He’s not my boyfriend, I’m not his girlfriend. Maybe one day in the future, but definitely not so soon after I’ve left Chris.
But the fact of the matter is, I have left Chris, we are over and even though the future terrifies me, I’m not going back. Chris wasn’t good to me but that doesn’t mean he deserves what I did.
As soon as Mason drops me back at Maya’s after a very sweet breakfast together, I pick up my phone to call him. Chris, not Mason.
I have to be honest with him, or not honest… I don’t know. This is so hard.
I move to my bedroom in the large apartment which is empty. I guarantee Maya and James are at work. I can’t wait to start work myself, keep busy and all that.
The phone rings and rings, I’m about to hang up when I hear a grumbled, “Summer?”
“Hey,” I whisper softly, gripping the quilt on my bed with a tight hand. “How are you?”
He pauses and I wonder if he’s about to hang up. “I’m okay, I guess. You?”
He guesses? What does that mean?
“Yeah, I’m good. It’s weird hearing your voice.” It’s easier when I’m not talking to him, I just decided. This is so fucking hard. Hearing his voice brings back all of the fond memories I have of him and I want to cry. I love him so much. “I miss you.”
Why did I say that? Of course it’s true but I should not have said it.
“Christ… Summer… I miss you too,” he replies on a breath and I place my hand over my mouth so I don’t scream.
“You do?” I cry, sniffling.
“I guess I didn’t realize how much shit you actually did for me. The house is a mess. Can’t remember the last time I ate fruit.”
“You should really get your five a day.”
He chuckles softly. “So you keep telling me.”
Oh my God. I’m about to break him, aren’t I?
“I need to tell you something,” I whisper so quietly I’m not sure he can hear me. “Because I don’t want you to hear it from anybody else.”
He blows out a breath. “Now I’m scared. What is it?”
Tears rest against my lower lashes before leaking from the corners of my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You already did that, Summer.”
“I know but… I don’t know if I should tell you.”
His tone is dark and growly. “Tell me what?”
“I’m scared.”
“Of me?”
“Of hurting you.”
He inhales sharply. “What have you done?”
“I… Chris, it’s… I don’t know how to say it.”
“Just fucking say it!”
I flop back onto my bed and the air whooshes from my lungs. “I’m sort of maybe, I’m seeing Mason.”
There’s a pause, a long one, neither of us breathe.
And then finally, with vehemence and disgust, “You’re what?”
“We’re not like official or anything, we’re just—”
“It’s been a month, if that, and you’re fucking the guy you fucked me over with?”
I roll over, pulling the quilt with me so it cocoons around my body. I don’t feel any safer. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t think that would fucking hurt me?”
I close my eyes, maybe I’ll die in my sleep or something. “I’m sorry, but it’s over between us and I know that doesn’t make it right. I’m not trying to defend it, but it’s just… it’s… I don’t know what to say.”
“I fucking hate you, Summer,” he hisses, sounding way more emotional than I thought he would. “Hate you. I hope he breaks your heart, tears it to pieces. I hope you’re never happy again.”
“Chris,” I try but he hangs up the phone.
I press my face into the mattress and scream. It doesn’t make me feel better.
He said he missed me. If I’d waited, if I hadn’t slept with Mason we might have been able to work things out.
Is that what I want now?
GOD, I’M SO CONFLICTED!
I toss the blanket off my body and head to the shower. Maybe I’ll drown and die that way. It feels like it’d be easier than dealing with whatever this is.
My heart is hammering, and I wonder if I’ve made a horrific mistake. I got so lost in my lust for Mason that I didn’t consider the fact Chris has always been there for me. He’s always provided for me.
I tilt my head back and let the warm water wash away my worries. It’s too late now, I can get angry, upset, jealous, remorseful all I want, but there’s nothing I can do.
You could fight for him.
That’s my guilt talking.
He might forgive you, he might take you back, everything might go back to the way it was.
That’s just selfish of me.
Was he really so bad? Sure, we can’t remember the last time he gave us an orgasm, or the last time he just held us because he wanted to, but he provided for us, didn’t give us too much grief when we went out with the girls…
I slap my palms against the cold tiles and look down at my painted toenails. I’m just running scared.
I think.
I’m so confused my head hurts.
Later, after my shower and my wallowing, I leave my phone in my bedroom and search the cupboards in the kitchen for a sweet treat. I want candy or potato chips. I need something right now.
As I’m searching, the phone on the wall rings.
“Answer, speaker,” I yell and there’s a loud beeping noise. This apartment is so cool and high-tech. I’m jealous.
“Summer? It’s Maya.”
“Oh, hey.” I stop raiding her cupboards for junk food. “Is everything okay?”
“You weren’t answering your phone, I could ask you the same thing.”
“Sorry, I’ve been in the shower.”
She hums, it echoes around the kitchen. “I just got a call from Chris…”
Shit.
“I won’t go into detail but he was really upset. He may or may not have trashed some of your things.”
Double shit. “What a nightmare this is turning out to be.”
“What’s going on? He said you’re seeing Mason? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I bite hard on my lip and try to unjumble my brain. I consider lying to her but what good would that do? “We slept together a couple of times. Last night included.”
“Is that where you stayed the other night?” She sounds mad. “You lied to me.”
I told her I stayed at a friend’s place. It wasn’t exactly a lie. Mason is a friend.
“I didn’t want to drag you into the middle of this,” I explain, pushing my hair back with both hands.
“I’m already dragged into the middle, Summer. Chris is James’ friend, hell, he’s my friend. We’ve all known each other years and now… this. It’s not okay.”
“What isn’t?”
“You and Mason!”
Maya has never been mad at me like this.
“It’s too fucking soon. Do you remember how I felt when James got with Zara and… and… Summer… you know how bad this is, right?”
My jaw trembles. I hate that she’s mad at me. “I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just wanted him to love me.”
“Yeah, and from what Chris is telling me, since my wedding he’s been loving you just fine.”
I shake my head. “He got better, but I couldn’t not tell him. His sudden interest in me didn’t just magically fix everything and make it go away.”
“Yes, but you were supposed to give him space and then go back to him. You were not supposed to continue screwing around with the guy you broke up over, what the hell is wrong with you?”
I blanche at her words and her tone. “Who says I was supposed to go back to him?”
“You married him, Summer, practically begged him to take that step. Why would you do that if you were just going to leave him for the first hot guy that shakes his dick at you?”
What the fuck? “Are you serious right no
w? You know how miserable I was!”
“That doesn’t mean you move on within a month of your marriage ending!”
“What are you? My mother? You don’t get to talk to me like this, Maya.”
“Yes, I do actually, Summer, because I care about you and I care about Chris and I care about Mason and you’re breaking up our entire group with your bullshit!” She pants, exerted from her shouting. She’s never shouted at me before. Never. “Lucas and Marie aren’t talking. Loryn and Lucas aren’t talking. Mason and Marie aren’t talking. Loryn and Mason aren’t fucking talking. They’re all calling me bitching about each other over you and Mason publicly shacking up like you don’t have a husband at home just waiting for you to make amends.”
“Chris isn’t waiting for me and I didn’t ask anybody else to get involved in my messy breakup!”
“Let me,” I hear and suddenly Lucas is on the line, an angry-sounding Lucas, and I feel blindsided and cornered. “Chris is waiting for you, Summer. He’s waiting for you to beg for him back. He said you haven’t called and he’s not chasing you. Why should he? He even said he might have been able to work through it but not now. Now he knows it is actually over and it has all but fucking killed him.”
“Why are you involved in this? You’re hardly his best friend, Lucas!”
“He’s still a friend and I just can’t condone this shit. You just couldn’t keep your legs shut until you both had shit figured out, could you?”
“Lucas,” Maya admonishes in the background but I am enraged.
My jaw hits the floor. “You really want to go there, you absolute asshole? You want to make out like I’m such a horrible person and you’re innocent? Have you ever told James how you slept with Maya when he fell asleep with Amelia in the other room?”
“WHAT?” I hear Maya shriek and realize that the phone was on loud speaker. “I swear, James, that never…”
“It’s not what you think,” Lucas yells but not at me.
I realize how that sounded and I try to rectify it as I hear a scuffling noise but nobody is listening. “James! That’s not what I meant. They didn’t have sex.”
The line goes dead and I stand in the kitchen trembling, on the verge of a breakdown, feeling nauseous. What did I just do?
That night, and I only know about it because of Marie, was fucking stupid. Basically, from what I can remember, Maya was pregnant and babysitting Amelia. She went to sleep in Lucas’ bed and James came home and read a story to Amelia and fell asleep with her.
Lucas, because he thought he loved Maya back then, climbed in with Maya and fell asleep. Apparently, he was just tucking her in and she grabbed him thinking he was James.
She woke up the next morning and he creeped out before she noticed and made it look like he’d slept on the couch. Not a big deal. It was totally innocent. But Lucas never told anybody but Marie and Marie of course, got drunk and teased him about it in front of me. She explained the scenario the next day and I swore I wouldn’t say anything.
I just fucking said something.
I’m really messing this up.
I race to my phone and type out a text explaining to James that it sounded worse than I meant it but I have a feeling the damage is already done. I message Maya telling her how sorry I am, I message Marie telling her how sorry I am too.
I was mad, I was blindsided, I was backed into a corner. I reacted badly.
I mean who the hell does Lucas think he is? It’s not like he and Chris are like me and Maya. He has no right to insert himself into my life like that.
Sobbing, I cradle my phone to my chest and hardly dare look at it when a text comes through.
Maya: I think you should find somewhere else to stay.
Marie: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Summer: I am so sorry.
I don’t know where to go. I start my new job the day after tomorrow. My parents live all the way in New Jersey, if I go there, I can’t come back for work.
Chris isn’t having me.
Marie’s is out of the question.
I don’t have anywhere to go.
Maybe Mason?
I try to call him but don’t get an answer. So I text him but still nothing. If he’s not home I can just wait on his doorstep. It’d only be for a few days, just until I figure things out. I don’t want to go home and answer questions.
I sob as I pack up my things, my limbs and body trembling and weak. I’ve fucked up everything. Everything.
I hate myself.
All because I couldn’t keep my legs shut, exactly like Lucas said.
I have two choices, home or Mason. Will it be weird if I show up at Mason’s? He is leaving in a week so maybe he’ll let me crash. I can look after his cat or something.
But, if I make that choice, I’m definitely not getting Chris back.
My head has never hurt so badly before.
I carry my heavy suitcase down to the lobby, dragging it on its wonky wheels. Kenny helps me lug it to a cab. We throw it into the trunk, and I croak out the address before checking my purse.
I have hardly any money at all. This cab is going to take everything I have left.
It starts to rain as my tears start to fall and the droplets hit the glass and trail down my faint reflection. What a cliché.
When the cab pulls up outside of Mason’s house, I ask the guy to keep the meter running while I knock on the door.
I race up the three steps, the rain heavy on my head, washing away my tears as soon as they come. My fist bangs on the wood, his bike is here so I’m praying he’s home.
When there’s no immediate answer I knock again, wishing the windows weren’t too high for me to peer through. What can I say? I’m desperate.
The door finally swings open, to say Mason looks startled would be an understatement.
“Summer?” he questions, his brows pulling in when he looks at the cab waiting on the roadside. He doesn’t fully open the door and that worries me. “What’s wrong?”
“I… Maya threw me out and—” My words cut off abruptly when a new face appears looking over his shoulder and hands wrap around his waist. Dark hands with perfectly painted, rose-gold nails. A face full of makeup and a head of perfect dark hair. “Oh my God.”
I should have listened to my gut.
“Who is it?” the woman peeking over his shoulder asks excitedly. “Is it the food?”
“I am such an idiot,” I say, taking a step backwards, down the steps leading to his door.
“Let me explain—”
“Forget it,” I cry. “You don’t owe me any explanations.”
“Cammy, stop,” Mason says to the woman who is trying to push around him. “Summer!”
I march back to the cab, wondering what the hell I’m going to do now.
“Summer, wait.”
I spin round to face him, rain pouring down my face. “Are you going to tell me she’s just a friend?”
“Not exactly,” he utters, and I see the gorgeous female leaning against the doorjamb. She’s got such long legs.
“How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?” I ask loudly, wondering what number the meter is on now. Can I even afford it?
“Compete?” Mason questions while wiping his face free of rain. I’m cold and drenched, he looks cold and drenched. “Look, what’s going on? Maya kicked you out?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mumble, pulling open the cab door. “I’m not your problem.”
“Come inside, let’s talk about this.”
I look at Cammy again, she’s checking out her nails, not even glaring at me because she doesn’t see me as a threat. Of course she doesn’t. “Go back to her.”
I fold my body into the seat and try to yank it closed but Mason stops me. “I wasn’t going to sleep with her, Summer.”
I blink up at him, astounded. “Do whatever the fuck you want, Mason. Let me go.”
He steps back and lets me pull the door closed. I wait until the cab guy has pulled around the corner and par
ked the car, bless him and his awkward smile.
He hands me a tissue through the plastic divider. “Where to, miss?”
“How close to New Jersey will…” I empty my purse onto the seat. “Sixty-three dollars and seventy-two cents get me?”
“We’re on thirty-seven already, so not far.”
I was hoping he’d offer to take me for free but no such luck.
“Is there anywhere else you can go?” he asks again and part of me wishes Mason would pull up by the side of my car and take me back to his place. Of course, in real life that shit doesn’t happen.
I think about it, scrolling through my friends list on my phone. I have literally upset everyone I know. Nobody is going to want me crashing on their couch.
I’m going to have to swallow my pride and make a call.
“Daddy.” I sniff. “I need your help.”
I snapped my sim card. One because of the constant messages and calls I’ve been getting from angry ex-friends. I’m literally their focus point right now. Because they’re all mad at each other and I’m the one in the middle of it all. I’m the cause of it all.
Mason has tried too, but to be honest, I need to not have his drama right now on top of everything else.
It’s bad enough I’ve had to go home and tell my parents my marriage has fallen apart.
It has only been three weeks since I left Maya’s and I had to give up my new job to start another job closer to home. It’s a similar position and I’m happy with it. I’m lucky I got it at all.
What’s worse is I heard Mom on the phone last night begging Chris to try to work things out with me because marriage is forever and not just sunny weather. Her exact words.
I don’t know what Chris said to her but she swiftly hung up the phone.
“You’ve made a mess of that,” Dad tells me, pushing his glasses up his nose to point out the errors in my clay model of the Statue of Liberty. I got bored and Dad is a really good sculptor, he does molds of babies’ hands and can recreate a person’s face to near exact likeness. He considers it a hobby but people pay good money for it.
A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5 Page 8