F: Freely given (free from pressure, influence, or threat). Consent should always be freely given. If you feel pressured or feel like someone is forcing you or trying to convince you to do something you don’t want to do, then you are not freely giving consent. You should be excited to do the activity, not reluctant!
R: Reversible (consent yesterday doesn’t mean consent today, and people can change their mind whenever they want). That’s right, you can say “yes” to a certain sexual activity and then change your mind and never do that activity again, or you can decide to skip that activity and do something else instead. Guess what? You can even change your mind in the middle of a certain sexual activity and ask your partner to stop, and they need to listen to you.
I: Informed (people know what they are agreeing to with all the information they need before saying yes—this also means sober and awake). Yes, you read that right—sober. Sober means that everyone involved understands what is going to happen, can talk about what they want and don’t want, and can inform the other person when they want to stop.
E: Enthusiastic (sexual consent should be given happily, where both people are into it and feel good about it). An enthusiastic yes is the best yes!
S: Specific (consent for each act, each time). Yep. Each and every time.36
Here are some ideas of ways to get consent:
Do you like it?
How does this feel?
I really want to_________, what do you think?
CAN SOMEONE CHANGE THEIR MIND EVEN AFTER THEY AGREED TO HAVE SEX?
Absolutely. Sex should only happen if both people want it to happen. A person has the right to change their mind at any time, including when they have already agreed to sex or when they have already started having sex. If a person says no, they must be respected, and all sexual contact should stop immediately.
Consent is how a person knows if their partner feels comfortable and is into, or engaged with, the sexual experience. Every relationship should include respect. So making sure that both partners want to have sex, every time, shows respect for each other. Getting and giving consent to sex can look different for different couples, so figuring out what works for you and your partner(s) is equally important. Keep in mind that just because a person said “yes” one time (or hundreds of times) doesn’t mean they will say “yes” the next time. Sometimes people may feel tired, stressed, or just not that into it—and the only way to know for sure is to ask them!
For foxy ways to ask for consent, Click Here!
Rape is sex without consent. Any time a person forces another person to do anything sexual that they do not want to do, it is sexual assault, which can include rape. Sexual assault can happen to any gender, by any gender. It is never okay if anyone makes a person do something sexual that they do not want to do. Even if a person seems “turned on,” that does not mean they want to have sex. An erect penis or a wet vagina doesn’t mean a person wants to do the activity—this is just a natural bodily reaction, and reactions are not consent. All boundaries should be respected, every time.
HOW DO I TELL MY PARTNER NO?
It’s important to say what you want and don’t want when it comes to sexual activity. Some people find it empowering to say no, and other people may feel anxious about it or avoid it. Practicing how y you say “no” in different scenarios can be really helpful. “Can you please stop,” “I’m not comfortable with this,” or, “No, that’s not what I want right now,” are all clear ways to let your partner know you want them to stop. Sometimes saying “no” means stopping what you’re doing all together, deciding not to move forward, or taking a step back. If you want to say “no” but you need a little extra time to figure out how to say it, you can buy yourself some time by using a delay tactic. Excusing yourself to the bathroom or stepping out to make a phone call can put things on pause until you’re ready to talk. Just remember, you deserve to have your boundaries respected and you have every right to say “no,” even if it’s to someone you care about. If someone violates your boundaries or you need some extra help, check out the Wrap Up section for some additional resources.
If someone says no to you, whatever activity is happening needs to stop immediately. It is not okay to continue, to try to get them to change their answer, or to threaten them. It is always important to respect your partner’s boundaries.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF SOMEONE PRESSURED YOU TO HAVE SEX?
It is never okay for anyone to pressure a person to have sex. In fact, it’s against the law. Everyone deserves to have a partner that respects their boundaries. If someone is trying to pressure you, you have the right to leave the situation. What they are doing is wrong, and you do not have to do anything you don’t want to do. If someone is pressuring you or has not respected your boundaries, finding a trusted adult or counselor to talk with can be really helpful. A trusted adult can help you form a plan for what to do next. Some trusted adults may want to just talk about what happened, others may want to make a police report. Just remember, because forcing someone to have sex is illegal, a police report may need to be made (depending on what happened, the person’s age, and the state laws). No matter what you choose, know that it is not your fault.
There are many people beyond police officers who can help you report abuse. Depending on the state you live in, some people’s jobs may even require them to report any abuse of a person under 18.
Making out can feel really good, and can be sexually arousing. Sometimes when something feels good, it’s hard to stop. Think about when you’re eating your favorite type of cookie—it can be really hard to stop eating them, right? Knowing and deciding what you are and aren’t comfortable doing sexually before you start making out can help you know when to slow down. If you find yourself in a situation and you’re feeling confused, you can always stop touching and kissing to think about what you want to do in that moment. Take a minute to think—you can even say you need to go to the bathroom to give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do. It can also be hard to tell someone “no” if you like them because you worry about hurting their feelings. But your feelings and boundaries are just as important as theirs; and no one should make you feel like your boundaries are not important.
Who hasn’t had a moment where they think, “What am I doing? Why did I say ‘yes’ to this?” (Like that date where you went rock climbing but you’re afraid of heights.) Having a crush can make us do some silly things and push us out of our comfort zone. When you want someone to like you, or you want to impress them, it can be hard to think clearly because of all the adrenaline and hormones flying around inside you, especially when those feelings are exciting and feel good. It might also be hard to say “no” if you don’t want to make the other person upset, or if you’re not sure what sexual activities you’re comfortable with. So when you say “yes” to a sexual activity, you should make sure you know what you’re getting in to. You should also know how to stay safe while taking new sexual risks. Wow, that’s a lot to consider. Thinking about what you are or are not comfortable with before diving head first into a new relationship can be really helpful in being able to stick to your boundaries.
Remember, it is always okay to say “no!” And when you say, “no,” you deserve to be respected. Of course, when you say “no,” your partner might get upset or frustrated. And that’s okay too. But, if someone gets mad when you say “no” and makes you feel unsafe, leave the situation immediately if you can and consider calling someone for help. (If you feel like you are in real danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.) If you are talking about a partner that just gets frustrated or annoyed when you say “no,” remember that you deserve to always have your boundaries respected. If they care about your needs as much as they care about their own, your partner might get mad, but they will get over it and show you the respect you deserve. Stay true to you. If your partner does not get over feeling frustrated, and does not show you respect and kindness, you might want to consider whether this is the best relationship
for you. Either way, don’t change your mind because someone gets mad at you.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU GET A NUDE?
Whoa, maybe you didn’t expect to see that! Some people send nude pictures out of the blue, and some people might try and send them as a way of flirting. No matter what, if a person receives a nude and that person is under the age of 18, it is against the law. If the person in the picture is under 18, it is also against the law. And guess what, forwarding that picture (even to your best friend) is against the law. If you get a nude, your best bet is to talk with a trusted adult immediately to stay safe.
Sometimes it’s called sexting when people send naked photos. But remember, you can’t control what happens to those pictures after you push send. Any time you send something or post online, it’s a good idea to think about who might see it, what’s going on in the post, and whether there’s anything in the post that could feel uncomfortable to you or someone else.
IF TWO PEOPLE ARE DRINKING, DOES THAT MEAN THEY CAN’T HAVE SEX?
Being sober ensures that people know what they are saying yes to and their judgment isn’t clouded. Remember consent and FRIES (Click Here)? To be able to enthusiastically consent to a sexual activity, people should be able to understand what they are saying “yes” to. This is not always possible when people are drunk or high. Not to mention, depending on the state you are in, it may be against the law! And remember, in every state, drinking alcohol or using recreational marijuana under the age of 21 is also against the law.
DO MEN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WOMEN BECAUSE THEY WANT IT OR THEY’RE DRUNK?
Power, control, and insecurity are some of the reasons why people, not just men, might take advantage of another person, or cross another person’s boundaries (more examples of how people abuse power and control are on the wheel below). Some people say that being drunk makes them do things they wouldn’t do normally. Whatever the reason, it’s no excuse. It’s never okay to cross someone’s sexual boundaries.
HOW CAN I ASK FOR CONSENT SO THAT IT IS NOT AWKWARD?
Asking for consent can be comfortable (and even sexy!). Knowing that you and your partner are both okay with what’s going on can help you feel more relaxed and confident so that you both enjoy it more. Consent is as easy as asking someone if they want to do something, or if they’re good with what is happening. It does not have to be a long conversation, but it does have to happen.
Sexy Suggestions:
Do you want to go do ________?
How would you feel if I did ________ to you?
Does that feel good?
Do you like that?
Are you okay?
It can be difficult to tell from far away if someone is giving another person consent or not. A person refusing consent could look like a person pulling away and looking uncomfortable, a person being unconscious or drunk, or a person verbally telling someone “no” and/or even pushing them away. Sometimes it might feel awkward to step in, but if what is happening is making you uncomfortable, or if you know it’s wrong, it’s important to check in with the person and make sure they are okay. If the situation isn’t safe, go get help. This is called bystander intervention.
Tips for intervening as a bystander:37
Be direct. Ask someone who looks like they may need help if they’re okay or if they need any help.
Get someone to help you if you see something.
Get in the way by creating a distraction, drawing attention to the situation, or separating them.
WHAT DOES THE LAW SAY ABOUT CONSENT?
Every state has a different law about consent. If you want to know your state’s law, you can find it here: https://apps.rainn.org/policy/. Some states have laws about how old a person has to be to give consent, how old their partner has to be, and/or the relationship between partners. It is important that before a person starts a sexual relationship they know the laws and how those laws can affect their decisions.
No, really, the laws are really different for each state. For example, all states have an age of consent, but some states also have rules about how big a gap there can be between partners’ ages when they are underage. Whereas other states have rules saying people under a certain age can’t consent to any sexual activity no matter how old their partner is.
WRAP UP
You did it! You got through all the questions in this book! Or you just flipped to the back and started reading—either way, we are thrilled. Answering questions is the best part of our jobs at ICYC. ICYC makes sure that the information people actually want gets to them when they need it. While the questions we put in this book cover a lot of information, we know we couldn’t answer everything. So below you will find a few extras to help connect you even further to answers and support.
First, you will find some conversation starters. It’s likely you noticed that we kept telling you to go talk with people—trusted adults, friends, and partners. You might be thinking, “How do I do that? What would I say?” Those are great questions to be asking yourself, and this next section is for you. If you’re still feeling like you need more support, you can always text “ICYC?” to 57890 or visit our Instagram page @incaseyourecurious.
After the conversation starters, you will see links for resources that relate to all of the chapters of the book. These links can help continue the learning started here. Finally, the book ends with a glossary, so if there were any words you didn’t know in the book, or if you just want to explore terms related to sexual health, go and take a look.
So now you’re finishing up your ICYC book experience. What’s the big takeaway? ICYC wants you to remember, even if it’s the only thing you remember, you deserve to have your questions answered, and we are here for you. Thanks for reading, and text us any time.
CONVERSATION STARTERS:
How do I talk to my parent or guardian?
“So I was wondering if we could talk and I could ask you about my relationship.”
“Hey, Dad, I have a question about my period and I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone but you.”
“Well, this is uncomfortable but I want your opinion, how do I know when I’m ready to have sex?”
How do I talk to my partner?
“It’s really important for me to feel like my partner cares about me, so I like to talk on the phone together once a day. Does that work for you?”
“I know we’ve been hanging out a lot. I really like you and wanted to know if we could start being exclusive?”
“I really care about our relationship, and I need you to know that I don’t like it when you assume every time we see each other that we are going to have sex.”
While texting may be your favorite way to check in with someone, it’s best to have the big conversations face-to-face. No one likes to get the “We should talk” text.
How do I talk to a doctor?
“I know you do this for a living, but it’s hard for me to talk about my body. Can I ask you about how to do a breast exam?”
“I want to make sure I understand correctly, can you tell me how this medicine works again?”
“I’m pretty nervous about this exam. Can you talk me through everything you’re going to do?”
Talking about pregnancy:
“Hey, so I wanted to ask you how you would feel if we were to get pregnant?”
“Do you feel like you’re ready to be a parent?”
“I am ready to have sex but I don’t want to have a kid, what would we do if we got pregnant?”
Conversations about pregnancy, pregnancy prevention, and STI prevention are best had before people have sex.
Talking about LGBTQ+/ Identity:
“I actually use they/them pronouns.”
“I’m so glad you felt comfortable telling me that, I want you to know I support you and respect your privacy.”
“I understand that you’re curious, but I don’t feel like explaining my identity right now.”
Remember that an important part of health care is finding a doctor
who respects and understands your needs. Check out this link for steps to finding an LGBTQ+ supportive health care provider: http://www.thecentersd.org/pdf/health-advocacy/how-to-find-and-lgbt-friendly.pdf.
Talking about testing:
“Before we have sex, I wanted to know if you have any sexually transmitted infections?”
“When was the last time you got tested?”
“I was thinking we could go get tested together, what do you think?”
Talking about birth control:
“I know I’m not ready for a child, so how are we going to protect ourselves from pregnancy when we have sex?”
“Since we both don’t want an unexpected pregnancy, I think we should share the cost of birth control.”
“I think we should use a condom even though I’m on the pill because it protects against STIs.”
Talking about sex:
“I’m not ready to have sex yet. How can I show you that I care in another way?”
“What are you comfortable with doing right now?”
“Before we have sex, I want to be clear that you’re not my only partner.”
ANATOMY LINKS:
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/female-repro.html
Teen-friendly site that explains anatomy for a person with a vagina. Includes slide show with drawings and labels. Available in English and Spanish.
In Case You're Curious Page 9