by Lilly Atlas
With each sentence, his tone grew darker and his eyes flatter. Alyssa’s stomach began to hurt. Her husband was in pain. Serious, soul-crushing pain.
“You are my team now. It’s my responsibility to protect you. To make you happy. And it was my responsibility to do the same for our daughter. So when Katie was diagnosed, we planned. And we attacked. Hard.” His voice cracked. “But it failed. And she died.”
Tears flooded Alyssa’s eyes, but she didn’t bother to stem them. This needed to happen. Actually, this needed to happen a year ago, but she would take it now.
“And then I just kept on failing.”
Huh? Alyssa frowned.
“I abandoned the rest of my team. I let you down. I let you suffer because I couldn’t handle what happened to our little girl. I left you behind.”
“Derek—”
He shook his head. “Just let me say it all. Please.”
“Okay,” she whispered. A feeling of dread overtook her. This wasn’t going to end well. She could feel it deep in her gut.
He hung his head and stared at his lap. “You deserve a man, a husband, who won’t check out when things get hard. I wasn’t that man. And now, with the chance that you might be pregnant, what was my first thought again? To flee. To let you down all over again.”
That was enough. Time to take control of this conversation before it went off the rails. “Derek,” she said. “Derek, look at me, please.”
He lifted his gaze. “Have you noticed how many people have quoted the divorce rate for couples after the loss of a child?” When he didn’t reply, she forged on. “A lot of people. And you want to know why? It’s because what happened to us is horrible. Beyond horrible. It’s unnatural. Parents shouldn’t have to b-bury their children.” A sob stuck in her throat, but she forced it down. Later she could cry her eyes out. For once, her husband needed her to be the strong one, so that’s what she’d do.
She ran her hand over his soft beard and said in a whisper, “It’s the worst thing a couple can go through. And it tears them apart. Now, I love you, and I think you are the most amazing man in the world. But I do not think you are super human. I do not think you are the one man on earth who can experience what we did and remain unaffected and, well, un-fucked up.
“I think the only thing that either of us has done wrong over the past year is to think that our relationship was above breaking. We’re human, just like every other couple. Maybe if we hadn’t been so cocky, we’d have gotten help sooner and wouldn’t have wasted so much time apart from each other. Maggie told me yesterday that now all we’re doing is throwing away more time on misguided guilt.
“And don’t you think my first thought was to run away as well? Pretty natural when facing something as scary as a pregnancy. But we didn’t run. We’re here, talking.”
“I can’t, Lyss. I’m too eaten up with it. The guilt. You need someone who isn’t going to let you down. Someone who is strong enough to handle your fears and worries as well as his own. I don’t know if that is me anymore.” Gently, he scooped her off his lap and deposited her on the couch next to him.
Before she had the chance to react, he’d stood and moved toward the door. There was a heaviness in his step. Alyssa had seen him down and out before. Not often, but he’d suffered some issues with PTSD when they first met. This was different though. This was the walk of a terrified man, and for the first time, real fear chilled her blood.
Nothing she said got through to him. And now he was leaving.
“I need some time,” he said when he reached the door.
“Time for what?” Despite how she tried to be strong, her voice wavered.
“Time to sort out my head. It’s hard enough trying to find a way to forgive myself for being unable to save Katie. Now I have to add the possibility of another child to my list of worries. I’m not sure I can give you what you need anymore.”
She stood as well. “Don’t you think I get to make that decision? About what I need?”
“I love you, Lyss.”
“I know.” And she did. That wasn’t the issue here. The issue was whether or not he could deal with his grief. Because it had turned into guilt, and if he couldn’t deal with it, their marriage might be over. “I love you too, Derek. And I need you. Just you.”
“We’ll see,” he said as he walked out the door.
It was as though he took all the air in the room with him when he left. The air and her strength. Her knees buckled, and she collapsed to the couch, a pain in her chest she’d only felt one other time. The moment she realized her little girl wouldn’t be waking up. Now she might be facing her second horrifying loss.
She’d been filled with such a strong sense of hope when he’d had waltzed into her office earlier. Finally, they were going to connect as Derek and Alyssa and begin the process of moving past their pain, past their grief and guilt, past their loss.
Watching him turn his back and walk away was so much harder this time around. Now she knew what was going on in his head. Knew the demons he was battling were great. But she would help him with those demons. She’d done it before. They’d done it before. Together as a couple.
The taste of him still lingered on her tongue and she licked her bottom lip as though trying to catch any stray molecule of his essence.
And then the anger came. Not for what had happened in the time since Katie passed. But for what happened tonight. For what happened the last time they were together. She’d made it clear that she wanted to fight for their relationship and was willing to get just about any kind of help she could.
But Derek just kept walking out. The Derek she knew and loved wasn’t a quitter. He was a gutter fighter when there was something he felt passionately about.
Maybe that was just it. Maybe all of this, the pain, guilt, fear, and now potential to experience it all over again with a new life, maybe it had snuffed out his desire to fight for them.
Oh, God.
Her stomach pitched, and she dashed back into the bathroom, falling to her knees just in time to lose everything she’d eaten.
With a trembling hand, she wiped her mouth and pressed her fingers to her lips.
He’d come back to her. They’d vowed to remain together.
Through good times and bad.
Sickness and health.
Until death parted them.
But it was supposed to be their own death, not something even worse. Not the death of their child.
With her tattered heart aching, Alyssa slumped against the wall of the bathroom and sobbed for all she’d lost and all she still might lose.
Chapter Seventeen
“You gonna offer Thea the job?” Derek finished wiping down his station as he called across the shop to Brett. He’d just finished working on Hunter’s piece and needed one more session to get it all wrapped up. He’d thrown himself into work the past few days. It was self-preservation, the only time he got some kind of break from torturing himself. If he wasn’t working, he was obsessing.
Obsessing over his relationship with Alyssa. Obsessing over the possibility of having another child. Obsessing over his own guilt.
With a grunt, Brett fished around in the refrigerator. “The ink on her certificate is barely dry,” he said into the fridge. “You want a beer?”
Derek moved to the sink and filled his hands with soap. He’d popped in for about a third of Thea’s interview and was impressed with what he knew of her so far. She may not have been piercing long but she had drive and personality. Two major checks in the plus column.
“Thanks. Grab some juice for Hunter, too. He’s waiting for us in the breakroom. And I know she’s brand new, but she seems like she’d fit in well. And she’s eager to prove herself. That’s always a bonus. You could start her with easy clients and train her for a bit on the more difficult piercings.”
Brett snickered. “I could train her on a few things all right,” he called over his shoulder as he walked into the breakroom.
“Stop righ
t there!” Derek jogged after him and joined Brett and Hunter at the round table staff ate at daily. He grabbed one of the beers and a bottle opener. “You will not touch her, flirt with her, tease her, or propose to her. Hell, I don’t really even want you to look at her. She’ll be your employee and nothing more. You get me?”
“Thanks for the lecture, but I’m pretty sure I can control myself. Let’s talk about you instead. You done being a complete and total asshole yet?” Brett leaned back in his chair and fixed Derek with his meanest scowl.
Hunter just took in the show without a word, one brow arched well into his forehead. Being a customer and all, he didn’t typically hang out with them, but tonight Derek had worked on his ink long after the shop closed. Brett’s workday had ended hours ago, but he’d hung around, having a rare dateless night, shooting the shit as Derek worked and Hunter zoned out.
It was nearing midnight and Derek wasn’t looking forward to returning to an impersonal hotel room. Killing some more time with his buddies was no hardship. Unless Brett planned on heckling him some more about the way he was screwing up his marriage.
“Can we not do this now?” he asked, returning Brett’s scowl and upping him one ounce of pissed off. It had been two days since the debacle in Alyssa’s office and Brett hadn’t missed an opportunity to cram his opinion down Derek’s throat.
“Sorry, bro. Act like an asshole and you’ll be treated as such.” He drained his beer and turned his attention to Hunter. “You see, Derek here has one of the most amazing women in the world as his wife. She’s not only hot as fuck—” Derek growled, and Brett shot him a wide toothy grin. “—she’s sweet as pie, smart as a whip, and she’d lay down her life for this POS,” he said jerking a thumb in Derek’s direction.
“If that’s not bad enough, they fuck like freakin’ bunnies even after being married for so long. Never made any kinda sense. You mention the word sex in front of Lyss and she blushes like you caught her nekkid.” He shook his head. “Yet I happen to know for a fact that that woman—”
“Okay, I think he gets it, Brett.”
Brett had been half in love with Alyssa from the moment he met her. Mostly it was a familial kind of love, but there were a few times in the beginning where Derek was convinced Brett would scoop her up for himself if he fucked it up. While Brett acted like being in a monogamous relationship was akin to catching the plague, he never failed to let Derek now just how lucky a bastard he was.
Growing up, Brett had the shittiest examples of relationships. Made sense he’d be fascinated by a strong one. Or what used to be a strong one.
“I’ve met her,” Hunter said with a nod. “Seems like a keeper.” Hunter wasn’t one to pry or offer unsolicited advice and Derek appreciated it. The man knew pain. Knew suffering. He fought the good fight everyday just to keep moving forward.
“She is. Wouldn’t know it by the way D’s been treating her,” Brett said, causing Derek’s blood to heat. He’d had about enough of his friend’s two cents. What the fuck did Brett know about making it last with someone for more than a week or two?
Not a goddamned thing.
He opened his mouth, prepared to blast Brett for running his trap about something he knew shit about.
“Was married once,” Hunter said.
Both he and Brett stopped shooting eye-lasers at each other and listened. Since Hunter wasn’t one to wax poetic, whenever he spoke, it was usually something important.
“You’re pretty young for a married once situation,” Brett said.
Hunter snorted. “Was even younger when I got hitched. Twenty.” He shook his head as shadows flashed in his eyes. “Seems like another lifetime now. She was a keeper too. Beautiful girl. Loved life. Loved me. And fuck, did I love her. So many guys in the teams, their wives cheated, couldn’t handle the pressure, fucked up the finances while they were overseas. You guys heard all the stories. Not Beth. First time I was injured—shot in three places—she gave me exactly what I needed. Softness when it was called for, a good swift kick in the ass at times too. But always love.”
He fell silent. There was a point to this story, a point Derek both wanted and dreaded hearing. Because it wasn’t going to have a happy ending and it was for his benefit. “What happened?” he forced himself to ask.
Hunter sighed and scratched his chin. “Well, I on the other hand thought I wasn’t what she needed. I thought she could find better. A man who wasn’t in danger all the time. Who didn’t leave at the drop of a hat for who the hell knew how long. One who wouldn’t come home all shot up. Who didn’t get a little more fucked in the head with each mission.”
He finished his juice then set up a shot and fired the cup across the breakroom into the trash can.
“Nice shot,” Brett said. “So, I’m guessing you left your girl.”
“Sure did.” Hunter shook his head. “Biggest fucking mistake of my life. Knew it the second the words came out of my mouth, but I was too fucked up to make it right. Not sure whose heart I crushed more, hers or my own.” He sighed, a deep remorseful sound. “Found out about year and a half later she was engaged again. Guy turned out to be a real fuckwad. Tell you what, if I had it to do over again, I would have held on to her real tight.”
He rose and extended a hand to Derek. “Thanks for staying late, man. Appreciate you accommodating me.”
“Happy to do it,” Derek said as he shook Hunter’s hand. “See you in two weeks. Should be the last session.”
Hunter nodded and walked toward the door. His gait was so smooth, if Derek didn’t know it, he’d never guess the guy had a prosthetic limb.
Derek and Brett exchanged a look. Was that it? His girl married a fuckwad? There had to be more to the story.
When Hunter reached the glass door, he turned around and pierced Derek with a cold, hard stare. “He beat her,” he said. “Never knew or I’d have ripped his nuts out through his throat. Pushed her down the stairs. Broken neck, head injury. She survived three days in a coma before she died. We’re all fucked in our own way, Derek. Don’t know what’s in your head, but I figure you’re here now instead of home with your woman so it can’t be good. Hope you ain’t thinking of bailing, man. You think maybe she needs something you can’t give her? Trust me, she don’t. Shit’s gonna happen that you can’t control or stop. And it’s gonna feel like it’s tearing you apart. But believe me, getting the chance to try to control shit, even if it fails, it beats sitting on the sideline any day.”
With that, Hunter stepped out into the night leaving Derek feeling like he’d just been kicked in the stomach.
“Shit,” Brett said running a hand down his face, his usual smirk nowhere to be found. “It’s a fucking miracle that guy’s not rocking back and forth in the corner.”
“Yeah.” Hunter’s words hit him hard. The man was right. Shit was going to happen. As SEALS, they knew it better than most. How many innocent lives had he witnessed destroyed by war and evil?
Too many to count.
Even here, in the land of the free, horrific things happened on a daily basis. Out of his control. Incurable disease, mass shootings, car accidents. This list went on. He could toss away his life with Alyssa on the paranoid notion that something might happen. Or he could man the fuck up, protect her from what he did have control over, and enjoy the rest of his days with her.
Seemed so easy when he broke it down like that. Easy to say, harder to live when there was a voice in his head telling him he should have protected his family better. Should have fought harder, should have found a way to make Katie better.
“There’s a chance Lyss is pregnant,” he blurted before he thought the better of it. Brett would keep his confidence, if she was in fact pregnant.
Brett didn’t even try to hide his surprise. His eyes bugged, and his mouth flapped like his jaw came unhinged “Whoa, I had no idea you were ready for that. I didn’t even realize you guys were talking much, let alone fucking.”
Derek shot his friend a death glare. “We’re working
on our shit, but there’s no way we’re ready to even consider having another kid. Way too much baggage to sort through.”
“Well you better get ready.” Brett grabbed the empty beer bottles and walked them to the recycling can.
Get ready? Really? That was his best friend’s advice? “Thanks, B, super helpful.”
“Look,” Brett said as he planted his palms on the table opposite Derek and leaned forward. “Not saying it’s easy, but if she is pregnant, then you have no choice but to find a way to deal with it because it will be your new reality. Think of it like a mission. Unexpected shit happens all the time. Adjust and adapt.” He shrugged. “You’ll figure it out. Let’s go.”
He started for the door.
“Where we going?”
“You’re going home. I’m going to Jessica’s.”
“Home? I’m not sure—”
“Okay, D, I’m gonna give it to you straight, okay?” Brett turned and was sporting a seriously pissed off expression. “I can’t imagine what it was like for you to lose your baby girl like you did. Fuck, it damn near wrecked me, and I’m just the favorite uncle. So maybe I have no right to give advice, but I love you and I love Lyss, so I’m gonna.
“That woman loves you and would do damn near anything to fix what’s broken between you. Including spilling her guts about your sex life to a stranger when she can barely say the word sex in mixed company. You need time to think, process, get your head on straight? Fine. Take that time. But take it at home, with your wife and keep her in the loop every step of the way. Because if you lose her, I’ll kick your ass until there’s nothing left of you. Get me?”
His buddy’s words, combined with Hunter’s story, hit him deep. Brett was right. Bottom line was he loved his wife. Despite feeling like he failed her, he wasn’t going to leave her. He pretty much couldn’t leave her, not if he wanted to survive. That’s how much he needed her.