Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Kevin speared a piece of broccoli and chewed it. “Happy? I still like the rice."

  "My mom says you wouldn't last a week in New York if you eat like that."

  Kevin laughed softly. “I lived there for two years. I survived. I was glad to come home."

  "You didn't tell me that."

  He ate a bit of meat. “You didn't ask."

  "No, he's dropping little tidbits about himself. He lived in New York for two years.” There was a moment of silence. “She wants to know why."

  "I was a serious dance student.” Kevin shrugged. “Very serious. Dance was my life. I went to NYU, and I did auditions, all of that. I danced on Broadway once, Guys and Dolls, in the chorus. I made just enough money to keep me fed.” Kevin grinned. “I used to have pictures. If my mom decides to speak to me again, I might be able to get some of them."

  "Holy shit, Kevin.” Connor stared at him. “No, Mom, he's dropping little bombs about himself.” He stared, obviously having a hard time reconciling the new information with what he already knew. “Do you have more tidbits like that?"

  Kevin shrugged and finished the last of his beef. “Yep.” He put more food on his plate. “This is good.” He pointed to the food. “Does your phone have a speaker? I want to listen."

  "I don't know. Mum, I'll call you back in a minute. No, nothing's wrong. Kevin wants to play with my phone. It'll just be a minute.” He hung up and handed Kevin the phone. “I know nothing about that sort of thing. You look."

  Kevin dragged the base of the phone close to their table and got the speaker phone working. He smiled when he was finished, delighted. He wanted to hear more about Connor's family. He hadn't had a family for so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like. “Now, I can hear, too."

  Connor dialed the number and pulled a few more cartons from the bag. Kevin scowled at the fried rice, but he stole a bit of pineapple chicken.

  "Stop that."

  "Connor?” A man's voice, deep with a prominent accent, answered this time. “What are you doing? Your mum said you called and hung up. Is everything okay?"

  "It's fine."

  "You sound a little distant."

  "Kevin wanted to listen to my conversation.” Kevin speared another piece of chicken. “Will you stop eating my chicken?” He smacked Kevin's hand. “Eat your own."

  "Yours is better."

  His dad laughed. “What are you doing?"

  "Eating. Except he seems to like what I have better than his, but I don't want any of his slimy broccoli."

  "Damn, you don't like broccoli?” He ate more rice.

  "And he eats plain rice."

  "He'd not last a day at our house, would he? Meat and potatoes."

  Kevin chuckled. “I like those."

  "Connor, are you sure he's a dancer?"

  "Oh, yes. That I'm sure of. He lived in New York for two years."

  "Where?"

  "At school,” Kevin said. “I lived there. I didn't see anything."

  Connor's incredulous stare made Kevin laugh. “How can you live there and not see the city?"

  "I went to school, and I danced. I saw studios and stages, rehearsals, a few shows, but not much else."

  "You'll have to bring him up here, Connor. Show him something besides that. I'm Jim, Kevin. I've heard a lot about you."

  Kevin sighed. “I'm sure you have.” He pushed the food around on his plate, his appetite evaporating. “I guess Connor told you about my situation. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

  "Don't you go blaming yourself. Connor hasn't been happy since he moved there, and you seem to have changed that. He kept telling me he was fine, but I know better. How are you?"

  Tears stung his eyes. He'd never met the man on the other side of the phone, but he cared, he actually cared more than his own mother. “Okay. He's in jail right now. He followed me, and when I told him to go away, he put a knife to my throat."

  "You're sure you're okay?"

  "I'm fine.” He smiled at Connor. “Or rather, I will be fine."

  "Dad, you made him stop eating, and he eats like a bird anyway."

  "I do not.” He took a big bite to prove his point.

  "You aren't convincing me."

  Kevin ate with a little more gusto, even though he wasn't hungry.

  "That's better."

  "Here, Connor, talk to your mum again."

  "Sweetie, I worry about you.” Her voice was melodic, with that same rich accent. Kevin smiled. “You moved so far away, and then this man—"

  "He's in jail. And the detective working the case is trying to keep him there."

  "Connor, we both know how well that works.” The worry hadn't left her voice. If anything, she sounded more concerned.

  Kevin put his fork down and glared at Connor. “Be honest with her."

  "Kevin..."

  "Karen says he'll be out in a few days, and then he'll be free until the trial, unless he does something else to me."

  Connor shook his head, and there was silence on the other end of the phone.

  Kevin continued. “We're going to find me a new place to live tomorrow, or look for one. I got my license and cards back though. That's something."

  No one spoke for a few seconds and then, “I like this one, Connor."

  Kevin grinned.

  "He's honest. A little blunt, but honest. Hang on to him."

  "Mum—"

  "You listen to your mum. You've been moping down there for months. You've finally started sounding like yourself."

  Kevin couldn't resist a little laugh. “Is that why I'm eating on the floor off of a milk crate? Did he tell you how his apartment is furnished?"

  "He said it was nice."

  "It's a perfectly nice apartment. He just has no furniture. He has one chair and a desk in his living room, and a little coffee table that we bought over the weekend. It's not very comfortable."

  "Connor!” Her voice was a little sharper now.

  "Don't worry, Mrs. McCann. I'll set him straight. We've got to pick up some furniture tomorrow, and he's getting a couch this weekend."

  "You poor thing, worried about furniture with all that you've been going through."

  Kevin smiled. “I don't mind."

  "Connor gets tunnel vision sometimes, forgets that there is more to life than his work."

  "Kevin's exaggerating a little. I didn't know where to get furniture."

  He couldn't resist one more jab. “That's what phonebooks are for."

  Connor's mother laughed. “And a sense of humor. Keep him, Connor. I like him."

  "You haven't met him yet."

  "But I have a good feeling about him. Just stay safe."

  "I will."

  "Love you, son."

  "I love you, too.” He hung up and pushed the phone away, staring at Kevin. “You are an evil little minx."

  "But you love me.” He stole another bite of chicken.

  "Yeah,” Connor said, his eyes going soft. “I do."

  Happiness welled up inside Kevin, and the words sat on his tongue. He couldn't make them come out, even though he wanted to. He just wasn't quite ready. They finished eating, taking turns feeding one another, and when the food was gone, they laid on the bed. Kevin curled into Connor's embrace, savoring the feel of strong arms around him and the gentle warmth of Connor's love.

  Not once had Connor berated him. Not once had he told Kevin he was stupid or spineless. He'd not told him he was fat. He hadn't made fun of his body. He hadn't told him he ate like a pig. Kevin tried to remember the last time someone had treated him like this, like he was someone special and worthwhile. He couldn't remember. Devon had been good to him, but Devon had been a friend more than a lover. He smiled and closed his eyes, those three words lingering on his tongue again.

  "Tell me about your family,” he said softly. “I like them. Were your parents always so accepting?” Despite his earlier teasing, Kevin was content just to lie in Connor's arms. The earlier passion hadn't cooled, but a little part of him wa
s still afraid to touch and be touched. A little part of him was afraid Connor wouldn't be satisfied with his simply average lover. Josh's insults lingered in the back of his mind, and he couldn't shake them. Connor didn't push, didn't pressure him, and Kevin loved him for that.

  "No.” The admission startled Kevin, and he sat up to stare into Connor's eyes.

  "But—"

  "Lie back down."

  Kevin obeyed.

  "I lived at home during college, but I knew I was gay. I was afraid to tell anyone, and the relationships I had were fleeting. Nothing real at all.” Connor's fingers stroked through Kevin's hair. “But after I graduated and had a job, I found a flat and moved out. I was free to be myself, and I met someone. We were together for a couple of years. That might have lasted, I think, but we moved a little too fast. We moved in together, and I still hadn't come out to my family. He was angry because his family knew about us, and even though some of them weren't thrilled, they were accepting. I finally told my parents."

  "And?"

  "My mum cried. My dad yelled. That Irish temper, you know. We didn't speak for a few months, but they had my phone number and address. Mum reached out first. I'm the oldest, and she didn't like for one of her babies to be all alone in the big, bad world."

  Kevin laughed a little.

  "You laugh, but it's true. We started meeting for lunch once a week, and eventually Dad came around. Things got better after that. Dad even told off the priest at the church for going on about homosexuality and what a sin it was. He and Mum went to a different church after that, one that's a little more liberal. It took time, but they're very supportive now. Mum never really liked Steve, my ex. He was a little flamboyant and insincere. She told me he would break my heart, and he did."

  "My dad never liked Josh either. He told me to get rid of him about a month before he died. Funny, isn't it? How they seem to know."

  "Yes, it is.” The fingers continued their motion, petting Kevin as if he were a cat. “My brothers are mostly good with it. Sean, he's closest in age to me, has a bit of a problem with the idea. I was a jock in school, and he can't wrap his mind around that. My other brothers are good with it, and my sister is amazing. She's the youngest though. She's scandalized the whole family with her wild hair and punk looks."

  Kevin laughed.

  "Don't laugh. She can be scary.” Connor kissed him behind the ear. “I want to see your rainbow hair."

  "Ask Nicki.” He yawned and closed his eyes. “How can they like me when they've never met me?"

  "I've told them all about you, and they liked talking to you.” He went on, telling Kevin stories about growing up, about early relationships, about the boy he'd brought home to study for a test, except they hadn't done much studying.

  Kevin's eyes grew heavy. “I'm really sleepy.” He yawned to punctuate the point.

  "Then go to sleep.” Connor kissed the top of his head. “Do you mind if I do some work?"

  "Go ahead."

  "Thumper's here to keep you company."

  Kevin didn't feel Connor leave the bed, but he was aware enough to notice the covers were drawn up over him and the solid weight of the cat that lay down beside him.

  Kevin wasn't quite sure why he awoke several hours later, heart pounding and throat choked with fear. The clock said it was two. Connor's arm was across his waist, and his deep breathing stirred the hair at the nape of Kevin's neck. He shivered, both from cold, and from the inexplicable sense of dread that crept over him. He couldn't go back to sleep.

  He was wide awake, so he slid out of bed as quietly as he could, trying not to disturb Connor. The wooden floors were cold on his bare feet, and he wished he had a blanket. His laptop was still sitting on the coffee table, and he settled in the chair with the computer in his lap. He'd write until he was ready to go to sleep again.

  The words didn't come, and that sense of dread and impending danger only grew worse. He put the computer aside and shifted the shade so that he could peer down at the lighted street below. He thought he saw someone in the shadows but decided it was only his imagination and returned to the chair, still unable to concentrate and too shaken to sleep. He wished he had a phone. Using Connor's didn't seem quite right. He could see Connor's still shape in the bedroom, and he wondered if Connor would mind him using the phone again. He hadn't before.

  He got the phone and curled up again, still cold and shivering a little. He dialed Devon's number, hoping he would answer a strange number. “Lancaster.” The voice was fuzzy and still filled with sleep. Kevin didn't speak for a moment. “Hello? Is anyone there?” Devon didn't hang up, and Kevin still couldn't speak. “Kevin?” Kevin took a deep breath. “Honey, where are you, and why aren't you calling from your phone?"

  Kevin's hands trembled when he finally spoke. “I'm at Connor's."

  Devon was awake now. “Where's your phone? Did Connor do something to you, sweetheart? I can be there—"

  "No, Devon. He's wonderful. We had Chinese earlier, and he told me about his family, and I talked to them on the phone."

  "Then what's wrong, sweetheart? Why are you scared? I told you those things would come—"

  "When I'm ready.” He finished the statement without thinking. “I know. I'm understanding that now."

  "Something's wrong, though."

  Kevin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Josh is in jail.” Devon said nothing, no doubt speechless. “He broke into my apartment, trashed it, made threats, and he followed me to a diner. I told him to go away Devon, but he—"

  "Sweetheart, are you all right?"

  "I've got a bruise on my cheek, and I'm scared to death. Otherwise, I'm fine."

  Devon said nothing for several minutes, and Kevin could hear murmuring in the background. “You can come here. You know that, don't you? He won't look here."

  Kevin looked around Connor's barren apartment. He'd only known the man a couple of weeks, but he felt like he belonged with him. “I like it here."

  Devon sighed. “Honey, I just don't want you to get hurt."

  "I know."

  "Are you falling for him, Kevin?"

  Kevin scowled. “For who?"

  "Connor. Are you in love with him?"

  Kevin bit his lip and considered his feelings for a minute. “Maybe. I'm not sure yet.” He took a deep breath. “He holds me, Devon. He holds me, and he doesn't pressure me. He's patient, even though patience isn't one of his better virtues he says. He doesn't yell at me. He doesn't insult me. He—"

  "You're in love with him.” Devon's voice trembled a little, and Kevin wondered if he was crying.

  "I don't know. Maybe."

  Another heavy sigh. “Be careful, sweetheart."

  "I will be. I'm all right now.” And he was; the fear was gone and fading fast.

  "Good night then."

  "Night, Devon.” He hung up and sat in the darkness for a moment, cradling the phone to his chest, until Connor gently took it out of his hand.

  "Come back to bed, baby.” His voice was calm, soothing, and Connor led him into the bedroom. “Are you cold?” Connor asked when Kevin shivered. “I'll get another blanket."

  Connor spooned against his back, wrapping him in a warm embrace.

  "I'm fine now."

  Connor pulled the covers over them both, and Kevin closed his eyes.

  Connor's fingers were in his hair, smoothing and stroking. “Tell me about Devon."

  Kevin went stiff, not sure why Connor had asked. “What do you want to know?"

  "Why you call him in the middle of the night when you're scared. I heard you."

  Heat rushed to Kevin's face. “How much did you hear?"

  "Enough. Tell me about him. I know you had a fling, but that sounded more like you were talking to your father than an ex. He's important to you, and I want to know about him."

  Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and wished he'd been strong enough not to call Devon. “He's my friend, that's all.” He took a deep breath. “Devon's saved my life twice. Once
when I was in school, and again when I was rescued. He wouldn't let me go back. He kept telling me I'd end up dead if I went back, and I believe that now, although I didn't then.” Connor hadn't let him go, and he was still listening. “I'm scared of Devon because of what he is. I have a hard time separating that from my friend. I do fine with him on the phone, so that's how we talk. I hadn't talked to him for a few days, and I thought—"

  "He should know what's happened.” Connor combed his fingers though Kevin's hair. “I'd like to meet him someday."

  "You would?” Kevin couldn't quite believe what he'd just heard.

  "I want to meet the man that saved you.” Kevin rolled over so he could face Connor and kissed his lips, wondering if he was just saying these things. Connor touched his face and traced the line of his cheek. “I have to thank him."

  "For what?” Kevin wished his heart would stop beating so fast and hard. He could barely hear Connor over the blood pounding in his ears.

  Connor's lips brushed over his. “Helping you overcome what Josh did to you."

  Kevin scooted closer, tucking his head under Connor's chin. “I—” The words still wouldn't come, even though he wanted them to. Devon had been right. He was in love and falling fast, and for once, the idea excited rather than frightened him.

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  Chapter Sixteen

  Connor stayed awake after Kevin fell back to sleep, thinking about what Kevin had just told him and wondering how often Kevin talked to Devon. He wondered what the man looked and sounded like. How old was he? Was he just a friend like Kevin said, or something more? He slid out of the bed and pulled a sweatshirt over his head. He'd work for a little while. He had projects that needed to get done, and he'd been neglecting them. He turned on his little desk light and booted up his computer, but when he turned around, he saw the phone.

  He hated himself when he picked up the phone and pressed the redial button, but curiosity had gotten the best of him. He wanted to hear Devon's voice.

  "Lancaster."

  The deep, rich voice surprised him. It sounded like a shrink's voice.

  "Sweetheart, I thought you said you weren't scared anymore."

  Connor flinched, realizing Devon must have recognized the number.