by Robbi Neal
‘Beth’s right, Papa,’ said Edie. ‘Who else would look after these people if you didn’t?’
Gracie wriggled again and to keep her still Beth asked, ‘What’s your birth date Gracie?’
‘November the fifth oh five.’
‘What’s the date today?’
‘November the fifth oh eleven.’
‘Just eleven, there’s no O when we get to double figures. There, you can go now,’ said Beth and Gracie scampered off to sit on her father’s knee, her curls bouncing as if eager to leap away from her head. Paul folded his paper and put it aside.
‘Give me one of your smiles, Gracie. My day is only worth living if you give me one of your smiles,’ he said.
She smiled at her father and then at Beth and at Edie.
Everyone noticed little Gracie’s smile and her gentleness that made them feel as though they had found where they belonged. Everyone who came to the door asked, ‘Have you got a smile for me, young Gracie?’ And when she smiled they put their hand over their heart to still its thumping.
As Gracie smiled at her, Beth felt the fog in her head clear and everything fell into place. Suddenly she knew where that somewhere else was that she wanted to be, and who the someone was that she wanted to be with, and she was filled with a deep sense of loss because neither would ever be possible.
Nineteen
The Smile
Which comes when least expected.
Edie’s eyes travelled over the same chapter heading again and again. She really wanted to toss the book against the wall except that she had greater respect for books than that and her father had taught her to control her temper, especially when it was threatening to go feral. Her mind was on Theo’s impending visit. Please don’t come, please don’t come today, she begged silently. If he came, once again she would feel that overpowering urge to leave everyone she loved and run off with him.
Every Sunday when he appeared on the doorstep a war raged inside her. On one side was Theo, on the other her sister and father. She was the rope, fraying and weakening, being pulled in both directions. Once or twice Paul had said to her, ‘Why don’t you go with him, love?’
And she’d said, ‘You know full well why, Papa.’
‘But I’m sure we could manage,’ he’d say, and she’d shake her head.
There was so much that kept her at home with Gracie and Paul. Early on Gracie had been so tiny. She had struggled to grow and would gasp for breath. Doctor Appleby had said it was still touch and go and would stay that way until Gracie turned six or seven. ‘She’ll catch anything and everything,’ he told Edie and Paul many times. And Nurse Drake agreed with him, ‘She’s a slow grower.’
‘But she’ll get there in the end,’ Edie would say, and she knew she had to stay and give Gracie the best care she could. Slowly Gracie had grown stronger, though she was never the size of other children her age.
But still Edie thought of Theo constantly. Was he at his piano? Was he teaching? Was he eating enough to stay strong? Sometimes she wondered what her life would be like if she ran off with him. She knew he wanted her to. And she knew she was going to carry this love for him forever. It was a weight in her chest, a yearning that never went away. Every time Theo came to visit she wondered if she would be strong enough to resist him yet again. The thought that she might weaken one day and lose her resolve frightened her. So Edie determined more than ever that her life was committed solely and wholly to Gracie’s wellbeing. She was sure this was the right choice, and when Gracie smiled at her Edie’s heart filled with contentment and she knew she was atoning for what she had nearly done to Gracie. More than anything else she was doing what her mother wanted her to do and though she hadn’t promised her mother she would care for Gracie she had written it as a promise in her notebook. And once something was written in her notebook, it was a done deal.
‘Edie, you’re awfully quiet,’ said Paul, resting his chin on Gracie’s curls.
‘Mmm,’ said Edie and glanced at her wristwatch — ten to three.
‘He should be here soon,’ Beth said.
Edie thought Beth looked awfully pale, ‘Are you all right, Beth? You’ve looked a little pasty all day.’
‘I’m fine,’ said Beth, putting her hand over the knot in her stomach.
‘I can answer the door today,’ said Edie.
‘No, it’s my job.’
Edie was taken aback by the firmness in Beth’s voice and wasn’t going to argue with her. ‘Thank you, Beth, these weekly visits have become so difficult for me to endure.’
‘Then stop giving him hope,’ said Paul and Beth at the same time.
Tears sprang to Edie’s eyes. ‘I don’t give him hope,’ she said. ‘Do I?’
Beth wanted to say, Of course you do, you let him know every week how torn you are, how tempted you are to run after him, and that gives him hope and it’s not fair. Maybe one day she would say it. Beth looked at the clock again. It was three o’clock.
‘I’ll get it!’ Beth said and she started towards the door.
‘But no one’s knocked yet.’ Edie looked at Paul, who shrugged.
Beth went to the front door anyway and stood behind it and waited. She knew what she was waiting for, she knew what had made her so stupefied. As soon as she heard his steps on the verandah she pinched her cheeks and flung the door open and the sun shone on her face warming her skin and everything in her world seemed brighter.
‘Haven’t you given up yet?’ she barked as Theo stood, his hand raised ready to knock.
‘Maybe — maybe not. Today may be the last day I’ll ever bother you, Beth.’
‘And why would that be?’
‘Well,’ he said slowly, ‘Gracie is six today, I remember. She is past her childhood illnesses and old enough to start school come next February, so Miss Cottingham will be free of her responsibilities.’
The clouds passed in front of the sun, suffocating it, and everything in the world turned dark and grey and the thought that he might not come to the door ever again made her feel that the whole world had shrivelled up and died.
‘Oh, you don’t bother me. Why, you’re part of the furniture now,’ she said.
‘But I’ve never been past the front door. And I really wanted to see that underground house Mister Cottingham built.’
‘The underground house is for us family only. Think of yourself more as a garden gnome.’
Beth looked out into the street. ‘Brought the whole town’s orphans with you as usual I see,’ and she waved to the children that filled the street.
Theo scratched behind his ear. Beth thought it was an endearing quality. She didn’t know many men who took time to think. Colin Eales never thought, he just plunged on in — he was a boy-man really. She gazed at Theo, so close to her with only the doorstep between them. She could feel the heat of his breath. She could smell his warmth and steadiness.
He looked directly back at her, his eyes intense and melting her. The moment stretched forever until he finally said, ‘I s’pose I better be seeing Miss Edie.’
‘Right.’ Beth walked slowly to the living room and said, ‘Guess who?’
Edie sighed. ‘This has got to stop.’ She stood and brushed off her skirt and didn’t notice Beth follow her to the front door and stand just out of sight, where she could see and hear everything that passed between Edie and Theo.
Edie held onto the door jamb and looked at him. She wanted him to speak first because she didn’t trust herself to be strong. She had to finish it with him completely. Gracie was only six, and though she was growing well, she wasn’t out of the woods yet. ‘Seven,’ the doctor had said, ‘wait until she is seven.’ Gracie had no mother but her and Edie reminded herself of that over and over, and of the promise she had made in her notebook.
‘Where is the child?’ His voice was raspy and wavering, as if he was on the edge of something momentous.
‘Um, she’s with Papa, it’s her birthday.’
‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘I kn
ow.’
The silence between them was threadbare and it barely held them apart. She was sure she could touch his soul if she just let go of the door jamb.
‘You do love me, don’t you?’ he whispered finally.
She looked at him and saw all the hopes she had held in her heart six years ago. She took a deep breath and held up her chin and he saw her straightforward, no-nonsense manner that he loved.
She sighed with her whole body and scrambled inside herself for the words she needed. When she spoke it was barely above a whisper. Each word was painful and she could feel her insides bleeding.
‘For six years now I’ve tried to ignore you in church. I’ve tried not to think of you at your piano, or walking each Sunday to my home. When I’ve lain awake at night thinking of you I’ve tried not to think about whether or not you are awake and thinking of me. I’ve tried to ignore your weekly visits and the rose you always leave on the porch. I’ve tried to forget your cowlick and the hair that always flops onto your brow no matter how often you try to sweep it back. I’ve tried to forget that annoying little habit you have of scratching behind your ear. When you play the organ in church I try not to let the notes swim into my heart. But I failed. I have loved you, Theo. I will always love you,’ she said and she let out her breath and felt an enormous burden released from her.
She saw the leap in his eyes, she saw them fill with stars and his face burst into a smile.
Theo saw the love in her heart. This would be it. She would be his. Today would make all the other days, all the months and years he had waited worthwhile.
She started to speak again but he got in first.
‘My last rose,’ said Theo and he held it out to her. ‘I have waited six years — forever. Will you become mine Miss Edith Cottingham?’ He bent over and with a swirl of his arm that was almost a bow put the rose on the step.
She felt her legs give way and she clutched the door jamb even tighter to hold herself steady.
In the hallway, Beth put her face against the cold wall and fell into it.
Theo could feel the thin space between them disappear. It was pulling them together. Edie was going to fall through the door straight into his arms. Her eyes were filled with tears, her heart was crying out to him, he could hear it. He knew she loved him with the same love that had carried him through the last six years. It was a yearning that haunted them both. Her hands were white and shaking as they grasped the painted wood and he reached out and tenderly unclasped her hand, one slender finger at a time. He would set her free.
He held her free hand in his and clasped it tightly, he would never let it go. He reached over with his other hand and brushed a hair from her face, then slid his hand down her cheek to her shoulder and down her arm to her other hand. Edie was ready to plummet into him, she no longer had the strength to resist his love. He was taking her other hand safely in his when all of a sudden it was gone, and he looked down and saw the child had placed her hand in Edie’s. Gracie poked her face around Edie’s skirt and Edie pulled her other hand from his and clasped Gracie to her side.
‘I can’t,’ whispered Edie, a tear spilling down her cheek, the cheek he had just touched with all the tenderness he felt for her. He looked down at the child and she looked up and smiled at him.
An angel struck his heart and split it open. He staggered back from the step. ‘Ahh,’ he said. Why hadn’t he ever noticed before? He could only put it down to the fact he hadn’t wanted to see. But now he understood what bound Edie to the house. It was not that the child needed Edie; it was Edie who needed the child. The child was the very life of the house and would never be sent away, not to school, not to a nanny, not anywhere. If she was sent away the house would stop breathing and shrivel and die.
He knew a charm had just entered his soul and he found himself bending down and picking up the rose and handing it to Gracie. Still looking at Gracie’s lovely smile he said to Edie in a feeble voice that even he didn’t believe, ‘She can come with us. Or I can come here.’
‘My father can’t live without her.’
‘Of course.’ He could see that. He probably knew that the day she was born, and had just refused to admit it. But now he’d seen the child with his own eyes. Properly seen her. Not like all the times he’d seen her in church and hated her for keeping him from Edie. Now he’d received the gift of one of her smiles he knew there was something about her that made you feel contented and at peace with whatever life brought. His mind frantically searched for an answer. He could live with them, but she saw his thoughts and shook her head.
‘You wouldn’t be happy in another man’s home, you wouldn’t. I’ve made my decision, Theo. I know where I am meant to be. I’m sorry.’
He stepped away. He thought he was going to take her away, to give her freedom from the child. But she had chosen the child. She wasn’t caged, she was already free.
Just like that he found himself able to let go. He wouldn’t come to the door any more. He would find another way to be with her, another way to let her know his love would be undying.
Edie slowly began to shut the door on him, thinking it was finally done and he was gone. She had set him free. She had nearly abandoned everything for him. She fell against the closed door still clasping Gracie to her. She leant her cheek against the door; on the other side Theo stood with his forehead pressing against it. The door could have been a mile thick with him on one side and her on the other. They were in separate worlds now.
Theo wandered off down the side of the house. He didn’t take the path, he walked on the dirt and kicked at the stones with the toes of his shoes, wondering what he’d do now; he had no plans, no ideas, no future. He hadn’t thought about anything beyond winning Edie. He hadn’t even thought what he would do when he won her.
He was halfway to the front gate when he heard a voice calling to him. It was a sweet voice and an unexpected voice.
‘Wait, I’ll marry you, I will.’
He turned and saw her in the dress that had first captured his heart completely, that skirt that had enraged everyone with its ridiculous shortness. It seemed quaintly old-fashioned now and he chuckled. He watched her ankles as they tripped along the stones, the hem of the pale blue skirt falling around her feet like clouds. She took his hand and skipped alongside him, she was faster than him and soon she was pulling him along behind her as though pulling him through life.
He let her lead the way and she took him down Webster Street and across Wendouree Parade and down the dirt path that circled the lake. He had to take little running steps to keep up with her as they almost ran along the path. He didn’t see the stares or the gaping mouths of those who saw them. She kept going, pulling him along until they reached the spot the children called Fairy Land, where the tall grasses grew tall. In behind the grasses, where the earth had been baked dry and hard by the sun, she fell breathless to the ground and pulled him down on top of her. She didn’t say a word, she was kissing his neck and he kissed her shoulders and then he parted her bodice and kissed her breasts and her skin was fresh and pink and for the first time since Africa he felt nourished. He laid his head on her bare breasts and shut his eyes and drank in the smell of her. He found his way under her skirts and slowly, slowly walked his fingers up her legs and inside the warmth of her body and he knew he had needed that warmth more than he had needed food. He undid his trousers and pushed her clothing aside and she drew in a sharp breath as he gently moved inside her and all the wanting, all the waiting was satisfied and in ragged breaths he whispered, ‘Marry me, marry me.’
And he felt such relief in knowing she would say yes.
Twenty
The Engagement
Monday, 6 November 1911, when the weather is the only thing that is fine.
All day Beth held onto her secret. She had told Edie she was ill and needed to spend the day in bed, but she wasn’t really ill — she just couldn’t look Edie in the face. So she lay in bed clutching her stomach, which filled with shame when she
thought of Edie and Colin, and then with happiness when she thought of Theo, which washed the shame away. The shame and happiness crashed into each other like waves, making her seasick.
Edie was kind and said not to worry that she had missed Gracie’s cake. Whatever happened it must have been important to make her disappear like that. Edie brought her tea and chicken soup, which she couldn’t eat because the kindness only made her feel worse. Then at five she slipped out the back door and walked to Colin’s.
Beth knew she was too early, Colin would still be at the pub, but she wanted to catch him before he got inside the house. If he got home before she caught him then she would have to knock on his door and then she would have to talk to his mum. So she paced up and down the track worn in the grass outside the house, she kicked at stones on the road, and she wondered what Beatrix Drake was doing next door and if her fella was with her. She must have been waiting for an hour when Colin’s front door creaked and groaned as it swung open. She knew it couldn’t be Colin and she didn’t want to face anyone from his family.
It was his mum, wiping her hands on her apron. She stood on the verandah and said, ‘You sure you don’t want to come and wait for him inside, Beth?’
‘I’ll wait here,’ said Beth. ‘I’ve got something I have to tell him.’
‘You can come in, Bethie, you’re family, love, you know that. You don’t have to wait out here, you’ve been out here for ages,’ and she held the door open.
Beth felt guilt coil in her soul and tighten around her veins. The waves in her stomach swelled. She couldn’t tell him in front of his mum and his brothers and sister.
‘No, it’s really all right,’ said Beth. ‘It’s cooled down a bit now, it’s turned into a pleasant evening. I don’t mind waiting out here,’ and she walked into the yard and planted herself on the verandah step.
‘I hope what you’re wanting to tell him is that you’ve set a date,’ said Missus Eales. ‘We’d all like to see that. Seeing as you’re both twenty-one next year, it’s a good age to marry. Why don’t you come in and help with the dinner?’