by J , Louise
“He is, isn’t he? Love is awesome.”
“Love is sooo fucking awesome.” We giggle like two silly idiots, but we mean everything we’ve said.
“Here’s to us and this all-consuming soul-mate stuff,” Leona says. “Touch, we don’t have drinks to toast with.”
I open my eyes to find her raised fist. I bump my fist to hers. “To us and this all-consuming soul-mate stuff.”
“Rock on, sista!”
I chuckle at her, closing my eyes again. “You’re an absolute nutter.”
“Talk of one of the devils,” she says.
I open my eyes again, looking in the same direction as Leona. Dane’s heading our way. He must have just arrived back from work.
“I didn’t realize the time,” Leona says, starting to sit up. “I better get going.”
I sit up to hug her goodbye. She walks towards Dane, stopping and chatting to him. I smile when he laughs at something she says.
A few minutes later, Dane’s with me. He’s seated leaning back against a tree. Between his legs, I relax into the cradle of his body. I show him some of the funny text messages Tommy sent me a little while ago.
Dane’s phone rings, so I move slightly as he reaches into his jeans pocket. I settle back in place and return to my mobile as Dane answers his.
“Ms. Scottsdale marathon runner,” he says, sounding happy and surprised. “… If it’s not Scottsdale, then you’ve got me already. Where are you? … What?” He’s definitely surprised, I’m now intrigued. “No shit, damn, girl.”
I start composing a text to my brother, so it doesn’t seem like I’m listening, but how can I not?
“What about that guy? … This is some development. It’s good to have you back, I thought you were going away for a few months and it ended up being years.”
Years? Interesting.
He laughs hard enough that the movement of his body jerks me. “Shit, it’s a nice surprise this call is … have you called Joe yet?”
Joe?
“Shit yeah. In fact, you really should call. He always wanted to know that you were okay. Su kept him nicely informed, but you should get in touch.”
It’s a woman who’s been away for years and she obviously hasn’t called Joe, but she should have. And Su’s involved.
“You do that, but contact Joe a lot sooner and let him know you’re back. If you don’t, I will. Don’t think I can’t pick up on your reluctance.”
This is bloody brilliant.
“About fucking time,” Dane mumbles to himself as he drops his phone on the blanket.
He was smiling when he said it, so I can say, “You seem very pleased?”
“You could say so. That was Callie, she’s … Fuck it, she’s Joe’s woman.”
I turn enough to lean sideways against him, so I can see his face. “Joe has a woman? I thought he was single.” Though, he’s way too sexy to be single.
“He is.” Dane becomes thoughtful, like he’s searching for an explanation.
“Complicated situation, I take it. That’s my own conclusion. I wasn’t listening intentionally to your call, but it was impossible not to hear you.”
Dane chuckles at me, I probably didn’t need to defend myself like that. He isn’t secretive about his phone calls, or anything else for that matter. “Complicated is appropriate.”
“Unless it’s classified info, I’m all ears.” I’m more than eager to know the details.
“Long story short; Callie and Su have been best friends since childhood and they got close to Saffron when they met her at a party, way back, like ten years ago. With that, they got tight with all of us; Joe, Adam, Gerard and me. Then a few years ago, Joe and Callie got together. They’d loved each other the whole time before that, but neither of them knew about the other. None of us did, either, though I did know she liked him at one point, right in the beginning – but that’s another thing altogether.
“One night they got together and things moved fast. They were getting married Vegas Style and just before the wedding, Emily, Jack’s mom showed up five months pregnant. Joe didn’t know about the pregnancy until that day. Callie couldn’t deal, so went to stay with family in Arizona. That was three years ago. It was hard for her to talk to any of us because of our connection with Joe, so the only person she stayed in touch with was Su.”
Dane laughs at me again as he takes in my expression. I’m so shocked. “Seriously?”
“Yup.”
This is frown worthy stuff. “So Joe was nearly married?”
“You find that hard to believe?”
“Not exactly, it’s just a bit of a surprise, really… I find it quite heartbreaking, and Joe’s such a great guy. What a shit way for things to go for him, for both of them?”
“Yeah, it was messed up.”
“Now she’s back, but he doesn’t know yet?”
“Yeah, she’s nervous.”
“That’s understandable, three years with no contact is a long time. I’d be nervous, if it was me.”
“Yeah, but he should – and will – know soon. It’s only right.”
“Well, she’s here. That’s a start.”
“True.”
I hang out with my thoughts for a little while, running through everything I’ve just heard. It’s unbelievable.
If ever there was an opportunity to casually find out Dane’s feelings about having a family, this is it. I’ll need to work up to it; I don’t want him to think I’m planning anything. I just want to know, and given that four weeks ago we took a huge step forward by telling each other how we truly feel, feelings we’ve confirmed a number of times since then, these are essential details to be aware of – for both of us.
I never ventured into this area of discussion in the beginning because I didn’t think we’d last. My confidence in us now is strong, so the moment the exhilaration of my first ride faded, Dane’s words about “Saff or one of the guys” having a little girl formed firmly in my head, and they’ve stayed there.
“Did Joe want children?” I ask, keeping my voice light.
“Yeah. Definitely not under those circumstances, though.”
“I take it he didn’t actually have a relationship with Jack’s mum?”
“No. They did get together after, but it didn’t work out.”
“Okay, two questions. One, I take it Joe still loves Callie?” The answer to that is obvious. “And two, what would you have done if some fling showed up preggers for you?” I kept my tone just as light and my expression soft, so he doesn’t think this is me being paranoid. I don’t expect for one second that some lady would show up pregnant with Dane’s baby; I’m just working up to what I really want to know.
“Preggers?” he says, arching a brow as he typically does when he finds my vocab interesting or weird. He’s not expecting me to elaborate on something as obvious as this. “He does still love her.”
“So it’s very likely they’ll get back together?” Genuine interest here; I’m a sucker for a love story and all things romantic. He nods, looking gorgeous and sure. “Preggers fling?” I scrunch my nose, intentionally, to add to the lighthearted nature of this particular question.
“Shit. It’s the last thing I’d want, but I’d have to deal with it. I think all kids deserve to have both parents in their lives when it’s possible, whether they’re together or not.”
Dane’s answer doesn’t surprise me; it’s in his character to deal with things sent his way. I imagine losing his own parents strengthens his resolve that a child deserves to have their mum and dad in their life.
Now, unexpectedly, I feel nervous.
I never get broody, but I’d be devastated if I couldn’t have children. I’ve always wanted them and I want to be married first. Somehow, asking Dane this question reinforces how much I desire having a family. I want that to be with him.
What if he says no?
I lower my head on to his shoulder and grasp a lock from his ponytail, hanging forward over his other shoulder, to
play with. Making every attempt to maintain the same level of interest in my voice, I ask, “Do you … want children?”
Epic fucking fail!
Even before the full question was out my heart was pounding. So much for keeping it light.
Silence.
Silence.
Shit!
Fifty Three: Dane
Do I want children?
Brooklyn’s tone and the change to her body language imply that my response is important to her. Is it a deal breaker for her if I say no? Probably. Does that matter to me? Yes, it does.
Fucking hell.
I try to break the silence with a reply, but I don’t feel like I know what that is anymore. It’s not clear-cut. I still have the same reasons for not wanting to have kids, but I want Brooklyn. Regardless of any inner battle I’m trying to contend with, I plan on loving the shit out of this woman for as long as I exist. I want to make her happy and that means giving her everything she wants and needs.
The truth is what she deserves, so that’s what she should get.
“I didn’t. That’s not the best answer, but it’s the most I can give right now.”
“You didn’t, but now you’re not sure?” she says, sounding more understanding than I expected.
“Yeah.” It’s a shit fucking answer to a straightforward question, but I can’t offer more than that. I guess I should confirm what I’m certain I already know the answer to. “Do you want them?”
“Definitely,” she says, in the same soft tone.
It’s a little after midnight. I’m lying on the sofa with Brooklyn sleeping on me. As I reach for the remote control to turn off the TV, my cell rings. I quickly grab it and answer before it wakes Brooklyn. “Su?” I say, keeping my voice low.
I’m not surprised by this call. After talking to Callie earlier, I expected some form of communication to happen between Su and I. Su expresses her frustration at Callie’s worries about speaking to Joe, so based on the plans I know he has today, I suggest a way that we could assist. And, as simple as that, we have a means to finally get them two reunited – sooner rather than later.
Fifty Four: Brooklyn
Dane is heading for the door and checks with me one final time that I don’t want to go to the funfair with him. I think given the situation it should be more personal. Having never met Callie, and after the drama of her relationship with Joe, I think it’s best if I’m out of the way. I’d prefer that too.
After searching through the TV channels, and finding that everything on is shit, I opt for reading instead. If I’d known today was going to turn out the way it has, I’d have brought my tablet with my collection of e-books. I’ve never considered Dane’s; I’m romance all the way, he’s sci-fi and horror all the way. We’re not exactly compatible in that respect, but maybe one of his books will have a love story as part of the plot.
Walking over to the bookcase, my gaze starts at the top shelf and slowly travels down, row by row. I pull out The Exorcist, which is ridiculous because I already know I’m not capable of taking that on. I spot one called The Ruins. I’ve seen a film by the same name and it wasn’t too scary. If this is it then I should be fine. Maybe that’s the way to do it; go for the ones I’ve seen the film versions of that haven’t scared me too much. I’ll bet the book’s worse, though, imagination is a powerful thing.
Kneeling down, I spot unexpected potential. I’ve seen The Color Purple and, though it’s at times heartbreaking, I think I’d like to read it. I slide it out from the bottom shelf and sit back on my heels, looking at the cover. I reconsider this option; I’d forgotten some of the details, the brutal experiences of the girl. I’m not sure now.
As I open the cover, a photo falls onto my lap, face down.
There’s faded blue writing on the back. It reads, Nadine, June 3rd 1996.
Picking it up, I turn it over and stare at the girl staring back at me. She has honey colored skin and auburn hair pulled into a ponytail. It’s only her in shot, waving at the person behind the camera. She has a lovely smile and she looks genuinely happy. I can see it in her brown eyes. I’m guessing she’s around eighteen years old.
She was Dane’s girlfriend in Hillsborough.
I get up, taking the photo and the book with me. For some long moments, I sit on the sofa looking at Nadine. She’s sweet, quite innocent looking. I doubt she’s so innocent now. Still, she’s nothing like Mia. Nothing like me.
So she’s the other girl Dane once loved.
This is weird. Why would he have a photo of her? And separate from his others? I’ve seen the ones on his computer and the ones from the earlier days that were developed. I haven’t seen a single picture of Nadine. Why would he keep it on its own in a book?
Sitting at his desk in the corner of the living room, I start up the computer. Maybe I saw her and didn’t realize because I didn’t know what she looks like. I’d seen Callie and her wonderful array of hair colors and her quirky style, and I didn’t know that until Dane said it to me last night. Now that I know what Nadine looks like I’ll spot her.
I go through the images Saffron uploaded onto the computer. Focusing only on the earlier ones, I make quick work of it. Nadine isn’t in any of them.
Dane’s been gone for over an hour, but I’m sure he’ll be out for a while still. That gives me time to go and check out the developed collection. He keeps them in a box in his wardrobe.
I sit on the floor by the open wardrobe doors and proceed to go through his collection. There are less of these and, again, I’ve seen them all before. He identified most of the people when he took me through them, but not every single person.
By the time I finish I still have no answers. There’s only one picture of Nadine, the one hidden in a book. I hid photos, and other items, from Adrian, but that was because he was a paranoid control freak.
Does Dane think that of me?
I linger on that thought – I really hope not.
He’s answered every question I’ve ever asked him easily. But I’ve never asked about Nadine. That was intentional – the moment he admitted to actually loving someone who he’d been with for years, the last thing I wanted was details about her or their relationship. Knowing he was with Clarissa for longer than me was bad enough, and he didn’t even love her.
Once everything is put back in its place, I sit on the sofa and think about what to do. The last thing I want is to throw accusations at him or come across as untrusting, but he has a secret photo of an ex, an ex who is the only other woman he loved.
What the heck am I supposed to make of that?
I’ve sat here for hours and still haven’t decided what to say or do. The one thing I’m certain of is that if Dane is waiting for Nadine or, for whatever reason, isn’t over her then I need to know. As much as I love him, I can’t be with a man whose true love is someone else. I won’t be. Not even for Dane.
The front door opens. Nerves have my heart rate spiking. Shit, what do I say? I glance over as he walks in, he looks happy and relaxed. Seeing him like that makes this so much harder. I force a smile as he approaches me and kisses me on the lips, before sitting down.
“How did it go?” That’s the only place to start from.
He fills me in, and at the very least, Joe and Callie have been reunited, so I imagine ultimately they’ll be fine. I’m exceptionally pleased for Joe, for both of them. I hope their outcome is perfect.
I hope I’m around to see it.
Suddenly, Dane looks at me like he’s reading my face. “What’s wrong?” he asks, turning to me and stretching out his arm along the back of the sofa, behind my head.
“Nothing.” I can’t ask. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want the answer or because I don’t want to revert back to stupid questions. I have secrets, too, and there’s good reason for that. Maybe I should leave it. Yes, I’m leaving it.
I force myself to smile at him.
Both brows lift in his ‘I-don’t-believe-you’ way. You see, we’ve been here bef
ore; I’ve wanted to ask him something that’s been on my mind, and he seemed to know that simply by looking at me. If I tried to avoid the issue, he’d look at me the way he is now. Dane is far from an idiot.
I don’t want to do this, I really don’t.
“Brooklyn?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, I’m fine.”
He sighs, clearly frustrated, and turns his head away. He freezes with his gaze locked on the object currently placed on the coffee table.
“You still love Nadine,” I say without intending to.
Fifty Five: Dane
I close my eyes and all I see is the image I know Brooklyn saw when she opened that book. I can’t remember the last time I looked at it, but it’s as clear as day in my head.
That day, right now, seems like only yesterday.
Looking at Brooklyn, I search her expression, her eyes. I can’t figure out if she meant that or not. “Are you asking me or telling me?”
“It wasn’t really meant to come out like that, but both, I suppose. I don’t know. It’s just that you haven’t really mentioned her and you’ve kind of hidden her. That … maybe suggests something.”
“Suggests what?”
She blinks twice, her gaze breaking away briefly. “I think it’s only right that I know if you do, Dane. If you do, then …”
“Then what?”
“Then, you shouldn’t be with me.”
I nod, and I mean every word that I’m about to say. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be with you.”
“What?” she mumbles through lips that barely move.
“I agree with you; I shouldn’t be with you. I can’t make you secure no matter what I do. I’ve given you everything I possibly can. I’ve got nothing more to give.”
Between the hurt look on Brooklyn’s face right now and the scent of her shampoo coming from her loose flowing hair, almost every part of me wants to hold her. That’s not happening.
Since L.A. she’s had a different kind of calm about her, like she’s been in a different place emotionally. I thought we were done with all this shit.
“This is different. I’m only asking because you’ve been hiding something. This isn’t linked to anything else.”