Something about the mental image struck me as mythic: a wolf-Prometheus bound to a rock? But it had been a tree, and the only classical myth about wolves that came to mind was Romulus and Remus, abandoned babies nursed by a she-wolf.
I was still brooding on the subject when the two of them came back, the wolf panting but still full of energy, bounding across the clearing to do a happy dance around me. Cody, dripping with sweat, his gray T-shirt soaked and clinging to his muscular chest, jogged raggedly after him. He looked exhausted, until he saw me, when his face lit up, and he carried himself differently, with a new spring in his step.
The sight of him, the way his expression changed, the sheer joy in it, as if he’d half expected me to be gone, sent a surge through me, some sort of emotional electricity connecting us. Can these things be explained? Is there any reason in it? Sometimes, once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky, you see someone, and you just know. I was suddenly, ridiculously, happy.
Neither of us said a word.
There was a cooler full of cold drinks in the back of the car. Cody poured water into a dish and set it down for Lobo, then stripped off his shirt and poured the rest of the bottle over his head, shaking it off as unselfconsciously as if he’d been alone. I pretended not to notice, but my eyes were drawn to his naked chest, and I was standing so near that I could smell his clean, salty sweat and feel the heat that radiated from him. It was all suddenly too much; the surge of pure lust that I felt was so powerful that I couldn’t breathe. I had to close my eyes and lean against a tree.
“Want some?”
My eyes flashed open; I saw that he was holding out a can of cold beer. “Thanks,” I said, and took a quick gulp.
He looked at me with a sly grin. “Don’t know why you should feel weak. You been secretly working out with the weights in your bag?”
“No, but the mosquitoes must’ve got two pints out of me, at least.”
He laughed, and I gulped down beer more quickly than usual. But when he offered me a second, I shook my head. “No, I can’t—I shouldn’t—I—”
“I guess you need to be getting back?”
I nodded.
We were silent in the car, as he drove. There was so much to say, I couldn’t think how to begin. He seemed comfortable with the silence. I listened to the steady, regular panting from the backseat, and the hum of the tires on the road, and breathed in the musky scents of man and animal, and as I relaxed into the moment, I felt the hard, tight knot that had been inside me for so long slowly loosen.
Seeing my mailbox coming into view, I remarked, “That’s where I live, right there.”
And he turned, hard, cutting across the highway into my driveway.
I gave a little yelp of surprise.
“What’s wrong? I thought you said …?” We were bouncing and rolling along the badly rutted track when he stepped on the brake.
“I didn’t mean you should turn.”
“You didn’t want me to take you home?”
Yes, and stay with me forever, I thought. “My car’s on campus.”
“Oh, right. Of course. Well, I’ll take you there, no problem,” he said. “Do I need to back out?”
“You can turn by the trailer,” I said, and a moment later we were in the clearing where my shabby home stood in solitary splendor. He looped smoothly around the clearing in front of it, and in a matter of seconds we were back on the highway.
I felt sorry. Why hadn’t I asked him in for a drink? So, I didn’t have anything but a box of green tea and a couple of Cherry Cokes; there was beer in his cooler. Then, as I was trying to think how to rescue the situation, he spoke:
“Listen, do you want to go get something to eat?”
I looked at him. He was hunched forward, staring at the road.
“That would be nice.”
His shoulders relaxed. “I don’t know about nice. I’d love to take you to a fancy restaurant, but Lobo wouldn’t be welcome.”
I laughed. “Are you kidding? You really don’t go anywhere without him?”
“Did you think I was lying?”
“Whoa, you’re sensitive! No, but people exaggerate. I’ve done it myself. And—well, to change your life that much—”
“Why is that so hard to believe? Haven’t you ever changed your life to suit another person? People do it all the time. They do it when they fall in love. You don’t live like you’re single when you’re married. Women do it when they have kids, every time. So I’ve done it for an animal—why not? I like him better than any—well, let’s say, better than ninty-nine percent of all the people I’ve ever met.”
We went to Whattaburger. It felt very retro, having a date at a drive-in, very old-fashioned teenage, and that was pretty appropriate to the hormonal rush his presence caused, a desire so strong it took away my appetite for anything but him.
HE ORDERED THREE hamburgers, and fed one of them to Lobo, bit by bit. When the two of them were finished, my own burger was still nearly untouched. Cody advised me to eat up: “You’re driving him crazy.”
“He can have it.”
“Something wrong with it?”
“No!”
“You’re not hungry?”
I shook my head. “The milkshake’s enough.”
“Go on, then. Cement your friendship with a burger.”
“The whole thing? I mean, bun and lettuce and all?”
“Unless you want it.”
I enjoyed watching Lobo wolf it down. As I turned away, wiping my fingers on a napkin, I noticed some college kids walking past, heading for either the Taco Bell or the 7-Eleven, on foot because, as freshmen, they were required to live on campus and not allowed cars. One of the girls gave the SUV a sharp look as she walked by, and I recognized her as one of my students. She saw me through the lowered window just as I saw her, and her eyes widened. I couldn’t help smiling as I raised my hand in a casual salute: yes, your boring English teacher does have a life outside the classroom! She lowered her gaze without responding, and hurried away.
Cody said, “Let’s go. Unless you wanted something else?”
“No, nothing,” I said, and while it was true, I had hoped we could sit and talk awhile. I still knew almost nothing about this man, except that he was happy to allow a wolf to set his schedule. “I guess Lobo wouldn’t be too happy about sitting in a drive-in after the food’s all gone.”
“Not when he can smell more burgers being taken to other cars.”
“So now what?” I asked, as he started the engine.
“Now I take you to get your car, like you asked.”
I didn’t want our date to be over, but I reminded myself there could be others, and so, as we headed toward campus, I invited them to dinner at my place the next evening.
I felt Cody’s happiness like my own, and I think it was.
I WAS STILL feeling happy the next afternoon, and even more excited as I anticipated the night to come, when I got the message that Nadia Sorenko, head of my department, wanted to see me. I wasn’t worried, not even when I saw how serious she looked as she gestured to me to take a seat, and I was totally unprepared for her first question.
“What is the nature of your relationship with Cody Vela?”
I gaped at her stupidly. “What …?”
She leaned forward across her desk. “The kids call him the wolf-man. You know who I mean? There’s a disturbing rumor going around that you were seen sitting with him in his SUV yesterday evening.”
I bristled. “Well, so what if I was?”
She repeated, “What’s the nature of your relationship?”
I was afraid I was blushing. “I only met him yesterday. I’d hardly call that a relationship.”
She nodded slowly. “Not a business relationship?”
“What are you talking about? What business? And isn’t it my business who I talk to on my own time?”
“Not when he’s the local drug dealer.” She smiled a bit grimly. “You didn’t know? Oh, yes. And it’s not a par
t-time, share the joy, home-grown pot kind of thing. Have no illusions—he might be a local boy, but the man’s a criminal, with connections to organized crime.”
I tried to swallow. My throat was sore. “I—I had no idea.”
“How did you meet him?”
“I saw his wolf. I was curious, I guess.”
“His wolf.” She shook her head. “Some wolf. Half coyote, half German shepherd, you ask me. But the kids all believe his stories: It’s purely wild; he found the little cub in the woods, the only survivor of a pack butchered by hunters, or it saved his life when he was attacked by a panther—which one did he tell you?”
“He didn’t say anything like that.”
“Must have guessed you weren’t as gullible as your students. They think the Big Thicket is more than a few scattered remnants, that it’s primeval, magical, filled with wolf packs, big cats, and extinct birds, not to mention ghost lights and hairy ape men.” Her interest in me waning, she stole a glance at her computer screen and sighed. “All right, Katherine. Now you know what he is, you’ll steer clear. And if you ever see him on campus, call security.”
LEAVING CAMPUS, HALF an hour later, I went to the grocery store and bought three steaks, potatoes, green beans, a bottle of wine, cheese and crackers, grapes, a frozen cheesecake … I reasoned that since I didn’t have his phone number, I couldn’t cancel, and the least I could do was give Cody a chance to defend himself. Maybe he could explain everything: He was working undercover for the DEA, or the victim of identity-theft …
I was totally in denial.
When I heard his car, I went outside and stood in front of the trailer, my arms crossed, holding myself. Lobo sensed my mood instantly and hung back by the car, just watching as Cody, less aware, only lost his smile and his jaunty, swinging stride when we were in touching distance.
“What’s up?”
I told him what my boss had said.
He didn’t prevaricate, bluster, or deny the charge, and he didn’t make light of it, either. He sucked in his lips. “You didn’t know?”
“Like I’d get in a car and go for a ride with a drug dealer!”
He sighed. “You’re a good person. I’m not used to being around good people.”
“I can’t see you anymore.”
“I understand.” Yet he didn’t move. He stared at the ground. Behind him, Lobo gave a low, sad whine.
“Please go.”
He raised his eyes. “I’ve done bad things. Most people would say that makes me a bad man. But—I could change. If I stopped dealing drugs, broke free of the people I’ve been working for, promised to go straight—would you give me another chance?”
“What do you mean?” I was hedging, scared.
“You know what I mean. I want to be with you.”
“I want to be with you, too,” I said in a rush. “But only if—well, it has to happen first. For real. I can’t just take your word for it, you know, that you’re suddenly all straight and honest. It has to be clear, to everyone, that you’re not a criminal anymore, or I lose my job.”
“Of course. Just give me a chance. That’s all I’m asking. I can’t just snap my fingers; there are people I have to deal with. And to get clear, really, I’d probably have to leave the state.”
“I’ll go with you,” I blurted without thinking about it.
Our eyes met. “What about your job?”
“The job’s not the most important thing. I’m not asking you to change just so I can keep my job!”
He nodded slowly. “I don’t want mine anymore. I didn’t used to care. It was easy money, so I did it, thinking it was my choice. But lately, especially since I found Lobo, I’ve started to change. I’d like to make a clean start. But, well, I’m so involved now, I can’t just walk away. I know too much, and there’s a history … There’s people who won’t want to cut me loose.”
“So what’s going to happen?” I asked, my stomach in knots. “Will they let you go?”
He gave a little shrug like it didn’t matter, but I saw from his eyes that he was scared as well as strong. “I’ll just have to make them. I have to, now—for you.”
I thought he would come forward and kiss me—I wanted him to—but he moved back toward the car instead, opening the door and snapping his fingers for Lobo before he looked around at me again.
“I’ll come back for you when it’s safe,” he said. He shut Lobo into the back and opened his door and got into the driver’s seat, and then he hesitated again, and gave me a long, burning look.
“I’ll come back to you as soon as I can, Katherine. I love you.”
I stared back at him through repressed tears, unable to say those words back to him, too choked up to say anything at all, although later my silence would haunt me, and I hoped he read in my eyes what I felt.
A WEEK DRAGGED slowly by. There were classes and meetings and other people to keep me occupied during the days, but in the evenings I was lonely and plagued by fears about what danger Cody was putting himself in for my sake. And I hadn’t even told him I loved him! Why hadn’t I rushed over and kissed him, at least?
Another, different fear also tormented me: the idea that Cody didn’t really love me, that he hadn’t meant what he’d said, that he’d just been playing with me, saying what he thought I’d believe, the way he’d told different people different versions of how Lobo had come into his possession. What if none of it was true?
Friday morning, as I stepped outside the trailer, turning toward my car, I found the wolf waiting for me.
He looked thinner and scrawnier than ever, his head hung down. He was visibly trembling, panting hard, seemingly on the point of collapse. Naturally I looked for some sign of Cody or his black SUV, but the shivering animal was my only early-morning visitor.
“Here, Lobo,” I said softly, patting my side. He came at once, pressing himself against my legs, sending the vibrations of his fast-beating heart through me.
Somewhere in the trees, a mockingbird sang, and there was the sound of a heavy vehicle grumbling away down the highway. I told myself that Cody could have paused beside my mailbox, just long enough to let Lobo out before making his escape … but then, I was sure, even if he’d driven away at top speed, the wolf would have gone chasing after his master’s car until his heart burst. And if Cody were able to command Lobo to go to me, surely he would have sent a note of explanation.
My hand, digging into the thick ruff of fur at the wolf’s neck, discovered no collar. Cody had told me he would never chain him, and the collar was for appearances only, always notched loose enough for him to slip his head through.
I knew then that something terrible had happened; Lobo had escaped, and come to me for help.
Taking him inside with me, I locked the flimsy door and called the police.
I stumbled through a story about finding a “dog” I thought belonged to a man named Cody Vela—at the mention of his name, I was put through to someone else who instructed me to tell him everything I knew about Mr. Vela and his associates.
I told him I didn’t know anything, I’d just seen him around, and when the dog turned up this morning, obviously upset, I was concerned …
He told me then that Cody had been murdered, but he couldn’t give me any details because it was part of an ongoing investigation.
“But you should be aware, that animal’s more wolf than dog. I advise you to call the county animal-control office and let them take care of it.”
Hearing that Cody was dead was a terrible shock. At least, it should have been, but somehow I couldn’t feel it. It didn’t seem real.
What was real, what I had to deal with immediately, was the weary, frightened animal that had come to me for help.
Of course I didn’t call the animal-control officer. Looking after his wolf was now the only thing I could do for the man I’d so briefly thought of loving and then lost. I made just one more phone call that morning, to the secretary in the English department, to say I was suffering from food
poisoning and my classes would have to be canceled. Then I devoted myself to my new responsibility.
We spent the weekend getting to know each other, and learning to trust. I was a bit apprehensive about letting him off the leash, in case he simply ran off and got lost, but he needed exercise, and taking him out to the Thicket where there was no one to stare or get scared, and no other dogs to hassle him, seemed the best option.
I’m a walker, not a jogger, and I knew I could never keep up with him the way that Cody could. Arriving in the same clearing where Cody had parked on the day we met, I let him out of the car and told him, “Go free!” He did. But as soon as he was lost to view in the shadowy depths of the forest, I got scared and shouted for him to come back. He reappeared within seconds, clearly alarmed by my alarm, and after that unpromising start, I had a hard time convincing him to leave my side so he could get the exercise he clearly needed.
It turned out that Lobo was even more worried about losing me than I was about him. He didn’t like to let me out of his sight. If I was in the trailer, he wanted to be there, too; if I was outside, he was happy to stay out, but not on his own. Eventually we reached a compromise: If the door to the trailer was open, he knew he could reach me, and so he became more relaxed about roaming around, exploring the area. At night, he stretched out on the floor of my bedroom, blocking the door with his body: If I decided to go anywhere, he’d know about it.
Just as he had with Cody, he was happy to jump into my car at any time, and willing to wait for me when I ran errands—at least, for a few minutes. I didn’t dare test his patience, knowing that if he got anxious or bored he could destroy the interior of the car I was still paying for. That first weekend, I never left him for more than the five minutes it took me to dash into a convenience store to pick up some food for us both.
By the end of the weekend, the wolf was part of my life, and I understood what Cody had felt. There was no hardship in adapting my habits to fit in with his; I wasn’t interested in a way of life that had no room for this wolf. I didn’t think twice on Monday morning; of course I took him with me.
Songs of Love and Darkness Page 12