by Toni Aleo
I was holding me back.
Scooting toward me, Davis rested his head against my arm, and I smiled, touching my head to his. Inhaling hard, I wondered what Gus was doing. I remembered him saying he had a meeting this morning. Glancing at the clock, I realized he was probably there now. Swallowing hard, I prayed that he got his spot. He deserved it. He worked so damn hard, and hell, he was playing with busted ribs and still was killing it. I had never seen someone play the way he did. He was destined for big things.
I just wasn’t sure if I would be with him through them all.
I could be, if I would stop being so pathetic and dwelling on the past, but I was so scared. If I fell, if I gave in to the feelings that wanted to suffocate me, I would be his completely. But the last time that happened—well, we know what happened.
“Boo.”
With a sigh, I whispered, “Yeah, babe?”
“Can you come home more? I miss you.”
My heart warmed as I cuddled closer to him. “I miss you too, honey, and don’t worry. I’m almost done with school, and then maybe I can move back here.”
He looked up at me. “Really?”
I smiled, though I know it didn’t reach my eyes. “Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Will you bring Gus with you? I like that guy.”
My heart skipped a beat as Davis’s little blue eyes gazed into mine. “Maybe, bud. Okay?”
He slowly nodded, not looking convinced as he leaned into me, his attention moving to the TV. Leaning against him, I closed my eyes as the tears started to gather in my eyes. I hated not knowing my future. Why couldn’t I just have a plan printed for me that told me everything that would happen so I could make the right choice? Would I be with Gus for the rest of my existence? Would I move back home so I could be closer to Davis? But most of all, would I be happy?
I just wanted to be happy.
And the thing was, I was happy with Gus.
When the credits started on the film, I opened my eyes to see that Davis had fallen asleep, popcorn hanging from his lips. With a smile, I wiped them away and put the kernels back in the bowl, holding back my laughter. He was so damn cute. I really wanted to be home more, but it was hard. I loved my parents, but my mom made it really hard to be around them. I wasn’t sure if her apology was genuine, but I guess we’d see. Either way, I would always love Davis.
As I moved my fingers through his hair, I wondered what it would have been like if I had been like Lauren Persson, raising him on my own and being the mother he deserved. As much as I wanted to believe I could have done it, I really didn’t think I could have. I was in such a bad spot. The depression and Jesse’s betrayal had messed me up so bad. Thankfully, though, Davis had my parents. Being able to see him like I did, hold him and cuddle him… Most birth mothers didn’t get that.
But I did.
But even the joy of having that couldn’t keep my thoughts. No, they kept drifting back to Gus. Rolling to my back from my side, I reached for my phone. Opening it, the first thing I saw was us making kissy faces at the camera. This guy who I thought was nothing but a spoiled, goofy, cocky prick was actually the guy who stole my heart. I almost couldn’t believe it, but I knew it to be true.
Gus was special.
Moving to the messages, I opened his text thread, reading the many messages from him asking me to text him back, to call him, but then I noticed a text bubble that indicated he was typing something. It could be a mistake, but what if it wasn’t? Was he texting me right then? Shouldn’t he be in the meeting?
“Isn’t he beautiful?”
I jerked my head up to see my mom standing in the doorway. She was wearing a long housedress, her strawberry hair up in a bun on top of her head. Sundays were always lazy days in the St. James house. No one ever got out of their PJs.
Dropping my phone to my lap, I nodded. “He is.”
She came into my room, sitting on the chair by the door, watching me. “It’s been really nice having you home.”
I swallowed hard, looking down at my phone to see that Gus was still typing. Deciding a text wasn’t really coming, I put my phone to sleep. “It has been. I’ve had a lot of fun.”
She gave me a look. “Have you?”
I looked away, shrugging my shoulders. “I did when I wasn’t being attacked by you.” I looked up, and she was watching me. “I’m trying so hard to live in the now, but it’s hard, especially when my past keeps being thrown at me.”
She slowly nodded, and I noticed that her eyes were getting misty, which was surprising. My mom wasn’t a crier. “I think I thought when you got older you’d want him back.”
I made a face. “Mom, I can’t do that to him. That’s unfair. You’re what he knows.”
A tear slowly rolled down her face as she nodded. “I know, and I can’t believe I was hopeful for that. I think I just wanted you to realize what you had done.”
“I know what I did,” I snapped back. “For one, I can’t forget. I wouldn’t forget, but I don’t regret it. He is so much better off.”
“I know,” she answered with a nod as she wiped her face. “I just, I just worry for you.” She looked up, holding my gaze. “I feel like you’re moving through life with everything that happened chained to you, and you’re dragging it all with you.”
I blinked. “I am,” I said simply, shaking my head. “I can’t let it go, and when I think I am, something comes up and I reattach the chains.”
Swallowing hard, she slowly nodded as more tears fell. “Is that why you came home and cried all night?”
My jaw dropped a bit as I looked down, closing my eyes. “I didn’t realize you heard me.”
“Daddy and Davis didn’t, but I did.”
Biting into my lip, I squeezed my eyes shut.
She asked, “He’s the first guy you’ve been with since Jesse, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“He must be special.”
I quirked my lips a little. “He’s a pain in my ass.”
When she laughed quietly, I looked up and she smiled. “The best love is.”
My chest seized up as I watched her while she watched me.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
No. Not even kind of, but she was trying. She hadn’t tried in years. Swallowing back the emotion that was trying to suffocate me, I glanced down at my lap. “He figured out things about him,” I said, moving my head toward Davis. “And I blew up at him, told him that I was worried he would do what Jesse did, and I walked out.”
“Do you really believe he would do that?”
I looked up. She was leaning on her lap, holding her face in her hands.
“You told me earlier he was different.”
“He is.” I licked my lips, fighting back my tears. “He is amazing, he is funny, and he’s so giving. He would do anything for me. But I know he’ll choose his career over me, when he should—he’s talented as hell. But, like Jesse, he loves the attention of ladies—”
“Stop right there,” she said, and I looked up at her. “Will he act on it?”
I just blinked. “Huh?”
“Will he act on the need for the ladies? You know him, so you should know the answer.”
Silence stretched between us, the only sounds being that of Davis’s soft sleeping. As my eyes started to cloud with tears, I slowly shook my head. “No, he wouldn’t. He loves me.”
She nodded, her lips curving. “And do you love him?”
I swallowed hard. “I do.”
“Okay, then what’s wrong? What are you thinking?”
I shrugged. “I’m embarrassed by how things played out, and I’m scared that even though I think he won’t hurt me, and that he loves me, he will hurt me. He’s all about these promises, and I hate promises—”
“With Jesse,” she supplied. “You hate the promises that Jesse made. You know you can’t make this guy pay for Jesse’s mistakes, don’t you?”
When my tears started to fall, it was no longer beca
use of everything that was happening with Gus. That was part of it, but it was mainly because my mom was finally being my mom again. I had waited for this for so long. Covering my face with my hands, I slowly nodded, and when I felt her arms around me, I leaned into her.
“Bocephus, baby, you haven’t dated anyone in years, haven’t even talked about anyone, but now you are. You talk about him, and you get this look in your eyes. Baby, that has to mean something.”
“It does,” I whispered. “It really does.”
“Good. Baby, you have to live your life and love it. If this man helps you live and loves you, why fight, baby?”
“Because I’m an idiot?”
She laughed against my ear as she kissed my temple. “Then stop being an idiot.”
“Easier said than done,” I laughed, and she kissed my cheek before holding my face.
“I love you, baby, and I want you to be happy.”
“I do too,” I said as my tears continued to fall. “I love you, Mom.”
She smiled widely at me before kissing me hard on the cheek just as my phone went off. Pulling away, we both looked down at it, and I saw that it was in fact from Gus, and there was a lot.
“Is that him?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Gus. His name is Gus.”
She smiled. “Answer him.”
She patted my face, and then she was gone as I lifted my phone, opening the message.
Gus: This is going to be long, so get comfortable. When you left last night, I sat there for a moment, waiting for the relief to come. Like, finally, I was out of this relationship, I could go back to my old ways, and I would be awesome. But relief didn’t come. I was just miserable. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t how to make you answer me or anything. I felt like I was dying. So I stayed up most of the night trying to figure out what to do, and I came up with nothing, because no matter what I do, no matter what I say, it won’t matter if you don’t want me. The funny thing is, I really thought you did. I seriously thought we were solid. Like right now, I’m standing in a hall waiting for the team doctors to look at me, and all I want is to come to you and tell you that I have a spot here with the Tornadoes. I got it. And I’m excited and I’m ready, but I wish like hell you were here with me. I want to kiss you, I want to share this with you, because, Bo, I love you. Don’t you get that? I love you and only you. Yeah, I know you hate promises, they’re stupid, or whatever you called them. The thing is, when I was eight years old, I watched my dad promise my mom he would never hurt her. He would never leave her. And he promised he’d love her until he was dead in the ground. He’s kept those promises and even made more. And he’s kept them all. I want to be that man. I want to be that man for you. I want to give you a new standard. I don’t want you to look at promises or hockey players and think they’re shit. Well, actually, you can think that about anyone else except me. You have to like me, but you get what I’m saying? This would be so much easier on the phone, but if this is how it has to be, fine. Because I promise I’ll never leave you unless you send me away. I promise to support you even when you don’t support yourself. And I promise to give all the orgasms you could ever want or need. But most of all, I’ll always want you, and I love you. Even when you don’t want me. So call me. I want to see you.
I covered my mouth and closed my eyes as the sobs raked through me. His words, his promises, everything just shattered me. He rattled me. He was full of surprises, and it honestly blew me away. I thought he was this one-dimensional guy, but he was so much more.
And I wanted it all.
All of him.
As I stared at my phone, a goofy grin moved across my face.
How in the world was I supposed to say anything but yes to a text message like that?
Chapter Thirty-Four
Gus
“Nothing is broken.”
I wanted to throw my hands up, but I knew that might hurt, so I didn’t. Instead, I just flashed him a grin. “So, I’m good?”
“Yeah, we’ll freeze you up before the game tomorrow, but you’ll stay tender for a while. As long as you want to play, I’m not going to stop you, unless, of course, something changes.”
I was going to like this doctor a lot. “Great. So, really, I’m fine?”
“Yeah, solid. It was awesome to meet you. Hope I don’t see you again.”
I shook his hand. “Me too, brother. Thanks.”
Taking in a deep and painful breath, I felt pretty good other than the fact that my phone hadn’t gone off. Bo was still radio silent, and it was honestly killing me. But then my phone started to ring, and I almost dropped it trying to answer it.
Instead of Bo, it was Max.
“Max, what’s up?”
“Dude, you haven’t called me, and I’ve been calling you.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I told you, I’ve moved on,” I somehow teased, even though I didn’t want to.
Max did laugh a bit though. “Shut it, asshole. Listen, I got traded.”
“No shit,” I said, stopping in the hall. “Where?”
“New York.”
“Fuck yeah! Dude, that’s awesome!”
“Yeah, I’m leaving as soon as possible.”
“Dude, I’m so happy for you. You got a spot?”
“Yeah, can you believe it?”
“I can!”
“Thanks, man. Listen, Jessica is gonna meet me up there. I don’t think I’ll get to say goodbye though.”
I scoffed at his bromancing way, but then, we had become more than friends. Brothers, actually. “Dude, it’s fine. I was about to call you. I got the spot on the Tornadoes!”
“Oh, thank God! That’s awesome, man,” he gushed, and I smiled.
“Yeah, so we’ll play each other, and I’ll take you and Jessica out. Since, of course, I make more money than you.”
He laughed. “I’m gonna miss you, man. Make sure you bring Bo with you.”
The smile dropped from my face. Since I hadn’t heard from her after laying my heart out, I was pretty sure that meant it was over. Which fucking sucked.
“Hey, I’m dropping Sweetie off with Lizzy. She’ll keep her until you can come get her,” he added.
“Cool,” I said, because I wasn’t about to ruin his mood. He didn’t need to know about the shit with Bo. Hell, I didn’t even really know what the shit was. Except that I was hurting everywhere. “So, good luck!”
“Thanks, man. You too.”
Hanging up, I exhaled hard and couldn’t believe how things were changing so fast. Max and I had been buddies for the last year. Both of us worked our asses off, and finally, we were getting somewhere. I looked at my phone and started to text Bo. I had to tell her, but I paused when I saw that she had read my message.
Yet, she hadn’t answered my last text.
“Damn it,” I moaned, leaning into the door as my hand fell to my side. Maybe I should just go to her mom’s house, try to talk to her. But what was the point? She’d probably just ignore me like she was now.
Fuck, what a load of bullshit.
Tucking my phone into my pocket, I decided to go to the bar. Maybe my dad would come down to the hotel bar with me so we could discuss how shitty women were. I needed a drink, and I needed to forget that my first ever girlfriend just blew me off like I was nothing. Man, that hurt.
I just didn’t get it, though. I had told her everything I was feeling. Wasn’t that enough?
Shaking my head, I headed out of the compound just as my phone started to ring.
It was my mom.
“Hey, I was about to call you—”
“Gus!” she cried out, and everything went tight.
“Mom? What’s wrong?”
“Dad and I were getting ready to catch a cab to go shopping when we saw Bo crossing the street! She got hit by a car!”
“What?” I almost cried, my heart pounding in my chest. “Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. They just got her in the ambulance and are taking her to the ER.”
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I didn’t even wait for more. I hung up, and then I was running.
Because even though she didn’t like them, I had made a promise to her.
And I would never break that.
* * *
When I got to the ER, it was dead. There was no one in there, unlike when I’d ended up there in Malibu. So, thankfully, it was easy to find the nurses’ desk.
“I’m looking for Bocephus St. James.”
The older lady glanced up at me and then paused before she looked me up and down. If I wasn’t stricken with worry about Bo, I would have been offended at having been checked out like a piece of chocolate cake. Okay, I probably wouldn’t have been offended, but either way, I was shaking I was so worried.
“Family member?”
“Boyfriend,” I answered. “I’m her boyfriend. Gus Persson.”
“Ah yes, she did have your name down.” I had to keep myself from fist pumping. Not only would it have hurt, but also I was pretty sure that would have been pathetic. “She’s behind curtain six. I’ll open the doors for you.”
“Is she okay?”
“You’ll have to see for yourself, Mr. Persson.”
Well, that wasn’t promising.
Rushing from her desk, I ran through the doors she had opened and realized that I was sweating profusely. My heart was going insane in my chest, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. What if her ankle was really broken this time? What if she was paralyzed? Shit, what if she was brain dead!
When I got to the hall that held all the waiting rooms with the curtains giving everyone privacy, I sped down it, counting the curtains, until I got to six.
Staring at the number, I looked around at all the open curtains, but no one was in them. I didn’t see a doctor. I didn’t see anyone, but I heard the beeping of a machine behind the curtain. Reaching out to pull it open, my hand was shaking so damn bad I almost didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to see her, hurt and broken, and not be able to tell her that she was my world.
“Grow a sack, Bus,” I whispered to myself before pulling the curtain open.
To my surprise, Bo wasn’t in the bed. She was standing beside it in a pair of leggings and a long shirt that was tied at the side. Her hair was up in her trusty bun, and she was wearing some makeup. She did have her boot on, but other than that, she didn’t look like a car had hit her.