Her eyes twinkle as she bites down on her bottom lip and shakes her head. “Not for food.”
“Oh, thank God,” I mumble before bringing my mouth to hers.
Julianna walks into the kitchen as I’m putting breakfast on the table, and I stare at her unapologetically as she makes her way over to me. I love the way she looks right now, wearing one of my t-shirts, her hair still wet from our shower. Everything feels so eerily perfect in this moment, I’m almost reluctant to enjoy it. Like I’m waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me or the other shoe to drop.
What does it say about me that I can’t simply relish in the fact that I’m happy? Nothing good, I’m sure. When you long for something as long as I have for Julianna, it becomes this unattainable dream. Now that I’m living that dream, it’s hard to believe it’s my reality.
“It smells amazing.” Smiling, she wraps her hands around my waist. “Thank you.”
I return her embrace, kissing her forehead. “It’s only scrambled eggs and toast.”
Tilting her head back, she meets my gaze. “I wasn’t thanking you for the food,” she smirks. “Though, I am famished. Let’s eat.”
She gives me a quick peck on the lips before pulling out of my arms to take a seat at the table. Chuckling, I join her.
“So, why did you thank me?” I press.
Shrugging, she finishes chewing the bite of eggs she’d taken, then washes it down with a sip of coffee. “For everything,” she answers, putting her cup back on the table. Her eyes fall to her plate as she begins gathering more eggs on her fork. “For loving me.”
Those last words are nearly a whisper before she takes another bite and focuses on her food, avoiding looking at me. The fact that she feels as if loving her is a chore makes my heart ache.
When I reach over to place my hand on her arm, she lifts her gaze to mine. “I should be the one thanking you.” Her lips curl into a shy smile as she rolls her eyes.
“In that case, you can show me your appreciation when we’re done with breakfast,” she quips, laughing as I start shoveling my breakfast down.
While we’re cleaning up, there’s a knock at my door. We both freeze as we look at each other, and I shrug as she furrows her brow in question. I’m not expecting company, and I certainly don’t want any. I’m enjoying the little bubble of happiness we’ve created for ourselves far too much to let anyone burst it.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” she asks.
Shaking my head, I pull her into my arms, and whisper, “Nope. Maybe if we ignore them, they’ll go away.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, there’s a second knock—only harder this time.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to work.” She smirks. “I’ll go put some clothes on while you get that.”
She tries to pull away, but I tighten my grip to keep her in place. “Don’t you dare,” I grumble, sweeping my hand under the t-shirt and hooking my thumb into elastic band of her panties before snapping her skin with them. “You just wait for me in my room, and I’ll get rid of whoever that is.”
She smiles as a slight blush colors her cheeks, and I release her after she nods in agreement. Leaning up, she gives me a kiss before scurrying off to my bedroom, and a third knock echoes through my tiny apartment.
Taking long, angry strides, I make it to my door as the knocking stops. I swing the door open with vigor, ready to curse the person standing on the other side.
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” I hiss as my eyes land on the last person I expected or wanted to see. “Cara? What the fuck are you doing here?” I’m practically growling at her like a dog, snarling lip, gnashed teeth and all, but she only smirks, remaining unfazed.
“It’s nice to see you too, Eric,” she scolds, catching me off-guard as she pushes past me and steps into my apartment.
Keeping my hand perched on the edge of the door, I turn to follow her. “What exactly do you think you’re doing?”
She barely acknowledges me as she walks farther into my apartment, her eyes wandering over every inch of it. “We need to talk.”
“No, you need to get the hell out of my apartment. We have nothing to talk about.”
She finally stops and fixes her gaze on me before crossing her arms. “I’d hoped you’d contact me on your own after I came to see you. Since that didn’t happen, you gave me no choice. Now, you’re going to hear me out.”
Rage burns in my gut, then bubbles up in my chest, and I laugh condescendingly. “You’re truly delusional if you believe you can show up here and force me to talk to you. Why can’t you leave me alone? Nothing you say is going to change things between us.”
“Not even knowing I didn’t abort your baby?”
My ears ring as I blink at her, wishing I could wipe the smug look off her face, my mouth hanging open as I try to catch my breath. When I was ten years old, learning how to ride a skateboard, I fell fast and hard on my parents’ driveway. The impact knocked the wind right out of my lungs, and that’s exactly how it feels hearing her say those words.
“What?” My question is nothing more than a whisper.
“I came here to tell you about my son.”
Before I can process her words, a crashing sound comes from my bedroom, drawing my attention, and my heart sinks. Jules. She heard Cara’s little confession, taking the situation from bad to nightmare.
My head spins as my eyes shift from my bedroom door back to Cara.
“Ooops. Didn’t realize you had company.”
Though, the pleased look on her face tells me she did. Knowing Cara, ensuring Julianna heard what she had to say was a part of the plan. Narrowing my eyes at her, I slam my door shut and sigh.
“You’ve got two minutes to explain, then you need to leave.”
“Nope,” she clips, plopping down on my couch. “I’m not discussing this with her here.”
“Don’t play games,” I growl, my shoulders squaring as I take a step toward her.
She opens her mouth to respond, but the sound of my bedroom door opening stops her, and we both swing our heads in that direction. When Julianna walks out, she’s completely dressed with her bag draped over her shoulder.
“Jules,” I rasp, feeling choked with panic. I want to rush over to her and take her in my arms, assuring her nothing is going to change between us—or maybe I want the comfort of her arms. Either way, I remain frozen in place. “You don’t have to go.”
My emotions are running so high, I’m starting to break out in a sweat. I don’t want Julianna to go, but I’m desperate to hear what Cara has to say. If she had our baby—if I have a son—I need to know. I’ve already missed out on years of his life.
Her eyes snap over to Cara on the couch, then back to me. “It’s okay,” she says, coming to a stop in front of me. When she lays her hand over my heart, she gives me a sad smile. “You need to talk to her. I’ll see you later.”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and nod, then place my hand over hers as I open them again. “Yesterday, today, and forever,” I whisper.
Her chin quivers as she tries to smile, and my stomach knots. Giving me a brief kiss on the cheek, she removes her hand, then heads toward the door. As I listen to the squeak of the door opening, then the click of the latch when it closes, I tell myself everything is going to be okay, but when my eyes land back on Cara, I know that’s not true. This is the other shoe.
April 13th
“Please tell me you have good news for me,” I plead with Steven as he joins me at the table.
Agreeing to meet him at Zane’s probably wasn’t the best idea. My time waiting on him has been spent trying to drown my nerves with beer. After Cara dropped the baby bomb on me the other day, Steven was my first call. If anyone could get me some real answers, I knew it would be him. Having a good friend who works for the police department has its benefits, but this is the first time I’ve ever asked for a personal favor.
All Cara would really tell me was she had a son and he’s six years old. She wou
ldn’t even tell me his name. Not surprisingly, she’s using this as a way to get what she wants—to drive a wedge between me and Julianna. Cara wants to be sure the two of us can get along before she lets me be around him, which means she wants the two of us to spend some time together. She also said Julianna could not be around him.
I thought about fighting her on all of this, about demanding that she let me see my son and threatening to take her to court, but Steven told me I’d be fighting a losing battle. I hadn’t signed the birth certificate and haven’t been in his life at all. Even if or when paternity is proved, Cara could tell the courts anything to keep him from me. Since they tend to side with the mother, I could end up never getting to see my son. So, playing nice is best, but before I give her any more of my time, I want some proof that the kid even existed and could really be mine.
Steven gives me a tight, apologetic smile as he sighs and picks up the pitcher of beer, his eyes falling to his glass as he fills it. “I guess that depends on how you look at it.” He shrugs, meeting my gaze again. “I was able to confirm she gave birth in late November of two-thousand-nine.”
My heart pounds as I do the math in my head, my hands running through my hair and tugging on the ends. It’s close, but it was possible. This could be real. I could have a son.
Am I ready to be someone’s father?
The air restricting lump in my throat causes my head to spin as I reach for my glass, my hands feeling unstable as I bring it to my lips.
“What are you going to do, man?” Steven questions, eyeing me with concern as I take several gulps of my beer.
After polishing off the contents of my glass, I place it back on the table and shake my head as I sigh. “There’s really only one choice for me. I have to do whatever is needed to see my kid, even if that means playing nice with Cara.”
The tightness in my chest intensifies as my thoughts shift to Julianna. Thanks to Cara, she already knows there’s a possibility I have a son, but we hadn’t really talked much about it. I haven’t told her about Cara’s demands. When I do, she’ll insist I do what it takes to be in my kid’s life. I’m terrified of what that might mean for us. I can’t lose her again.
LET GO
April 15th
“Okay,” Dr. Gentry begins, settling into her seat. “Tell me about your week.”
“It was good,” I murmur, earning an impatient glare. “Eric and I finally made love.” My face heats as I shift uncomfortably on the couch, Dr. Gentry’s sparkling eyes giving away how pleased she is by my news. Sex, or the lack thereof, has been at the core of our past couple sessions. I’d expressed my fears about taking that step with Eric—how I felt as if I were still a virgin in some regards—and the good doctor, of course, encouraged me to push past my fears.
“And?” she hedges.
Shrugging, I bite down on my bottom lip to suppress my nervous smile and shake my head. My eyes fall to my lap. “It was great,” I reply, my voice a near whisper.
In truth, it was so much more than that. Being with Eric in that way was better than anything I could have ever imagined. I hadn’t thought it possible to feel more connected to him than I already did. But when we made love, I truly felt as if we were one. One body, one heart, one soul.
Jim made sex this ugly thing for me, and once I started dating Christopher, I viewed it as this purely mechanical thing. When I had sex with him, I’d always been completely detached. Making love to Eric, I felt more attuned with myself than I ever have.
“But?” she presses, as if hearing my thoughts.
My shoulders sag as Cara’s confession replays in my mind, the look of panic on Eric’s face playing in my memory like a movie reel. A son. She was claiming they had a son.
Eric isn’t confiding in me about what happened or how he feels about it, and I’m not sure whether it’s because he doesn’t want me involved or it’s Cara’s doing. I can’t be upset with him, though. I’m no better—refusing to share my own troubles with him.
Christopher’s father called me the other day. Apparently, Richard is acting as his lawyer now, and he informed me Chris had not and would not be signing the divorce papers. They are going to try to get the court to require counseling. Richard never liked me, and Chris doesn’t love me. So, you’d think they’d be happy to let me walk away. It’s not as if I’m trying to take anything from Chris. All I want is my freedom. It must be about appearances. Richard doesn’t want a divorce dragging the precious Monroe family name through the mud, and he certainly wouldn’t want word of Christopher’s affair to get out.
Now, things feel distant and almost strained between Eric and me again. We’re both hiding from the other. We took this huge step in our relationship, only to take two more back. It’s like the universe is conspiring against us.
“It’s complicated,” I tell her, lifting my gaze to meet hers.
Clicking her tongue, she places her pen and pad down on the small table next to her. Her stare becomes pointed as she crosses her arms.
“Things are only complicated if you make them that way, Julianna. Everything really can be black and white, yes and no. Do you love Eric?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.
“Does he love you?”
“Yes.” My answer holds the same conviction as it had a moment ago. I don’t doubt his love for me. Not even for a second. And acknowledging that makes me feel instantly better. Dr. Gentry is good at what she does, I’ll give her that.
“Well, there you go,” she chirps, her mouth curving into a crooked smile. “Sounds pretty simple to me.”
April 19th
Lizzy pulls the collar of her t-shirt over the side of her shoulder to reveal her tattoo. There’s so much detail in the piece of art, I find myself leaning in to get a closer look. It’s a little hard to believe Elizabeth Shea got a tattoo. This is yet another thing that proves how good Brenden has been for her. He pushes her out of her comfort zone and encourages her to enjoy life. I’ve never seen her happier.
“I love it. Maybe I should go get a tattoo.”
Adjusting her shirt back in place, she scoots around on the couch until we’re facing each other again. The smile on her face is so large, I can’t help joining her.
“You should. I’ll even go with you.”
“Yeah? Like you let me go with you?” I purse my lips and cock an eyebrow. Truth be told, I was a little hurt when she took Allison instead of me, but I understand it was a good bonding moment for them. Since she’s like a sister to Brenden, it’s important the two of them get along.
“Whatever,” she sulks, rolling her eyes at me. “Have you ever thought about what you might get?”
Last year, I fell in love with this amazing book where the main character got a tattoo of a heart that wasn’t fully closed at the top. It was in memory of a boy she loved, and she said the open heart reminded her of how she felt when she thought of him—like there was a hole in her heart. That’s exactly how I used to feel when I thought about Eric, and I decided then, if or when I ever got a tattoo, it would be a heart like the one. But, with Eric back in my life now, that idea seemed silly.
Then again, I’m not feeling so confident things will stay that way anymore. Not if Cara has any say over it, and I can’t even fight for him because it isn’t about her or even us. If Eric has a son, I want him to do everything in his power to be in his life.
My chest tightens at the real possibility of possibly losing Eric again and knowing there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“Hey,” Lizzy calls, placing a hand on my arm, dragging me out of my dark thought. Blinking to refocus my stare on her, I force a tight smile. “Where did your mind wander off to? Is everything okay?”
My head shakes as my mouth says yes. Trying again, I nod as a no comes out of my mouth this time. Giving up, I attempt to laugh at myself, only it comes out more like a sob, and tears begin to fall.
Pandora’s box was open, and I apparently lost my ability to cover up or lock away my emotion
s. I’m such a mess.
“You promised not to hold things in anymore, remember?” Lizzy scolds, though her tone is loving and her smile warm. “Talk to me, Julia.”
“Okay,” I concede, wiping my face.
After taking a deep inhale and letting out a long exhale to gather my thoughts, I tell her about Cara showing up and the claim she’s making. She’s tries to hide it, but I can see Lizzy’s concern written all over her face. Her drawn eyebrows and sad eyes say what she won’t.
“I can’t believe you weren’t going to tell me about this.” She gives my arm a playful smack. “What does Eric say about it?”
“Not a hell of a lot. He’s been pretty much ignoring it for the most part, but I know it’s weighing on him.” My voice is strained from the lump of emotion building in my throat. I’ve seen Eric nearly every day since Cara told him about the baby, yet I still find myself missing him. “He’s been distracted and a little distant. Any time I try to get him to talk to me about it, he changes the subject or gives me some dismissive response.”
“He loves you,” she assures me. “That would be a lot for anyone to process. He needs time. That’s all.”
“I know, and I want to be there for him, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’d be better off if I take myself out of the equation.”
“Of course he wouldn’t be. He’s going to need you more now than ever. Why would you even think that?”
“It’s Cara. I know she’ll use her son as a weapon, and I don’t want to be her ammo. I can’t stand the thought of her being able to hurt him because of me. If she forces him to choose between me and his kid, it will tear him apart.”
“From everything you’ve told me about this woman, you may be right. But don’t do that. Don’t let her win that easily. Have some faith in Eric and your relationship. The two of you are finally together, don’t let that go the second someone puts an obstacle in your way.”
Always knowing the right thing to say is Lizzy’s superpower. I don’t know how she does it, but I feel better. The love Eric and I share is stronger than this, she can only tear us apart if we let her, and I have no intention of doing that.
Crushed (In This Moment Book 2) Page 20