Go to sleep.
I close my eyes.
A soft laugh, pale-green eyes peering up at me from below, a warm floral scent trailing over me, velvet skin sliding against mine, soft lips tasting me.
Alexis.
My eyes fly open again and my heart pounds in my throat instead of my chest. Because my stomach is in my chest. And I feel like I might throw up.
XXIX
Alexis
I’m fine.
Monday morning comes in the blink of an eye. I put on extra makeup to hide the shadows under my eyes and skip breakfast. I’m not hungry, anyway.
I sit behind my desk and try to not glance at my open door and toward the hall. But somehow, though he comes in later than usual, I still manage to catch a glimpse of him as he passes my door. My stomach lurches sideways. He doesn’t glance at me, not that I expect him to.
We have a department head meeting later in the morning. I make my greeting general and keep my words clipped. This is nothing unusual. I’m not known to be warm or social in the office.
Leo sits right beside me and at first that surprises me, until I realize it gives him less of a reason to have to look at me. He faces Tom, who sits on the other side of me. Scott, the CFO, sits on the other side of Leo. The meeting goes along per usual with nothing noteworthy.
The time comes when I need to address Leo. I look right at him, but shift my sights somewhere toward his ear when I speak. I can focus on forming words as long as I don’t look him in the eyes.
He responds to me the way he normally would as we discuss what’s on the agenda for the new year, when the office reopens after the holidays. We look away the moment it’s appropriate to do so. When the meeting concludes, no one lingers behind in the conference room. Lunchtime comes and goes. I feel an ache in my stomach, but the thought of food only nauseates me. I eat a granola bar and chug down a bottle of water instead.
I’m fine.
At the end of the day, I go home and remove only my shoes before crawling under my covers. I pull them over my head and try to sleep. I’m beyond tired, but sleep doesn’t come. Only thoughts that I try to beat down with a bloody axe.
I haven’t looked at my phone all day. It’s somewhere at the bottom of my purse and I couldn’t reach it if I tried. I can’t seem to be able to move. My limbs feel heavy and my body sinks into my mattress like it’s quicksand.
At some point, my doorbell rings.
Go away.
It rings again after a long pause. Then again. I pull my pillow over my head.
Go away.
It stops. Or maybe the pillow muffles the sound. At any rate, I can’t hear anything. I close my eyes and take long, deep breaths.
Go to sleep.
“Alexis Cameron Stone!”
A familiar voice scolds me and quick hands yank the pillow from over me.
Emily is standing next to my bed. What the hell is she doing here? I’m not expecting her until Christmas Eve. Wait, what day is it?
“Why didn’t you answer the door? I had to dig into my purse for fifteen minutes to find your stupid spare key.”
I stare at her. Something is off about her; I can’t put my finger on it. I open my mouth to speak but her tirade of questions reach me first.
“Are you sick? What’s going on with you?”
I grab the pillow and pull it over my head again. I don’t know why it feels like a good idea. It just does. From the warmth and darkness the pillow provides, I can answer her.
“I’m just tired. What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you were driving down Christmas Eve.”
I hear her muffled voice, “I quit my job.”
Eyes wide, I sit up.
She smiles. “Thought that would get your attention.”
“Damn it, Emily.” I rub my eyes; there’s a headache creeping in. “That’s not funny. You scared me.”
“I wasn’t kidding. I did quit my job.”
I critique her appearance. I realize her hair is slicked back into a bun. She’s wearing a suit. This is the first time I’ve seen her dressed this way, dressed for work. Suddenly, my fatigue melts away and is replaced by incredulity.
“Why the hell would you quit your job?”
“Technically I got fired. But only because I told a client to go fuck himself so...let’s just go ahead and pretend I quit.”
I am looking at her with my mouth parted.
“You told a client to go fuck himself?”
“Well, I’m mostly paraphrasing, of course. But yeah, that’s the gist of it.”
“Emily…” I shut my eyes for a few seconds. Part of me wants to scold her. She’s been through so much, overcome heaps of bullshit to get to this point in her life...the finish line, only to fall down because of her big mouth.
When I open my eyes again, I see the disappointment she is trying to keep out of her expression. And I realize she is already beating herself up. I remind myself, not for the first time, that I am not her mother. I am her sister.
I reach out to hug her. She lets me, but she doesn’t hug me back. She’s never been one for hugs, even from me, but I tighten my hold on her because the hug is mostly for me.
“I’m sorry you got fired and had to quit. But if you told that client where to shove it, he probably deserved it.”
She shrugs. “Not my finest moment. Not my worst, either. But, anyway, I can’t exactly take it back. I needed to get the hell out of San Francisco for a bit. I thought you wouldn’t mind me coming a bit early...eating your food...wearing your clothes.”
“Of course I don’t mind. You can stay as long as you want.”
I see a strange expression cross her face. There’s something she’s not telling me. I’m about to ask her about it when a loud noise comes from my stomach. It’s a long growl that causes Emily’s eyes to dart to my belly.
“Lex, when’s the last time you ate?”
I bite my lip and my eyes dart toward the ceiling, honestly trying to remember. “Lunchtime...yesterday. No wait—I had a granola at noon.”
“Noon? It’s seven o’clock at night.”
I squint at my watch. “Really?”
Emily pushes me back down on the bed.
“I’ll go make you some food. You’ve got exactly twenty minutes to finish this little dark emotional episode you’ve got going on here. And then you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on.”
XXX
Leo
Monday is hell.
I’m tired and in a terrible mood. I can barely think with the ache clinging over my body from a combination of lack of sleep and whatever it is I’m coming down with.
Last night I was angry, but by the middle of the night, the anger edged away to fear, the fear that I’ve made a huge mistake. I set out to prove to her that we could be something real, then I hurled out permanent words in response to a temporary frustration. I’ve hurt Alexis exactly the way I told her I wouldn’t. And now I’ve lost her for good. Because even if I could take my words back—which I can’t—I still don’t know how to have her the way I want. If she was scared to let me in before, she has even less of a reason to now. I fucked up big time.
What now? How do I tell her I never had a chance? I never even considered putting up walls to her. And I left myself wide open. Somewhere between a night sky and a salty breeze, the pounding in my chest synced to the sounds of her breathing. Permanently. I realized it that night but I didn’t quite understand it. I’m in love with her.
All my bullshit denial about not wanting a relationship with anyone wasn’t because I was scared of the possibility. It was because I didn’t expect to find someone I would even want it with. I want it with her. More than anything. No. I don’t just want her, I want a life with her. I’m willing to give her whatever she wants. Of course, the realization is too little, too late.
How can I ever begin to convince her of this? The answer is that I can’t.
Alexis keeps her heart lodged in the confines of her mind, surround
ed by a thirty-foot iron fence. She refuses to let anything get close. For a moment in time, she dropped her guard to let me get closer. The second she got scared, the fence soared back up. I don’t even know if I managed to reach her before she shut me out again. All I know for sure is she made a dent in me. I guess that’s what she wanted all along, to be with someone without having to get too close. Because as much as she says to the contrary, I can sense how badly she wants to connect with someone.
When things between us started, I pretended I didn’t want anything more when all along I did. The way Katy pretended with me. I guess I deserve this, after everything that happened between Katy and me. I deserve to fall in love with someone who simply isn’t capable of loving me back.
Karma, full circle.
Monday drags along in half-second intervals. All I can think of is her and yet I simply can’t bring myself to face her. Maybe I’m a coward, but I’m sure one wrong look from her will shatter me. And she definitely won’t want me then, spread on the floor at her feet.
There’s simply no fight in me today and I think that maybe I don’t even deserve her.
I’m trapped in the purgatory of my thoughts because I tell myself it’s the only place I can have her.
XXXI
Alexis
That night, I tell Emily everything. Well, most of everything. I obviously don’t go into detail about all the sex we had, but I’m sure she can read that between the lines. She listens in silence, nodding every so often to show that she’s keeping track. She doesn’t speak until I fall completely silent.
Even then, she chews on a piece of bread that she smothered in pasta sauce for a moment. “Shit, Lex. I’m sorry. I knew you liked him too much. I can’t believe he broke up with you. I thought for sure you’d be the one to end it.”
I cringe at the words. I haven’t even heard them in my own head. He broke up with me.
“Why did you guess that?”
“I didn’t want to tell you in case I was missing something. But that night we were at the hospital for Julia’s surgery, I sort of peeked over at his phone when he got a text message. It had jealous girlfriend written all over it.”
“What did the message say?”
“It was some chick demanding to know if he was fucking someone else. Since you were standing right in front of us, I figured it couldn’t have been from you.” She gives me a crooked grin, trying to soften the blow of her words.
I bury my face in my hands. “This is embarrassing. Why do I never get the chance to walk away first? It wasn’t even supposed to be anything. He was the one that wanted more. And for what?”
“That turd. Fuck him.”
When the moment fades away into a lull, Emily sets down her fork and says, “At least you got laid.”
“Yeah, but now I’m just as fucked as I was before.”
“Pun intended?”
“I guess.”
“How’s he behaving at work?”
I shut my eyes for a second. I see images of him flash past the inside of my lids. My mind has been secretly archiving any contact I’ve had with him today, however remote. Him walking by my door. Quick nods when I address him. Short, concise conversations in the conference room.
“He seems fine. He seems like...nothing ever happened between us.”
I blink a few times in quick succession and preoccupy myself with twirling my fork in the plate.
“So what was that girl doing there?”
“He said she just showed up. And he denied anything happened and...I believe him.” I hide my face behind my hands. “I sound like an idiot even talking about it. I feel like an idiot. I am an idiot.”
“You were an idiot. Past tense.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel better.”
“But seriously, are you okay? Is it as bad as Jeremy?”
Her words take me off-guard. “I—I mean, how can it be? Jeremy and I were married. I’ve only known Leo for a few months.”
“That’s not really an answer.”
I shake my head too earnestly. “I thought for a minute that maybe Leo and I could be something. I found myself wanting us to be something...but then this...” I pause and bite my tongue to keep myself from going off in a sideways tangent. “I’m glad it ended before I got too attached. I think it’s mostly my pride that’s hurt.”
Emily doesn’t say anything, but I don’t like the way she looks at me. As though my words mean the opposite of what I’m saying. She looks tired and sad, but changes the subject to more cheerful things. Maybe because she sees the way my eyes begin to glisten and dealing with feelings always makes her uncomfortable. Just as uncomfortable as they make me.
Anyway, I’m fine.
XXXII
Leo
On Tuesday, I should be worse. I should sink further into my hopelessness. But somehow, I’m better. I crawl through the doubt that she was never mine and emerge on the other side with a trickle of hope rising up within me.
She will always be mine. Even if I never get to touch her again. She is ingrained in me. I’m going to convince her that this, what I feel for her, is real. That what we can have is not only real, but worth fighting for. I’m going to fight for her. A woman like Alexis can’t be wasted on a man that crumbles easier than a scrap of paper. If I want her, I have to earn her.
It’s early afternoon when I go to her office and knock on her door. She’s kept it closed since Monday morning and I’ve overheard people commenting on how strange that is. Of course, I’m the only one that knows she’s barricading herself from me.
She doesn’t answer and I think for a moment she’s not in there. But when I try the doorknob and find it unlocked, I walk inside and see her behind her desk. My entrance seems to startle her because she lets out a noticeable gasp when she sees me. It’s like the sound of the door opening broke her out of some trance she was in.
She gets to her feet as the door closes behind me. Her features harden by the second, in a way that reminds me of what I’ve done. As if I could forget.
“What do you want?” she asks, in a tone I don’t even recognize from her. A harsh tone I would expect her to use in a hostile situation. She looks at me, scathing, like I’m a stranger who’s invading her personal space.
I put my hands in my pockets because they want so badly to touch her.
“I made a mistake—”
She puts up a hand to interrupt me. “Leo, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once. You and me, we have nothing to talk about, outside of work. Do you understand?”
I can sense the way being here, in the office, empowers her. This is the castle she’s built and it’s fortified by her pride. This is her fortress and I can’t get through to her here.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?”
Her lips are a thin line and her chest rises slowly but noticeably in heavy, agitated breathing. She points to the door. “Get out.”
XXXIII
Alexis
I’m not fine.
It’s strange how everything around me is in the exact same place it’s always been. Nothing in my physical environment has changed. The paintings on my wall, the clock over my door, my desk, my keyboard, my chair, my things. They’re all where they ought to be, yet everything feels foreign.
It’s like I've been dropped in the middle of someone else’s life and I’m trying hard to connect with it, trying hard to remember what I’m supposed to be feeling and why.
Leo is in his office right now. I’m in mine. This is nothing unusual. He is right down the hall, right where he used to be back when I looked forward to falling into his arms at the end of the day. How is it that this physical space between us suddenly makes us strangers? In the blink of an eye, the moments we shared evaporate like they were nothing at all.
What took months to build turned to dust so easily. And his words blew it all away.
Yes. We’re done.
Words that now sound so cold and clinical. Words like a surgeon cutting in
to a living thing, extracting what is broken or doesn’t belong. Until nothing is left to threaten the life but the emptiness and the scars marking the places where those things used to be.
I think a guy like him can do some real damage.
Emily was right when she said those words.
I can’t help but wonder why it is, that the more people I grow close to in my life, the more alone I feel. Is it impossible to care about something without surrendering parts of yourself to it? Or is it just me? Is that why I feel so empty? Have I run out of parts to give and now there’s nothing left at all?
Maybe whatever I used to be is now just scattered pieces, living in every single thing I’ve ever allowed myself to love. God knows I keep trying, but I just don’t know how not to care.
I’m falling apart.
XXXIV
Leo
By Wednesday, I’ve reversed into a strange sense of confidence, despite the fact that she seems utterly detached from me. A certainty comes out of nowhere, vines growing between a crack in a sea of pavement, enveloping it in green life.
She will be mine again.
I could grovel at her feet, I could promise her the sun and everything its light can reach, but it wouldn’t mean a thing. I broke things off and, in the process, confirmed everything she ever feared. The only way to get her back is to provide her with certainty. Of my feelings for her, of our future together. Certainty that there isn’t anyone else but her. Just her. Only her. Always her.
Assurance is the hardest thing to give someone who’s already been given the ultimate promise, marriage, only to have it yanked away again. It’s not like I can get on bended knee and make her those promises again. That isn’t the way into Alexis’ heart. She doesn’t want to ride off into the sunset. She can’t trust something is really there at the horizon and that the ground doesn’t, instead, plunge downward.
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