“Nowhere,” I answer him as Cheryl shoves her elbows into his side. She gives him a look, and little Evie finally looks away from me and up to her mom. She’s only a few months old, but she’s holding her head up just fine and staring at the world around her with wonder.
I’m not fucking settling. And not on a woman who doesn’t want me. For the first time since it happened, I regret thinking about knocking Grace up. My heart clenches in my chest, and I take another gulp of my water.
I don’t know what got into me with her, but I know it needs to end.
I made a mistake, and not for the first time. But I’m damn sure not going to let history repeat itself.
“Son, help me with something.” Ma’s request is odd, especially coming in the middle of dinner. Just like her calling me ‘son’ is throwing me off.
“Of course,” I answer her, setting my napkin to the side and following her to the kitchen. She keeps walking, out to the back door and to the patio.
“What do you need help with out here?”
My Ma’s a bit shorter than me and when she takes a seat on the floral tufted cushion, she’s even shorter. Taking my cue, I have a seat on the chair opposite her. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I do my best to appease her and whatever hints she has that I’m off.
“That’s not true. Mickey told me Grace hasn’t been in. Maggie said she thinks you two got in a fight.
What in the ever loving hell. My eyes must speak my thought for me. “Don’t look at me like that,” my mother scolds me. “They’re worried for you,” she stresses and my mom’s voice shakes.
“She doesn’t want to be with me,” I explain, getting right to the point and looking at my mother and saying those words makes the truth hurt even more.
“Bull,” my mother bites out, her eyes getting glassy. “I saw the way she looks at you and the way you look at her,” my mom’s hands clasp in her lap, almost like she’s praying. “You tell me what happened and I’ll tell you how to fix it.”
“I don’t need you getting us back together. I’ll settle down and find a nice girl one day.” My throat gets tight and I can’t finish my thoughts. Mostly about how my mother doesn’t have to worry like she is.
“Didn’t I love you enough to know what it feels like?” she asks me, a tear escaping and I lean forward, reaching for my mother’s hand. She shakes it away from me and wipes her eyes. “You love her and she loves you and this isn’t okay. I know Suzanne hurt you but you deserve love and I don’t know why you don’t fight for it.”
“She doesn’t want me,” I emphasize as kindly as I can to my emotional mother.
“Son, if you think I didn’t pick up on the fact that you were only friends before, you must think I’m fool. That first day I met her, I knew you two lied.”
“Ma, I-”
“Hush, boy,” she cuts me off. “I let it go because I could tell she wanted you. She had her eye set on you like I did your father. If you were blind to that, I can forgive it. But I can’t forgive you thinking she doesn’t love you. Not when everyone around you knows she does.”
She doesn’t get it and it kills me. I hate feeling like this. I hate seeing my mother like this even more.
“Do you love her?”
I hesitate only a second before answering, “yes.”
“Did you tell her?”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I answer my mother. “No.”
“Just promise me this. You’ll tell her how you feel. How you really feel.” She nods slowly as if agreeing to whatever she’s thinking.
What it is, I don’t know.
“Promise me, Charlie.”
“I promise, I’ll tell her.” When I answer my mom, I don’t think much of it. But the more I think about it, the more I know I don’t have anything to lose. She’s already gone, it can only bring her back to me.
Grace
You’re pregnant, the doctor’s voice echoes in my head. Congratulations, Grace.
I grip the steering wheel as I drive home, willing myself not to cry. It’s a mix of happiness, wonder and profound sadness. Charlie gave me a baby.
Four days past the supposed day I was supposed to get my period, AKA yesterday, I peed on a stick and then cried. I told Ann, who’s immediate response was: you have to tell him. I almost told my mother, but it’s so soon. So to the doctor’s I went, who, surprisingly also only had me pee on a stick.
Take it easy and be happy. Those were the good doctor’s only words of advice.
I have to tell him. Ann’s right. But how? It’s been a week. He messaged yesterday that we had to talk. Everyone knows what those words mean and then… I took the test.
How can I look a man in the eyes and tell him I’m pregnant when the words out of his mouth are that he doesn’t want to see me anymore?
With a right turn onto my street, I come around the corner, and I’m surprised to find Charlie. Fate is cruel. I couldn’t have had one more day before I have to face this?
Just one day of looking up cribs and searching for three-bedroom houses. Making plans and checklists and searching baby names and their meanings.
Deep breath in. He’s sitting on the steps to my building. Deep breath out and he sees me as I pull into my designated parking spot.
There’s isn’t a pep talk in the world that will prepare me so all I do is grab my purse and get the hell out to face him.
I imagine what I’ll blurt out:
I really liked you and even fell for you and you hurt me.
I miss you and if I hurt you, I’m sorry.
… also. I’m pregnant and I swear I wasn’t lying when I told you I didn’t think it was possible.
Shit… shit, shit, shit. I can’t say that to him. What if he really does think I’m a liar? What if he thinks I used him? Oh my God, I just can’t take this.
“You didn’t answer my calls or texts,” Charlie explains before I’m even six feet from him. He’s already standing, right in the center of the path.
I stare at him for a long moment, at his downcast expression and his regretful posture. He usually takes up all the space around him, but now he’s meek.
Sweeping my hand out, which causes my purse to fall off my shoulder, I gesture toward the doorway. “Do you want to come in?” My heart is frantic, although outwardly I’m trying not to show it. It feels like it’s all just too little too late. Too many days passed. Too many truths weren’t shared. This is where it all implodes.
“I… I have something I wanted to tell you,” I admit to him and it takes all the air in my lungs to do it.
Charlie ambles inside not taking his eyes off me, and I close the door behind us both. The click seems louder than usual. I put my keys down in the bowl and hang up my purse, then walk over to where Charlie has seated himself on the edge of the couch.
I look at him for a second, then sit on the bed, my butt pushing back my pillows.
“Talk to me,” he says.
“About what?” Nervousness pricks at the back of my neck. Does he already know?
“Just… tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. I want to know.”
Thump. “You sure?” I ask like a silly naïve girl.
“Really. Even if it’s all bad stuff about me, I want to know. I want you to get it out.”
His eyes plead with me, and I know I have to tell him. I can’t hide this from him, not with him here, asking what I’m thinking. I need to be strong and tell him what happened. I look down at the comforter, swallowing thickly and picking at the threads.
“I feel like you broke up with me even though we weren’t together,” the words slip out before I can catch them.
“We were together and I don’t want to break up.”
“I thought… I meant-” I start to say, but he cuts me off.
“You mean more to me than I told you. You do. You mean a lot to me.”
“Why did you--” I can’t even place what he did or what happen
ed that made me feel that way. “Maybe I just got in my head or--”
“No. I’m sorry, Grace.” He holds my gaze, and I feel it. I feel his sincerity. “I pushed you away and I’m sorry. I meant something to you too, right? You did want me?” he questions like he doesn’t know the answer.
“Of course I did. I still do. I don’t think I could ever not want you.” Surprise catches me in its grip, watching the relief roll through his shoulders.
It’s quiet for a long time, the sound of my heart beating faster and faster filling my ears. Tell him. Tell him about the pregnancy.
“You told Diane it was fake--”
“Diane?” her name comes out like a curse from my mouth as my ass pops off the bed. “What the hell did she tell you?”
“It doesn’t--”
“The hell it doesn’t matter!” I could kill her right now. What right did she have to come between Charlie and me?
Charlie doesn’t have patience for my reaction. “Listen to me Grace. Just listen to me.”
With his pleading words, I carefully sit back down, the bed creaking in the silence and I make a mental note to never speak to Diane again unless it has to do with work. She’s not my friend. There needs to be a boundary between her and I and I’m the one who has to set it. Gesturing for Charlie to continue, I wait for what he has to say before I tell him the whole truth.
“It doesn’t really matter because I shouldn’t have listened to her. I should have asked you. I thought it was over. And I’m sorry. But I want you, and I care for you….” His words are genuine and sincere.
“Wait. Wait.” I stop him and try to remember every thought I had last night. How he doesn’t have to be with me because I’m pregnant. How he can be in the baby’s life or not.
“I want to tell you something first… I…” I have to suck in a deep breath and stare at the ceiling to tell him. “I’m pregnant,” I say. Even though I thought I cried all the tears earlier, my eyes well up.
Charlie blinks a few times. “What?”
“I swear I didn’t think I could…” I can’t breathe as Charlie stands, his brow knit and he comes around the sofa, closer to my bed. My heart pounds.
“When did you find out?” he questions and in the million ways I imagined telling him that was never a question he asked. “Yesterday. I promise I didn’t know that it would happen when I said no condom… I swear,” I practically stutter as Charlie gets closer, his gaze intense and the air around him seeming to bend everything else, blurring it.
“I just came from the doctor and it’s obviously early and…” I don’t know what to say when he looks at me like that. With that sharp piercing gaze.
“Do you love me?” he questions me, now only inches away. The heat from his body wraps around me. My fingers dig into the comforter to ground me as I crane my neck to look up at him. He towers over me and my heart beats loudly in my ears.
“Of course I do.” Tears prick my eyes. I almost add, it’s okay if you don’t love me back. I’m so close, so desperate to be okay with whatever he wants because he makes me so happy and he’s the only piece in the puzzle of life that’s missing for me. I’ll take him anyway I can get. Please don’t leave me. I want to beg him. I’m shamelessly in love with him and he’s all I want.
“Good. Lay down sweetheart,” Charlie whispers, cupping my chin and kissing me just once, soft and sweet. A fluttering in my chest tells me it’s okay. With both of my hands wrapped around his, I lift my lips, stealing another kiss.
Before I can do as he wishes, he lowers his lips to my ear and confesses, “I want to make love to you.”
There are so many questions, so many decisions to make, but right now, that’s all I want. I want him to make love to me. I want nothing more than for him to love me.
Charlie
It’s not the sunlight that wakes me. It’s not my alarm clock, or the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s the instant knowledge that she’s in my arms.
Maybe I was dreaming of her, I don’t know. But in one second, I knew it was real, she was here and I had to wake up. I had to be awake to take her in and make sure I still had her.
I lost her once, and I’ll never lose her again.
Never.
She shifts slightly, her soft body going a bit stiff. I can feel the warmth from her, but there’s space between us.
Too much space.
Especially knowing… she loves me. My heart clenches as I wrap my arm around her and pull her closer to me. Nestling her ass right where it belongs, up against me. I lean forward, planting a kiss on her slender neck and waiting for her to turn to face me.
The sheets rustle as she shifts slightly and then rolls fully in my arms so we’re face to face. Those beautiful lips of hers turn up slightly, but it’s a sad smile.
“Charlie,” she starts, her eyes falling to the pillow as she pushes her messy hair out of her face.
“Whatever you want to hear, I’ll say it.” My voice is flat and hard, leaving no room for negotiation. Her eyes dart up to mine with a flash of something, something that’s gone before I can recognize it.
“What?” Her eyes search mine as she takes in a slow breath.
I try to steady my own breathing, wanting nothing more than to take her right here and now, but her eyes are holding me in place. They see through me, willing me to give her more.
“I want you,” I breathe my answer. I’ve never wanted someone or something so damn much. Nothing more than I want her right here, right now.
“For what?” there’s a vulnerability in her eyes as she swallows thickly and adds, “Why? Not because you feel obligated--”
“Stop. No, that’s not why. Don’t ever think that,” I answer quickly, not wanting her to ever get that idea in her head.
“You don’t understand,” her voice wavers and she shakes her head slightly, the wind brushing the hair from her face. “You want this, just what we have right now.” She says the words like it’s a bad thing.
“Of course I do.”
“I want you anyway I can have you. Like this, with a baby, with no baby. I’m so willing to… I don’t know how to explain it but it… It doesn’t… I don’t want to force you into something or be with someone… who…”
I cup her head with the back of my hand, waiting for her look at me. “Grace. I can’t tell you what I will want a year from now. Shit, I don’t even know what I'll want a month from now, but I'll want you in my life. I want you.”
“I want you, but I want a family, too. I just wish it hadn’t happened like this and the last time I saw you…” Her voice carries the same no-bullshit attitude as mine and she holds my gaze.
My heart beats loud in my chest and I swallow thickly, still holding her gaze.
I lick my lips, feeling my pulse race as I splay my hand on her lower back and pull her close to me. “I was a fool and I’m sorry. But I’m here now; I’m not leaving and I don’t want you to walk away from me.”
“I don’t want to walk away.” Grace huffs a sad laugh, shaking her head. “But you know me. And I know you,” she swallows, her voice cracking. “And if it’s not what you want... then we can work something else out and I’ll survive.” Tears form in her eyes and I shush her, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead.
She doesn’t stop, she lets it all out. “I love you and if this stays the way it is… I know I’ll let it be whatever you want it to be. I’ll let time go by. I’ll let you never commit to me. I’ll be sacrificing something I may never be able to have, and I’ll regret it. And Charlie, I want this baby. I’m so damn sorry, but I want a family too,” she wipes her nose with the back of her hand and then under her eyes with her fingers, all the while shaking her head. “I love you, but I want a family. I want a loving family. I don’t want to trap you or…”
I pull her back some by her shoulders so she can look at me as I say, “I want a wife, I want a baby. I want to fill my house with pictures of my kids and clutter from all those little toys.”
She’s still wiping away tears as I add, “Come move in with me. Let’s try this for real.” It’s not fucking around or a game, or pretend or a stupid drunken deal. I want to put my all into this, for her and for our future.
“Not for any other reason than to see if we can make this work?” she asks me. Right then and right there, I know how the rest of my life is going to be. She’s going to be right by my side if I can help it. I know with everything in me that we will make it work. Because she wants this and so do I. It’s easy between us. It always was. I was the reason we were apart. If I give her this, it’s over. I’m done for. She’ll have me wrapped around her finger and knocking her up again in no time. I search her eyes and all I see there is love.
It’s what I feel for her, too.
“I already know we work Grace. You’re my sweetheart.” I answer her with the only truth I know. “I want to be with you and that’s the only answer there is. I love you, Grace.”
Grace
Unwrapping a stack of plates, I move from the living room into the open-concept kitchen. The theme of this room must be gray, because the appliances, the countertops, and even the cabinets are gray and smooth. I set the plates down and open all the cabinets, searching for the place where the plates belong.
I find them in the last cabinet I open, far away from Charlie’s stove and refrigerator. Picking up my plates, I sigh as I move them into the cupboard. This is the third area of Charlie’s house I've found to be disorganized while in the process of moving my stuff in. Thankfully, he’s fine with me moving everything around. Like, actually good with it. He didn’t just say it to appease me, which is what I was afraid of. Most of the house was empty, with all of my things in here now, it’s... well it’s still a bit bare. We’ll make this house a home though. Charlie tells me that every night.
With a pleasant warmth running through me, I shut the cabinet door softly and count the days again. It’s been almost a month. I’m exhausted, which is apparently normal for the first trimester, but more than that, I’m still in awe that this is really my life.
Love Me Like I Love You Page 18