She remains still and silent as she stares at the bag, and I shake it, urging her to take the gift. “Well…go on. Don’t leave me hanging here.”
Smiling, she looks up at me, then back down to the bag before taking it. Her back stiffens as she peers inside, her eyes wide with surprise when she looks up.
“What, you don’t like it?” I smirk, hoping to hide my nerves.
The corners of her mouth turn up and she giggles, shaking her head. She removes the small, white stuffed animal from the bag, and I let out a breath. Snuggling the animal close to her body, she squeezes it tight, making me insanely jealous of a toy.
“I love it,” she coos. “Thank you.”
The warm smile on her face and softness in her gaze feels like laying in a hammock on a sunny day. I’d buy her a thousand stuffed toys if it meant she’d always look at me this way.
“I’m almost ready. Do you want to come in?” she asks, her eyes falling as the color on her cheeks deepens again.
My intention to do the right thing and offer to wait downstairs dissolves as she moves back, holding the door open wide. Taking a timid step inside, I stand right over the threshold, and she releases the door before retreating farther into the room.
My nerves have me feeling like a virginal boy alone with a girl for the first time as I shut the door. By the time I make my way through the small living space and into the bedroom, my head is reeling.
When I find Jules bent slightly over the bed as she closes her suitcase, I spin and disappear back into the other room to wait for her. Moments later, she comes out, pulling her suitcase behind with one hand and curling her gift up against her body with the other.
My heart feels like it’s doing karate kicks in my chest as she walks toward me. Her eyes lift to meet mine as she comes to a stop in front of me. When she lets go of her suitcase to hug the animal, my body twitches as I suppress my urge to close the small remaining gap between us—to touch her.
“How’d you know?” she asks with a tilt of her head.
My forehead creases as I tug at the hair on my jaw. “Know what?”
“What to get me?”
A blind man could have seen the way she fell in love with the Beluga Whales yesterday. It made my decision a very easy one to make.
I shrug. “You were as happy as a kid on Christmas watching them yesterday. It was like all the weight you carry around on your shoulders had been lifted and you didn’t have a care in the world. I thought having that might help you get that feeling back whenever you needed it.”
Uncertainty fills me when she remains silent, her gaze unblinking and breathing faint. As moisture fills her eyes, she takes a deep breath and places the stuffed whale on top of her suitcase. Before I even realize what’s happening, her arms are wrapped tightly around me, her body pressed into mine and head laying in the crook of my neck.
Her unexpected embrace causes my breathing to still and body to stiffen before I encase her in my arms, reveling in the pure ecstasy of holding her.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
The tone of her voice is low and almost child-like, causing my chest to tighten. I’m not sure whether I should be pleased to receive this honor or furious no one’s beaten me to it. It was such a simple act, one that should have easily been outdone by someone during her twenty-eight years of life. But if I’m going to be angry, I should be mad at myself. I failed her just as much as everyone else, abandoning her when she married Christopher and never being honest about my true feelings for her.
She leans back, lifting her head to meet my gaze, and my breathing becomes ragged as she stretches up on her tiptoes. She places a lingering kiss on my cheek and squeezes me tighter before lowering herself again.
“Thank you.”
Smiling, I sweep her hair back before my hand settles right below her ear. Caressing her cheek with my thumb, I kiss her forehead, then tuck her underneath my chin. I want more, so much more, restraining myself is painful. But I have Jules back, and that’s enough for now.
GIRL TIME
February 8th
“I can’t believe you’ll be moving out soon,” Lizzy whines, handing me a glass of wine as she plops down next to me on the couch. “I’m going to miss having our girl time.”
“It’s not like we won’t still see each other all the time. I’m not moving hundreds of miles away again. I’ll be right up the street.”
Sighing, she pouts, blinking her eyes at me as if begging would convince me to stay. I roll my eyes and take a sip of my wine. I’ve already imposed on her for over a month. She has to be ready to have her house back. I know I can’t wait to be in my own place. After I moved out of my parents’ house, I only lived on my own for a little over a year before I moved in with Christopher. So, I’m excited about having a space that’s all mine again.
“Still, it won’t be the same.”
“It will free up more time for Brenden,” I tease.
The two of them are so obviously falling in love with each other, but neither seem to be willing to make the first move. After they spent the night together “cuddling,” she confessed Brenden did kiss her once, but she made him promise never to do it again. Now, it’s like this waiting game trying to see which one will break first.
“Oh lord, don’t start on me.”
She cuts her eyes to me as she takes a sip from her glass, but the smile she’s trying to hide is still evident.
“What did he say when you told him you were going out of town this weekend?”
Her face contorts into a guilty expression, and she sucks in a breath through her teeth.
“About that,” she drawls. “I told him he could come with us.”
My eyes widen in surprise, and a strange feeling courses through me before settling in the pit of my belly. It’s like a mixture of jealousy, frustration, and despair—none of which I should be feeling. I should be happy for Lizzy—I am happy for her, but I’m not thrilled with the idea of having him tag along. I mean, he’s practically a stranger to me.
Honestly, I don’t want to spend the weekend watching the two of them fawn all over each other and be lovey-dovey. I picked this weekend—Valentine’s weekend—because I’m terrified of what’s happening between Eric and me. If I were here, he’d surely make a show out of it, and I’m not ready. I wanted this to be a girls only, anti-love kind of trip—one where I could shut out my thoughts and emotions, not watch the beginnings of a happily ever after.
“Excuse me?” My tone is shrill and way too harsh.
Lizzy winces and guilt gnaws at my gut like a teething toddler.
“I’m sorry,” she rushes. “He was worried about us, and—”
“No,” I interrupt, holding up my hand. “I’m sorry. It’s fine. I’m stressed is all.”
She reaches over, placing her hand on mine as her eyes try to peer inside me. My emotions begin to stir, but I stuff them back in their box and lock it up tight, forcing a smile on my face.
“Do you want to talk about it? Things at work are still better, right?” she pries, in true Lizzy fashion. Not because she’s nosey, because she genuinely cares.
When I started working with Eric, it took a serious toll on me. Of course, Lizzy noticed. So, I told her my boss was being a jerk to pacify her curiosity. What I haven’t told her is Eric is my boss. It would lead to too many questions I’m not prepared to answer. She still doesn’t even know it was him I danced with at the bar my first night back home.
I wish I could be more like her. She’s an open book, always sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. It must be so freeing. But opening that can of worms would be a disaster. I’ve never been very transparent, but since Jim, I’ve hidden every part of me, fearful someone might see the changes in me. If I tried to reveal any part of me now, everything would come exploding out, and I can’t let that happen.
“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” Pulling my hand away from hers, I wave off her concern. “Just a lot going on this month
. You know, with the trip to Atlanta for work last week, our trip back to PA this weekend, and moving into my new apartment next weekend.”
“That is a lot,” she agrees. “How did the trip to Atlanta go? I don’t think I ever got a chance to ask.”
Damn it. Why did I have to bring that up? It was incredible. I haven’t been that happy in a long time. Maybe ever. But knowing Eric has feelings for me and his intentions for us is too overwhelming. Maybe it’s the possibility of happiness that scares me, or maybe I’m afraid of that happiness turning to ash in my mouth. Perhaps both. Either way, I sense myself pushing him away, and I know he does too. It’s self-sabotage.
Heat flushes my face as the image of Eric’s arms wrapped around me floods in. Straightening my back, I try to keep myself from reacting to her question in any telling way, but the ghost of his touch swarms around me, trapping me in.
“Good.”
Her eyes narrow as she studies me, and I clear my throat before taking several gulps of wine and bracing for further inquisition. Her phone begins to ring, distracting her, and I blow out a relieved breath as she reaches over to pick it up.
“Is it that time already?” My eyebrows lift as my lips curve into a smile, knowing it’s Brenden making his nightly call to her.
“I can tell him I’ll call him back,” she offers.
Shaking my head, I wave my hand. “No. It’s fine. I’m going to finish this and go to bed.”
She nods, her eyes already back on her phone, her lips curved into a soft smile. “Hello, Brenden.”
My heart swells as her face lights up. Not that long ago, she was struggling to pull herself up out of the wreckage of her husband’s death. Now, she’s finding her joy again—she’s finding herself, and it gives me hope.
She mouths a goodnight to me as she gets up from the couch and scurries off to her bedroom. After finishing my wine, I head to the spare bedroom, trying to ignore the loneliness looming over my head.
As soon as I’m settled in the bed, my phone starts to ring. Groaning, I snatch it off the nightstand, knowing without looking who it is.
“I’m tired, Chris. What do you want?”
“I got your message about coming home this weekend.”
“It’s not my home anymore.”
“Yes, it is,” he sighs. “This is where you belong. We both know you’re not happy there. We can work this out. I screwed up, but you’ve got to give me a chance to make it right.”
“I don’t, actually. Besides, I did give you a chance. It’s not like I left the day I found you fucking that woman in our bed.”
“Jesus, Julia, stop being so crude. You may have stayed, but you would barely look at me. Let me take you to dinner this weekend, we can talk. Please give me the opportunity to prove I still love you.”
The pleading in his voice has guilt knotting my stomach. A part of me knows my lack of love for him aided in his infidelity. My eyes fall to the stuffed whale beside me in the bed, and I run my hand over the soft material. Thoughts of Eric flood back in as I hug it to my body, my chest clenching. Christopher never made me feel safe and cherished the way being in Eric’s arms did, and he never looked at me the way Eric does. I don’t know why Christopher wanted to marry me or why he’s trying to win me back now, but it has nothing to do with love.
“No, Chris, I don’t think you ever really loved me, and I’ll never love you the way I should. Just let me go.”
“How can you say that?” he shouts, and I snatch the phone away from my ear. Shaking my head, I stare at it in disbelief before reluctantly bringing it back to my ear. “Are you already screwing someone else? Is that it?”
Shocked by his outburst, I blink, sucking in a harsh breath before scoffing.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s him, isn’t it? You probably couldn’t wait to go running back to him. Hell, maybe you’ve been fucking him all along.” His words are laced with venom making my blood boil and pulse race.
He has some nerve making accusations against me when he’d been the unfaithful one. He’s always been jealous of Eric, and didn’t even try to hide the joy it brought him when Eric stopped talking to me, even though he could see how much it hurt me.
“Screw you, Christopher.”
He screams for me not to hang up, but I ignore and hit the end button, my hands trembling. Tossing the phone onto the bed next to me, I wrap my other arm around my gift from Eric as a single tear rolls down my face.
Moments later, I get an apology text from Christopher, and I let out a silent scream as I turn off my phone. This weekend should be interesting.
JUST FEEL
February 11th
“So, this weekend?” I lamely pry as we’re cleaning up for the day.
All week, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask her out on a date, and that’s the best I could come up with. Julianna throws me off my game. It’s not about the score with her; I want to take the trophy home.
She’s been more relaxed and open around me this week, like the Jules I know and love, but I have no intention of sliding back into the friendzone. It’s finally our time, and I’m not going to let it slip away.
Her back stiffens and she pauses before turning her gaze to me. “What?”
She watches me, wide-eyed and frozen, as I walk toward her, my doubt growing. I haven’t been this nervous over asking someone out since high school. Feigning confidence and calm, I smirk as I reach her, taking her hand in mine.
She sucks in a long breath, her eyes falling to our interlocked hands before lifting to meet mine again, a flush crawling up her neck. I’m not sure whether her reaction is a good or bad sign, but I push forward.
“Will you have dinner with me this weekend? I can take you somewhere nice or cook us something, whatever you prefer.”
My stomach knots as a frown mars her face. Dropping her head, she slips her hand from mine and turns away, busying herself again with cleaning up the studio.
“I can’t,” she sighs. “I’m flying out to Pennsylvania tomorrow after work. I need to pack up my things and have them shipped here.”
I furrow my brows, blindsided by this news. It takes several seconds for my brain to process the information. Had she been planning on not telling me at all? Why would she hide something like this from me?
“Okay,” I drawl. “How long have you been planning this?”
She shrugs, keeping her focus on her task. “A while.”
My jaw ticks as I run my hands through my hair, trying to keep a lid on my frustration. She’s acting like this is no big deal, but it is, and I don’t understand why she always makes it so hard for anyone to be there for her. She acts as if she’s able carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, but no one’s that strong.
“Hey.” I place a hand on her shoulder, urging her to look at me.
Her shoulders rise and fall as she takes a deep breath before turning to me with a fake smile plastered on her face.
“Yeah?”
Cupping my hands around her face, I peer into her eyes, hoping to see past all her walls and false pretenses. “You don’t have to do this alone. Let me be there for you.”
Her eyes lock with mine and I see it briefly—her vulnerability—right before she closes them. She places her hands over mine, letting out a sigh, as if reveling in my touch. Grasping onto me, she slides out of my hold then releases me as she steps back and opens them again.
“I’m not going alone. Lizzy is going with me.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for the two of you to travel alone,” I protest, shaking my head as I rub the back on my neck. “What if Christopher acts out or does something to hurt you?”
“He wouldn’t hurt me.” My jaw ticks as she rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, because he’s a real stand-up fucking guy.” I regret my choice of words the second they’re out. She blinks at me, her lips pursed as she crosses her arms. Grumbling, I scrub my hands over my face. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine
, I get it, but you don’t have to worry. Brenden is coming with us.”
“Brenden? Who the hell is that?”
It hadn’t been my intention for my tone to come out accusing and harsh, but what the hell? I’ve never heard her mention this guy before. Why is he the one who gets to be there for her?
“Lizzy’s friend.” She smirks, lifting her eyebrows.
As the tension melts away, I scoff. Closing the gap between us, I wrap my arms around her, tightening like a boa constrictor.
“So, what makes this Brenden guy more qualified to protect you than me?”
“He’s…” Her eyes drift down to my lips as her words trail off.
“He’s what, Jules? Stronger, braver?”
She laughs, shaking her head as she averts her eyes.
“No… He’s not you.”
My heart drops as her words sink in, my grip on her loosening.
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t realize you have such an aversion to my company.”
“What?” she gasps, her gaze locking with mine again. “No, that’s not what I mean.”
She places both of her palms on my chest, and my arms settle around her waist. “He’s not you, and that’s a good thing because I can’t handle feeling all of this when I’m dealing with all of that. Because this—you and me—scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I can do it—believe in you and trust in us.”
Her voice is weak and her eyes wet, reflecting the war being waged inside her. She wants to be with me as badly as I want her, but she’s letting her fears and doubts hold her back. As I pull her closer with one hand, I tuck her hair behind her ear before resting my other hand at the base of her jaw.
“I heard what you said before, about how I hurt you more than anyone ever has. And you’ll never know how sorry I am or how much I hate myself for doing that. But don’t count us out, Jules. Don’t overthink this to the point of talking yourself out of it.”
“I know you think you want this…that you want me, but—”
Crushed (In This Moment Book 2) Page 12