by Michael Karp
You are naturally submissive, but at this moment in time, all you want to do is dominate them.
You have never told your partner how you want to be touched before, but you’ve suddenly got this unrelenting urge to be touched a certain way, so you whisper it in their ear and make it happen.
These fantasies and fetishes act like little mysteries of the subconscious. Clues pop up all around until in one instant the solution reveals itself and the mystery is solved.
It’s an interesting area of sexuality to navigate. There are tons of fantasies and fetishes to choose from (well, I guess in most cases, it’s not really a choice). Just go to a porn site and look at the categories. Almost every one of them is a different fantasy or fetish.
I have provided a list of these fantasies and fetishes to show you what is available, and to possibly help you realize that the ones you hold, the ones you feel the most uncomfortable about, are actually quite normal to have.
I would assume that you are certainly not the only one in the world that has this fetish. But if you are, good for you! You can be a trendsetter. There is really no reason to be ashamed of these fantasies.
If you are with a person you trust and who trusts you back, if you have solid communication going on, and if you have become more and more comfortable discussing your sex life and have shared sexual experiences, you should be in a more than ideal environment to express these desires.
Here is a list of some of the more prominent sexual fantasies and fetishes I could find. Just going through this list might unlock something for you.
Anal sex
Anal play
Bondage
BDSM (Bondage and Sadomasochism)
Pretending you’re strangers meeting each other and going home together
Teacher and student
Prisoner and prison guard
Doctor and patient
Nurse and patient
Maid or house cleaner
Having sex with a coworker
Having sex with someone you have just met
Having sex with someone older than you
Having sex with someone younger than you (of legal age, of course)
Having sex with multiple people at the same time
Being completely submissive
Being completely dominant
Striptease
MILFs
Watching other people have sex
Squirting
Having sex on an airplane
Orgies
Voyeur (being watched while having sex)
Different nationalities
Sexy lingerie
Gangbang
Masturbation
Being sexual with someone that wouldn’t constitute a part of your chosen sexual orientation
Using toys
Filming each other
Anilingus
Footjobs and feet
Dressing up in school uniforms
Cheerleader fantasy
Playing cop and criminal
Hooking up with the delivery person
Having sex in public
Being spanked
Thrusting into your partner’s mouth
Golden shower (peeing)
Gagging
Femdom (feminine domination)
Fisting
Deepthroating
Talking dirty
Odds are, reading some of those may have made you feel uncomfortable. That’s alright, especially if you haven’t heard of them before.
Don’t be judgmental, of yourself or others. It’s next to impossible to control what we desire. If your partner expresses something to you that you don’t feel comfortable with, react tactfully. If you don’t, you could hurt them and tarnish all of the trust you have built together.
Talking About Sexual Fantasies and Fetishes
When discussing these things, use the same model we used in the previous chapter on communication.
You can sit down with your partner, write down all of the fantasies you have and would like to try, then trade papers and compare. It’s usually much easier to start out communicating this way than to jump straight into a conversation about it.
But if you’re comfortable enough, by all means, don’t shy away from having that conversation.
Chapter 16
OVERCOMING SEXUAL ANXIETY AND INSECURITY
Why You’re Not Alone In The Bedroom (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)
You may feel…
nervous right before having sex, wondering if your member is going to show up for the game today.
self-conscious about your body, constantly wondering what your partner is thinking.
worried that you won’t be able to give your partner an orgasm — yet again.
ashamed to tell your partner what you really want to do in bed.
But guess what?
So is someone else.
Sexual anxiety isn’t new and it isn’t unique. Most of us are affected or have been affected by some degree of sexual insecurity. It comes with being human. Sometimes it feels like it’s only you because those conversations are generally avoided, and not surprisingly so.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s embarrassing. You feel weird just imagining yourself telling someone about it. And you know what? It’s probably not your fault.
Whatever anxieties you have, what’s not okay is doing nothing about them.
Don’t hide from your anxieties. This can lead to worse feelings in the future. There’s a saying that goes something like, “What you repress only grows stronger.” If we flip that around, we can say, “What you express loses power over you.”
One of the best ways I’ve found to work through these anxieties and insecurities is to talk about them. I know that sounds like advice that’s given to everyone about everything that bothers people.
But I seriously believe that these specific anxieties are best handled externally. Talk about them with a close friend. Let them out of your mind and into the open where someone else can provide a new perspective for you.
Most importantly, talk about them with the person (or people) whom you’re experiencing them with – your partner(s). Let them know what’s bothering you so they can reassure and help you through it.
It will take some time and some mental effort to recognize insecure, anxious thoughts and work through them, to fully understand your value in the bedroom. But once that happens, you will have set yourself up for some exciting sexual adventures.
It’s also important to constantly remind yourself of the ultimate point of sex.
“Wait a minute, Michael. What’s the ultimate point of sex?”
This is an individualistic viewpoint, but disregarding procreation for a moment, this is what I think it is:
To have fun
To give and receive pleasure
To act out your desires
To express feelings, whether they are spontaneous or a result of veteran love
To have more fun
I call that the sexual fun sandwich.
Sexual Anxieties And How To Work Through Them
Let’s get into some specific anxieties and how to demolish their effects on your sex life.
First, I’m going to talk about general sexual anxieties, and then break them up into body part-specific ones. At the end of each description, I’ll include ways to work through them.
(This information is based off research and my own experience overcoming sexual anxieties.)
General Anxieties
Body Image, Especially In Bed-
It’s not uncommon for us to have insecurities about our physical appearance. Even if every inch of our body is perfect except for one, that one insecurity could weigh on our mind, especially in sexual situations where we feel the most vulnerable.
Think about it: Other than having sex, our most private areas are covered up the majority of the time we’re interacting with people. Any shame we may hold about them can be hidden behind our clothing.
A
s soon as the clothes come off, those parts of our bodies reach the surface. It can be uncomfortable and lead to thoughts that distract us from enjoying the experience. It can even become so debilitating that we refrain from having sex completely. In this way, we avoid exposing that vulnerability.
If you don’t experience any of this yourself, it’s important to recognize that other people do. Sometimes a simple, sincere, and genuine compliment about your partner’s body can be enough to squander those feelings.
Regardless, if you’re feeling anxious about your body, don’t rely on your partner to help you feel better. This may work in the short term, but it doesn’t lead to any lasting self-comfort.
Being comfortable with your body image is less about your physical appearance and more about being comfortable in your body no matter what it looks like.
When you accept your body for what it is, you relax more in sexual situations without worrying about what your partner is thinking of you. When your mind is relaxed, so is your body, leading to greater feelings of pleasure and a higher likelihood of reaching orgasm.
But with that said, working on your physical appearance can’t do any harm and will lead to benefits that extend far beyond your sex life.
Overcoming body image anxiety-
The Men’s and Women’s Health Big Book of Sex (I know it sounds like a “Birds and the Bees” type of children’s book, but it’s legitimate) compiles the knowledge of thousands of experts and a huge survey of Men’s/Women’s Health readers.
It’s based off hundreds of interviews with some of the most esteemed doctors and researchers in the world, and extensive work reviewing scholarly journals and studies.
Thousands of people responded to The Big Book of Sex survey, and contributors include the likes of professors, psychologists, anthropologists, directors of sexual and gender-specific health and wellness centers, relationship advisors, sexologists, sex researchers, and more.
It’s pretty comprehensive, and I’ll be citing it throughout this chapter.
However, The Big Book of Sex was published in 2011, so depending on when you’re reading this, it may not be up to date. The advice still holds but the statistics may have changed.
Also, the numbers should not be taken as representative of the entire population, but should be used to gain a general idea. Always use your own judgment when making decisions.
Three ways the book lists to improve body confidence:
Eat healthy food. Overall, your body will feel better and you’ll have more energy to devote to sexual activity. It also states that your psyche will benefit from taking control of your health.
Not to mention, healthy eating is far easier than many people claim it to be. Rather than calculating what you put into your body, start by cutting out what you don’t want in your body, i.e. fast food, candy, fried foods, sugary foods, etc. Build up a habit of eating healthily first and don’t pressure yourself to follow a strict plan.
Once the habit has developed and unhealthy food looks much less appetizing, then look into dietary options that will help you get to the body you want. It takes effort, physically and mentally, but it’s worthwhile. Your sex life will thank you, and so will your overall health.
Exercise. A no brainer for anyone, in my opinion. Exercise should be an integral part of everyone’s life. Simply putting in the work and seeing your first results will help your body image.
From there, the snowball effect will take over. If the gym isn’t your style, tons of other options exist. Go for hikes, play sports, ride your bike around the neighborhood. Some exercise is always better than none.
Take care of the little details. This involves the details of your appearance that by themselves are relatively unremarkable, but together make you feel much better about yourself. And they can be changed in an instant.
This means trimming beards, shaving legs, cutting nails, putting on nail polish, trimming ear and nose hair, brushing and flossing regularly, styling your hair, picking out eye boogers, trimming the fro-down-low; all the minute adjustments that can make you feel more attractive.
But that’s enough of the physical stuff. I always try to suggest internal ways of dealing with our issues, because the mind is where these issues are the strongest. If we can solve them at the source, it makes it much easier to handle them on the outside.
Realize that no one cares about how you look as much as you do.
I’m a huge culprit of this too, but sorry, none of us are that important that everyone who walks by is judging us. When you see someone and imagine them judging your body, they are most likely imagining you judging there’s as well, no matter how great they look.
When you are in bed with someone and you’re worrying about what your partner is thinking, realize they could be worrying about what you’re thinking as well. It’s two-sided.
So stop placing so much value on the appearance of you or your partner, and place more value on how you feel with each other, the passion of the sex, what moves you can try that you’ve never done before, how you can play around with the balance of dominance. These are just a few aspects of sex we have discussed so far that can make it so dynamic.
Poor body image can be a major struggle for many people in their sex lives, but it’s largely in our minds, and that’s good news. Recognizing those thoughts and consciously eliminating them, combined with living a healthy lifestyle, will leave you feeling more comfortable exposing your vulnerability and open the doors to sexual experiences you never dreamed you would have.
Not Being Able to Pleasure Your Partner Or Give Them An Orgasm-
For me, being able to pleasure my partner is a huge deal. If I wasn’t able to (and I’ve had partners where this was the case) I’d feel terrible about myself. You start questioning what you did wrong, if it’s your body, if you have no control over it, or if there’s something else you should have done.
The fact of the matter is: Everyone’s body is different. Some people orgasm easier than others. Some people feel more or less pleasure than others.
Often, whether you can pleasure them is less about you alone but rather about your compatibility together; physically, emotionally, and mentally.
It could also be your partner. If they’ve never had an orgasm before or they’ve only had a few, then their body may not recognize how to progress through each stage leading to climax. Their genitals could also be more desensitized than average.
However, you are not off the hook. You have lots of techniques at your disposal to give your partner more pleasure and increase the likelihood of them reaching an orgasm (however, it must be noted that having an orgasm should not be the ultimate goal. It’s definitely a good goal, but it shouldn’t take excessive priority).
Once you have some weapons in your arsenal to bust out, your anxiety should almost completely go away.
Pleasuring your partner-
After reading this guide, read some books to further your knowledge. That’s what I did and it did wonders for my sex life. Here are a couple I suggest:
The Men’s and Women’s Health Big Book of Sex
She Comes First – The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, by Ian Kerner, Ph. D.
Within these two books you’ll find a vast wealth of sexual knowledge.
The Big Book of Sex gives you a great overview of sex and the many different aspects, including how your own body functions, your partner’s body functions, workouts and diets to get you in sexual shape, understanding the opposite sex, STIs (sexually transmitted infections), sexual anxieties and health concerns, birth control, making passion last in long term relationships, and much more.
If you have a vagina and/or are not interested in giving pleasure to those who have vaginas, you may see no point in reading She Comes First. I know that if I saw a book about how to pleasure people with penises I wouldn’t put forth any effort to read it. But, I am going to make an argument:
As I said before, the author could have easily made the book gender neu
tral. In addition, and this goes for everyone, understanding your body and how you reach the heights of pleasure is one of the best ways for your partner to understand it.
Huh? What? Why?
Because you can give them advice on how to pleasure you best.
The more you understand about your own body, the better equipped your partner will be.
You can also try watching your partner pleasure themselves. This will show you where they like to be touched, how they like to be rubbed, the right pace, and what gets them over that final hump to orgasmic release.
There is no single way to give everyone an orgasm. Everybody reaches orgasm differently and experiences pleasure differently.
What’s the tried and true way to learn how to pleasure your partner?
Ask them.
Getting An STI or The Possibility Of Receiving One From A Recent Partner-
I’ve had a couple STI scares, and they are terrifying. There were times when I wished I could go back to being a virgin rather than experience the possibility of having an STI.
The possibility of getting a sexually transmitted infection is absolutely not worth having unsafe sex. And I’m sure actually having one is 100,000% not worth it. It’s a serious health concern that every sexually active and future sexually active person should be aware of.