Envy trembled and gathered her arms together.
“I don’t know if you’ve confided in anyone, other than me, but I suggest that if you have not, that now is the time. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to, let me know. I have a colleague who is a licensed clinical psychologist. You need to talk to somebody.”
“I have friends,” Envy replied.
“Good. I’m glad to hear that.” Casper stood up. “Well, I’ve got to get back to the courthouse. The trial I’m handling reconvenes at four o’clock. If you need to reach me, call and leave me a message and I’ll get back to you just as soon as I can. Oh, before I forget, the DA wants to talk to you to go over everything before he closes the case. Soon as he says he can meet with us, I’ll call you.”
Envy stood up too. Casper placed the flat of his hand at the small of her back and walked with her to his door. Envy turned around. “Thank you.” Tears streamed down her face.
Before he opened the door, Casper gathered her slender body inside his and held her for fifteen seconds or so until she regained enough composure to leave.
“I’m sorry about that,” she told him.
“No,” he shooed her off with the slight wave of his hand. “You’re going through a traumatic experience. It isn’t easy reliving the memories of the past, especially when those memories are nowhere near being pleasant. Take care of yourself, Envy. Okay?”
“I will, Casper. Thank you.”
Casper opened the door. Envy, without looking back, or acknowledging Casper’s assistant, walked off.
Envy sat inside her car and thought about what Casper Stephens had told her.
Envy began to think about Kacie and the decision she’d made to recommit her life to God. Since her decision that Sunday, Kacie appeared to be different. She was trying to be a better mother and a more loyal church member. But most of all, Envy believed Kacie had learned something she hoped one day she would learn—how to forgive herself.
Envy believed she should be happy now that she could move forward and stop hanging on to her past. Yet, she still felt a sense of lingering fear and she could not understand why.
She ruled against calling Kacie, and Layla was no one she wanted to confide in right now, for obvious reasons. She wanted to avoid talking to Layla as much as possible, because all Layla talked about was Tyreek.
She called her sister. “Nikkei,” she said in a humble voice, “I need to see you.” Envy waited for Nikkei’s response. If Nikkei didn’t want her crying on her shoulder, Envy was prepared to accept it. The way she had avoided a close relationship with Nikkei there was no way Envy could see herself being presented “a good sister award” by Nikkei.
“If you can come now, it’ll be fine. I don’t have to pick up the kids; they’re carpooling with one of the other mothers and won’t be here until after they finish soccer and dance practice.” Nikkei sounded upbeat and almost excited, which made Envy smile.
“Thanks, sis. I’m on my way.”
Envy arrived twenty minutes later and parked in Nikkei’s driveway. Before she could ring the doorbell or knock on the door, Nikkei opened it.
“Come in. You didn’t sound right on the phone.” Nikkei greeted her sister with a look of concern. When Envy stepped inside the foyer, Nikkei hugged her. Envy returned the show of affection. “Let’s go in the kitchen. I put on a pot of water so you can have a cup of coffee or hot tea, your choice.”
“Thanks. Tea sounds good.” Envy removed her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair, and then sat down. Nikkei had two cups, tea bags, instant decaf, cream, and stirrers on the table.
Envy didn’t wait to start talking. She believed if she didn’t tell Nikkei now, she would never have the courage to tell her about her past.
Nikkei remained quiet while Envy talked.
“You could have told me,” Nikkei said after Envy finished. “I’m your sister. Your only sister, at that. I don’t know why we never could really connect like sisters. I guess it was because I always felt like I had to compete against you for Momma’s affection, and to get friends. I couldn’t get the attention of boys because most of them only came to me to get advice on how to get next to you. I would have thought you were far too smart to get pregnant. But, hey, mistakes happen. I can’t say that I understand what was going on in your life. I mean, I couldn’t see myself leaving either one of my babies in a toilet, and never telling anyone.”
Nikkei poured her sister a cup of hot water and hung the raspberry tea bag on the inside to steep, and then sat down at the table across from her sister.
Envy felt miserable when Nikkei said what she said, but Nikkei quickly cleared it up with positive words.
“I’m sorry that you felt like you didn’t have anyone you could talk to back then, Envy. I wish you would have let me help you. I always idolized you, your beauty, your popularity, everything. I would have done anything to help you.”
“Nikkei, I never knew you felt like that about me,” Envy said, with a surprised look on her face.
“I’m just telling you what God loves—the truth.”
“You don’t know how much better I feel after confiding in you. I did tell Kacie and Layla, but just recently. And I hope you don’t get upset about that, but I was too ashamed to tell my baby sister how badly I messed up my life. I’ve been dealing with this for so long, Nikkei. I’ve felt so ashamed, so ugly, so evil, all of these years. Now that the attorney has told me that it’s all basically at an end, I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to walk away scot-free. I should be behind bars.”
“Stop it, Envy. You don’t deserve any such thing. Was it a terrible thing that happened? Yes, it was. But it wasn’t your fault. Your child was not born alive. God allows things for a reason, Envy. His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
“The years of fear and terror over my secret keep tormenting me, Nikkei. And now to hear the lawyer say that I’m free. I don’t know how to handle being set free.”
“Only God can help you, sis. Only God can give you the peace you desire. I’m here for you, but you need to be healed from the inside. His mercy and grace will never let you go. He won’t let you slip away. You don’t have to be afraid. Place your trust in Him. Ask Him to help you and give you what you need to move ahead with your life.”
Tears blinded Envy’s eyes. She wept aloud, rocking back and forth.
Nikkei got up and walked over to her sister. “Shh, it’s going to be all right,” she whispered as she knelt beside her. She wiped the tears from Envy’s face and stroked Envy’s hair and continued to reassure her.
Envy finally stopped weeping. She looked at Nikkei. “I love you, Nikkei. I’m glad I came here.”
“I’m glad you came too.” Nikkei hugged her. “God knows what He’s doing, Envy.” Nikkei returned to her seat. “You’re my sister, and I’m sorry for the way I’ve snubbed you most of our life. I had no idea the pain you were carrying. Hearing what happened to you back then hurts me now. And Stanton, whatever his name, walked out on you. I believe I understand why you didn’t confide in Momma.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I do,” answered Nikkei.
Envy was surprised to hear Nikkei say that she understood, but she was glad that she did. “I’m still afraid, Nikkei. I walk around pretending like my life is all put together, when it’s imploding. I can’t shake the awful memories. They keep crowding my mind. It’s like a door opens and no matter how hard I try to close it, the torment of what I did always kicks it back open, and I can’t get rid of all of the thoughts.” Envy wrapped her arms on the table and placed her head inside them.
“Let it go, Envy. I told you, you have to give this problem to God. It’s the only way, and I mean the only way you’re ever going to get through this. I’m sure you’ve heard or read the scripture that says, ‘Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things, which are behind, and reaching forth unto those t
hings, which are before.’ That’s what you’re going to have to do.”
Envy lifted her tear-filled eyes and looked at her sister. “I don’t know how to forget. My mind won’t let me. I should have kept it to myself. I shouldn’t have gone to a lawyer. I shouldn’t have told you, or Kacie, or Layla. I should have just kept it inside, like I’ve done all this time.”
“No, that’s what the enemy wanted you to do, so he could make you feel a little bit worse every day that you kept it bottled up inside. Don’t you see? Look where it’s gotten you. You’re a wreck about a mistake you made in the past. It took a strong person to step up and admit what you did. I admire you.”
“You? You admire me. Why?”
“For your strength. Now take that strength and mix it with the faith you know you have in God. It’s inside of you, Envy. God is ordering your steps. Stop trying to step to the other side. Let God be God. And another thing,” added Nikkei.
“What?”
“If there is any bitterness, anger, jealousy, anything you’re carrying that isn’t of God, now is the time to let it all go, so He can work in every area of your life. Look at the two of us.” Nikkei reached across the table and laid her hands on top of Envy’s. “Who would have thought that we would finally connect like we have? What the devil meant for bad, God is using it for your good, and mine too. You don’t know how much I’ve prayed to have a close relationship with you. I didn’t think it would come out of something that we deem as bad, but God doesn’t see it that way. Now that you’ve admitted what happened, don’t you know that healing is taking place?”
“You really think so?”
“I know so,” Nikkei said with total confidence ringing in her voice as tears streamed down her face.
Envy’s phone rang. She looked up at Nikkei. “It’s my lawyer.” Her hands shook when she pushed the talk button. “He-hello, Casper. I wasn’t expecting you to call this quickly. I thought it would be days, maybe weeks.”
Nikkei stared at Envy. Her hands were clasped together while her elbows rested on the table. Envy nodded and said, “Yes, uh-huh. No. Oh, I see. Yes. And thank you, Casper.” Envy uttered an inward gasp. “Thank you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow morning at ten. Buh-bye.” She bounced up from the chair. With a look like the breath had left her body, Envy screamed with shock and excitement. “He wants me to meet with him and the DA tomorrow! Everything should be completely over after that. Can you, will you, go with me, Nikkei? Please—”
“Girl, yes. That’s what sisters are for.”
They stood up and joined hands; like a carousel, they went around and around in circles in the middle of the kitchen floor.
~
The following rainy morning, Envy drove to Nikkei’s house and called her when she was in her driveway. “I’m outside,” she told her.
“Okay, I’m on my way out.” Nikkei came out the door and opened up her yellow ducky umbrella. The puddles of water forming on the walkway were no match for her pair of multicolor rain boots.
Envy leaned over to the passenger side and opened the door for Nikkei.
“Good morning,” Envy said.
“Hey, sis. How are you? Do you want me to drive?” Nikkei asked.
Envy paused a moment before she answered. “You know what? That may not be such a bad idea. I’m so nervous and it’s raining out here too. People drive crazy in the rain. Do you mind?”
“Get out and let’s change places right quick,” ordered Nikkei.
“All right,” said Envy, and the sisters exchanged seats.
“I want us to pray before we leave.”
“Thanks. I can use all the prayer I can get.”
Nikkei sent up a powerful petition to God, and the sisters headed downtown.
The hearing lasted all of half an hour. They went inside one of the courtrooms where the DA and presiding judge over that courtroom listened to Casper Stephen tell the events of what happened, including how Envy Wilson turned herself in.
At the end of the hearing, it was determined that based on the medical examiner’s autopsy report, along with the fact that Envy came forth, even if it was eighteen years later, there was no evidence that a homicide had been committed. It was also in the medical examiner’s report that there was no trauma to the stillborn. The judge did give Envy a strict tongue-lashing about the alternative she had after giving birth. Charges of desecration of a corpse or failure to report an incident were not brought up.
Envy hugged Casper Stephens and thanked him continuously for all he had done to help her through the ordeal that had tormented her all of her life.
“It’s time to release the self-guilt, self-condemnation, and the blame you’ve placed on yourself. I wish you the very best,” Casper told Envy.
“You too, Casper.” She hugged him tightly.
“May God bless you, Attorney Stephens,” commented Nikkei. “It was nice meeting you.”
Casper nodded. “And you as well. Now, ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have a case about to reconvene in Criminal Division VII. Envy, have a great day and an even better life.”
“Oh, I will. Buh-bye, Casper.”
“Keep in touch,” he said. “Good-bye.”
~
Casper Stephens disappeared in the sea of people. For a long time, he would remember the day Envy Wilson had walked into his office. She didn’t know it, but she had changed the course of his life. She made him want to put behind the issues with his own past and move forward in his life. Perhaps if they had met under a different set of circumstances, at a different time and place, he would have tried to make something happen between him and Envy. But the timing was way off. He still had too much of his own baggage that needed clearing out. At least, she’d shown him that he still had feelings and emotions.
In a weird sort of way, Envy reminded him of himself. He was so busy focusing on his past that he couldn’t move into his future, so he kept himself buried deep into his law practice. But no matter how many hours he worked, there were still those moments he felt himself alone, lonely and afraid of loving again. He couldn’t bare the anguish of lost love, or of hurting another human being the way he had hurt Lillie.
Then Envy Wilson came along. He’d long stopped being a religious man, but maybe, just maybe God brought her into his life for a reason. She was more than just another client. It was Envy who caused his eyes to open and see what he was doing to himself. He wasn’t living; he merely existed, going through the motions of life. When she walked into his office for the first time, his body and mind betrayed him. He did not know it at the time, but it was the dose of reality that he needed.
There was hope for him after all. Hope to have someone in his life again. It wouldn’t be with Envy, but it would be with someone—someone who would love him for the man he was. It was time for him to live and love again.
With each step Casper took toward the courtroom, he walked more confidently. There was someone out there just for him. For the first time in years, he believed it. It was just a matter of time. Casper was willing to open his eyes, his heart, and his mind. God had spoken to his heart through an unlikely source, and he had finally listened.
21
. . . And there is a time for every event under heaven. . . A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
Layla had been trying to reach Envy for two days, but Envy hadn’t returned her phone call or answered her text messages, so Layla called Kacie to see if she had talked to Envy.
“Kacie, have you talked to our wayward friend?”
“Girl, naw. Not in a few days. Why?”
“She called me the other day and left me a message. She said she went to Precious Cargo and she met Tyreek. I’ve been trying to reach her, but I keep getting her voice mail, and she’s not responding to my texts. I wanted to know what happened.”
“You know Envy, girl. It isn’t unusual for her to go ghost for a few days. She’s probably somewhere doing her thing with s
omebody.”
“I know, but I wish she hadn’t called and told me she talked to Tyreek. Now I’m anxious to know what happened.”
“You know Envy. She probably grilled the poor man. Have you talked to him? Has he said anything about talking to her?”
“No, I haven’t talked to him today. And yesterday I talked to him for a few minutes, but he was extremely busy. I’m sure he’ll call tonight and tell me what she said, but I wanted to hear from her first.”
“Sounds like you’re just going to have to exercise some patience. She’ll call, or he’ll tell you about it. Either way, you’ll probably know something later today.”
“Yea. Anyway, how are you?”
“Girl, I’m wonderful. I feel great. The kids are good.”
“I’m glad, Kacie. You are really making a one hundred and eighty degree turn in your life. It’s amazing.”
“It is. And I plan on not looking back.”
“Good for you. Well, I’m going to let you go. I’m going to straighten up my kitchen and then chill.”
“All right. I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and be sure you let me know when you hear something.” Kacie laughed into the phone.
“You know I will. Buh-bye.”
“Bye,” replied Kacie.
Layla hung up the phone. She texted Envy instead of calling this time and asked Envy to call ASAP. Several minutes later, Envy texted back and said she was with Nikkei, which was surprising to Layla, and that she would call her as soon as she could.
Layla washed her glass, plate, and fork. Afterward, she retreated to the den, pulled off her shoes, and lay back on her modern sea blue sofa. She propped both her feet on the matching ottoman. With her head resting comfortably against the soft fabric, she dozed off, only to be awakened by the sound of her cell phone ringing. Still in a half-sleep state, by the time she got up to follow the sound of the phone, it had stopped. Layla walked to the kitchen and found the phone on the countertop next to the stainless-steel microwave. Dennis’s name and number were on the screen as a Missed Call. “Lord, I hope he’s not calling to try to get back with me.”
True Beauty Page 18