by Tess Oliver
Sundance looked up toward the stage for a second. "So, should we talk about the elephant in the room." He looked back at me. "Or should I say—the big, badass elephant not in the room?"
I shrugged. "He said he had some work to finish."
Sundance's brow lifted. "Work? Tonight?"
"That's what he said. You want to question him, go right ahead. He's hardly talking to me." As soon as I said it, I wanted to erase it. Normally, Sundance knew everything that was going on in my life. Zach's too. Just like we knew everything that was going on in his. But I'd been keeping tight lipped about shit lately. Mostly because I just didn't want to talk about it.
"Why the hell aren't you guys talkin'? Did you get in a fight?"
I didn't answer.
"Hey, don't think I haven't noticed that something's going on. Ever since that night when you cancelled the game of War, you both have been acting like someone shoved hot pokers up your asses. It's not that unusual for Zach to act that way occasionally, but I never see you like that."
"Guess I'm getting older and grumpier."
"Bullshit." He tapped the counter to get Junior's attention. "Congratulations on that band. Looks like it's going to work out great for you. I'd like to put in a request for a permanently reserved table in that back corner."
Junior laughed. "You bet. And I'd like to put in a request for a Victoria’s Secret model to serve me breakfast in bed every morning."
Sundance held out his arms. "But I'm your best customer." He turned back to me. "Well later, bro. And, sorry that my sister is always so fucking right with that sixth sense of hers."
I stared at him but decided he didn't need a response. Especially because I just didn't have one.
He clapped me on the shoulder. "Later Joelle," he called across the room.
Joelle waved and said good night to her band. She walked casually toward me, holding back what looked like an explosive grin. She got halfway across the bar and squealed as her feet took off. She ran right into my arms. I picked her up and swung her around once.
"You had everyone on their fucking feet, Joey. It was awesome."
"People did seem to be enjoying themselves." Her gaze circled the room and her smile faded. She turned back to me. "He didn't show?" The disappointment in her face was the polar opposite of the face she was wearing when she dashed across the floor to me. Zach had been acting the first class asshole all week, but I hadn't expected him to skip out on Joelle's first night on stage.
"He said he wanted to finish that knife tonight. Guess the customer was anxious to get it." I knew the excuse was bullshit. He had the rest of the weekend to finish it because it wouldn't even ship out until Monday, but I kept that detail from Joelle.
Zach and I had barely talked since we'd all gotten drunk and naked together in the living room. Since Joelle came into our life, there had been so much going on between all of us, things that Zach and I’d known damn well were happening but up until that night, we'd done a damn good job at ignoring them. Now there was no way to ignore anything. We had both fallen for Joelle. The one strand that was still tangled, the thing that was still unclear was how Joelle felt. When Zach and I had driven out in the rain, both scared that something had happened to her, it seemed that we had cracked some of the ice that had frozen between us. But after we found her, standing on the side of the road, that ice barrier solidified again.
Junior slapped a nice pile of money on the counter behind us. "Your take, Joelle. The crowd never thinned tonight, thanks to you." He lifted his phone out of his pocket. "Halfway through the show, I posted a video, and it's going crazy with likes. Greg put flyers up all over the place and added the show to our website." He motioned to the money. "So that pile will just keep growing. If you need an advance, just let me know."
Joelle picked up the money and folded it. "Thanks, Junior. I'm excited. I think this is going to work out great. I wasn't sure if I could sing in front of a crowd, but turns out, I kind of liked it. I guess I'm more of a ham than I thought."
Junior looked around. "Where's Zach? I haven't seen him all night."
Joelle's shoulders sank again with the reminder that Zach hadn't come to her first performance.
"He's busy with work." I put my arm out for Joelle to take. "We'll see you later, Junior."
Joelle and I walked out to the car. It was always easy to know when she had something on her mind. I reached for the door handle, but she turned to me.
"Jesse, that night . . ." Her gaze dropped to the ground. None of us had talked about that night. Ever. I knew we had all done a lot of thinking about it, but we'd all rolled up our thoughts and kept them tightly to ourselves. She looked back up at me. I saw her throat move as she swallowed. "I don't have any regrets. I know that's terrible, and it makes me sound loose or immoral or whatever. And I know, deep down, that I should feel regret. But I don't."
I was about to speak, but she shook her head and placed her hand on my arm.
"Or I should say, I didn't at the time." She took a deep breath as she looked around the parking lot, trying to gather her words. Her brown eyes were back on me, and they looked shiny with tears. "At the time it felt natural, real. I was buzzed on tequila, but I can still remember thinking that it felt real. It was like this amazing conclusion to a wild, slightly unbelievable story." She dropped her gaze again. "But now—" Her shoulders shook.
I wrapped my arms around her. "I have no regrets. Zach has no regrets. It happened. It's done."
She pulled her face away from my chest and wiped at her eyes. "No, you and Zach aren't talking. I never wanted to come between you. Ever. Having you two angry at each other is the worst possible ending to that night."
"We're fine, Joelle. Zach has just been in a bad mood this week. We both have been. It's typical brother shit. Don't worry about it."
I opened the car. She climbed in, not looking the slightest bit convinced. I couldn't blame her. The words had come out of my mouth, and I wasn't convinced either.
Joelle sat silently in her seat as I drove home. The entire way, I went through a million things I needed to tell Zach when I saw him. We needed to stop strutting around each other like pissed off idiots and talk this shit out. I looked over at Joelle. She'd had this awesome night, where she'd gained another piece of herself back. She gained back some of the confidence that asshole had erased. The last thing I wanted was to shred the happiness and stability she'd found here in Tanglewood. Who was I fucking kidding? The last thing I wanted was for her to walk out of my life. Whatever the hell was going through Zach's head, everything was pretty fucking clear in mine. I wanted Joelle in my life.
I turned down our quiet, remote road. The kitchen light was on, and the shop was dark. Zach had finished his knife. As Joelle and I crossed the yard to the house, the million things I wanted to tell him bounced around my brain again. By the time I reached the porch, I'd made the firm decision that I was going to tell my brother just how I felt about Joelle. Dad had brought us up to keep our feelings under lock and key because he claimed they would just get in the way or cause trouble. Maybe that was our problem.
We walked inside, and Bear lifted his big head from his kitchen pillow. He dropped it again, deciding it was too late in the night for a proper greeting. The knife Zach had been working on was sitting on the table, its masterfully crafted blade glistening under the light. I walked to the table to give it a better look. That was when I spotted the note next to it.
Joelle came up behind me and read it too.
'Jes, Can you mail this off Monday? The address is on the cork board in the shop. I needed some time away. Tell Joelle not to worry. Later, Zach.'
Before I could say a word or even look at her, Joelle ran from the kitchen and shut the bedroom door behind her.
27
Joelle
Jesse had spent most of the weekend working in the shop. I was glad to have both my day job and the singing gig to help to keep me occupied. Jesse had acted as if it was no big deal that Zach had tak
en off, without any warning or details. But I knew he was just putting on a show for me. We had both tried calling him, but his phone was going straight to voicemail.
I was sure Zach would return after the weekend, and while he never said it, I knew that's what Jesse thought too. Only Monday morning came and went, and there was no sign of Zach and no returned calls.
I had insisted on taking my bike to work. The sun was shining and I knew the brisk ride would help clear some of the dark mood from my head. I sure was great at showing my thanks. The two brothers had taken me in, given me food and security and literally the clothes off their backs, and I'd repaid them by breaking up their small, tight family.
I reached the train tracks and stopped at the place where I had jumped off the boxcar just a few months earlier. I stopped and put my feet down, straddling my bike. My heart was still pumping from the ride to town. I closed my eyes as the breeze coming off the adjacent fields cooled my face. I thought back to that horrid day, the day when I'd finally gotten the courage to leave Bobby. It was hard for me to face the embarrassing reality that I'd let it go on so long. But then I was young, and I had no one. After Lolly died, I was so utterly alone, I latched onto Bobby and never let go.
"Oh, Lolly," I said to myself, "no lemon chiffon pie this time. Almost. But now I've made a mess of things."
"Joelle?"
A voice popped me out of my silly little monologue. I turned around. Sherry was walking up behind me. "I looked out the shop window and saw you standing here. Is everything all right?"
I took a deep breath. "No. It's not." A sob followed. Sherry put her arm around me for a hug.
"Come on. The shop can stay closed for a few minutes. Let's go sit at the park and talk."
I climbed off the bike and pushed it along with us as we headed to Coltrane Park, my first stop in Tanglewood. It was Monday, so the only people at the park were a young mom and her two toddlers playing on the slide.
I rested my bike against the drinking fountain, and Sherry and I sat on the bench in the back corner of the tiny park.
"I don't want you to lose business because of my stupid meltdown."
She waved off my concern. "The sidewalks are quiet this morning, and besides, I needed to get away for a few minutes. The creepiest guy came in this morning. I mean he didn't look creepy, or, at least not in the conventional sense, but something about him made the hair stand up on my arms."
Sherry looked shaken by the incident, and she was not easily thrown off her game.
"What did he do? Did he try and steal something?”
"No, if he had it might have been less unsettling. He came in and said hello but then he just stood in the shop and looked around for a few minutes. I asked if I could help him, but he just shook his head and left. Anyway, enough about that." She took my hand. "My brother told me that Zach went out of town unexpectedly."
I nodded. "It's my fault. Jesse, Zach and I—" I stopped. As critical as that night had been, I saw no reason to tell Sherry what had happened. It was something deep and personal with emotional strands in every direction, so I decided to keep it to myself. "Everything was going well, mostly because we had avoided trying to define our relationships with each other. Stupidly, I thought we could all just go on as a happy trio. I realize now that I was being foolish, and as much as I hate to admit it, greedy. I just wanted to keep both of them to myself. I figured I had more than enough love for the both of them. Now Zach is gone. Jesse and Zach need each other. I'm afraid I've done irreparable damage to their relationship."
"First of all, and this might sting a bit, yes, you've been foolish and a touch greedy. But then, considering the relationship you ran from, no one can blame you for that. You had a double dose of affection coming to make up for all the crap you went through."
I leaned back against the bench and rubbed my arms to warm them. I stared out at the quirky, artsy town with its jewel-toned awnings, clean white sidewalks and forest backdrop. I'd grown incredibly fond of the place. After just a few months living in Tanglewood, it was easy to see why people never left the place or their family trades behind. I couldn't see myself getting on a bus and leaving. Even with everything that had happened, I felt that I'd finally found a place to be happy, a place to belong.
"What the heck do I do now? You've been telling me to regain some independence. I'm hoping if I move out, it'll help Zach and Jesse get their lives back to normal."
"I know of a few places that might work. You know, Joelle, I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be part of Jesse's and Zach's lives. Even a complete stranger could stand in the room with you three and know how tight the connection is between all of you."
A few women were looking in the shop window. Sherry stood up and I followed. I grabbed my bike, and we headed across the park.
"What should I do? How should I fix this? I'm lost."
Sherry stopped and turned to me. "You need to dig deep, Joelle. You came here an emotional wreck. Instead of having time to heal from that, you landed right into a situation where you were suddenly overwhelmed with attention and admiration and kindness. Look past the fact that they are both great guys and ask yourself—which one do you love and which one do you love?" Her emphasis on the last love made it easy to understand what she was asking.
I stood there and thought about her question. I'd never really asked myself that same question. Maybe it was because I thought I had no answer to it. But as my mind drifted back to all the time I'd spent with Zach and Jesse, an answer came through the mist.
I looked at Sherry. "Jesse has been like this magic happiness drug. Even on the dreariest days, he makes me smile. And with Zach, I feel like I could curl up in his arms and be safe and content for the rest of my life."
My eyes swept down to the ground, then I lifted them to her. Sherry was not much older than me but she had an incredible sense and understanding of the world. She really did have a sixth sense and I could see it in her face. She knew. Before I'd even figured it out, she knew.
"After everything that has happened in my life, it seems I've learned how to guard my heart. I love them both. But Zach's heart has never been there for the taking. It belongs to someone else. He's fiercely loyal to his brother and he's even more loyal to her, the woman who took his soul with her when she left town." I took a decent breath for the first time since that fateful and spectacular night. "All this time, my intuition has been working overtime to keep me safe from heartbreak. I didn't realize it until just now when you asked that. Jesse. I love Jesse."
I hugged her. "Thank you for that."
"Sometimes that sixth sense comes in handy." We continued on to the shop. "Sometimes it's a curse though. But you said something just now that has what Anthony calls my 'little troublemaker gears' working overtime." She pointed to her head. "I've got an idea. But I'm not going to say a word about it yet."
Two more women had gathered out front of the shop. Sherry sighed. "Guess it's going to be a busy morning after all."
We reached the sidewalk, and while I waited with the customers for Sherry to unlock the door, my mind raced. Then it hit me. That day Jesse and Zach came out to find me in the storm, I was so relieved to see them. Then I jumped into Jesse's arms. They both reached me at the same time, both wet and worried and relieved to find me all right. And without even thinking about it, I jumped into Jesse's arms. And Zach watched.
28
Jesse
I stared down at the knife. It was getting close, and for the first time, I was fucking proud of my work. All these years, Zach had been driving me to hone my skills, to find that flawless perfection hiding in every knife. Now I knew what the hell he'd been hounding me about all this time.
I stretched and yawned. Joelle had left a light on for me in the kitchen. Zach's leaving had hit her hard. As much as I wanted the jerk to come back home, Joelle's reaction to his leaving was the thing that really stuck in my craw. I'd allowed myself to believe that Joelle loved me like I loved her. But it seemed her heart was
broken, and it had nothing to do with the younger Coltrane brother. I had started to think Zach had left just to prove a point, to show me how much Joelle loved him.
At least the kick in the ass revelation had spurred me on to get the knife done and prove to myself and my brother that I really was a master like John James Coltrane. Even though Dad and Zach had insisted I had it in me, it was something I'd always denied. I'd decided to stop fucking around and either prove them right or wrong. And now I was feeling pretty damn good about my abilities, at least when it came to being a bladesmith. Sweeping a woman off her feet was obviously a skill my brother had mastered better than me.
Joelle and I had somehow managed to avoid any long conversations or time shared in the same room. It seemed she was waiting for my brother to return.
Bear looked up from his pillow as I walked into the kitchen. I patted him on the head and went down the hallway to the bathroom. I washed up, brushed my teeth and headed down the hall to my bedroom. I stopped at Joelle's door and listened for a sound, something that might tell me she was awake. The room was quiet.
I went to my room, stripped off my clothes and climbed into bed. Fatigue from a day and night of work dragged me right into a deep sleep, until a hand touched my arm. A familiar voice pulled me out of my drowsy state.
"Jesse." Joelle stood over my bed, staring down at me with those brown eyes that had followed me into many dreams these past few months. She was wrapped in my flannel shirt, a detail that instantly made me hard. Her lips parted as if she would speak. No words came.
I lifted the corner of my blanket, and she climbed in next to me. Joelle rested her head on the pillow and faced me. She reached up and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry this all went so spectacularly wrong," she said quietly.
I smiled. "You know, that first night when you came into our lives, after we decided you should stay, both Zach and I said 'after all, how much trouble can she be?'"