I think.
Gah, I might just pay cash to save myself the bother.
I’m going through enough right now without the added stress of Chris finding out about this.
We run at each other, Maya is the first one to hug me, throwing her toned arms around my softer body. Her hair smells like violets. Loryn comes next, her arms go around both of us, she smells like lemons. Marie pats me on the head from a distance.
“Missed you,” Maya says into my ear. When she leans back her eyes are full of tears, making the violet of her irises really seem to glow. “I’m so sorry I told you to leave, I regretted it the next day. I tried to get you to come back.”
“I know, I saw today when I opened your messages.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
She smiles at me softly and then yanks my hair. My scalp stings from the force of it.
“Ouch, what the hell, you psycho?”
“You deserved it,” she snaps, sniffing and then turning away from me.
“Probably,” I grumble and look at Loryn’s large brown eyes, then Maya whose black hair has blown across her face, then Marie who is looking at her nails, her blonde hair pulled back into a bun. They look exactly as I remember them and not an ounce of hatred toward me comes from them. “I’m so sorry for everything I did.”
“Don’t be.” Marie smacks my shoulder. “We don’t need to apologize over stupid shit.”
“Yeah, what she said,” Loryn adds, squeezing my hand.
Maya steps back and her reassuring smile slowly fades. “I’m picking up on some bad mojo here. Do we need to get drunk?”
I shake my head. “I need to talk to you guys, I’m fit to burst. But I’m terrified what you’ll think of me if I tell you.”
“Whatever it is we won’t think anything of you,” Marie says, rolling her eyes.
“Should we go inside? It’s cold.” Loryn points to the bar we decided to meet at. I told them the place, it’s my mom’s favorite hangout according to Mom.
“Doesn’t look too busy, quiet enough for us to talk in private,” Maya comments as Marie pushed open the green door with a gold handle going diagonally across it.
Loryn spots a table in the far corner with four chairs and claims it as Maya and I get drinks, making small talk about Evelyn and James and my parents. Marie is texting on her phone.
When we finally sit, I almost chicken out. I look at Loryn who is trying for a baby, I look at Maya who is trying not to have a baby, I look at Marie who is related to this baby and I don’t want to say it.
“Loryn,” I start and look at my friend who takes my hand over the table. “Out of the three of you, you’re the hardest one to tell and I hope you don’t judge me or hate me. But I couldn’t tell the others and not you.”
“Oh my God, you’re pregnant,” Marie says, slapping her hands on the table. I notice a new light in her gray eyes that wasn’t there a moment ago.
“Marie,” Maya admonishes. “If she is you totally just stole her moment.”
“Oh my God.” Loryn’s hand hits her mouth and her eyes water. “Are you? Summer? Are you?”
“Does my brother know? Is it his? It is his, right?”
I give Marie a look. “Yes, he knows.”
“OH MY GOD!” Loryn’s other hand squeezes mine but I pull it free.
“Guys.” I raise my hand and frown at them and tears flow down my cheeks. “Mason doesn’t… I mean we don’t… we’re not keeping it, I think, I don’t know.” Their faces become passive, none of them showing any emotion. I’m guessing they don’t know how to react. I continue before they can cut in, “And I know you must think I’m selfish, but I just… I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I’m getting divorced, Mason isn’t ready to be a dad, I don’t have a job, money, I just decided to go to med school and now this?” I look at Loryn. “And I know this must suck and I’m so, so sorry for—”
“Hey.” She squeezes my hand. “No, don’t do that. Your choice doesn’t affect me, not really. Whatever you decide, I’m here. My fertility or lack thereof has nothing to do with this. Does it suck that you got pregnant so quickly? Yes, I’m a bit jealous of that. Do I want you to force yourself to have a baby because I might get upset? No.”
“Exactly.” Maya takes my other hand. “Everything she said and more. We’re your friends.”
Marie just looks devastated, though it feels like it’s for me and her brother, not because of what we’re doing. “What did Mason say?”
“That he’d support me whatever I decided, but he doesn’t want a kid right now. Neither of us do.”
She places her hand on my arm and we sit in silence for a while, absorbing each other’s love and strength.
“What can I give a baby?” I ask them after our moment of solidarity. “I’m married to a man who is not the father. The man who is the father basically admitted he’ll probably never be faithful.”
“He’s an idiot,” Marie grumbles. “But he is a playboy. I’d like to say he’d settle down for you and a kid, but I doubt it. He’s not exactly mature on the adult scale.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “I don’t expect anything from him. He sent me money to pay for all my medical bills. He’s made his mind up. I’d be an awful person making him provide for a kid he never wanted to begin with.”
“I don’t think he’d see it that way,” Marie promises but how can she know for sure? “I know that he’d be a great dad. I just don’t think he’d be a great husband.”
My lower lip trembles so I sink my teeth into it and sip my sweet, hot, coffee. “I’m so conflicted. I wanted to be a mom so badly. Not like this. Not under these circumstances.”
“There’s always adoption,” Loryn suggests softly.
I shake my head. “I’d never be able to give it away. I know that. Seems wrong doesn’t it, being able to kill it now and not hand it over when it’s alive later. I just…” I bury my face in my arms and sob. “Why did this happen to me? We were careful… kind of. He didn’t even… I mean… I made him pull out, damn it.”
“Didn’t need to know that,” Marie whispers and I hear her curse when Maya does something to her that I can’t see. I know it was Maya because she says her name after the curse word.
“So when are you having the procedure?” Maya asks, sipping her own drink, trying to stay businesslike in the face of my sorrow.
“Monday,” I reply so quietly I hardly hear it myself. “I have to have a sonogram and decide what I want to do. Dilation or suction.”
“They sound horrific,” Loryn mutters.
“No more horrific than bringing a child into the world that I can’t provide a home for.” My phone vibrates and I’m surprised to see Chris’ name on the screen. I blink at it. “I haven’t spoken to him since I told him about Mason. Since we all…” Fell out, I want to finish with but don’t.
“Answer it if you need to.”
“I almost daren’t,” I murmur as his name vanishes and my screen goes black. “I can’t take anymore drama right now. I might break.”
“You aren’t going to break,” Maya snaps, determination in her eyes. “We aren’t going to let you go without. I’m not going to let you go without. I didn’t help you before because…” She looks away, ashamed. “Because I was mad but trying to be supportive. I hated what you did to Chris, I kind of secretly hated you for it and I hate myself for not being honest with you.”
“Maybe now’s not the best time for that, Maya,” Marie says, frowning at our friend as I feel my heart pieces cracking.
“No, I have to, I’ve already started.” She clicks her fingers in my face when I look away. “You need to hear me. I don’t hate you, I’m not mad anymore. I was just putting my own experience and heart into it which was unfair because my marriage was nothing like yours when James cheated on me. But I also started to rationalize what James did because of you, because even though it was and should have been unforgivable, I’d been awful to him for so long and even though we were happy when
he cheated he didn’t know that I was happy, he didn’t know I wasn’t cheating so of course that’s the conclusion he came to.” She takes a breath and we all sip our drinks. “I don’t blame you for cheating on Chris because I might’ve done the same. He was cruel to you, we forget that because he’s our friend too but we saw the toll that relationship took on you.”
“Mm-hmm,” Marie agrees, nodding slowly with a sneer. “I’ve still got a moist leg to prove it.”
I flip her off and Loryn giggles.
“Looking at you brought back all of the pain and nausea I felt when James hurt me and I felt bad for Chris, and I do still feel bad for Chris but I feel worse for you. You suffered for so long. You were hurting. I shouldn’t have been mad at you. I should have supported you.” She takes both of my hands in hers. “I have the money.”
“Maya…” I start but she shakes my hands to stop me.
“I have everything, and I let my best friend down. My best friend who would do anything for me, who has been there for me every step of the way and hasn’t judged me for any of my own selfish choices. Because I couldn’t be honest with her about how she made me feel. Feelings I wasn’t permitted because she didn’t do anything to me, she didn’t do anything wrong, not really.”
“I don’t want your money, Maya.” I’m only slightly lying. I don’t want her money but at the same time it would be nice to not have that hanging over my head. “Money changes friendships.”
“That’s not true, I’ve had three of Maya’s cars and half of her closet and we’re still friends,” Marie says with a smirk. “Maya won’t notice it gone. I’ve used her credit cards loads of times.”
“Me too, twice,” Loryn admits raising her hand with a proud smile and both Maya and Marie’s heads whip around to gape at her. It’s so comical I almost laugh. “I wanted Gucci.”
Marie throws her head back.
Maya rolls her eyes. “Lucas gets paid enough to buy you Gucci.”
“Lucas said I had enough bags.”
“Lucas is an idiot,” Marie puts in and Maya agrees.
“Besides, Lucas is a great provider, I don’t want him to think I’m using him for his money.”
Maya’s jaw drops. “You’re kidding me, right? What makes you think I won’t think that?”
Loryn’s twinkling brown eyes shine with mischief over the top of her mug. “Because you already know I am.”
With that we all cackle like we always did, knowing she’s kidding. But we can do that with each other. We can joke about each other like that.
When we’ve calmed down, Maya sobers and we all fall silent. “I’m not going to give you a lump sum of money because you’re not used to it so you’ll waste it, I’m going to give you a monthly allowance…”
“Won’t James—”
She gives me a pointed look. “What I give my friends is my business. James would agree. We’re hardly strapped for cash. Besides, when you were staying with us he kept asking me why I didn’t just help you out with money, and not because he wanted you gone. He appreciated you being there and so did I. You were amazing with Evelyn. I still wonder how we coped without you.”
“I miss her so much.”
“Then come home, come back to Manhattan. Be with us,” Loryn begs.
Maya nods. “We miss you. And the money doesn’t come with stipulations. You can live wherever you want, buy whatever you want, go wherever you want and be friends with whoever you want.”
“Not including Kev,” Marie cuts in as though that’s relevant which it isn’t. I would never be friends with Kev, I have never been friends with Kev.
I let out a laugh and keep listening.
“But, if the reason you’re not having this baby is because you’re worried you can’t provide for it, that’s a worry that is no longer on the table.” Maya takes my hand again and her eyes bore into mine. I’m trying not to cry because this feels too good to be true. “You base your decision on your future, Mason’s, and what will make you happy and what you want. Don’t let money be the deciding factor when your friends have too much of it.”
“Is that why you chose termination?” Loryn asks looking horrified.
She bursts into tears when I reply, “I suppose it’s a massive part of it. Maybe now I can be a mother and go to med school.”
“It makes you wonder how many women,” Loryn sobs, “choose to end their pregnancies because they can’t afford it.” She then slaps Maya on the arm. “You better be paying your staff a living wage.”
“I hope I am, that’s got me thinking now too,” Maya mumbles looking ashamed.
“Maybe it’s something we can all look into together?” I suggest, looking between her and Loryn. “Figuring out how to make the lives of single parents everywhere that little bit easier seems like a good way to spend our free time.”
“Speak for yourself,” Marie jests so Maya pulls her hair again.
“We’ll help you get through med school. We will sort you out financially. So, I’m not going to ask you if you’ll accept my offer because you don’t have a choice.” Maya grins for a moment.
“I’ll forever feel indebted to you,” I whisper, using a napkin to wipe my tears. “If I accept this, how will I feel like your equal?”
“Because you are her equal, taking your sister’s money to help you when you need it isn’t going to stir any kind of pot,” Loryn insists and Marie hums her confirmation. “Besides, if we feel like you or Maya aren’t working things out well together, we will step in. We won’t let either of you take advantage of the other, trust Marie and me to do that.”
“Why me?” Marie jokes and this time Loryn lunges across the table to pull her hair. She misses and Marie jabs her in the tit which makes Maya howl with laughter.
“But what if I do something to make you hate me?”
“I’m not going to suddenly cut you off, well, not unless you fuck my husband,” Maya jokes, wagging her eyebrows. “Without my permission of course.”
“Let’s not go there,” Marie chastises, and we all laugh.
When Maya stops laughing, she looks at the girls and then they all look at me. I almost shrink in my seat, feeling like I’m facing a council of women, ready to be tried for my sins. “Now you’ve got a decision to make based on you. Call Mason, call Chris, call whoever you need for guidance to answer your question. Are you ready to be a mother?”
“I think I already know,” I whisper and my hand goes to my stomach. “But I’m terrified Mason won’t be happy. I don’t want to ruin his future.”
“My brother would never feel that way,” Marie promises, yet again advocating for her brother who is not here. She has so much faith in him. Could she be wrong? She knows him better than anyone.
“Maybe just try not dating or being together, figure out how to co-parent?” Loryn suggests and we all agree because that’s a brilliant idea. “No sex, no messing around, just be friends who have a kid.”
“That’s a really good idea,” I whisper and smile at them genuinely for the first time in months. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Is this for real?” Marie asks, finally sounding emotional to some extent. “You’re having my brother’s baby?”
“I need to talk to him first.”
She nods. “But you’re probably going to keep it.”
I nod too, with tears in my eyes again but these are of love and excitement, unlike the others that were of fear and sorrow. “Probably. Given he doesn’t ask me outright to abort.”
“Would you?” Loryn’s tone is gentle, cautious even. “If he asked?”
“I have to consider his feelings too. I might not abort but I would give him the option to sign over parental rights, especially now that I don’t need him financially involved.” Admitting the last part is difficult. It’s embarrassing actually.
Sensing this, they reach for me again, and for the first time since I left, I’m not terrified anymore, and I know that it is all going to work out.
“You shou
ld call my brother,” Marie taps my phone with the tip of her manicured nail.
“Yeah,” I agree and pick it up. “But this should be a private conversation I think.”
“If that’s what you want.” Loryn picks up her own phone and starts to stand.
“I’ll call him later, there’s no rush. The baby hopefully isn’t going anywhere just yet. I want to spend more time with my girls, plus, Mom and Dad are really excited to see you all again. Do you mind if we head there for a while?”
“Charming parents is my goal in life,” Marie sighs sarcastically. This time I pull her hair and she very nearly jabs me in the tit. Her hand stops in mid-air between me and her and she glares comically at me. “I’m saving that one for after you’ve had my niece or nephew.”
“I’ll remind you.” Maya flips her hair over her shoulder, and we all stand, ready to leave.
I love my girls. I don’t know why I ever doubted their love for me too.
My toes sink into the plush rug of the expensive hotel Marie paid for, yet another thing I owe my friends. They decided that until I was set on my decision that they’re not leaving, because they don’t want me to have the abortion alone if it comes to that. So they’ve booked a local four-star hotel because there’s just no room at Mom and Dad’s, who were so glad to see my friends today.
I’m terrified to tell them that I’m pregnant and scrounging off others to get by. It’s not exactly a proud moment for parents of a twenty-five-year-old woman who doesn’t have her shit together.
There’s also the matter of Chris, I’ve hardly talked to him but how badly hurt will he be when he finds out I’m pregnant with another man’s baby?
I don’t want to hurt or upset anybody but what can I do about that now, really?
The girls have all stepped out to give me privacy to make the much-needed call to Mason. I didn’t want them to go but it’s unfair for him to have his reaction judged. He might get mad at me or say things he doesn’t mean. People do that and I wouldn’t blame him if he did. I’ve essentially convinced him that this will all be over in a couple of days.
A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5 Page 11