his building. “If he confesses his crush on Hugh Grant over ice cream, he has more than a passing interest in you."
Connor stared at her for a moment. “You're a good friend to him.” He meant those words. For all of the uncomfortable things she had told him, he realized she had done it because she loved Kevin, not for Connor's reaction. She had wanted Connor to understand, and he thought he did, at least a little.
"I know.” She shooed him out of the car. “Go get ready. Feed your cat or whatever it is you do. I have things to do."
Connor got out of the car and picked up his bag. “Are you going to rush home and call Kevin now so you can compare notes?"
"Of course not.” He shut the door, but she rolled the down the window and flashed him an impish grin. “I'll wait till tonight for that.” He laughed and climbed the stairs to his flat.
He ignored her advice after he'd fed Thumper a can of salmon-flavored Fancy Feast. He put the CD into his computer and started to read. His first shock came when he discovered the characters in the story were named Kevin and Connor, and the fictitious Kevin appeared to be a great deal more aggressive than the real one. The story was pure erotica, starting with a setup for the bedroom scene. Connor was certain his eyes were about to bug out of his head when the fictitious Connor tied his captive to the bed and tortured him with a feather, leaving the Kevin in the story panting and begging to be fucked.
Reclaiming Love Page 6