Have I been asleep? I have no idea. The door creaks open and whoever it is, their face is hidden behind a white box wrapped with sliver ribbon and a huge bow.
“A gift from your husband-to-be.”
The voice has me slipping out of bed and into my robe before the box lowers. I pull my hair out of its ponytail and cover as much of my face as possible.
“I thought I’d bring it to you. It’ll give me a chance to talk to you,” Ryder says, placing the bloody box on the dresser.
I don’t catch the moment he decides to walk over or reach out to lift my chin. Flinching, I step back.
“What’s going on, Ally?”
“Nothing. You can go now.”
“I’m not going anywhere. What are you hiding?”
Under my lashes, I see him ready to sweep my hair away, and I dart around him and head into the bathroom. Before I can close the door, his foot blocks the threshold and he pushes his way in. I back up to the far wall, and I’m grateful when he keeps his distance.
“You said you had a plan, I want to know what it is,” I say, hating the wobble in my tone.
“Not until you tell me what’s happened,” he responds.
My lips move, my mouth opens and closes, but nothing comes out. I’m careful to keep my eyes on him and his movements. As slow as they are, it’s clear he’s trying to get closer to me.
“You told me to fight him, that one day this will all be over,” I say, another fucking tear betraying me. “Guess what? I was stupid enough to believe you.”
“What did he do?”
If he wants to know, he can see it for himself.
I push away from the wall and undo my belt. The robe slips off my shoulders and drops to the floor. Pain courses through my body as I wiggle out of my pyjama bottoms, and they, too, drop to the floor.
He hisses as he falls to his knees, as if being eye level will give him a different view.
“Is this… Did he…?”
“Last night, your best friend, the man you told me to fight, took from me in a way that I will never forget. I never needed you to rescue me, Ry, but my belief in you was all I had most days.”
A hardness comes over him as he rises, bringing my bottoms up with him. He leans down and picks my robe up and slides it back on, all done without so much as grazing me.
“As for my plan, you don’t need to know it now, as things have changed. Get showered, wash that fucking monster’s touch off you, and put your dress on. Go about today like last night didn’t happen.”
A gasp escapes me. He can’t be serious. He can’t expect me to marry him after this!
“I’m not marrying him,” I say strongly, adamant it’s not happening.
“No, you’re definitely not fucking marrying him, but you are going to your wedding.” Shaking my head, he doesn’t continue, leaving me to stutter, “I-I don’t understand.”
“Go about today as you would have before he…” He looks away and mashes his lips together. “Just promise me you’ll listen to everything I have to say once this is all over.”
“Ryder,” I grate out through gritted teeth. I’m losing what little patience I still have.
“Do what you have to do to get yourself down that aisle.” He leans in and presses his lips to my cheek. “I need him at the altar.”
“Tell me,” I urge him.
“I can’t, and it’s not to protect you because I know you’re strong enough to hear it. I won’t put you in a position that could get you into trouble.”
“I’m not sure I trust you anymore, Ryder. I have no one.”
“No, no, no. You have me, and I’m about the only one you can trust to put you first and keep you from him. I promise you; this ends today. Just go through the motions until it becomes obvious. You’ll know, I promise.”
“You’re being too cryptic. I need details.”
“No, you don’t, and it’s for the best.”
And that’s that. He pulls away and walks out, leaving me alone with my bruises. I’m not getting married, but I have to go through with the wedding. How does that even work?
Staring at my reflection in the grand mirror, the woman staring back at me is a perfect blend of pain and broken strength. Rose taps on the door and pokes her head through the small opening, interrupting my trail of thought of how it came to this. How this time yesterday, my will was all I had, and now I’m stuck in this limbo of confusion and nothingness.
“It’s time.”
Time for what, though? Ryder is keeping every card to his chest, when all I needed was a sneak peek.
My father didn’t offer to walk me down the aisle. No one did. A wave of depression engulfs me as I collect the bottom of my dress to walk down the stairs, alone. Someone playing the harp plucks at the strings, and the scent of fresh roses fill my nose. I’m about to walk into the unknown, and I’ve never been so scared in my life. My aching feet are clad in designer heels, my bruised body is covered in silk and lace, and the bouquet of white roses hides the invisible hole in my stomach.
Guests stand as I begin my walk to the only man I will truly hate without an inch of regret or compassion. Their smiles torment me, their oohs and ahhs grate on my ears. The women holding their hands to their chests at my beauty, why can’t they reach out to help me? As a woman, can they not see the truth that’s hidden behind my smile? It’s clear as day in my eyes. My parents. Why are they standing here believing this charade? Tobias stands proudly next to Huxley, and the sight of him next to his father hurts more than anything I’ve endured here.
Beside him, Ryder stands tall in his tuxedo, with his hair swept perfectly back from his eyes and a smile on his face. He knows what his friend did to me, yet he’s standing there like a proud groomsman. He made me promise to walk down this aisle, and for what? A plan I know nothing about.
“You look perfect.” Huxley grins, stepping toward me. “And even better underneath with my marks all over you,” he adds under his breath.
My eyes briefly connect with Ryder’s over Huxley’s shoulder, and I’m the first to look away. He asked me to trust him, but I don’t. He hasn’t given me anything to trust in, and that smile on his lips fuels the inferno scorching in my heart.
“We are gathered here today to…”
I can’t hear this. I watch the registrar’s mouth move, but I don’t hear the words that are about to tie me to Huxley for the rest of my life. I had a plan, I had focus, and for the life of me, I can’t remember any of it. My name is Allison Miller. I was born and raised in Bailey Cove to Fred and Helen Miller. I fell in love with the wrong boy, and now I’m having to spend the rest of my life paying for it.
As the registrar continues this shit show, I peek behind Huxley to his line of groomsman, and find Trenton standing there proudly, with his chest puffed out and his chin held high. Tobias is beside him, fiddling with the shirt buttons around his neck. And me, I can’t believe I’m here when there was a time I would have rather died than endure this.
* * *
THE PAST
This is my forty-fifth dinner with Regina and the Pristine Posse: Helena, Julie and Meg. The four of them are the witches of Bailey Cove. Regina, being from the family who owns the town, and the other three hanging on for status and power.
I’m expected to wine and dine with them and learn how to be a lady and do all the things Regina and her posse do.
Tonight they’re discussing an upcoming charity event to raise money for the lifeguard station.
With my hair pulled tightly and smoothly into a ponytail, I’d rather pluck it out strand by strand than sit here and listen to the poison they mask with good deeds for the town. I nod at the right times, I smile at the right people, and mostly, I sit here and look pretty, as Regina would tell Huxley on the phone. She doesn’t know I heard her one time, but I did, and ever since, I’ve been wary of her.
“Allison, you must miss Huxley dreadfully.” Julie, the nicest witch of them all, addresses me.
“Of course.”
I smile and leave it at that.
“When is he due back? My Dash is already home for the summer. Ryder came back with him too. The boys, all back together. Well, when Craig returns too.”
I’m about to tell her I have no idea when he’ll grace me with his presence when Regina speaks for me, as she normally does.
“I have it on good authority that he’s late home because he’s stopped over in the city to look for a certain special ring.”
It takes a moment, and then, bam!
She’s talking about an engagement ring.
Huxley hasn’t said anything about marriage in a long time. I assumed college was overriding his earlier plans of getting married. He’s been busy with his work and making sure I’m not doing anything that he would have to worry about. I had hoped he’d forgotten he wants to marry me altogether.
Helena squeals in delight, and Regina looks the ever-proud mother, and apparently, the soon to be mother-in-law. Dizziness assaults me, and I can barely hear their squeals of excitement.
“Knowing Huxley, he’ll propose in such a romantic way. He loves you so much, Allison. You are one lucky girl.”
I begin to get a cramp in the corner of my mouth from forcing a smile for too long, and I hang my head to enjoy the reprieve for a moment.
“The Cove would be perfect for a summer wedding,” Julie advises.
“Don’t be silly. They’d be married at the Bailey mansion. It would be perfect, keeping it in the family, generation after generation,” Meg chirps.
They’re all discussing a possible wedding like I’m not sitting here, and I need to vomit, preferably all over their dinners. That would make me feel better to see the disgust on their overly done faces.
“Please, excuse me. I’ll be back in a moment.”
“The news has caught her off-guard. Bless her.”
I can’t listen to them a second longer. I walk in the direction of the bathrooms, but I continue on, walking toward the exit door.
The fresh air does nothing to help me. If anything, it’s stifling, and I choke on the muggy air. I hail the nearest cab and jump in before anyone notices I’m not coming back to the table. Halfway to the Bailey mansion, my phone rings in my clutch purse, and I ignore it. He better not be buying a ring. I don’t want to say yes, and if he goes to the trouble of proposing and goes down on one knee, he won’t take no for an answer. His bloody mother won’t take no for an answer. We’ve been together for five years now, and if I could run, I would. God knows I’ve tried. Four times to be exact. The first time he found me at my parents’ and talked me around until he had me telling him I loved him, and somehow, I felt bad for hurting him. The second time, I went to a hotel instead of my parents’, thinking he wouldn’t find me, but he did. He talked me around again and off I went, back to the Bailey mansion. By the third time, he had lost patience and used threats to keep me with him. My last attempt left me believing he was all I could have, that I should be grateful that he loved me at all.
Huxley forever tells me I don’t need to carry cash because his family owns most of the town, that our money means nothing there, but I always carry my secret stash of cash in the back pocket of my purse.
I throw the few bills at the driver when he pulls up to the house and throw open the door. I need to get past the maids and anyone who will inform Regina or Huxley I’m home to get to my room. I no longer refer to it as Huxley’s room, as I’ve been living here far too long not to call somewhere my own.
I slam the door closed behind me and slip out of my heels, throwing my purse to the floor. It lands on the soft carpet with a thud, and then pierces the air with the shrill ringtone.
I shut myself in the bathroom and turn the water on in the new clawfoot tub Regina had installed last month when she refurbished every bathroom in the house.
I slip out of my dinner dress and shove my underwear down my legs.
Unclasping my bra, it follows the rest of my clothes on the floor, and I sit in the tub. The water has barely risen, but I don’t care.
I can’t marry Huxley. There’s no way I can walk down the aisle to him waiting for me. His shaving set Regina bought for him last Christmas hangs at the end of the tub, so I slide across and reach for it. Inside, I grab the razor and drop the rest to the floor. The handle shines bright under the sharp bathroom lights, and the blade looks as sharp as the cheese wire I saw the caterer use last week. It’s so simple. I know what I must do.
Sliding the blade out of the golden handle, its sharp edge gleams under the light. There’s no escape from Huxley, or his mother, or this town, who are rooting for us to be happily married.
His love for me is toxic; it’s not healthy for either of us. I think he’s become too used to me, and now he’s already built his life around me when we should both be out in the world, exploring ourselves and others around us.
He needs to be free of me, and me of him. One quick slash across my left wrist, then one across my right, and the blade falls into the water.
The blood doesn’t appear at first, and then it pumps from me. The water rises above my thighs and it quickly turns red.
It strikes me how peaceful this is. There’s a little pain, but nothing the water doesn’t dull. Closing my eyes, a happiness envelopes me like I haven’t felt in a long while, until pounding at the door interrupts me. The act is already done. There’s no stopping it now. The water darkens, and my head falls to the side. A numbness takes hold of me, the pounding becoming background noise. I think it’s Ryder I hear yelling through the door, but I don’t care anymore.
“I can hear the water running. If you don’t open the door, I’ll kick it in,” he threatens. “Huxley wants to know why you’re not answering the phone.”
Because I’m trying to die.
More banging disrupts my float to heaven, and then a crash from somewhere in the distance.
“Allison!” Someone else’s terror penetrates through the haze, and I find it funny. No one cares when I’m scared. “What the fuck, Ally?” Trying to open my eyes is hard. They open momentarily, and Ryder is hovering over the edge of the tub, turning the taps off.
“I can’t do this anymore. Did you know he’s planning to propose?”
“No, I didn’t, but you said you’d fight. You promised.”
If I could, I would laugh. That promise was made a long time ago, and a lot has happened since.
“How long do you think I can be that strong?”
Ryder is as exhausting as Huxley. I’m not strong enough, nor do I have the inclination to keep thinking there’s something between us that’s always left unsaid. It’s tiring always second-guessing and waiting around for him. It’s time I make decisions for myself.
“I wanted you that day in the school cafeteria.”
“You still want me, babe, it’s just real fucked up at the moment.”
“Let me go.”
“Like fuck,” he growls, and jumps into the tub with me. Reaching over the edge, he grabs a washcloth and ties it around my wrist like a bandage, doing the same to the other.
“Why?” he murmurs, but I can’t answer him.
A sharp stinging hits my cheek and my eyes fly open. I’m in the passenger seat of his car.
It’s moving way too fast, and then I crash out again. I’m so cold, but warmth spreads across my hand. Opening my eyes, I’m in the hospital, and Ryder has my hand clasped in his as he strokes his thumb in small circles over my palm.
“He won’t like you touching me,” I whisper, gutted that I’m still here.
“Right now, I don’t care.”
He presses his lips to my palm, and I savour the feel of his mouth on my skin.
“I won’t marry him, Ryder.”
“Please don’t try that again. They’ve fixed you up good, and they said you didn’t lose too much blood. You’ve been out for a while, and you’re going to be foggy for a bit,” he says, ignoring my vow.
I don’t feel anything. My wrists are covered in stark white bandaging, and
I’m so, so tired.
“One day I’m going to run.”
“You know he’ll chase you.”
“Yeah, but I’ll never let him catch me. Will you stop me?”
He looks sad, but I don’t care anymore. I’m going to do it for myself, and I’ll learn from my previous attempts. I’m going to leave town, as far away as I can and never stop. A lifetime running is worth much more to me than being with Huxley for the rest of my days.
“No.” He looks at the door, and then back to me. “You should know I called Huxley, and he’s on his way. So is Regina.”
In fact, it’s not five minutes that Regina struts through the door, and she’s seething. Dinner feels like so long ago.
“What have you done, you silly girl,” she hisses, then looks to Ryder. “Thank the Lord you found her, Ryder. I’m sure Huxley will show you his gratitude.”
Ryder stands and nods before escaping. He looks back once before he closes the door and I sigh. Huxley has drained me of everything I thought I was, of who I wanted to be. But Ryder, he was the one I deep down thought would be there at the end. Today is my last goodbye to him, and I’m glad I didn’t have to say it to his face.
She takes Ryder’s seat and pulls it closer to the bed.
“Why, Allison? You were perfectly normal at dinner. I have no idea what we’re going to tell people…and what about my son? How do you think this would’ve affected him if you succeeded in killing yourself?”
Again, if I had the energy to laugh, I would. It’s always about Huxley. I’m lying in this hospital bed because I tried to kill myself, yet all she’s worried about is how it would hurt her son.
“Leave her alone, Mother.”
We both look, and Huxley himself fills the doorway. He looks tired. His shirt is crumpled, and I know he’ll hate everyone seeing him this dishevelled.
“In fact, leave us. I want to talk to Allison alone.”
Regina, as ever, does as she’s told, and picks up her purse from the floor by her feet.
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