by Lilly Atlas
She took a deep breath. It was time. Time to reveal what she’d learned about herself these past two weeks through many hours of introspection, journaling, and reality facing. “One of the things that attracted me to Derek from the first moment I met him…” she started, looking at Maggie.
With a quick shake of her head, Maggie pointed to Derek. “Speak to him, Alyssa, not me.”
She nodded and clenched her hands in her lap as she faced the man who owned her heart. “One of the things I fell hard for and still love about you, is your strength.”
He gave her a half smile and flexed a colorful bicep that still had the power to make her sex clench, even after all these years. She could have kissed him for trying to lighten the serious mood in the office.
“Yes,” she said as her face heated. “But also, your inner strength. You take command and control without being overbearing. You work hard to protect me from anything you think will harm me. You stood up to my family years ago and saved me from a life I didn’t want to live. You’ve overcome your own personal hell. You face every challenge we’ve ever encountered as though it’s no more than an annoying gnat buzzing around. Nothing bests you.”
Derek sat quietly and listened to her. She stared straight into his eyes while she spoke and almost forgot Maggie was there as her surroundings faded into background. Everything in her was focused on him.
“But there are still some things that can cut through the strongest steel. What happened to Katie did something to me, inside of me, that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from. And I know it did the same thing to you. And I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle seeing your devastation, your pain.”
She dropped her face into her hands as shame swamped her and tears flooded her eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s so selfish of me. I’m supposed to be there for you and I just…ch-checked out.”
The tears fell in torrents as horrible choking sobs wracked her body. Admitting it out loud, hearing the words, telling Derek that she’d been too lost in her own grief to tolerate his made her feel like the worst wife on the planet.
Derek had tolerated so much because of her, because of her family. He’d been amazing through Katie’s illness and she’d abandoned him in his time of need in favor of her own needs.
It was a wonder he could even stand to look at her.
I couldn’t handle seeing your devastation, your pain.
Alyssa’s words cut into him, piercing the hard shell he’d erected since Katie’s passing. She shouldn’t have had to see his devastation. He should have shielded her from it. Protected her from it. Alyssa had needed him strong to guide her through the tragedy.
He’d failed her.
And now they were sitting in a therapist’s office trying to glue the broken pieces of their marriage.
His wife wept into her hands. The sounds of her anguish filled the small therapist’s office. He should go to her, do something to ease her suffering, but as had become his new norm, he did nothing.
All the emotions he’d been putting in little boxes and shoving into the corners of his mind reached out and wrapped their hands around his neck, choking him for all they were worth. Katie’s suffering, his wife’s torment, his own loss and feelings of failure. Maggie had asked them for some introspection during their time apart, and even that he’d chickened out on until the previous night. Now, hearing Alyssa’s misguided guilt and shame, everything he’d tried to tamp down exploded within him.
It was paralyzing in its intensity. So much so that he couldn’t even offer his wife comfort. He was failing her yet again.
“Derek, you look a little green around the gills,” Maggie said. “I’d like to get your feelings on what Alyssa just said, but first I’d like to address it myself. Here, Alyssa.” She held out a box of tissues. Not the same box as last time. With a practice like hers, she must go through the damn things faster than a whore went through condoms.
“Thanks,” Lyss said as she sniffed. “I’m sorry I lost it like that.”
“Please don’t be,” Maggie replied. “I want you to know, Alyssa, that what you’re feeling is extremely normal. The tragedy you and Derek experienced is pretty much the worst thing a couple can go through. It’s not selfish to have a difficult time seeing your big, strong, SEAL husband crippled with grief.”
Derek flinched at her description, but couldn’t deny it.
“It’s normal,” Maggie continued. “It’s expected. You love him. You just witnessed someone you love succumb to a horrible disease. It’s only natural that you wouldn’t want to see anyone else you love suffer. All couples lose their way for a time. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high for marriages in which a child passes? Some people can’t stand the sight of their loved one anymore, because it reminds them of their child. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. Some internalize their feelings until they self-destruct. Others withdraw and slowly pull away. But not all couples care enough to find their way back to each other. And you two do. Tell me what you’re thinking, Derek.”
“Huh? What?” All he could see were Alyssa’s red-rimmed eyes and tear-drenched cheeks. All he could hear was the loud voice in his head berating him for neglecting his wife, for failing her, for failing their child. Alyssa deserved a man who would could be there for her. A man who wouldn’t pull away from her when the road got rough.
“Derek? You okay?” Lyss asked.
He blinked and looked at the two women gawking at him. One with concern on her beautiful but sad face, and the other with patient understanding. Like she could see into his head and knew he was all sorts of fucked up in that moment, but she wasn’t fazed by it.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Suddenly the four walls of the office seemed to be closing in on him. He pulled at the neck of his T-shirt to ease the sensation of the fabric tightening. Hell, his own skin felt itchy and too tight like he it was trying to suffocate him.
He stood. A crushing pressure in his chest made breathing difficult. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t.”
“What? Derek—” Alyssa’s eyes widened, and she turned as he rounded the couch and sped toward the door.
“Derek, it’s all right. Sit back down. I’ll get you some water, and we can discuss it,” Maggie said.
He reached for the doorknob and shook his head. The heaviness in his chest was almost crushing at that point. Casting one last glance at his wife, he somehow managed to inhale enough air to speak. “I’m sorry.”
“Der—”
He didn’t wait to hear Alyssa’s pleas. He tromped through the door, past a startled receptionist, and out into the chilly November air. Only when he was seated in his SUV could he finally breathe again. And he did just that. Resting his head against the steering wheel and focusing on each steady inhalation.
Shit, he hadn’t had a panic attack in years. Not since the early days of his and Lyss’s relationship. But he couldn’t stand the thoughts running through his head. The bombardment of negative emotions. The insight he’d been lacking over the past year.
And if the weight of guilt over his distressed marriage hadn’t been enough to trigger an episode, the shattered look on his wife’s face as he fled the office like a chicken shit was.
And the knowledge that there was no one to blame for her devastation but himself only made it worse.
Now she was probably in there crying her eyes out to the therapist when he should be the one to comfort her. Another failure.
He should man up and head back in there, but he couldn’t. Not until he had his head on straight.
Shit. Could he have fucked the situation up any worse?
Chapter Thirteen
Familiar sensations hit him from all angles. The harsh clank of weighted metal plates banging together. The whirring and heavy clop of feet pounding on a treadmill belt. Men and women wiping perspiration from their brows. The subtle stench of sweat that never seemed to vacate the air in the gym.
Muscles he hadn’t used in far too long twitched as though anticipating
the abuse they were about to take. But instead of dreading it, both he and his muscles were chomping at the bit to get a good workout in. For a SEAL, grueling physical activity was the norm. A part of everyday life. Running, pushups, pull ups, obstacle courses, swimming, martial arts. You name it, his team did it. Every single day. Along with guns, knives, bombs, and basically every weapon the military utilized, their bodies were just as deadly a weapon.
At first, their bodies struggled under the huge physical strain required of them. Hell Week during BUDS training couldn’t have been more aptly named. But as time went on, he and his teammates became so accustomed to placing high demands on their bodies, they almost came to crave the intense physical workouts.
Even after leaving the Navy, he’d worked out religiously. In the gym, running on trails, sparring with Brett, shooting at a local range. They hadn’t kept to the level of the SEALS, but no one could accuse either of them of being slouches.
Until now, anyway. Well, until almost two years ago when Katie’s treatment and care became so time consuming, he gave it up.
With a snort, he made his way to an unoccupied treadmill. That wasn’t entirely true. In fact, it was a cop-out. They would have found a way to make it work. Alyssa would have been more than willing to pick up the slack and stay with Katie while he exercised. Hell, Roxie or Brett would have as well.
His inability to deal with the helplessness and failure of every bomb they threw at Katie’s illness had him drawing away from it as he’d drawn away from Lyss and everything else in his life. Looking at it now, from a bit of distance, he could really see how he should have kept up with the workouts. Tiring himself out would have helped him sleep. Taxing his muscles to fatigue would have given him an outlet for all the negativity and stress in his life at the time. The quiet time afforded by miles of running would have given him time to process his thoughts and emotions in a more constructive manner than shoving them into a box in his mind.
Hindsight.
The clear-eyed motherfucker.
He stepped on the revolving tread, stuck his earbuds in his ears, and moved through some basic stretches before firing up the machine. Ten minutes into a steady jog, sweat ran down his face in rivers, his heart pounded like the drum solo to Wipe Out, and his leg muscles screamed in agony.
Shit, he was in worse shape than he’d assumed.
Pathetic.
After another five minutes, he started to find his groove. Sure, he’d still be left in the dust if he was stupid enough to try to race Brett, but instead of feeling like he was dying, he was enjoying the push-pull of his muscles as he ran.
“Excuse me! Hey, dude, can you hear me?” a woman to his left asked.
Without slowing his pace, he paused the music and yanked an earbud out. A woman in barely-there running shorts and a tight-fitting tank stood in the center of the treadmill to next to his. She was cute, with black hair in a high ponytail, colorful hibiscus tattoos running from her right elbow to shoulder, and hoops through her eyebrow and nose.
“Were you talking to me?” he asked.
“Yeah, sorry to bother you. Just wanted to tell you your ink rocks. Some of the best work I’ve seen.” The girl, probably in her early twenties, pointed to his left arm.
He had a full sleeve, most of it done since he left the Navy, with various tribal tattoos, a few nods to his SEAL brothers, both fallen and living, but the one she stared at was on his forearm. A baby’s footprint with angel wings and spanning the entire length and width of his large forearm.
The footprint was copied directly from Katie’s baby print, stamped just minutes after birth. He’d done the ink work himself, no easy feat, but it was too personal for another artist. Katie, as many little girls, was obsessed with all things pink and purple, so he’d done the foot in vibrant swirls of those colors. The wings were golden. He didn’t give a shit that it wasn’t the most masculine of tattoos out there. It was bright, colorful, and cheerful, exactly how Katie should be remembered.
“Thanks,” he said as he lifted the earbud back to his ear.
“Where’d you get it done?”
He sighed. Where was she going with this? If she wanted to talk ink, he’d give her a few minutes of his time, but if she was looking for something more than that, she was out of luck. He could appreciate a pretty face, as he was sure Lyss could appreciate an attractive man, but that was as far as it went. In all the years he and Lyss had been together, he hadn’t felt so much as a flicker of interest in another woman. Even innocent flirting was a waste of his time and he never engaged in it.
“Place in Adams Morgan. Enjoy your run.” There. A dismissal without being an asshole.
The girl chuckled. “I can take a hint. But, dude, I get it. You’re married. I can clearly see the wedding ring you keep flashing my way while pretending you’re not doing it on purpose.” She laughed again then hit some buttons on her treadmill and started a fast walk. “Promise I’m not interested in anything more than some ink talk. You’re not that good looking.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Ego, much?”
Good thing it took a fuck of a lot to embarrass him, because he’d be mortified if it didn’t. And she’d whacked that nail right on the head. He’d been not so discretely angling his left hand so she had a clear view of his wedding ring. He chuckled. Did kind of make him seem like an egotistical bastard.
“Ah, sorry about that. And I did the ink myself.” He held up his arm, with Katie’s tat facing toward the girl. “That one, anyway.”
She whistled. “Damn, now I’m even more impressed. You’ve got some serious talent. Name’s Thea by the way.”
“Thanks. I’m Derek. And that’s some pretty impressive work you’ve had done as well.”
She smiled and peeked at her shoulder. “Wait—you said a shop in Adam’s Morgan? Wouldn’t happen to be Trident Ink, would it?”
What the hell? His shop was well known in the area, but they hadn’t done her tattoo. He’d have remembered it for sure. It was some damn fine work. The flowers almost looked three dimensional, like they were lifting right off her skin. “That’s the one. I own it. Heard of us, huh? We didn’t do that shoulder.”
“Nah. Had this done in Texas, where I’m from. Just moved here actually and in a strange twist of fate, I have an interview tomorrow at your shop for the piercer position.”
Derek’s eyes widened. “No shit?” Brett was going to love her, maybe too much.
“No shit,” she responded.
“Pretty damn small world, huh? Hope you’re not nervous. It will be pretty laid back. I’m assuming you’ve spoken to Brett? He’s my business partner and the other piercer.”
She nodded then increased the speed on the treadmill until she was running at nearly his pace. Geeze, he had at least eight inches on her and she had no problem keeping time with him.
Pathetic.
“Yeah, he seems great. He said he’d be the one conducting the interview.”
“He will.” Derek considered her for a second. She was young, probably not very experienced, but friendly and probably great with customers. Sometimes personality trumped experience, not skill necessarily, but just because she was inexperienced didn’t mean she wouldn’t be skilled at the job.
He liked her. She’d be a great addition to the shop. “Hey, I’ll give you a tip to get on Brett’s good side right off the bat. There’s a quick mart down the block from the shop, owned by a great guy named Farhad. Drop my name, let him know you need a large of Brett’s favorite. He’ll hook you up and you’ll have Brett wrapped around your finger in no time.”
Her face lit up with a radiant smile. She’d obviously understood she had the boss’s seal of approval. “Thanks. I’ll do that.” She started to replace her headphones then turned toward him again. “Wait, what’s his favorite?”
Derek snickered. “Mocha latte, heavy on the syrup and extra whip.”
A startled laugh bubbled out of Thea. “You’re kidding me? Not the most macho of drinks. Brett told me you wer
e both former SEALS.”
“Yep. He claims that’s why he drinks it. Too many mornings drinking shitty black coffee in the desert. Likes to indulge.”
“Well, can’t fault him for that. Well, I’ll let you get to it. The longer I talk, the more chance I have of saying something stupid and completely ruining my chances of getting the job even before the interview.”
He laughed. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, but I should focus. I need to at least pretend you wouldn’t kick my ass in a race.”
She smiled and shoved her earbuds in her ears. “Good talking to you. See you tomorrow.” Her ponytail bobbed in time with her steps and she was starting to huff and puff.
Thank God. He could hang on to his man card for another day.
Derek ticked his speed up a few notches and increased his stride. No sense in exercising if he wasn’t going to push himself.
The friendly Thea would be a nice addition to their team. Hopefully Brett could resist the temptation to come on to her. They really needed a second piercer and did not need a sexual harassment suit. Not that women ever complained when Brett turned his attention toward them, but there was a first time for everything.
Piercing had become an integral part of their business. Much more than he’d ever anticipated. When they opened shop, Brett barely had enough to keep him busy. But now? Well now they had a waiting list the length of his arm. Hence the interview.
Excitement bubbled under his skin. The shop he’d worked so hard to grow and nurture had made quite a name for itself. And it was continuing to expand. His dream had really come true.
He couldn’t wait to tell Lyss. Both about the potential for increased business as well as about the interviewee herself. For some reason, he had a feeling the two would hit it off.
Huh.
That was the first time in a while he’d been excited to share some news with Lyss.
Really it was the first time he’d felt a spark of life about anything. He’d gone through the motions at work, like everything else in his life, but he’d feared he’d lost his passion for it. But now, he felt it again. Enthusiasm. Pride in his business. The desire to work hard and see the results of his efforts.