by Michael Karp
While much of this information comes from Ian Kerner’s book, as always, I will be sprinkling in my own experience as well.
Remember how we broke fellatio up into two types – as the sexual activity in and of itself and as a precursor to sex? When performing cunnilingus, we don’t have to do that. The same techniques apply either way because a longer refractory period is less likely to occur.
In fact, with most people that have vaginas, it becomes easier for them to have subsequent orgasms once they have had their first one.
The easiest way to describe cunnilingus is to break it up into phases.
Phase #1 – Teasing and Coaxing
First, tease your partner and coax their genitals into being ready for more consistent stimulation.
As with fellatio, start by kissing down their body towards their crotch area. Inch down slowly, as your partner’s mind starts to revel in what’s to come.
Kiss in a big circle around their genitals – the lower part of the belly, hips, and inner thighs. Run your fingers along their inner thighs, stopping just before you get to their vulva.
As you continue kissing, make smaller and smaller circles, inching closer to the area they are dying for you to reach. Their cauldron is burning hot now, but they are going to have to wait a little longer for relief.
As you get close to the outer lips, place yourself in a comfortable position that you can sustain. Try lying on your stomach with your head in between your partner’s thighs. To reduce strain on your neck, place a pillow under their butt to lift up their pelvis. You can also ask your partner to move to the edge of the bed while you kneel on the floor.
Another cool trick is to periodically rest your head on one of their thighs as you lick them. This provides rest/recovery for you (if you need it) and a different angle for them.
Direct Stimulation-
When you are ready to directly stimulate their vulva (outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, vaginal entrance), start by kissing around the outer lips. Make your partner crave your tongue even more by holding off slightly longer.
At this point, it’s a good idea to add some extra moisture to the area. Let saliva fall from your mouth to the top of their vulva. Let it slowly trail down towards the vaginal entrance. Often, your partner won’t know it’s coming, and will gasp with the sudden feeling of cold wet liquid. This is a good thing.
As your partner should be warmed up now, it’s time for the first lick.
Start at the very bottom of their vulva, and lightly graze its expanse all the way up just before touching the clitoris, but do not make contact. You’re saving that for later.
Do this about five more times, pausing for a few seconds between each lick. This is the epitome of building up the sexual tension we’ve been harping on.
When you’re ready, use your tongue to part their outer lips and expose the inner labia. There is a high density of nerve endings in this area, but you don’t want to stimulate them just yet. Lick between the inner and outer lips, continuing to tease and coax.
You can stop every once in a while, kiss around their vulva again, let saliva fall from your mouth onto their vulva, and resume licking between the inner and outer lips.
After a short while, you should both be ready for phase two.
Phase #2 – The Buildup
This is when stimulation becomes more consistent. You are going to build up the tension so much that it will only take a bit of persistent effort to release it.
You have been licking between the inner and outer lips, with the vaginal entrance exposed. There is an area of tissue just above the vaginal entrance and below the clitoris. This area is pleasure-packed with nerve endings, and often one of the best places to focus on when bringing your partner to orgasm. However, we’ve jumped the gun a little bit, so hold that thought for a moment.
Start from the bottom of the vaginal entrance, just above the perineum. Lick all the way up to the area just below the clitoris, gliding over the sensitive area above the vaginal entrance. Stop here. Do not make contact with the clitoris just yet. Repeat this five times or so.
After one round, lick all the way up, but this time make contact with the clitoris and hold the tip of your tongue there for a moment. Your partner has been waiting for this, and may shudder with pleasure at the sudden contact. This is also a good thing.
Repeat this cycle as many times as you like for 10 minutes or so. You want to get the most sensitive areas of your partner’s vulva accustomed to consistent stimulation.
You’re also coaxing the clitoris, the epicenter of pleasure, out from hiding under the clitoral hood.
Direct stimulation of the clitoris-
Once their clitoris becomes accustomed to the touch of your tongue, you can start applying more direct stimulation.
Start with sideways licks horizontally across the clitoris. Go about a quarter of an inch to each side, grazing the clitoris as your tongue passes over. At this point, it’s important to pay attention to how your partner reacts to the pressure you apply.
Possible signs that you should release the pressure:
Your partner gasps abruptly and holds their breath.
Your partner digs their nails into your hands, arms, or bed sheets.
Your partner tells you that it’s too much.
Of course, these are only guidelines. Sometimes these reactions mean you’re doing the right thing. Only by experimenting will you truly know.
Try lessening your pressure, notice how they react, then judge whether you should apply more or less pressure. Everyone feels pleasure differently. It’s your mission to find out how your partner feels it best.
After doing sideways licks for a few minutes, switch to vertical licks up and down the clitoris. Extend your licks all the up to the clitoral shaft (the area just above the clitoris) and back down to the sensitive area of tissue below the clitoris.
You don’t need to go too fast. One side-effect of watching porn is thinking that you need to keep your face an inch and a half away from the vulva and lick as fast as possible. This is for the camera man to get a good angle. It is NOT optimized for pleasure and should not be modeled off of (I know this because I made this mistake, among others that I “learned” from porn).
It’s actually best to make as much contact as possible with your lips and tongue. Use your saliva as constant moisture, and place your lips over the vulva as you lick, pursing them like you’ve just bitten into a piece of fruit. This provides extra stimulation for your partner, and takes excess strain off your face and neck muscles.
As you are stimulating the clitoris with your lips around it, trying sucking the clitoris and the surrounding area into your mouth and continue licking. Don’t worry, it may be sensitive, but it is a strong organ.
The hard feeling of your teeth and sucking pressure on the area around her clitoris provides a lot of pleasure. Combined with horizontal and vertical licks, and moisture from your saliva, you may have just hit the cunnilingus jackpot.
Whenever you feel like the clitoris is starting to become overly stimulated, revert back to repeatedly licking the entire vulva from bottom to top.
You can also try massaging the perineum (the area of skin between the vulva and anus) any time during cunnilingus. Massaging or licking the anus can also give their clitoris a pleasurable break (as long as your partner is comfortable with it).
Finger stimulation-
Another tip is to insert one or two fingers into the vagina as you lick their clitoris. For some, this feels great and enhances the pleasure. For others, it either doesn’t provide any added pleasure or actually lessens it.
Go ahead and try it and see how your partner reacts. Afterwards, ask them if they liked it and if they want you to do it in the future.
Don’t just insert your fingers any old way and leave them there. Insert them with a purpose. You can angle them up to the G-Spot (2 inches inside, on the roof of the vagina). You can also insert your fingers and spread them apart, simulating the feeling
of being full your partner gets from penetration.
You can also go in and out, stimulating the entrance and inner part of the vagina as you lick the area around their clitoris. Inserting your thumb may also work to provide your partner the feeling of being full if angling two fingers is too much for them or uncomfortable for you. This is a great opportunity to massage the perineum (area below the vulva) as well.
At this point, the sexual tension should be building up immensely. Some partners will remain in this phase for some time before being ready to continue on to the final phase, and that’s fine.
The time it takes to reach orgasm differs for everyone and under different circumstances, so be supportive, be patient, and do your best to pleasure them (as they should do for you).
Phase #3 – The Release
It’s time for the grand finale. Let’s release your partner of the tension you’ve built up over the past two phases.
The clitoris is going to be the main focus of your attention, but you can also expand your reach to the clitoral network as a whole, which you will see soon enough.
Start this phase with consistent licks over the clitoris, switching between horizontal and vertical every so often. When licking horizontal, go about a quarter of an inch to each side. When licking vertical, go up to the clitoral shaft and down to the soft tissue below the clitoris. Keep your lips pursed around the area of the clitoris, sucking in every once in a while.
That is your main focus right there. The clitoris is the ultimate vehicle to get your partner over the pleasure hill to orgasmic release. However, the only reason this is possible is because you spent that time building up sexual tension and arousal. (That’s why it isn’t wise to skip everything you just did and head straight here, however tempting it may be.)
By now, hopefully you have gained a feel for how sensitive your partner’s clitoris is and how much stimulation it can handle. If their clitoris is too sensitive for constant stimulation, focus your licks on the sensitive tissue a few centimeters below the clitoris, making contact with the clitoris every so often.
Sometimes, even if your partner’s clitoris isn’t too sensitive, this is still the area you want to focus on, so give it a try either way and see how your partner reacts.
As your partner gets closer and closer to orgasm, you simply have to find the final licking sequence to get them there. From here, you have two options, and they will seem contradictory but both work to get the same result.
Increase the speed and intensity of your licks, focusing all of your pressure on either the clitoris or the area below the clitoris.
Decrease the speed entirely. Keep licking lightly, and perform a forceful lick every 10-15 seconds.
I know. Sounds like I’m bullshitting right? I’m not.
Depending on your partner, their sweet spot may fall somewhere near these two extremes.
The good news is: All you have to do is try out both extremes and see which one works best. Then you have found your moneymaker.
Once you’ve found it, keep going and don’t let up. Your tongue may be tired. Your face muscles may be cramping. But don’t stop – for the sake of your partner’s pleasure. Keep going until you feel their body reach orgasmic release.
Utilizing the clitoral network-
You just brought your partner to orgasm simply through one part of the clitoral network: The clitoris. Now let’s see how you can incorporate other parts of it.
As you are following the above steps, insert one or two fingers into their vagina and stimulate the G-Spot as well. Either massage it while keeping your fingers inside, or move them in and out, putting pressure on the G-Spot whenever your fingers are inserted far enough.
While keeping your fingers of one hand in, you can also reach around and place your other hand on top of their belly and pelvic area, just above where the G-Spot rests. Apply pressure to this area. This will further stimulate that cluster of nerve endings.
Again with the fingers, you can try inserting them inside in the shape of a “peace sign” and angling them downwards. There are two parts of the clitoral network that run down the sides of the vagina from the clitoris itself, called the clitoral crura. By angling your fingers this way, you will stimulate this area in addition to licking the clitoris, satisfying a larger portion of the clitoral network.
Concluding Cunnilingus and Oral Sex
Cunnilingus is about coaxing your partner through their sexual response cycle (Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, and Resolution).
With cunnilingus (and any aspect of sex), the best way to find out what worked and what didn’t is to ask your partner afterwards. You’ll know whether you stimulated the clitoris too much, whether putting your fingers inside felt amazing or not, what you could have done to make them orgasm harder, etc.
And even if you don’t have one or the other of the above body parts, understanding how to pleasure yourself is the best way to help your partner pleasure you. If you skipped over either of the above sections for this reason, I urge you to go back and read them. You may discover a way to pleasure yourself you never knew before, and a way to help your partner take you to the highest heights of pleasure.
Who would want to miss out on that?
Not me. And I know lots of people who wouldn’t want to miss out on the next chapter, either.
Enjoying The Book?
If you’re enjoying The Guide to Great Sex, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
Head over to this page on Amazon.com (the review page for The Guide to Great Sex) and leave an honest review.
If you don’t know what to write, you could include 1) what you like about the book, 2) what you would improve, and 3) which people you think would benefit from this book.
This will help other people decide whether or not it’s right for them, and help me understand what people like and how I can improve the book.
Thanks!
- Michael
Chapter 6
ANAL SEX
I wouldn’t be surprised if many readers have skipped everything above and headed straight here.
(You naughty dog, you.)
Anal sex is a hot topic, and rightly so. We’re only just beginning to enter an era where this aspect of sex is becoming commonplace for everyone, no matter their sexual orientation.
However, this means there is still a lot of misinformation and misconception out there, which I will try to clear up as much as possible in this chapter.
I’m going to break this up by discussing the science and biology behind anal sex first. Then I’ll get into some best practices.
I know Wikipedia isn’t exactly a credible source, but I have done my research and haven’t found anything more comprehensive than their page. I compiled most of the following biological information using Wikipedia as a guide, and have not included anything that I haven’t read elsewhere before.
Why Anal Sex Can Be Pleasurable – The Biology of Our Butts
The keyword here is “can.” The fact of the matter is, it’s pleasurable for some people and for others it just hurts.
But there are biological and mental reasons why it’s pleasurable for many people, and there are things you can do to make anal play more pleasurable (I’ll be using “anal play” as a general term that encompasses all sexual activity involving the anus).
First off, the outer part of the anus (the visible area), two sphincter muscles, and the rectum, are all made of soft tissue that’s filled with pleasure-inducing nerve endings, just like the ones in other sexual organs.
Two muscles control the opening and closing of the anus: The external sphincter and the internal sphincter. Exercising control over these two muscles is a big determinant in whether any type of anal play, whether it be intercourse, toys, fingering, etc., is pleasurable or not.
The outer two thirds of the anus can be sensitive to stimulation, and as you go further in, it becomes less sensitive to gentle touch, but more responsive to pressure.
For those with penises, the main
biological reason why anal play can be pleasurable involves the prostate. Anal stimulation of the prostate can be very pleasurable, because it’s similar to the nerve ending cluster of the G-Spot.
Stimulation of this area can produce more intense orgasms than penile stimulation, causing involuntary body movements like the ones that can be produced from G-Spot orgasms. It can also produce deeper, longer lasting orgasms than penile stimulation alone. In order to stimulate the prostate, angle the inserted object diagonally towards the belly button.
For those with vaginas, several biological reasons exist as to why anal play can be pleasurable. First, anal stimulation is said to be connected to stimulation of the clitoral network. Remember the vaginal crura? If not, they are the two parts of the clitoral network that run down the inner part of the vagina, stemming from the clitoris itself (we used the “peace sign” technique to stimulate these during cunnilingus). These can be indirectly stimulated through anal play.
The G-Spot can also be stimulated through anal sex, as the vaginal and rectal cavities are quite close to each other. Angled correctly in certain instances, anal stimulation this way can produce G-Spot orgasms. Manually stimulating the G-Spot, clitoris, and vulva while having anal sex can also make anal play more pleasurable.
In all body types, anal play can produce enjoyable sensations through stimulation of the pudendal nerve. This nerve indirectly connects to the perineal nerve, which is located in the perineum and connects to either the dorsal nerve of the penis or the dorsal nerve of the clitoris, indirectly stimulating both types of genitals.
Best Practices for Safe Anal Play
This must be stated first: For those partaking in penis-to-anus anal sex, unprotected anal sex in this way leaves both partners more vulnerable to STIs than any other type of sex. Why? There are several reasons:
The tissues in the anus and rectum are relatively thin and the anus doesn’t produce its own lubrication. This causes tissue breakage to happen more often. This breakage provides a pathway for harmful bacteria and viruses to pass through and enter the bloodstream. Toys are not invincible. They can carry bacteria and viruses on them, as well, if not cleaned properly.