“I’m okay, a bit woozy.”
She adjusts the tube leading to my nostrils. “That’s normal, that’ll be the blood loss.”
“My babies,” I whisper and look around the room. “Mason? Where is Mason?”
“He’s with the babies,” Marie answers, holding my hand in both of hers. “You made him promise to stay with them.”
I breathe a breath of relief. “I thought maybe he’d…” My words trail off and I stamp on those stupid thoughts. Mason would never leave me. “When can I see them?”
“Soon, I promise. They’re being taken care of.” The female doctor smiles reassuringly. “Do you have any discomfort?”
“My stomach is burning. My head is pounding.” I glance at Marie. “I’m really thirsty.”
“You can drink.”
Marie walks across the room to fill me a small cup of water and helps me sip it through a straw. “Is that better?”
“Yeah.” I look down at my empty stomach. “When did you get here?”
“Mason called me when you were on the way to the hospital. I let everyone know but we all decided I should be here for you and my brother.” She smiles kindly. “Are you disappointed?”
“No, I’m glad you’re here.” I wince as the burning ache intensifies. “Can I get something for the pain? Where is Dr. Bala?”
“She’s with the twins too,” the new doctor replies. “I’ll have a nurse bring you something soon to take the edge off.”
“Thank you.” I rub my eyes and press my lips together as I try to sort out the jumble of my brain. It’s not that I don’t remember, I’m just not sure what order it all goes in. “What happened? I remember blood and then the ambulance…”
“Placental abruption, very minor and caught early,” she explains softly. “It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, it’s just one of those things that seems to be more common in twin pregnancies.”
“I remember Dr. Bala speaking to me about this with Mason at our last appointment. Mason asked about it I think.” My head is spinning.
The door opens, and speak of the devil, Dr. Bala walks in with a kind smile and her black hair in a long ponytail floating down her back. “Summer. Oh it’s so good to see you awake. I came as fast as I could.”
The other doctor says her goodbyes now that mine is here and I watch her leave the room, wishing I’d thanked her for helping me. My head isn’t in the right space.
“How are they? Are they identical boys like you thought?”
“They are,” she replies, beaming from ear to ear. “Now that we know you’re well we’re going to move you to a neonatal suite where your boys are.”
“And Mason?”
“And Mason,” she confirms and presses a button on the bed. My upper half starts to rise and seconds later a nurse comes in with a little plastic cup containing painkillers. Thank God.
I drink them down without argument and grip the bedsheet as I wait for the pain to go away.
I look at Marie after a moment, happy to be at a more upright position. I don’t feel as dizzy. “Is Mason still mad at me?”
The doctor and Marie share a look as they both unlock the wheels of the bed I’m on.
“Mad at you?” Marie asks, frowning.
I nod. “We’ve not been speaking the past couple of weeks.”
“Oh I know all about that,” Marie grits. “Don’t worry, Mason is fine. You should have told me how he was treating you.”
I shrug. “I couldn’t blame him for being nervous, the situation was a bit messed up.” I wet my dry lips. “Did he tell you about what happened before I started bleeding?”
She nods, anger still in her eyes. “The number in his pocket, he told me. But I do believe him when he says he just shoved it in there because he felt bad for her. He was never planning on calling her and completely forgot it was in there.”
I sigh because I know that’s true too. Mason wouldn’t leave it in there if he remembered, he’d have stored it on his phone and tossed it into the trash. He wouldn’t risk my health like that. “He said that.”
“You don’t have to worry about him anyway, he knows those boys are his.”
Dr. Bala asks with a slight smile, “Let’s take you to meet them, shall we?”
I nod happily, eager to meet the babies that have been a part of me for what feels like such a long time but also not a long enough time.
“How are they breathing?” I ask as Marie and Bala and a nurse I haven’t met yet wheel me out of the room. Every jolt makes my stomach ache and burn but I don’t react for fear of them taking me back to that room. If they don’t think I’m well enough, will they make me wait longer?
“They’re breathing just fine on their own,” Dr. Bala responds happily. “So far anyway, with premature babies there’s always a risk that they might fall back a few steps but they’re amazing so far. The smallest, baby B, has an NG feeding tube, the largest, baby A, has been cup fed.”
“They’re so tiny,” Marie adds, grinning at me as she holds up her hands to show the size of the babies. “Teeny tiny. I’ve got Maya shopping for a few preemie outfits and Loryn is grabbing your things.”
“The stuff I bought. Even they were too small?”
Marie nods. “You’ll see for yourself soon.”
“How much do they weigh?” I ask eagerly. “Please, I need to know everything.”
“Baby A is a healthy five pounds five ounces. Baby B is four pounds and eight ounces. So not a huge difference but those extra ounces can make all the difference when it comes to their strength. I have a feeling they won’t be in NICU for a long stay.”
My anxiety rises as I’m taken through a maze of halls and finally wheeled into a new room. It’s a private room with a bathroom and a window.
“Loryn must have brought the bags already,” Marie comments and looks at my suitcase in the corner.
“Time to stretch a bit,” Dr. Bala says kindly as a nurse brings in a padded wheelchair with a high back handle for pushing. “Think you can get from the bed to the chair and I’ll take you to see your boys?”
“Is that safe? She’s just been cut open from hip to hip,” Marie comments, her pointed brows furrowed with concern.
“It’s whatever she can handle.”
I breathe out slowly, terrified of the pain that might be about to hit me.
I’m helped to the side of the bed, in a hospital gown that has been securely tied at the front. I gently swing my feet over and grimace when they touch the cold tiles of the floor despite the tight socks that have been put on me during my unconscious state.
It makes me nervous thinking about all those people seeing me and touching me while I was in such a vulnerable condition. It’s a silly thing to worry about but I still worry anyway.
“Are you okay?” Marie asks, flanking my right side as Bala takes my left.
I nod and stand slowly. It hurts but it’s not excruciating. I can’t stand up straight so I sort of shuffle, bent forward, to the chair and they help to lower me down into it.
I breathe a breath of relief when I’m sitting down again, and Marie helps me put my feet onto the stirrups.
“You okay?”
I nod. “That sucked.”
“I bet it did.” Bala squeezes my shoulder. “You did so well.”
“You did,” Marie agrees.
“Let’s go see your sons.”
“Yay.” I’d shake with excitement if it didn’t hurt to do so.
“Summer!” Mason gasps the second we enter the room with dim lighting.
He races to me as I take it all in, the incubators in the middle of the room side by side with strange lamps above them.
He kisses my cheek. “How are you feeling? Sore? I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up, you made me promise and I figured you’d rather see Marie’s face over mine when you finally woke anyway.”
“Let her breathe, bro,” Marie sniggers and slaps his shoulder. “What’s up with the mini-punks? Why are they sunbathing?�
�
“They have a bit of jaundice, nothing too major,” Mason answers and pulls a chair closer to me so we’re at the same level. “They’re perfect, Summer.” He pulls my face around to his. “I’m sorry for doubting you and for everything that happened, I swear I didn’t even flirt with her. I swear.”
“Now’s not the time.” Marie pushes his head back and Bala pushes me to the middle of the room. “She wants to meet them. Move.”
I almost close my eyes, the anticipation is tearing me up inside.
Knowing my body almost killed them is making me feel all kinds of guilt, worse than any guilt I’ve ever felt.
But then… they come into view… bald heads, tiny bodies, closed eyes, little chests rising and falling. They’re together in one, both of them with tiny catheters sticking out of their arms.
I place my hand on the plastic and smile tearily when baby B, the smaller one, kicks his leg out with a little spasm. Baby A mirrors it and his tiny free hand comes up and then back down.
“Oh my God.” I lean in closer and wipe away my tears. “They’re gorgeous.” I peek at Mason. “They really do look like you.” Their eyes are exactly his shape, their hairline too. Or what they have of hair. “When can I hold them? Have you held them?”
Mason nods, beaming proudly. “Fed Axel too.”
“Axel?” I ask as Marie mutters, “Uh-oh.”
“Baby A, I’ve called him Axel. You can name baby B.”
I blink at him. “I thought we said we weren’t doing that. That we’d decide on both together?”
“And that has gotten us nowhere. So I’ll name baby A, and you can name baby B.”
I scowl at him. “I’m not arguing in front of them.”
“Good, then it’s settled.” He’s so giddy and excited. It’s actually quite lovely to see. “Baby A is Axel.”
Marie shrugs when I look at her for support. “It’s a nice name.”
“Fine,” I grumble because she’s right, it’s not a terrible name and we were thinking of that one anyway. “Baby B will be…” I look at my little boy, the smallest of the two, his tiny perfect lips parted, an even tinier nostril holding a narrow tube that has been taped to his cheek. My poor boy. “Dexter.”
“I knew you’d go for that one,” Mason mutters unhappily so I shoot him a look and he plasters a new smile on his face. “Dexter it is.”
Dr. Bala opens a panel on the incubator and after sterilizing my hands, I put it inside and gently touch Dexter’s arm. He’s so soft, his skin like a peach, light and covered in a thick but delicate fuzz.
His skin quivers under my touch and my heart soars. I move to Axel, desperate to hold them both in my arms but truth be told I’m not sure I have the energy.
“They are perfect.”
“Right?” Mason beams with pride again as though he was the one that cooked them. “My dick made that.”
Marie groans, I laugh, Dr. Bala sighs and shakes her head.
“We should discuss breastfeeding,” Dr. Bala says after a few more minutes of leaving Mason and me to bond with our sons.
We spent it talking about how they’d be in bunk beds before long, arguing over toys, beating each other up because football. Mason wants to teach them to fix things, build things, he wants us to buy a bigger house so they can make a fort in the yard.
I love them.
I love him.
And then Axel starts wailing, and Dexter follows. It’s a wonderfully ear-penetrating sound.
Despite everything, I know we’re all going to be okay.
Seeing everybody swoon around the babies I created and love with every single cell that makes my body, is the best sight. As awful as it seems we haven’t allowed visitors in the hospital for the past three weeks since their birth because we were terrified the boys would get sick. They have been thriving but because of how delicate they are they are so prone to infections, and with me struggling to express enough to sustain them, we’re having to supplement with baby formula. Which makes me even more nervous. Not that baby formula is bad, but just that I know my body has created antibodies tailored to their needs and I can’t stop thinking that I’m failing them in some way. Which I know is silly.
Mason is a doting father. I love watching him with them more than I’ve ever loved watching anyone or anything. He’s incredible with them in fact.
He doesn’t shy from his diaper duties. Which is great because there’s no taking it in turns with each other at night so we just take it in turns with the boys. I’ll do Axel and he’ll do Dexter and then we will swap the next time they wake. We already know who is who by their cries which seems crazy to me because they are absolutely identical in every way. Even size. Dexter caught up to his brother in no time. He’s the bigger eater, he might even surpass him soon.
Now that we’re home I hope things stay this way between us all. So happy, easy, content. Mason and I resolved the drama and moved on. Got back to where we were before and are in a much better place now.
I dread to think about when Mason has to leave. I hope it’s not for a really long time. I don’t know what I’ll do without him.
He’s amazing. I’m not just saying that because I’m all worked up with hormones from having the most perfect tiny babies to ever exist.
I’m saying it because regardless of everything we have been through, Mason is exactly the person I would have chosen to have kids with.
I’m watching him right now, cradling both boys to his chest, sitting in the recliner, battling Maya who wants to hold one of them. He won’t share. Not yet. He’s still too paranoid.
“Sanitize,” he barks at her.
“I already did,” she whines and turns to James who squirts more clear fluid into her hands. She rubs it between her fingers and all up and down her arms. “Better?”
Mason nods and she picks up Dexter gently as Loryn steps forward to take Axel.
“Did you sanitize?” Mason asks.
“Duh,” Loryn says, rolling her eyes and he nods for her to take the remaining twin.
Mason pushes the footrest back under the seat and sits up. He watches Loryn and Maya stand with the boys, comparing them both. His eyes don’t leave them. My smile doesn’t leave me.
“They’re both getting ginger hair, look.” That’s Maya.
“It’s blond, but they’ll probably get ginger beards one day.” That’s Loryn.
“Unfortunate.” That’s James.
“Hey,” I snap playfully at his insult and he just flashes me an apologetic grin.
“Coffee is ready,” Marie places a tray on the coffee table, but nobody moves to get a drink. She rolls her eyes too.
She is the only other person outside of Mason and me that has been to see the boys in the hospital.
She was also here yesterday when Mason’s dad and grandpa came to see the boys and my parents did too. We thought it cruel to make them wait any longer.
It was nice to see them all getting along. Mason’s dad seems to like me and had a lot to talk about with my dad, including discussing which of them is going to pay for my wedding to Mason. Something Mason and I have never discussed because, A, it’s too soon, and B, I’m still married.
Although that should rectify itself soon enough. The divorce is in its final stages, especially since Marie confirmed with Chris that the boys aren’t his.
He sent me flowers and called to apologize. We reached an amicable ending of our relationship with the promise that maybe one day we could still be friends. He also agreed to let me have the bedroom furniture if I still wanted it but Mason didn’t like that idea. Not in the slightest.
I move my gaze back to Mason who is still glaring at Maya and Loryn intently as they swap babies, using James as the middleman.
“Did you sanitize?” Mason barks at James this time and Marie snorts beside me.
“He’s going to be a helicopter parent,” Marie says and I nod slowly. “You’re all doomed.”
“Thanks, pal.”
“No problem.�
��
We share a smile and then I ask, “Where’s Jacob?”
“Oh, I’m not bringing him.”
“Why?”
“He’s getting broody.”
My lips part. “He wants a baby?”
She shrugs and her blonde hair falls over her shoulder. “He wants a lot of things.”
Lancelot, Mason’s cat, starts winding itself around her legs so she bends and scoops her up to scratch her under her chin.
“Not something you’ll consider?”
She bites on her lower lip and looks ahead.
I let out a laugh, throwing my head back. “No fucking way, you’ve so been thinking about it!”
“I mean…” She shrugs again and grimaces. “It wouldn’t be so bad, I guess?”
When I laugh again, I feel Mason’s eyes on me and blush when I meet them. He’s staring at me with such an intense look on his face.
“Hey,” I yell when I see Maya bring Dexter to her lips. “No kissing them! Are you crazy?”
She freezes and pouts at me. “But he looks so yummy.”
“I don’t care. Keep your herpes to yourself.”
Mason laughs louder than I just did, and when his head comes back down he looks me directly in the eyes, holds a smile, and declares, “I fucking love you, Summer.”
The entire room stills as his words echo around us all. And I’m ashamed to admit I want to cry.
I’ve been waiting for him to say it, I’ve been wanting him to for so long. Not because of the boys, but because he means it.
He has been so good to me since they’ve been born, so apologetic and loving. So helpful and kind. How could I not want him to love me?
Especially since…
“I love you too, Mason.”
His smile gets brighter and Loryn whispers a long Awwww.
“Then come here so I can love you from a shorter distance,” he adds and pats his lap and I skip merrily to him as much as my still painful body will allow me to skip. Pressing my lips to his at the same moment my butt touches his thighs.
“DAAAD, MARAYA PULLED MY HAIR!” Dexter screeches as he comes skidding into the living room. His socks too slippery on the wooden floor. He’d have flown right past us if Mason hadn’t snagged him with an arm around his waist.
A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5 Page 25