by J. Lovelace
I rubbed my eyeballs and threw my keys on the counter. “As bad as my mama cursed yo’ triflin’ ass out, I’m surprised she gave you the right address.” I surveyed her stomach and sighed. “How you feelin’?”
“Tired, Riq. I called you.”
“Been busy.”
“More like been avoidin’. Why couldn’t you pick up?”
“Don’t play dumb, Simoné. You know why.”
“It’s yours.”
“And how am I supposed to believe that?”
“I’m six-and-a-half months’ pregnant. I wasn’t wit’ nobody else around that time.”
“I’m supposed to believe that?”
“It’s the truth.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean comin’ from yo’ mouth?”
She lowered her eyes and rubbed her stomach. She sat down on one of my bar stools and exhaled. “I took a DNA test.”
“The baby’s not even here.”
“I can still take a DNA test before the baby’s born. I know I fucked up, but I knew this baby was yours. That’s why I stole one of your dirty razors and told the doctors to test my unborn baby. I need you here wit’ me.”
“How’d you steal one of my razors?”
“After what happened between you and me, I found out I was pregnant. I knew this baby was yours, but I knew you wouldn’t believe me.” She stood up from my stool and walked over to me. “Before you moved here, I used my key to sneak back into your old place, and I grabbed one of your razors from the shower to take the test.”
I grabbed the back of my head and blew out cold air. “Simoné, you bringin’ a lot to my doorstep.”
“I know.” She wiped the tears that trickled down her cheekbones. “I know, and I’m sorry, but this baby is yours and I need you.”
I shook my head. “Fuck,” I said as I walked to my couch. I sat down and rubbed the back of my neck. “Shit…”
After taking a deep breath, she wiped her face. “I’m tired, Riq. I’m tired all the time. My body’s changing. My hormones are everywhere. I’m hot all the fucking time. I’m throwing up in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Morning sickness my ass.” She squeezed her hands. “And since baby has my heart rate up, I’m always tryna catch my breath. Why couldn’t you pick up the damn phone, Riq? I’ve been doing this for the past six months by myself. If you don’t wanna be with me, fine. But I need you here for your son.”
I sat up. In her stomach, there was a son. Supposedly, my son. “How am I supposed to believe you, Simoné?”
“Believe the facts, Riq.” Simoné opened her purse and pulled out some papers. Handing me the papers, she smiled. “I knew he was yours.”
Grabbing the papers, I read it out loud. “Probability of Paternity, 99.999%.”
I looked up at Simoné, who had a big smile on her face. “I told you.”
“Still, Simoné. I can’t believe half the shit that leaves your mouth. How do I even know that you really used my DNA to test that baby? Shit, you could’ve only tested that foul dude you had in my house that day. Because you show me some papers, I’m supposed to automatically believe this baby is mine?” I threw the papers on the couch next to me and sighed.
“What else do you want me to do? I know he’s yours.”
“I don’t!”
“I’ll take the test again. Gimme a toothbrush, another razor, a hairbrush, anything. I’ll prove it to you, again.”
“You ain’t prove shit this time.”
“You really think I would go through all this to lie to you?”
I cut my eyes at her and snarled. “Are you serious? You lied to my face so many fucking times, I can’t even be sure that you’re even really pregnant.”
“Give me a fucking DNA sample, Tariq! I’m not gonna let you call me liar when I’m standing here carrying your damn child. If you don’t believe me, take the damn test, but don’t sit in my face and call me a liar.”
“I will.”
Simoné’s chest rose and fell as her hands rattled. As I watched her body shake, I took a deep breath and turned my head. I couldn’t deny that the possibility of me having a son somewhat excited me. At some point in my life, I wanted a mini-me. I wanted the opportunity to bring life into this world. The only downside to it all was that I had to share it with Simoné. I may not have wanted to be with her, but I wanted to be there for my son, if in fact he really was mine.
“If this baby really is mine, I wanna be there for you, Simoné.”
“You sho’ ain’t acting like it.”
“How’d you expect me to act? This the first time I’ve seen you since I put you out my house.”
Simoné gritted her teeth as she placed her hand on her chest. I could tell her heart beat faster as she processed things. “Tariq, I really can’t handle all this right now.”
I rubbed my forehead and shrugged my shoulders. “Come sit next to me.”
She sat down next to me and shuffled through her purse. She pulled out a few sonogram pictures. “I came straight here after my doctor’s appointment today. They say I have high blood pressure. I been tryna keep it under control, but I can’t keep doing this all by myself.” Handing me the pictures, Simoné breathed deeply and relaxed her shoulders. “They confirmed the sex about a month ago, and I’ve been meaning to show you the pictures.” Simoné pointed at a spot in the picture and said, “That’s his…well, you know, that’s how they know he’s a boy.”
“Damn.” The thought of having a son was a lot to take in when two hours ago I was thinkin’ ’bout orderin’ a pizza and watching ESPN.
“I know this is a lot, Tariq. I would’ve texted you, but I wanted to tell you in person. I knew you wouldn’t believe me unless I showed you proof. I’m not doing this alone, Riq.” She grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach. I rubbed her stomach and stared into her eyes, remembering the feelings I once had for her. Then, I remembered how things ended.
I pulled my hand away and shook my head. “No, Simoné. This don’t mean shit about you and me. I’ll be here for…my son, if he’s mine, but that’s it.”
We sat quietly for a while. Under her breath she muttered, “I need a place to stay.”
I shot up from my seat and walked toward the front door. After finding out about my son, she had the nerve to ask me for a place to stay. “Simoné, I can’t do this.”
She propped herself off the couch while holding her stomach and grabbing my coffee table for support. “Riq, I lost my job. I was sick all the time, showin’ up late and missin’ work. And soon, I couldn’t keep up wit’ rent. I got evicted. I have nowhere else to go.”
“What about yo’ mama’s house?”
“My mama has a one bedroom that she shares with her boyfriend and his two kids. I can’t stay there.”
“I can’t have you staying here. I kicked you out and I ain’t lettin’ you back in.”
“Where the fuck am I supposed to go, Riq? You want me to live on the streets? Fine, I’ll sleep in the gutter right outside yo’ fuckin’ building and you can see my face when you walk out the door every morning. That way, yo’ son can know that his daddy ain’t care about his mama enough to give her a bed to sleep on.”
I laughed. It was the type of laugh I laughed whenever I was pissed and couldn’t pick the best emotion to express. I was fucked. I thought I had moved on, but here was Simoné yankin’ me ten steps backward. “What about yo’ girls? They can’t give you a couch to sleep on?”
“Riq…”
“Simoné, you gotta go somewhere else. At least fo’ tonight. I can’t deal wit’ all this right now. We goin’ have to talk about this in the mornin’ o’ something. My head is spinnin’.” I walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of faucet water. Gulping it down, I realized that I hadn’t offered a pregnant woman something to drink. I took a deep breath and said, “You thirsty?”
She shook her head and walked to the kitchen. “I’ll leave, but I’m gonna call you first thing in the morning.”
I
didn’t respond. I poured another glass and stared at the floor. Simoné walked out the door and left me alone wit’ my thoughts—loud, echoing thoughts that made me wish I hadn’t come home.
• • •
Fuck. We took another DNA test and surprisingly confirmed that I was the father of Simoné’s baby. So, Simoné moved in. I tried every alternative I could find before finally agreeing. Simoné and I were back under the same roof, and I hated every moment of it. Even though I made it clear that she was not my girl, in her head, we were workin’ things out. I would look at her and see that shower scene. I spent more time at work and less time alone with her and my weariness. The intern moved on, making it safe to spend late nights in my office workin’ on excuses to stay away from home. With Simoné there, I could barely call it home anyway.
Tonight I had no work, and if I stayed at the job, I was technically trespassing. I begrudgingly drove to my condo, a home that I at one point happily called my own. I contemplated five different ways out before gettin’ home. They all failed. I still made it home. I unlocked my door and walked in to find Simoné crying over a stack of papers at my breakfast bar. I sighed and closed the door behind me.
“What’s wrong wit’ you?” I asked.
She looked up at me and licked her lips. “Bills. I dunno how I’ma pay these bills. I can’t…” Her words trailed off as she sighed and wiped the tears that soaked her face. “I dunno what to do, Riq.”
I dropped my keys on the counter and stuck my hands in my pockets. “What bills?”
“Medical bills. I had insurance through my job. I thought I had enough saved up to pay for the doctor visits without insurance but…” She threw the papers out of her face. “Shit’s rackin’ up. I can’t afford it, and now the doctor’s tellin’ me they won’t see me until I make my payments. I dunno what the fuck I’m gonna do, Riq. I’m fucked.”
I walked to her side and looked through the stack of bills. I was surprised to see how expensive havin’ a baby was. Simoné was in debt almost five thousand. “What does this mean?”
Simoné sniffled and took a deep breath. She was preparing to lay it on thick. I wasn’t goin’ to like what she had to say next. “I talked to yo’ mama, and we both agreed that we need to get married.”
I stepped back. I untied my tie and walked into the kitchen. I shook my head and tried to avoid the conversation she had set me up for. “You are trippin’, Simoné.”
“I’m serious, Riq. I’m not sayin’ this to make us get back together.”
I pulled out a cup from my cupboard. My mouth was dry, and I needed to drink something. I filled my cup with water. “No, Simoné. This pregnancy has got you goin’ crazy if you think we goin’ get married, you and my mama.”
“Riq, if we get married, I can be on your insurance. We won’t be swimmin’ in debt, and I don’t have to worry about givin’ birth in our living room or the free clinic. Riq, it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“I know there are government programs out there that help women in yo’ situation. You think you slick, huh?”
Simoné snatched her purse from the floor and then pulled out a set of papers. Her hands went back to rattling as her chest heaved. “Denied. Denied. Denied, Tariq. I’ve been denied for everything.”
“How can they deny a pregnant woman with no money?”
Simoné waved the papers in her hand and snorted. “I was denied unemployment, I’ve been denied housing assistance. Hell, I’m pregnant and I’ve even been denied fuckin’ Medicaid! You think I ain’t ask the same questions you asked? I ain’t getting no answers, yet, this baby ain’t getting any smaller. I try to appeal. I’ve even gone down there and got in those people’s faces, but when they see me drive up there in a nice car rocking a Gucci bag, they think I’m fuckin’ lying ’cause all they tell me is I simply don’t qualify for benefits at this time.” Simoné slammed the papers down and sighed a shaky breath. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep making a fool out of myself. I need insurance and I need to pick my damn face up from off the floor. Marry me and put me out of my misery, Riq.”
I swallowed my cup of water and poured another cup. “You talkin’ insurance now, but at the end of the day, we’d still be married. I told you before we even got into this. I’m here for the baby. I don’t wanna be wit’ you, Simoné.”
She didn’t like hearing that, but I had to get her head out of the clouds. She sat up and walked into the kitchen. Pointing at her stomach, she said, “You think I have stomach mumps or somethin’? I’m pregnant! And in case you haven’t figured it out, babies cost money. Do I want us to be together? Hell yea. I loved you, Riq. But I fucked up, and I take responsibility for that. The fact is, however, gettin’ married is what’s best for the baby. If you wanna be here for your son, fine. Be here. Marry me.”
“Simoné, no. I’m not…” I walked past her and unbuttoned my shirt. I went into my bedroom and kept undressing. I couldn’t stand there watching the woman carryin’ my son talk about marriage. When I considered marrying, I damn sure wasn’t considering marryin’ a woman like Simoné. “I got a hard time believing half the shit you say. How do I know this ain’t some bullshit trick?”
Simoné followed me and blocked the doorway. “You know I’m pregnant. I peed on a damn stick for you, twice! I took another damn paternity test for you. You can look at the medical bills or go through that pile of denials. You can even call yo’ mama. I’ll wait. Riq, I’m not tryna trick you. All I want is to have a healthy fuckin’ pregnancy.”
“Not like this. I ain’t marryin’ you. That shit ain’t neva happenin’.”
“We can get an annulment.”
“What?”
“After the baby is born, we can get the marriage annulled. I don’t wanna trick you into marriage. Why would I want to be married to a man who doesn’t want me? I wanna do what’s best for our son.”
I didn’t trust Simoné. When I looked at her, I only saw anger and betrayal. Yet, I also saw the son growin’ inside of her. “You must not be hearin’ me.”
“Can you pay for the medical bills piling up? Riq, it’s easy to get married and get it annulled. Can you afford our son if we don’t get married?”
I walked back into my living room and then picked up the pile of papers from my breakfast bar. As I waded through a pile of denied government assistance letters and increasingly expensive medical bills, I chewed on my bottom lip. Huffing loudly, I threw the papers across my coffee table and stared at Simoné as she stood in my bedroom doorway. I was more prepared to go into debt than marry Simoné. Nevertheless, as she glared back at me, all I could see was my seed. A son that I fathered who I needed to protect and support, even if that meant doing what I hated most. I said, “I can’t believe my mama agreed to some shit like this.”
“She ain’t got the cash to foot the bill either. He’s your son, Riq. As much as you may hate me, you have to be here for him.”
“What happened to your credit cards?”
“Maxed out.”
“I still can’t believe they denied you benefits. I can’t fuckin’ be married to you, Simoné. Anything but that.”
Simoné stomped her foot and smacked her lips. “Riq, people do this all the time. You got the insurance. Why not put it to use?”
I sucked in my lips and huffed like the big, pissed-off wolf. I whispered, “As soon as the baby’s born, we’ll get it annulled?”
Simoné’s face lit up. She nodded and clasped her hands together. “Yes, baby. Yes!” She rushed over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
I pulled away and stood up. “I’m serious, Simoné. This is only for the baby. Once he’s born, we’re gettin’ an annulment.”
She stood up beaming. “I promise, Riq. As soon as the baby’s born.”
CHAPTER 25
Erin
Present…
“How are you and Louis?”
I sipped my wine and pretended to enjoy answering that question. “Good.”
I met up with Loraine early Saturday morning at her house, giving me an excuse not to see Louis. With me keeping my secret fantasies of Tariq from Loraine, she was good insurance that I wouldn’t crack and end up knocking on Tariq’s door.
“That’s it?” Loraine sat on her couch with her dreads hanging off her dropped shoulders. She wore a silk maxi dress that matched her mint nail polish. I could attribute her relaxed demeanor to the fact that she was letting Lorenz fulfill the void that her pussy had been waiting on someone to fill.
I shrugged my shoulders. “We’re good. What else do you want me to say?”
“You’re still trippin’ over that mess wit’ Teona?”
“It’s still on my mind. I’m tryna work past it.” I didn’t come over to talk about Louis. I went there to escape him. “You still sleepin’ with Lorenz?”
It was apparent that my question caught Loraine off guard. But as quickly as I asked, her face lit up, and she beamed like a fat kid at a buffet. “Yes.”
“I can tell it’s doing you good.”
“How can you tell that?”
“Look at you. You even dress differently.”
Loraine blushed as she flipped her dreads off her shoulders and exhaled in satisfaction. “It feels good being with a man I know what to expect from. Since we’re not trying to get remarried or anything, it feels good when he comes through, spreads my legs like pliers, and leaves.”
“Are you sure you’re not catching feelings?”
“That’s the good thing about this whole set up. There ain’t no feelings to catch. We’ve already done this. I already love him, and I know he already loves me. Therefore, the sex isn’t meaningless; I’m satisfied, but I know I don’t want a relationship with him, which means there’s no guilt lingering. Only amazing sex.” Loraine twirled her dreads between her fingers and grinned as she stared at nothing in particular.
“You make it sound so good.”
“It is good. There’s nothing wrong about it. And without the pressure of a relationship, the sex is that much better, wetter, and juicier.”
All I thought about was Tariq pleasing my body the way it needed. The only issue was that I actually had a relationship. Louis may have been good in bed, but he was no Tariq. “When do you plan to see Lorenz again?”