by Tori Carson
He kissed her hand while he considered her question. “That’s one I haven’t defined before. Let me think about how to explain it.” He loved this area. It was why he’d bought his home and sharing it with Michelle was important to him. He just wished the tension between them would ease up.
“If I scene with a sub, there’s a mutual expectation of gratification. Not necessarily orgasm, but pleasure to be sure. A demonstration isn’t like that. Instead, it’s tutorial, teaching a skill, explaining pitfalls or advantages of one technique over another.”
“I think I understand. So last week you were teaching members about zippers and using Stella as your model?”
“Basically, yes. She wasn’t a static model though, Michelle. I want you to really understand what I’m saying so if you have questions, please ask them. I don’t want this to come back and bite me in the ass later.” He probably should have phrased that a little more softly. It wasn’t her fault David the dumbass didn’t know what he was talking about.
“Did you have intercourse with her?” she asked in a whisper.
“No. Before today, I don’t remember the last time I’ve had intercourse.” He tried to keep his voice quiet out of respect for her modesty. “It’s been at least a year. It’s too intimate and it can give subs the wrong idea. I wasn’t in the market for a relationship until I found you and I did everything in my power to make that clear. Although, I’ll concede, I apparently wasn’t clear enough.”
“I’m curious what she wanted last night. Seeing her kneeling in front of you really bothered me.”
He didn’t like where this was heading. If she got upset every time a sub kneeled for him, she’d basically stay upset with him.
Maybe it was just Stella. He wasn’t sure what exactly transpired between the two of them last night but he wasn’t happy about it. He rubbed his hand over his face, wishing he’d been more observant. Several times during the night he’d been pulled away on club business. “What about when the other subs approached me, did that upset you as well?”
The look on her face told him he’d stepped in it again. Fuck!
“I didn’t see anyone other than Stella. So you’re saying there were others too?” She tried to pull her hand from his.
“No, I didn’t say that.” Son of a bitch—a lie of omission was still a lie. “But yes, a couple did. They were volunteering to help out with a demo if I had one planned. Last night Steven was showing the differences between whip styles. He enjoys whips much more than I do, so I left him to it.”
“Sean, you are a great guy and I wish I could be more accepting. You’re bending over backward to work through this with me and to be forthcoming. I know that. As much as I’d like to shrug off my concerns, I can’t. I understand how jealousy works. I know it has much more to do with my self-esteem than the outside factors, but knowing that and handling it are two different matters. Seeing you with other women eats away at me. I felt physically ill. I can’t live like that. I considered quitting the club, thinking if it weren’t shoved in my face it might be easier to take.” She shook her head. “But I know me. Every night you were at the club, I’d be losing my mind wondering what was going on down there. I don’t think I can do this.”
“I don’t want anyone but you. That collar you’re wearing around your neck means something to me. I’ve never given a woman my collar.” He made the time-out signal. “I’ve scened before with collars. However, they were play collars, and they came off right after the scene. You’re the only woman I’ve felt possessive of, that I’ve wanted to warn everyone to stay the hell away from because you’re mine.”
“Can we put this on hold while we shop?” Michelle asked as they were about to enter the store.
Sean nodded and pulled a cart from the corral.
Chapter Five
Walking around the store with Sean felt odd—domestic and comfortable. They were quickly getting more groceries than they could carry home. Home? Where the fuck did that come from?
Michelle started separating their purchases.
“Why is that food being exiled to the end of the cart?” Sean asked, looking happy and relaxed for the first time since they’d gotten out of bed.
“I’m just trying to make it easier at the checkout.”
“Don’t start that shit. I’m buying the food.”
“I’m the one who wanted to make us dinner, so I should be the one to buy it.” She sighed, realizing she was only making a big deal out of this because she felt like a gold-digger by taking his money and sleeping with him. It didn’t matter that the money was for bartending, not the sex.
“Michelle, you’re not winning this one.”
She met his gaze and smiled. He really was bending over backward for her. The least she could do was try to meet him halfway. “Okay.”
“Thank you.”
Walking back to his house, he’d only let her carry one of the bags and it only contained fresh fruit.
“Michelle, I know we can find common ground. Right this minute I don’t know what the answer is. But I know there is one.”
“You said you’ve trained subs. What does that mean?” She knew she wouldn’t like the answer, but if she was even going to consider moving forward, she wanted her eyes wide open.
“On occasion, I’ve had women new to the lifestyle or those who have had trouble staying with a Dom ask me to help them learn the protocols or typical expectations. Some,” he met her eyes and she knew she wouldn’t like what he was about to say, “have needed help learning how to bridge the gap between pain and pleasure. Others needed to work on self-control.”
“Every time I think it might be possible to make this work, you throw me a curveball.”
“Everything I’m throwing is straight and true. It would be a hell of a lot easier to be evasive, but that wouldn’t buy me anything in the long run. I can’t change the fact that I own a kink club. I’m not some sweet, innocent college boy who turns beet-red every time I look at a woman. And that’s part of what appeals to you. What I promise to give you is a truthful answer to your questions.”
“I appreciate your honesty, Sean, and I’m sorry I doubted you.” In his mind he hadn’t lied, but she understood how David could see it as the same thing. Since it was before they’d gotten together, so to speak, the only reason she’d have to be upset by it was if he’d chosen to mislead her. It was obvious that wasn’t the case. He was going out of his way to make sure he came clean with her.
“You said you’ve read a lot of BDSM novels. What about the stories kept you going back to that genre?”
Now it was her turn to have her feet in the frying pan. He’d been painfully honest with her. It wouldn’t be fair to avoid his question. “I’d have to say the dynamics between the characters. The men are strong, yet vulnerable to their women. They put their woman’s needs first. They push them out of their comfort zone, but at the same time they’re protective of them and cognizant of their wants and needs. It’s very appealing.” And exactly what he’d shown her. Oh boy…was she running away from him because of the club or because she was scared?
When she looked him in the eye, she got the distinct impression he knew exactly the question she was pondering. His smile was very telling. And patient. Like her third-grade teacher when she’d finally understood that multiplication was just repetitive addition.
“In many ways, D/s has old-fashioned, chivalrous roots. It was one of the things that attracted me to the lifestyle.” Sean set a bag on the ground while he dug his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his back door. “The sex did too.” He laughed, remembering the first time he’d entered a kink club back in college. “And the control, the trust.” He picked up the bag and opened the door for Michelle. “Since starting the club, my focus has been on bringing awareness to the lifestyle. It’s only been here recently that we’ve begun to see sustained growth. I’ve been so busy building the business I haven’t stopped to enjoy it.”
Sean led her through the bedroom to the ki
tchen area.
“Wow, your kitchen is a chef’s dream. I think it’s a crime if you only cook oatmeal in here.” Michelle laughed, gazing at the obviously unused room.
“Make yourself at home. If you need something, look for it, because I have no idea where it would be. The kitchen is fully stocked though. A couple years ago, I was sick of eating crap and had put on a few pounds so I hired a personal trainer to come in, prepare meals and design a workout for me. I never got into cooking. It seemed like a waste of time to make a meal just for me. I don’t do leftovers. I like fresh food.” He shrugged. “I started buying at restaurants what she told me to make at home and did a few more reps in the gym to compensate.”
“I can’t fault your routine. I wish I was in half the shape that you are.” Seeing him in the shower for the first time had been an “oohh baby” moment.
“I love your body, Michelle. I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe just one thing.”
His tone change caught her attention more than what he’d said. Hell, she’d change more than just one thing if given the opportunity. She lifted an eyebrow and gave him a questioning look.
“I’d like your body in my arms much more often.”
She smiled. “I’d like that too.” If she could stay cocooned in his arms, life would be pretty damn good.
Sean stopped putting the food in the fridge and gave her a hug. He kissed her on the neck before resting his chin on her shoulder. “I’m just going to sit at the island and let you work your magic, because if I keep touching you I’m going drag you back to bed and we both need food.”
Michelle kissed him on the cheek. “This won’t take too long.” She started looking through the cupboards until she found a cutting board, skillets and knives.
“Was there anything in the books you’d like to try?”
She paused, the knife in midswing, and heat rushed to her face.
Sean chuckled. “I’d say that’s a yes. Come on subbie, start talking.”
“There’ve been a few scenes that might have caught my attention.” She couldn’t quite keep under wraps the grin that spread across her face. “And some that scared me enough to put the book down for a few days.”
After cleaning the chicken, she put a little olive oil in a skillet and slid the meat in.
“So reading the same books wouldn’t necessarily tell me what you’re interested in?”
“No.” She began preparing the vegetables. “Fire play ain’t never happenin’. Don’t get me wrong, it was beautifully written and all, but there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to get me to do that. And—” She put the knife down and looked him in the eye—“I don’t get the humiliation crap, and don’t even get me started on exhibitionism.” Sean was obviously struggling not to laugh.
Michelle picked the knife back up to finish the veggie prep and waved it in a “stop that” motion. “Don’t laugh at me.”
Sean raised his hands in an “I surrender” gesture. “I wouldn’t dare. I assumed it would be difficult to get you to talk about what you wanted to try. Apparently I should have gone the other way and asked what you weren’t interested in and figured it out through elimination.”
She laughed. “I guess I am being difficult. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be.” After adding a bit of olive oil to another skillet, she dropped in the vegetables. “I would feel stupid saying I wanted to try this or that when I have no idea whether I’d enjoy it or not. Reading it and doing it aren’t the same.”
Michelle stirred the contents of the skillets and spoke to Sean over her shoulder. “Take, for example, the whole kneeling thing. When I read about it, it sounded, I don’t know, hot. But when Dana kneeled beside Brian, I was just embarrassed for her. And we won’t talk about seeing you with Stella.”
“When you kneeled for me in the shower it was such a turn-on. It’s a respectful gesture—an offering of your body for my pleasure. It’s very giving and submissive and it appeals to the Dom in me. When Dana kneels for Brian, I see it as a very loving gesture. I feel a twinge of envy.”
Michelle took a moment to digest Sean’s opinion. “See, that’s how I felt when I read about it and how I meant it in the shower, but then seeing it from others…”
“Is it possible a moment of jealousy tainted your view of Dana’s actions? It sounds like you were okay with it until Stella came along.” His voice was casual and nonjudgmental.
“Maybe.” Michelle knew she was letting Stella fuck with her head. If she didn’t knock it off, she was going to let that woman keep her from giving a relationship with Sean a chance.
“So what’s your take on wax play?”
Michelle took a few moments to take care of the food and think about her response. “Well there’s the flame—that’s the first strike against it. Then we’ll move on to—I don’t understand the point of it. It would be so messy to get busy with wax everywhere.”
“Do you have a fear of fire?”
“Only in conjunction to my skin.” She giggled nervously. “Fire play—yes, deep-seated fear. Wax play—no.”
“Got it. Scenes don’t always include intercourse, which I’m assuming is what you meant by ‘get busy’.” Sean sent her a tender smile that sent her heart fluttering.
Michelle heated the tortillas and began filling the wraps. “Yeah, you said that earlier. This is about ready. Do you want anything to go with it?”
“Let’s dig in.”
“Ahh, a man after my own heart.”
“Yes, I am.” Sean pulled two plates out of the cupboard. “Would you like to sit on the patio?”
“I’d love to.”
They both pitched in and they took their meal outside. It was a beautiful day. The wind blowing through her hair seemed to whisk away some of her worries. She loved the time she’d spent with Sean. Maybe she was worrying too much and she just needed to stop overthinking everything and give this a try.
“How do you feel about pain?” Sean asked quietly after she’d taken a few bites.
Wow. Her stomach bottomed out on that question. “Confused, mainly.”
“That’s not surprising, Michelle.” He took a few bites. “This is excellent, by the way. Thank you.”
Michelle beamed at his praise.
“Will you elaborate on your answer? What confuses you about it?”
She looked at him for a long time, trying to figure out how to put her feelings into words. He was so patient with her. She had to try to answer him. “Honestly, when I read the books, I thought the authors were nuts.” She knew her face was blazing red with embarrassment. “Even tame romance stories talk about spanking.”
“But…”
“Do we have to talk about this?”
He was finally making some headway. Was it worth the risk of frightening her to pursue this? “I would never force you to do anything, Michelle. Although it may not appear so to the casual observer, BDSM is consensual. To achieve that, the participants have to have a dialogue about what they like and don’t like.”
“I know you’re right. I’m just not comfortable talking about it.” Michelle took another bite of the wrap.
“You said that part of what intrigued you in the stories you’ve read is the Dom pushing the sub out of her comfort zone. I can’t be cognizant of your wants if you won’t tell me what they are.” He already had a good idea of what she needed.
“Using my own words against me? So not fair, Sean.” Michelle smiled at him, “However, I will give you points for listening to me and paying attention.” She finished her wrap and leaned back in her chair and watched the sailboats drift by. “In my head, pain and pleasure should be on opposite ends of the spectrum.”
Sean waited, hoping she’d share more. She seemed very serious and contemplative.
“Today, in bed with you—” She crossed her arms over her chest and continued to stare off toward the water. “It hurt and I liked it.” She shook her head. “I shouldn’t have. It’s not right.”
He was putting a few more o
f the pieces of the puzzle together. Her trying to run from him wasn’t only about the club and the women there. She was having an internal struggle as well. “Why shouldn’t you enjoy it? You weren’t harmed and the endorphins it released increased your arousal.”
Michelle smiled and began clearing the table. “When you say it that way it sounds perfectly natural, but up here—” She pointed to her head. “It’s not so easy.”
“Give me those plates. You cooked so I’ll be doing the cleaning.” He didn’t want a servant or a slave—he wanted a partner.
“I don’t mind doing it all, Sean.”
“Well, I do. It’s not happening.” He took the plates to the sink, rinsed them and added them to the dishwasher. Once he was finished, he went to the island across from Michelle and took her hands in his. He couldn’t stop touching her. “What about discipline? How did you feel when I paddled that perfect ass of yours?”
“You don’t ask easy questions, Sean.” She met his gaze then dropped her eyes to their hands. “Your voice changed when I made you mad. It made my stomach drop.”
“Whoa, Michelle.” He raised her chin and looked her in the eye. “I wasn’t angry. By giving you specific instructions, I was directing your attention and keeping you focused. When you say your stomach dropped—what do you mean by that?”
“I misspoke. I didn’t think you were mad so much as disappointed. I wanted to please you as much as you were pleasuring me and it bothered me to let you down. You have a very sexy voice and I’m susceptible to the tones you use. Usually you speak softly to me. It gives me a safe, cared-for feeling. But every now and then your tone will drop an octave or two and your voice becomes more commanding, unyielding. That’s when my tummy bunches.”
Sean chuckled, so proud of her for opening up to him. “And that’s a good thing?”
“Oh yeah, very hot.”
“What about the paddling itself?” They’d have to discuss her tolerance for pain in much more detail. He didn’t want to push her too hard too soon though. Baby steps would do just fine for now. At least she was talking to him and not trying to run out the door.