by Bijou Hunter
“Why not now?” I asked, kissing his jaw.
“We should wait.”
“Are you not in the mood?” I asked, nuzzling his neck. Cooper took my hand and set it on the erection in his shorts. “Then, why wait?”
“It’s the sex, right?” he asked, frowning back at me. “Whenever we do it a lot, you have these nightmares. When we keep it to once or twice, you sleep fine. I figure we’ll wait.”
“Is it healthy for you to walk around like that?”
“I’m wearing my loose jeans, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I wouldn’t mind being close before we go.”
Cooper said nothing for a moment then sighed. “Last night was really bad.”
“It’s not only the sex. It’s the walls. You wanted them to come down and they are. Not everything you’ll see will be pretty.”
“I know,” he said softly. “It just breaks my heart to see all that terror in your eyes and know a little part of you is afraid of me.”
“It’s not you.”
Cooper said nothing for a few minutes and I started worrying. Finally, he ran his hand down the back of my hair as he spoke. After a false start, he forced out the words.
“There was this chick I knew from my freshman year. She was ra…sexually assaulted at a party.” When I immediately tensed in his arms, Cooper caressed my head again. “The guy was dealt with, but she was still messed up from what happened. She felt guilt and shame, but then she saw a therapist. Months after it happened, she seemed better. She was able to move past it enough to be happy. I’m not really into all that feelings crap, but maybe a therapist would help you?”
“Help me how? Get me to stop crying during sex?” I asked, angry to have him pushing me on something he knew nothing about.
Cooper suddenly loosened his grip and stared at me. The hurt in his eyes would have bothered me if I wasn’t so edgy already.
“Fuck you,” he muttered, nearly looking ready to cry. “How cold are you to say that?”
“Why are you asking me to see a therapist? I said we don’t talk about stuff in my family. I told you, but you want to fix me. First, you wanted the walls down then you don’t like what you see so you want to fix me. It’s all about you.”
“I love you,” he said in something between a growl and a whimper. “I love you and you look at me like I’m going to hurt you. Like I’m a monster. I see that fear and I want to fix things. I want you to be okay because you’re not. You’re damaged and not talking about it won’t fix anything. You think being a teacher and getting good grades will fix all this shit messed up inside you, but those are Band-Aids like not talking about it. You deserve to be happy.”
Pulling free, I moved to the other side of the bed and stared at him. He was right in some ways. Maybe in all of the ways, but I felt cornered, attacked even. He was judging me, calling me damaged. True or not, I wanted away from him.
Cooper watched me for a minute then something changed on his face. The pained and slightly angry expression was gone. I could almost see his big brain churning as the hardness on his face eased away.
“You’re mine, baby. No matter what you’ll always be mine. I just need you to be really happy. Not going through the motions or happy for anything you can get happy. I want you to be joyously fucking happy and you can’t be that way because you have all this pain you’re holding behind those walls. Hell yeah, I want them down. I want every part of you open to me, but that pain isn’t going anywhere.”
“My dad is a gambler,” I said, eyes on the wall and away from him. I just said the words without any thought behind them. Cooper needed something from me. To understand, I guess. He needed that and I needed him.
“A grifter too. He’s always stealing money to pay off his debts, but sometimes his cons don’t pay off in time. When that happened one time, he left town to find someone who owned him money. He told Mom if the people came around she should convince them that he was coming back with their money. If they wanted something to tide them over, she should give them her ring. My great-grandmother gave Mom the ring and she loved it. I didn’t think she wanted to give it up, but Dad told her she might have to because the people were dangerous.”
Pausing, I pretended Cooper wasn’t there. Also, pretended I wasn’t saying the words out loud. They were all in my head, safe from my heart. Just a bad dream to be forgotten when I woke up.
“The men showed up and they didn’t care about Mom’s excuses. Tawny was always so smart about people and I think she understood. She begged Mom to give them the ring. I remember thinking someone was attacking my mom because she started screaming and ran away. She ran down the hall to our room and locked the door. Even with her freaking out, I still didn’t understand what was happening. We were always owing someone money and hiding from people. It always worked out though.”
Looking at the light seeping in around the shades, I didn’t think as I continued, “Tawny understood. She was twelve, but she knew we were in trouble. She took out twenty dollars…” Pausing, I bit back tears. “She had worked around the motel and the manager gave her twenty dollars. She was so excited because we were going to Dairy Queen to eat dinner for my birthday. She had worked so hard for that money, cleaning up nasty stuff in the pool. She earned the money, but she offered the biker guys her twenty for collateral. That’s when I understood.”
Inching away from Cooper reflexively, I wasn’t even sure if he had moved towards me.
“Travis said what the fuck were they going to do with twenty dollars? Then, he said they needed real collateral. Even though he said that, the bastard still took her money. She worked so hard for those twenty dollars.”
Wiping the tears falling down my cheeks, I moved away from Cooper even more, leaving me pressed against the headboard.
“Dad came for us a week later,” I said, hearing Cooper exhale hard in response. “He paid the men and he took us back to the motel, but he didn’t have us come inside. He just grabbed our stuff and packed up the car and we left. We didn’t speak of my mom for years as if she never existed. Only when Dad started relying on my grandma’s money did he acknowledge how he was once married to her daughter. Otherwise, Mom was just a memory.”
After a long quiet minute, Cooper whispered angrily, “Why did you come here to live with that bitch?”
Finally, I looked at Cooper who stared at me with so much pain in those beautiful dark eyes. “They made it seem like it was the only way I could go to school. I needed my dream to come true so I came here. Maybe I also wanted my mom to know what she did hadn’t ruined me. How I had worked hard and turned out better than her.”
Cooper tried to touch me, but I flinched.
“Once, I tried talking about that week. Me and Tawny watched an Oprah episode and thought we could talk about it and be healthier or something. It was awful,” I said, my voice cracking. “It was like being back there again. As if all the showers couldn’t scrub away the smell. I never want to talk about it again. I don’t want to sit in an office with a stranger and make myself remember the way it felt.”
“Farah,” he whispered softly now, “you don’t have to do anything. I just wanted to help you and everyone was saying how Becky was helped by seeing a therapist.”
I wished I could go see someone, tell them what happened, and make all of the bad stuff disappear. Life didn’t work like that though.
After watching me for a few minutes, Cooper sighed. “I hate when you cry. I hate the look on your face when we’re together because I know you’re not with me really. You’re back there and scared and waiting for it to be over. I hate knowing I make you feel that way.”
“You make me feel other things too though. You make me feel like my body can feel things besides what it felt back then. You make me feel like I have a right to feel pleasure. Because of you, I feel like my body belongs to me more now. I know that makes no sense, but by choosing to give my body to you, I feel I’m not a ruined thing. I feel like I’m beautiful because t
hat’s how you see me. You look at me like I’m special and that’s why I don’t cry as much, but I do get scared. No matter how much I know I’m with you, some little part isn’t. Some little part is always back there, but that part isn’t as scared. Maybe therapy would help or maybe it would make me feel ruined again. I can’t take the chance when I’m starting to feel like a woman with power. Sometimes, when you touch me, it feels so good and I feel like I’m rejecting all the ugly stuff. Like I’m saying I have a right to feel good and not go back there. I feel that way because of you.”
Cooper’s scowl eased. “I might be a pig towards girls, but I always made them feel good too. It’s like a tradeoff. I’m a shitty boyfriend, but I’m a great lover. I’ll give them pleasure then toss them aside. Maybe that’s not a decent tradeoff, but it’s what I do. With you though, I love you more than anything and I can’t make you feel good.”
“You do.”
“Maybe, but it’s hard to know that when I see the fear on your face. You look at me like I’m hurting you and I feel like I should stop, but you want me to keep going. I feel guilty for enjoying your body.”
“I wish I could stop crying. I don’t know why it happens some times and not others. I don’t know how to control it. I just know I want to be with you.”
Cooper watched me as his fingers tapped at the bed. Finally, he said what was on his mind. “Tell me you don’t really think I want to fix you so I can have more sex.”
“I don’t,” I said, feeling guilty. “The only person I’ve ever trusted is Tawny and she knows not to push certain things. I know you want to help, but I can’t go back there. It seems like I already am, but it’s only in small doses. I can make myself forget most of it. I’m sorry I hurt you and I don’t really think that’s why you want me to get better. If it was, I wouldn’t have told you what I did. I never would have trusted you with even that much.”
“Can I sit closer?” Cooper asked and I loved him for being so careful.
“I feel dirty now, but once I have a nice shower then I can feel normal. Does that make sense?”
Cooper shook his head. “I don’t get it. I know I should, but I look at you and it’s so clear how you shouldn’t feel bad. Those fuckers should feel bad. Instead, you feel dirty. I don’t get it, but I’m trying.”
“Do you see me differently now?” I asked, lowering my gaze. “I want you to be honest.”
“I still want you, if that’s what you’re asking. I wanted you the moment I saw you. It was just lust then. When you messed with me that first night at Denny’s, I wanted you so fucking bad. Eventually, I needed you though. I know you’re damaged and I’ve fucked up, but we belong together. Nothing you say or do or anything that was done to you changes how you’re mine.”
Smiling, I glanced at the shower. “I’ll clean up and we can have lunch.”
Cooper shared my smile, looking relieved. “I’ll make you forget all about missing school and work. You’ll be too happy to feel guilty for blowing off that shit.”
Sliding off the bed, I walked to the bathroom with the plan of ridding myself of the dirtiness on my skin. I used the hottest water I could endure while scrubbing my body with Cooper’s body wash. Leaving the bathroom, I found Cooper staring at his hands. When he looked up at me, he searched my face for something then smiled.
“You are so hot wet.”
“We could still…”
“No,” he interrupted, standing up. “I’m hungry and we’re having a great day then I’m slobbering all over you. It’ll be amazing.”
“It sounds amazing,” I teased, kissing him before he disappeared into the bathroom.
“I’ll leave the door open so you can enjoy the view.”
Laughing, I dressed then took him up on his offer. I rested on the toilet seat and watched him lather up behind the clear shower door. Cooper grinned when he saw me smiling.
“You can’t know how difficult it is to be rational around you,” he said, still grinning.
Glancing down at his erection pressed against his belly, I sighed. “I think I do know. I should join you.”
“Don’t. If you cried right now, I’d feel like shit. Let’s just be happy for a while.”
Frowning, I crossed my arms. “Well, I’m not leaving the bathroom. Nothing out there is as sexy as in here.”
“Hell yeah,” he groaned. “Don’t tease though. I’m this close to turning the water to cold.”
“Or you could fix your problem.”
Cooper squinted at me. “Really?”
Pulling off my shirt, I lowered my bra. Standing closer to the shower door, I stretched. “Here’s your visual inspiration. I could lick my lips a lot if you think it’d help?”
“Fucking A,” he said, stroking himself. “Say my name.”
“Cooper,” I moaned softly, rolling my nipples between my thumbs and index fingers like he always did. “Oh, Cooper, I’m yours. I need you. I wish you were inside me, Cooper.”
His gaze held mine as I teased myself and he stroked his cock. I eventually just looked at where he worked himself closer to relief. Soon, I licked my lips while thinking about making him feel good using my hand.
While I didn’t know how long Cooper had been in a state of heat, it didn’t take him long to find relief. I doubted it would take him long to need more relief. To prolong his comfort, I immediately dressed and left the bathroom.
Cooper appeared buck naked a few minutes later and I wondered if lunch should wait. Somehow, I’d gotten myself into a state of heat.
“Some of it’s genetics,” he teased, retrieving boxers from his dresser. “The rest is hard work.”
“I have a response, but I don’t want you getting worked up again.”
“Give it five minutes and the memory of you touching yourself and… Fuck it, I didn’t need five minutes.”
We both laughed as he finished dressing in a white tee and faded jeans. His hands went absently to his short hair before he remembered he had nothing to fix up there. Shrugging, he shoved his wallet into his back pocket then reached his hand out for me. After we grabbed bottles of water, we headed down to his truck.
“Do you know how to drive?” he asked.
“Yes, but I don’t have my license.”
“Laws are for pussies. Here,” he said, handing me the keys. “I know what you’re thinking and a few dents won’t mean shit.”
Cooper got into the truck, leaned over to help me adjust the seat, and used his new proximity to kiss me like we had forever. With his directions, we arrived at the Italian restaurant’s rather packed parking lot. I wasn’t sure how to angle the large truck into a spot without wiping out a few smaller cars in the process.
“Scoot,” Cooper said, before disappearing out of the passenger door.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I slid over as he sat in the driver’s seat. Cooper threw the truck into reverse, angled the truck without paying much attention, and slid it neatly into an open spot.
“My hero,” I said, batting my eyes at him.
“Man, I love when you’re easy to please.”
“With the day we have planned, I think I’ll be very easy to please this evening.”
Cooper stared at me then let out an unsteady breath. “Too hot.”
Leaning over, he kissed me hungrily then started to pull away. Soon, his lips were back on mine as I wrapped my arms around his neck. When Cooper’s hand slid up my shirt and cupped my breast, I groaned so loudly nearby people likely heard.
“You’re actually horny,” he murmured, kissing my cheeks.
“Hell yeah.”
“Let’s eat before I have trouble walking,” he said, finally dislodging his hand from my shirt.
Grinning, I followed him out of the truck and we walked into the restaurant. Even busy, they found us a booth in the back. After we ordered, I inched closer to him.
“Why do you look upset?” I asked.
Cooper stared at the bread. “Last night, I thought I had lost you. I can’t shake t
hat feeling.”
“I’m right here,” I said, cuddled against him as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I had a bad dream and it wasn’t about you.”
“The way you looked at me though. I sat there with you staring at me in fear and I thought how could you ever love me again when you’re so afraid of me?” When I said nothing, Cooper sighed. “I lived my whole life without you and I was fine. I was happy even. Then, I meet you and it’s like an addiction. Like I can’t imagine you not being there every day with me. Just the thought of you leaving is fucking awful and I feel like nothing is worth shit. I need you in a way that you can’t understand.”
“I do understand,” I said, running my hand over his hard chest. “It’s just that I’m used to doing without so I’m better at hiding it. When I think of losing you, I feel like my life will be shit too.”
“You need me.”
“More than you can understand. I’ve only had one person who ever loved me in such a great way and she wasn’t able to give me everything. You have the power to make things beautiful for me and you love me enough to do that. I feel safer with you than ever in my life.”
Cooper smiled. “You deserve everything and I’d give it to you, if you let me.”
“Why would I stop you?”
“After losing you last weekend, I feel insecure. I’m not used to the feeling and it’s fucking annoying.”
“It’ll pass. We’ve only known each other a few weeks. In a month, we’ll have gotten over some of the early hiccups.”
“Hiccups? Last night…”
“Stop talking about it,” I said, sitting up and away from him. “I know it upset you, but I want to have a good day. I want to be here with you, not back in the panic of last night. I really don’t want to be back five years ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
Caressing his lips, I smiled. “You look so hot when you pout.”
“It’s why I do it, Farah. The whole thing is a con to reel you in,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“It so fucking worked.”
“I know, right?”
Laughing, we cuddled up and waited for our food.