Why the hell can’t I remember?
I haven’t got time for a shower. At lightning speed, I wash my face and brush my teeth. I throw on one of my new sundresses that my mom bought last week during one of our mother-daughter shopping trips, and slip into my wedges.
I barely remember to pick up my school bag on my way out, and then I stumble into my car.
I start to relax knowing I’ll be at school in less than ten minutes, and then it hits me. The nausea. My body tingles all over, then the sweats come, and then I’m throwing my door open to hurl my guts up. I heave until there’s nothing left. After I’m done, I close the door and lean back in my seat. Slowly I put my belt on and start the car. I push through the tingles in my legs and tense my hands to stop the tremors. Luckily, I make it in time for the test, and if I can make my hand stop shaking, it’ll be a massive achievement.
A bottle of water appears on my desk, and there’s Ryder, smiling sadly down at me.
“Hey, do you know how I got home this morning?” I whisper as Mr. Halsey walks in.
Scrunching his face up, he looks at me as if I’ve gone mad.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I offered you some water because you look like you need it, Butterfly.”
Butterfly? I must be too ill to hear him properly. I make quick work of chugging down half the bottle, and I can’t work out if I regret it or not.
It sits uneasy in my stomach, and I decide that I regret it. I’ll get through the test, and if I still feel like shit at lunch, I’ll go home. Maybe I’ve got what Kayleigh has? I did hang with her the night before she fell sick, and she’s still out of school three days later. I barely make it through the test, and once it’s over, I struggle through my next two classes. One moment I feel fine, the next I’m feeling bad again. Nothing in the cafeteria appeals to me at lunch, but I have to eat something. I grab a sandwich and a bottle of water.
I managed to text Kayleigh and she’s still at home sick. I sit at our usual table and pick at the bread while I try to figure out what the hell happened last night. I haven’t seen Huxley today, and since Math, I haven’t seen Ryder either.
I would’ve hoped my lips still tingled with his kiss, but they’re only numb.
I smell him before I see him. Huxley sits beside me, just like yesterday, and passes me a bottle of water.
“You forgot your water.”
I did?
“Oh, thanks.”
I really have to get my head together. I could’ve sworn I brought it to the table.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I’m fine,” I mumble, mustering a smile to cover the lie.
“If you’re sure.” He shrugs. “I want to take you out on our first date.”
I freeze. It was less than eleven hours ago when he first spoke those words.
“First date?” I ask to clarify.
It’s not like I’ve got myself together today.
“Yeah?”
He looks as confused as I feel.
That means…oh no, it was a dream?
Oh my God, I feel so stupid. No wonder it’s all so hazy. I was sleeping, and I’ve apparently caught Kayleigh’s sickness.
I dreamt he kissed me. I can feel my own humiliation creeping across my skin and I want to die.
I should’ve known it was a dream, because I never would’ve snuck out of the house in the middle of the night.
“Allison?” He snaps his fingers in front of my face, and visions of the beach vanish. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Sorry, I spaced out.”
“So, what do you say? Do you want to go out with me?”
Again, Kayleigh’s mistrust fills my head, but it’s Huxley Bailey-Vaughan asking me out on a date.
“Sure.”
Hopefully, I’m still not dreaming. He leans in and kisses my cheek, and it burns where he touches.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven. Be ready for anything.” He grins and walks away.
What the hell is happening to me? I unscrew the bottle of water and drink until my stomach protests.
I can’t face eating the rest of my lunch, as I think I’ll puke if I do. Slinging my bag strap over my shoulder, I pile everything on my tray and dump it in the trash. Before I shove open the door, something causes me to turn around. Huxley and Ryder are both looking at me.
A wave of dizziness creeps over me, and I run out of the lunch hall to my car. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. The next thing I know, I’m woken by the school bell’s shrill ringing, marking the end of the school day. Bolting up, I bang my elbow against the door.
Rolling my neck, I ease the stiffness and rest my forehead on the wheel. What a day. It started with me feeling like crap, and now after my nap in the car like a hobo, I feel a lot better. Perhaps I just needed to rest. I’ve been studying a lot lately, so maybe it’s catching up with me. Turning the engine on, I throw the car in reverse and head for home.
* * *
PRESENT
“Mom!”
Blinking, the past fades away like it usually does when it creeps up on me and takes over my here and now thoughts. Over the years, it happened less and less, but being back, going to the places I went growing up, they’re plaguing me.
“Can we go in the water?” Tobias calls over from where he’s building his sandcastle. He built his first one three hours ago, and he’s set on making a row of them.
“Maybe later. Come here, I want to talk to you.”
He doesn’t hear me after I’ve said no, and I’m mostly glad for it, even though he’s being naughty. My rising confidence in telling him the truth only lasted a moment, and then it vanished. I don’t have the first idea how to tell him about his biological father. Deep down, I know I’m not going to tell him. How can I? I kept him away for a reason. If I tell him Huxley is his father, it would all have been for nothing. This is his first trip to the beach, and he doesn’t realise his bloodline owns the very sand he’s playing in, that they own the whole town.
Conner always voted for the beach when it was vacation time, but it reminded me of Bailey Cove, so I always got my way to go camping. There was always something about the woods hiding you from everything and everyone that appealed to me. For a few shorts days each year, I would be able to fully relax.
It’s been two days since I last saw Huxley, and I can’t bring myself to tell Tobias the truth of who he really is to him.
It’s better for him to grieve for a man who doted on him as a father than live with his real father, a man who’s delusional, and a nasty piece of work.
“Come on, Tobes,” I call out to him. “It’s time to go home.”
And not to Huxley’s mansion of manipulation. I’m talking about our home that I fought for all these years.
“Ah, Mom, can’t we stay a little longer? I haven’t finished my castle yet,” he whines, and I feel bad.
He gets the hint I’m not arguing with him when I shake out the blanket and start to pack everything away.
I hike up the bag strap over my shoulder and he stomps toward the promenade with his shoes in his hand. We walk over to the car that appeared outside the house yesterday with a note saying it’s now mine, and he hops in the back while I stow away the bag in the trunk.
I slam the door a little too hard when I slip behind the wheel, and Tobias jumps before going back to the iPad that goes with him everywhere now.
Huxley must’ve heard Trenton loaned him his, and now he has his own. It’s just another token that he can afford to give, like it means nothing. Tobias would have had to wait for a birthday or Christmas for such an expensive gift.
It dawns on me that we can’t go back to where we were living, we’re going to have to start new all over again.
I wouldn’t have put it past Huxley to have this car rigged with a tracking gadget.
I head for the bus station, and it brings back memories. I have the same strength I had the day I left nine years ago, only this time I have so
mething worth hiding other than myself. I don’t hold as much anxiety this time. Back then, I was petrified Huxley would catch me and drag me back home.
I don’t care that we park in a loading bay, it’s not like we’re coming back. I don’t bother taking anything from the car because I don’t want any reminders of this place. I open the back door and grab Tobias’s bag.
“Leave the iPad, Tobias,” I instruct as he climbs out of the car with it.
“Nooooo! Please, I’ll be so good, Mom. Let me take it home, it’s mine.”
We need to get out of here. Biting damn hard on my tongue, I refrain from snapping at my son. It isn’t his fault this is happening.
“Fine. But let’s get going. We don’t want to miss our bus.”
Not that we know which one we’re taking, as long as it’s the next one out, we’ll be on it. He hurries beside me to the ticket window and keeps his eyes glued to the screen while I dig out my purse.
“Leaving so soon?”
My stomach drops.
“Hi, Ryder,” Tobias chirps.
“Hey, dude. Do me a favour and go wait with Benjamin while I talk with your mom.”
He points to a guy standing by a black SUV, and I frown when my son doesn’t hesitate. He runs over to this guy I’ve never seen before and jumps in the back of his car.
“I shouldn’t be here, Ry. You know it as much as I do.” He must understand. One person in this town has to see this is crazy, that you can’t just keep people around because it’s what you wish.
“You shouldn’t run. You know as well as I do that chasing you is his favourite hobby,” he answers, choosing not to agree with me.
“I can’t tell Tobias about him, I just can’t.”
“It doesn’t matter the circumstances, you had a kid with him. He has rights, and if you run again he’ll exercise those rights and take him from you. Then where would you be without the boy?”
Where is this coldness coming from? His words hit me hard and I step closer to him.
“Why do you let him do this to me?”
He falters and looks away. I can’t read his eyes, as they’re covered by his shades, yet I already know what he’s thinking.
“I get to see you this way.”
Okay, I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I thought he was going to defend his friend.
“It’s always been you, ever since that day at lunch when I felt how soft your hair was. I stayed in Bailey Cove because I lived through the aftermath of your departure. He vowed he would hunt you down, so I stayed to make sure that when he did, you would be okay.”
“Ryder…”
He closes the space between us and strokes his thumb across my cheek. The action is so sweet, I lean into him, and then he’s backing away.
“Stay, fight him, and you’ll be free of him. I promise.”
He can’t make such promises, not when it comes to Huxley.
“I don’t want my son knowing the truth.”
“No, you don’t want him hating you for lying to him. You must’ve known he would find you eventually.”
“After so long, once I had Conner, I felt safe enough to live a normal life. We were a family.”
His jaw ticks at the mention of my late husband.
I’ve had enough of this. He isn’t going to help us.
“Please, take me to my son.”
I go to walk to their car, not caring what happens to the one Huxley bought for us. My son is in their car, and that’s where I’ll be. Ryder’s hand shoots out and grabs my arm, stopping me from walking away.
“As long as you know I have to take you back to him.”
“Even though you don’t want to?”
He nods once.
“Even though I don’t want to?”
Benjamin drives us back to the Bailey mansion, and Ryder stays in the car while Tobias and I climb out.
“Tobias, Trenton is in the office with his dad. Come on, I’ll show you where to go.”
Now that we’re back, my son looks to me before taking a step toward the house.
“It’s fine. I’ll be in in a moment.”
Once he’s following Benjamin into the house, I turn back to Ryder, who’s now sitting behind the wheel.
“Do you remember the day I came to school sick and Huxley asked me out on our first date?”
He thinks for a second and nods. “Yeah, why?”
“The beach was real, wasn’t it? He drugged me that night, didn’t he?”
“Yes. He wanted to be inside your head, thinking about him as much as possible. He didn’t even plan to do anything while you were out, he just wanted to see if he could do anything to you and get away with it. He liked to play games, you know that, and you also know that made you his favourite opponent.”
“You always told me to fight him, fight for myself, but maybe if you’d fought for me, it would’ve been me and you all those years ago. No one wins against Huxley, you know that as much as I do.”
I turn my back on him, and I hear him slam his foot on the accelerator as the car speeds away.
I knew that night at the beach wasn’t a dream. No dream, as vivid as some can be, is that real. Which means, Huxley stole my first kiss and pretended it never happened. What else happened that night? My stomach flips at the thought as I push through the front door.
My feet take me to his office, but my heart is on the bus travelling anywhere but here. Tobias has put the iPad down and is playing with Trenton on the floor with his cars and trucks. They look expensive.
Their father shoots daggers at me as he finishes his phone call.
“Watch the boys,” he orders Benjamin as he slams the phone down on the table.
He storms over, grabs me by the arm, and marches me up to our old room, not loosening his grip on me. Once we’re through the door, he shoves me into the middle of the room and kicks the door closed.
“What did I do that was so bad for you to keep fucking me over?” His jaw tenses as he runs his fingers through his hair.
“Are you serious?”
“I loved you! I gave you everything!” he yells at me.
“You didn’t love me, you controlled me. You hit me!” I snap back at him, feeling good for saying it to his face. It was so long ago, but I can still feel the sting of it.
“That was one time, and I said I was sorry,” he huffs, like it was nothing, which to him, it wasn’t.
“I did fucking love you! I loved you so much, I spent nine years trying to find you!” he roars, making me step back.
He slams his fist into his head, over and over, and for a reason I don’t understand, I rush forward to stop him from hurting himself. This isn’t the first time I’ve stopped him from doing this. He used to say it was better for him to do this than to hit me, like I was supposed to be grateful. It only confused me, and I didn’t like it.
“Stop that,” I admonish him, like I would do to Tobias.
“It’s better than hitting you,” he snarls, and I go cold as he voices my thoughts. “I should’ve left you in the gutter where Ry told me to. You made me love you. You made me believe you needed me, and then you broke me.”
His hand creeps around the back of my neck, and he pulls me so close to him, I can feel his heart beating against my chest.
He buries his nose in my hair and inhales deeply. For a moment so brief, I wonder why it’s relaxing him, and then I remember I used my old shampoo and body wash in the shower this morning.
Oh no. This isn’t good. The last thing I need is him latching onto me for comfort again.
“Tonight, we’ll have dinner, and we’ll tell Tobias the news together. I’m done waiting, and I’m sick of worrying that you’re going to take him away from me again.”
“Hux, please,” I beg, pushing out of his weird version of a hug. “Don’t do this to him. It’s too soon after Conner.”
“That’s your problem, not mine.”
He drops his hand from my neck and starts to walk to the door.
&nb
sp; “Dinner is at six-thirty. Wear the blue dress hanging in the wardrobe. You know I love that colour on you.”
My world is spinning. I would walk over fire for Tobias. As sick as it leaves me, I would endure anything Huxley could throw my way.
“Please, he needs more time. I’ll do anything. I won’t try to leave again, I promise.”
“Anything?”
For my son, to keep his world from exploding around him, I say, “Yes, anything.”
A slow, cold, deadly smile spreads across his face and I tremble. I should have seen this coming.
“Come to my room after Tobias falls asleep tonight.”
He opens the door and walks out before I can argue, and I fall back and sit on the bed.
I’m not his Bug anymore.
I’m strong. And to show him this, I’ll start by choosing the black dress to wear. He always said he hated me in black.
I wore the black dress, and the satisfaction of Huxley biting down on his tongue filled me with such joy, I nearly squealed in delight. I sat across from him at the dinner table, holding my head high and my shoulders back.
His days of telling me what to wear because he likes it so are long over. But, as I walk through the halls to his room in my robe, I pull the belt tighter, even though you can’t see any skin thanks to my flannel pyjamas. I’ve even kept my socks on, and I can’t stand sleeping in my socks.
His door is slightly ajar when I stop and knock three times as quietly as I can. There’s no answer, so I push the door fully open to find the room empty, and in complete darkness.
The clean and minimal style doesn’t surprise me. I used to think he liked the minimalistic fashion, but now I just think he likes it because it’s as cold and void of personality as he is.
He wanted me here, so I stay and wander around the room. There isn’t much to look at, which makes me wonder where his walk-in wardrobe is. He’s Huxley Bailey-Vaughan, his wardrobe is probably the size of most people’s houses.
“I miss my mommy.”
I spin around at the intrusive voice filling the dark space, and I see a monitor on the nightstand.
It has a small screen on it, and I can make out Huxley lying next to Trenton in his room. The little boy is cuddled up to him, and for a moment—a very small moment—I soften at how close he is to him. Then suddenly, my anger returns, and I grip the monitor tighter.
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