by Anne Fraser
For a split second she could see Daniel’s eyes widen in surprise, then he was looking down at his son, beaming from ear to ear. Pulling him closer, until his blond curls were tucked into his neck, Daniel looked at Colleen.
Thank you, he mouthed.
* * *
‘What would you like to do this afternoon, Harry?’ Colleen asked a couple of days later. ‘I know Nathan is coming over this morning, but if the weather clears up later, perhaps we could go out for a while?’
As they were talking, Dora came in with Harry’s breakfast and set the tray on the table.
‘I think you should have a go at feeding yourself,’ Colleen said to Harry. ‘Now you’re bound to make an almighty mess at first, so we’ll do it before your wash. How about it? Are you willing to have a go?’
Colleen cut up Harry’s toast that had been supplied with his scrambled egg into easily manageable slices. She wouldn’t call them soldiers. Harry would hate to be treated as if he were five instead of twelve.
To her delight, Harry managed, although with some difficulty, to pick up one of the pieces of toast in his hand and bring it towards his mouth. She waited with bated breath as he concentrated hard on bringing the morsel to his lips. Finally, after a couple of false starts, he managed to get it in his mouth. The fine motor control required meant that he was improving in leaps and bounds. He was making progress far quicker than she had dared to hope.
* * *
Just as they had finished breakfast and Harry was sitting up in his chair by the window, Daniel came into the room. He was wearing dark trousers and an open neck shirt—no tie.
‘Hello, everyone,’ he said. ‘I’ve taken the morning off work so we can spend it together. What would you like to do, Harry?’
Harry glanced up at his father and smiled briefly.
‘Nathan,’ he mumbled.
‘Nathan’s coming this morning,’ Colleen said quickly, seeing Daniel’s disappointment. ‘What about doing something this afternoon instead? I was just saying to Harry that we should try to have a session in the pool, but we could all go somewhere later.’
Daniel ruffled Harry’s hair.
‘You could have Nathan over another day,’ Daniel said. ‘I have to be in court this afternoon. It would give us the chance to do something together first. And you can choose.’
The boy pulled his head away and Colleen caught the bleak look in Daniel’s eyes before the usual mask came down. Don’t push it, she wanted to say. Give him time.
Harry shook his head again. ‘Nathan!’
Daniel’s mouth tightened. ‘You can have Nathan visit later. I’ve taken the morning off, despite the fact that I should be going over this afternoon’s case, so I think you and I should do something this morning, Harry.’
Harry flung Colleen a look so full of entreaty she couldn’t ignore it. Daniel was going about this all wrong. Couldn’t he see that?
‘I think since Nathan is already coming over, we should leave things the way they are,’ Colleen said evenly.
Daniel pulled a hand through his hair and a look of resignation crossed his face. ‘Whatever you prefer, son.’ And with one final look at Colleen, he turned on his heel and left the room.
Harry looked angry. As well he might be. ‘Dad. Work. Typical,’ he said. ‘No time for me.’
Although Colleen was thrilled that Harry’s speech and understanding was so much improved, it was the relationship between father and son that was concerning her.
‘To be fair to him, Harry, he didn’t know Nathan was expected. Your dad did want to spend time with you.’
She crouched by Harry’s side and took his hand. ‘You need to be patient with him. He’s trying his best.’
But Harry pulled his hand away. ‘You on his side.’
‘I’m not. If anything I’m on yours. But I know your father loves you. He’s just not sure how to show it.’
She reached out and gently turned Harry’s face towards her, forcing him to look in her eyes.
‘Give him time, darling.’
Suddenly tears were rolling down Harry’s cheeks and he buried his head in Colleen’s chest. ‘Want…my…mum,’ he said between sobs.
‘Oh, sweetheart, I know you do.’ And Colleen’s heart cracked as she held the sobbing child.
* * *
After Nathan arrived, Colleen left the boys playing a computer game. Nathan was working the controls, but Harry seemed to be engaged with the game, offering ‘yes’ and ‘no’s at regular intervals and even an ‘idiot’ once.
She tapped on the door of Daniel’s study and marched in without waiting for an invitation.
Daniel looked up from his papers and frowned. ‘Now’s not a good time, Colleen,’ he said roughly.
‘It seems that there’s never a good time, Daniel,’ she said. ‘Have you any idea how upset Harry is?’ She was furious. Despite what she’d said to Harry about giving his father time, how much time did he need? After everything they had spoken about, Daniel still didn’t have the faintest idea how to go about building a relationship with his son.
‘If you think that the occasional visit with him, or the odd DVD, is going to cut it, then you’re a bigger fool than I thought.’
‘Harry—’ Daniel started, but Colleen stopped him with a wave of her hand.
‘Your son is making progress—fantastic progress. But do I need to remind you that he has just lost his mother. He loved his mother deeply and that little boy is grieving. And not only has he lost his mother, but he’s lost the only home he ever really knew. He’s lost the ability to play cricket, to play computer games, he can only express himself with great difficulty and he’s only just learning how to feed himself.’
‘He’s managing to feed himself? But that’s great.’
‘Please don’t interrupt me, Daniel. Yes, it’s great that he’s learning to do that. But it’s not so great that he’s having to learn to do everything he once took for granted all over again. Your son has shown, is showing, great strength of character, God knows he must have got if from his mother—but every day is a struggle for him. What he needs now, most of all, is to know that he is the most important person in your life. That you are with him literally every step of the way. That you will love him, even if he doesn’t improve from where he is now. He needs to know that he can count on you. His father. The person who will be there for him through thick and thin and never ever let him go no matter what happens.’
The shell-shocked look on Daniel’s face had slowly turned to anger. ‘I don’t like to be lectured, Colleen. I am making time for him. If I could be with him all the time, don’t you think I would? But there is a small matter of my job.’
‘Of course. Your job!’
‘Yes, my work. When I heard about the accident I was in the middle of the biggest court case of my life. Do you think that mattered to me when my son was seriously ill in hospital and his mother was dead? But believe it or not, no matter what terrible personal tragedies are happening in people’s lives, the world continues. People who need you to act for them don’t care what’s going on in your life, not when they could be sent down for years because they weren’t represented properly. I managed to get the case deferred for a while, so I could spend time with Harry in hospital, and then when it was clear that he was going to be there for some time, I tried to hand the case on to a colleague. But the client wouldn’t have it. Funnily enough, he trusted me. He believed, rightly or wrongly, that I was the only person who could save his neck, and he was right. I am bloody good at what I do. It’s his case that is starting this afternoon—the preliminary hearing—and I should be in chambers as we speak, going over the defence reports one more time, but because my son needs me, I am here. I can’t be with him this afternoon, and not very much over the next few weeks, certainly not as much as I would like to be, but I have no choice.’
His breath was coming in short rapid bursts as if the effort of keeping himself under control was costing him dearly. Colleen was stunned
by the naked pain in his eyes.
‘So why didn’t you just tell him that? Explain? The way you have just explained to me? Your son is angry, hurting and not just physically, but he loves you and I suspect from the photograph we found under his pillow—he’s proud of you. At the moment he thinks you’re not giving him the time or attention he craves, because you’re not interested. Tell him the truth. Spend every minute you’re not in court, or preparing, with him. Even if it’s just sitting with him.’ An idea was forming in her head. ‘And maybe—I don’t even know if this is possible …maybe I could bring him to court some time so he can watch you.’
They were both staring at each other across Daniel’s desk. For a moment there was a silence. Something seemed to shimmer in the room. Colleen’s heart was pounding so hard she could almost feel it kicking against her ribs. Daniel reached across and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.
‘Has anyone ever told you, Colleen McCulloch, that you’re some woman? Anyone would be lucky to have you on their side and fighting for them. Maybe you should have considered a career in the court?’
Colleen’s legs felt as if they were about to give way. She reached behind her for the chair and almost collapsed into it. Why was everything with this man so…fraught?
Daniel leaned back and studied her through half-closed eyes as if she were a problem he couldn’t quite get a fix on. ‘I’d like Harry to come to court one day. Perhaps then he’ll understand why it was so difficult for me to be around.’
‘If you want him there so you can excuse your absence from his life, then I think it’s going to take much more than that.’
‘Determined not to let me off the hook?’
Colleen used the edge of the desk to ease herself on to still-weak legs.
‘I think it’s you that has to let yourself off the hook, don’t you?’ And with as much grace as she could manage on her wobbly legs, she left the room.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DANIEL was still feeling irritable when he got up the next morning. As soon as he was dressed he crept into Harry’s room to say goodbye before leaving for chambers. The night nurse rose from her chair as he entered the room, but he signalled for her to stay seated and crossed over to Harry’s bed. His son was still sleeping, his blond hair, so much like his mother’s, falling across his brow.
Harry sighed in his sleep and Daniel’s chest tightened. Why hadn’t he tried harder to get to know his son when he had the chance? He could still have been a lawyer and made a decent living without working almost every waking hour. The money had never really interested him.
Haversham had been handling most of his father’s business since Harry’s accident and was doing a good job. Realistically, all Daniel needed to do was attend the monthly meetings and study the published accounts. His court cases were another matter, especially the pro bono ones. If he didn’t take them on, who else would?
He bent down and kissed Harry on the cheek before saying goodbye to the nurse and letting himself out of the room. Who was he kidding? He worked because the truth was he didn’t know who Daniel Frobisher was outside work. Doing what he did defined him. But yesterday, spending time away from the never-ending cases piled up on his desk hadn’t prevented his cases from being as well prepared as they should be. But if he were honest with himself—and with Colleen around to be his conscience, it was hard to be anything else—he did find spending time with his son difficult. He didn’t have a clue how to reach him—how to talk to him, how to simply be with him—not the way Colleen, a comparative stranger, did. But she was wrong about one thing. He would never give up trying to learn how to be the kind of father Harry deserved. Perhaps there was a way to spend time with his son while keeping on top of his cases. Surely all he had to do was work harder?
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE following day Daniel woke up with a smile on his face. He couldn’t remember when he’d looked forward to a day off before. In fact, when had he last taken a day off? When had he last gone to the theatre? Or to a concert or even for a drive? Haversham was dealing with the business and Daniel wasn’t due in court until tomorrow. From now on things would be different. He would spend proper time with his son, do all the stuff he should have done years ago. The stuff that according to Colleen other fathers did with their children. Starting today. Yesterday in the pool when Harry had clung to him he’d felt as if his heart would break. Up until now he wasn’t even sure that he had one to break. It had felt good to hold Harry in his arms. And that was down to Colleen. For the first time he allowed himself to believe that his son would come back to him. Maybe even learn to love him.
The rain had disappeared and the sun was streaming in the window. He would ask Colleen where she thought they should go today. He jumped out of bed and into the shower. Thinking of Colleen made him smile. This house with its large, empty rooms had never felt like home before. Now he found himself listening out for light footsteps on the wooden floors, the sound of her laughter. God, he even liked it when she was confronting him, hands on hips, eyes blazing with indignation. And those hips. He’d noticed them before when she’d come down to the kitchen and he couldn’t help notice them again when he saw her in the pool. And it wasn’t just her hips. It was her tiny waist and her small but perfect breasts. With her long hair plastered to her face she looked like some sea sprite just risen from the sea. God, she was bringing out the poet in him, too. He was even beginning to think in the same rhythms that she spoke.
* * *
As soon as he was dressed, he went to look in on Harry. His son was still sleeping, his light blond hair falling over his forehead and his mouth only beginning to lose its childish softness.
Daniel closed the door gently on his sleeping son and bounded downstairs to the kitchen. He sneaked up on Dora, who was busy stirring a pot on the stove, and wrapped his arms around her waist.
Dora shrieked and spun around.
‘Mr Frobisher! I didn’t hear you coming in. What’s with the boyish pranks? Aren’t you getting too old to be frightening an old lady half out of her wits?’
Daniel grabbed a piece of toast from the kitchen table. ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you. I just felt like giving you a hug.’
Dora eyed him speculatively. ‘What’s brought all this on? I haven’t seen you look this cheerful for a long time. Far too long a time.’
Daniel sat down on the kitchen chair. ‘For the first time, Dora, I believe that Harry’s going to be okay. Really okay. How can I not be happy about that?’
‘I heard he’s turned a corner. Colleen was down here not a minute or two before you, telling me all about it.’ Dora’s eyes grew soft. ‘I’m so happy for you. That girl seems to know what she’s doing.’
‘You mean Colleen?’ Daniel said casually. ‘I always knew she was the right person for Harry.’
‘And the right person for you, perhaps?’
Daniel jumped to his feet. That was going too far. ‘Sorry, Dora. You know I’m never going to get married again. I was rubbish at it when I was married to Eleanor and I’m never going to put another woman through that again. Apart from that, don’t you know Colleen is getting married herself? In a couple of months’ time, if I remember.’
‘So she told me,’ Dora said, drily. ‘Anyway, what are you wanting for your breakfast? The usual glass of orange juice to go with your toast. Bacon? Eggs?’
‘The full works, Dora,’ Daniel replied cheerfully. ‘I’ve a feeling I’m going to need some fortifying for the day ahead. Then I’m going to take Harry’s breakfast up to him.’
* * *
Once he’d eaten Daniel went back to Harry’s room with a tray. His son was sitting up in bed and managed a small smile when he saw his father. It was still nothing in comparison to the smiles he bestowed on Colleen, but it was a start. ‘What about breakfast?’ he asked. ‘Porridge and toast?’
Harry pulled a face.
Daniel laughed. ‘Okay, maybe we can hide the porridge from Colleen. But let’s give the
toast a try.’ He turned to the night nurse. ‘I can take it from here. You might as well get off.’
‘I don’t like to. Not until Colleen gets here.’
Daniel looked at his watch. It was still early. ‘I doubt she’ll be here for another half an hour or so. Don’t worry, we can manage, can’t we, son?’
To his relief, Harry nodded.
After the night nurse had said her goodbyes and left, Daniel buttered Harry’s toast and cut it into small pieces. ‘My mother used to do this for me when I was a little boy.’
Tears welled in Harry’s eyes. ‘Mum used to,’ he said.
Daniel’s chest tightened. His first instinct was to pretend he hadn’t heard. But he could almost hear Colleen’s voice telling him that he had to find the words to comfort his son.
‘Your mother loved you very much,’ Daniel said. ‘When my mother died, I was too young to really know that she wasn’t coming back. Sometimes I’d want my mum so bad, I thought I would break into pieces. I was angry with her for not coming when I needed her.’
Harry’s eyes were fixed on his face. Daniel struggled for the right words. God, he wished Colleen was here. She’d find exactly the right words. He lay down on the bed and put his arm around his son.
‘Dora was our housekeeper back then. She told me that my mother would always be part of me. That she was watching over me and that she wouldn’t want me to be sad or angry.’ His throat was so dry he could barely speak. ‘It wasn’t always easy to remember that, but I tried to and it helped.’ He smoothed Harry’s hair with his hand. ‘I know that your mother would never have left you if she had the choice and that she is somewhere watching over you—even if it’s because of the memories you have of her inside.’
His words sounded so inadequate. He glanced at Harry. Although he looked unconvinced, his eyes had cleared. If only Daniel had tried harder to get to know his son, perhaps he would have found the right words. But there was no point in thinking about what could have been—should have been—he had to deal with the present.