‘Why this negativity suddenly? I thought you had this. When I spoke to you last—’
‘I don’t know. . . something Matt said, my own doubts, a feeling that I’m shirking my real responsibilities, that I’m running away from things I don’t feel capable of dealing with. But those things will still be there even if I live in Rome. They might come in different packaging but they’ll still be there.’
‘What did Matt say? Or can I guess this?’
‘You can probably guess it. I told him about Alessandro. I didn’t see any point in hiding it and he’s got Tamara now. He said that I was running away and I belong here in England. Perhaps he’s right.’
‘It has nothing to do with Matt. What does he care where you go? He gave up all rights to have an opinion when he walked out on you.’
‘We have a history together. He’s just looking out for me.’
‘It doesn’t sound that way to me. Are you sure he’s not just jealous?’
Kate paused. ‘I don’t know. He said. . .’
Jamie rolled his eyes. ‘He wants you back, can’t stop thinking about you, he’s made a terrible mistake. . . All the rest of it.’
Kate raised her eyebrows. ‘How did you know?’
‘Honey, I’ve been round the block a few times, even though this youthful face would say otherwise. Of course he wants you back because now he can see that you’re having more fun than he is. He wants what you have, or what he thinks he can’t have, and he’ll never be happy with what he’s got because someone else’s life will always look better.’
‘I don’t think it’s that. . .’
‘Think about it – he didn’t want you until someone else wanted you. Now Alessandro finds you desirable he does too. But if you were his again, he’d take you for granted like he did before. Like the little kid who doesn’t like apples until his best friends are all telling him that apples are the greatest thing in the world, then he wants apples. But when he gets an apple it’s not what he thought it would be. You understand?’
‘I’m an apple?’
‘You’re an apple, and a cute one at that. So screw Matt. He had his chance of apples and he blew it. Let someone else who’ll enjoy it have the apple.’
Kate laughed lightly, but then she frowned. ‘Say you’re right, I still don’t know if that’s the answer. It doesn’t mean I have to take him back – and believe me that is the last thing on my mind – but it doesn’t mean Rome is the right choice either.’
‘What about Alessandro? I thought you were crazy in love.’
‘But when it comes down to it, I’ve only known him for a week.’
‘You love him?’
‘I feel as if I do, but it’s complicated, isn’t it? I don’t know him at all so how can I be certain?’
‘Maybe you know enough. It’s not like you can’t go home if it doesn’t work out.’
‘That’s true, but I don’t know if I’m emotionally solid enough to deal with the fall-out if it doesn’t.’
He was silent for a moment as he sipped his beer. ‘I think that’s your issue right there. Only you can get past that and move on and only you know if you’re strong enough to try. But I wouldn’t spend too much longer working it out, because from what I’ve seen of your hot cop, those ladies must be forming a line around the block bigger than the one to get into the Vatican museums for a piece of him.’
‘He wouldn’t go with another woman, would he?’ Kate asked, filled with a sudden sense of alarm as her thoughts went back to the wilful and very available Orazia, who was ready and waiting to take her place at a moment’s notice and would be only too happy to erase Kate from Alessandro’s thoughts. Was he the unfaithful type? Would he go off with someone else that quickly in her absence? He was attractive and charming, and he was only human. Perhaps Jamie had unwittingly provided her with the answer to the problem of whether she should go or not, but not the one he wanted to. ‘I mean, he’d wait?’
‘Nobody is going to wait forever. It may be tough, but you need to make a decision or you’ll lose him.’
Jamie’s words stayed with Kate until the lights had gone out and she was lying in bed, still wrestling with them as she tried to sleep. She had wanted to speak to Alessandro, just to hear his voice and feel reassured that he wasn’t going to give up on her, but he wasn’t answering his phone. He was probably on duty, but it didn’t help to allay her fears.
Things hadn’t exactly got any easier when she woke the next morning to a long email from Lucetta. It was no surprise to hear from her, as she’d promised to search for an apartment for Kate and was updating her on what she’d found, sending over the details for one in particular that she thought was great – in a prime location, reasonable rent, a landlord with a good reputation, wonderful views and the most beautiful clematis trailing from the balcony. It sounded perfect and Kate felt a flutter of excitement just looking at the photos, though she had to check herself on noting that the rent wasn’t quite as reasonable as Lucetta seemed to think. Trying not to choke on her wake-up coffee, Kate read on, and if she had spluttered at the sight of the rent on the proposed apartment, what came next was sure to send a spray of coffee right across her living room had she not been half expecting it.
Alessandro has spoken to Mamma. He has told her about your love for each other. I was in the kitchen with Abelie, and we ran in to see what the matter was. Mamma was shrieking and crying. She said she would not have invited you into our home if she had known. Alessandro said she was overreacting but Mamma thinks it is a huge disaster. Mamma thinks that you will not come back as you have said you would and Alessandro will have his heart broken again, and he will never try to find a wife after that. I told her that we have been trying to find an apartment for you. Mamma says that even if you do return to Rome you will want to go home to England eventually and you and Alessandro will get a divorce. Mamma says that would put her in a grave (we have not dared to tell her that you are already divorced). Alessandro says you and he are not getting married yet so she does not need to worry, but that made her crying worse! She says there is no point in you coming to Italy to be with Alessandro if you are not going to get married. But you will marry Alessandro, won’t you? Mamma will not be happy until you do. I am leaving home, of course, but poor Abelie will have to listen to her complaints every day, and she begged me to ask you if you would consider marrying Alessandro very soon.
I asked Mamma if she liked you and she said yes, you were a very kind and good woman but not for Alessandro. He told her again that he loves you, and she said that was worse because if you wanted to go back to England he would want to return with you and live there and her only son might as well be dead as living in Manchester. She says that she would probably die on the spot anyway, so I said it wouldn’t matter if Alessandro was dead to her or not because she wouldn’t know about it. She did not like that and chased me from the kitchen with a broom. She has not done that since I was fifteen.
I am sorry to tell you, dear Kate, that my mother has decided to try very hard to find Alessandro an Italian girl to marry. She likes you very much, and I do not want you to be offended by this, but she says you belong in England with an English man. If you love Alessandro as I know he loves you, you must return soon or Mamma may find someone he likes just as well in your absence. She is so desperate I think she would even consider Orazia, which would make Maria happy, although I think the rest of us may consider leaping out of the window. But when Mamma says she will do something, she is very determined. She has already spoken to Federigo Valvona about his daughter, but I do not care for her because she once said my nose was big. I went to see Federigo and told him that my mother was going crazy in her old age and Alessandro did not need to meet with his daughter because he was spoken for, but I will not be able to do this every time Mamma tries to find a match.
I hope it is not raining too much in England. Rome is sunny and hot, and we miss you.
Lucetta.
Kate had to assume that when Lucetta said they misse
d her, she was referring to herself and Alessandro and possibly Abelie. It certainly didn’t sound as if Signora Conti did. Lucetta was probably aiming for sparky conversation rather than all-out threats, and Kate was sure she had meant well in sending the email to keep Kate abreast of all that was happening in the Conti household, but in reality all it had done was feed the doubts Kate had already been growing rather nicely herself. If his mother didn’t really believe in a relationship with Kate, and had more or less told Alessandro that she didn’t want Kate in their family, however highly she had regarded her as a friend (she was not even that, but only a brief visitor really), then was there any point in going back to Rome? If the matriarch wouldn’t accept Kate, then would Alessandro end up bending to her will? And all those beautiful, suitable, favoured Italian girls would be there to step into Kate’s shoes in a heartbeat, just as Jamie had said. Despite Lucetta’s insistence that she was not suitable or wanted either, images of Orazia sitting next to Alessandro at the family dinner table, taking the place Kate should have occupied instead, filled her thoughts. It seemed that bloody woman refused to leave them, and her face popped up more and more the longer she spent away from Alessandro, which was worrying in itself and suggested to Kate that she might soon be just as much a bunny boiler as her adversary. And although she had no idea what Federigo Valvona’s daughter looked like, she couldn’t trust that the girl wasn’t lovely enough to turn Alessandro’s head in her absence either. It was frustrating that she couldn’t be in Rome to smooth everything out, but then would she have made things better, even if she had been there? For now she had to trust that Alessandro and Lucetta could fight her corner and talk their mother round.
After breakfast she had tried to call Alessandro again, but once again his phone was unanswered, and so there was nothing more she could do but dwell on what a mess it was all becoming.
Kate cheered herself up the only way she knew how – she made a dress. And it seemed a good idea to try and cheer someone else up in the process, so after breakfast, once she had decided that she wouldn’t be able to speak to Alessandro for a while without interrupting his shift, and that it was pointless to mope about it, she set about making a dress for Lily. It was a copy of her rose-print number, a dress that Lily had always admired, using a swathe of fabric patterned in a forget-me-not motif she’d picked out and bought with Lily a few weeks before but hadn’t got around to using yet. The sizing would have to be approximate because she wanted it to be a surprise for Lily, but she could alter it once her sister had tried it on to make it the perfect fit. It wasn’t exactly going to lift her from her grief – Kate wasn’t silly enough to think it would come anywhere near – but at least it might be a symbol, something to show Lily that Kate was thinking of her.
It was early evening by the time Kate had got the dress in a state she felt happy enough to show Lily, and during that time she had pushed all other thoughts but the creation of it from her head. So by the time she turned off the sewing machine, she felt calm and pleasantly empty of her recent angst. A quick text to Lily confirmed that she was up to a visitor, and rather than sit around moping by herself, Kate was in the car and on her way over.
Joel answered the door. He looked exhausted, and almost overwhelmed with relief to see Kate, but at least he was there and that was progress considering his absence at her last few visits. Perhaps he and Lily had had that talk after all, she wondered as she followed him down the hallway.
‘You two don’t need me, do you?’ he asked as Kate bent to the sofa to give Lily a kiss.
‘We’ll be alright for an hour,’ Kate said.
‘OK. I’ll get out of your way. . . have an hour on the Xbox.’
Kate smiled and he disappeared. ‘How are you feeling today?’ she asked Lily.
‘Pointless,’ Lily replied.
‘And Joel? You two are OK?’
‘He’s still here. . .’
Lily looked spaced out but calm enough. Kate supposed that was down to the drugs she was taking. She didn’t have an answer for her sister’s critical appraisal of the situation, so she simply sat down next to her and pulled the dress from a bag. ‘What do you think?’
‘It’s gorgeous,’ Lily said in a dull voice.
‘It’s the same pattern as the rose one you like so much.’
‘Oh, I see that now. Did you just make that?’
‘Yes. For you. Remember this fabric? We picked it out but you said. . .’ The sentence tailed off as Kate recalled the conversation. Lily had chosen the fabric and Kate had said she would use it to make her a dress. But Lily hadn’t wanted Kate to do it until after the baby was born, in case she had changed shape or size. ‘Well. . . the point is you chose it so I’m hoping the dress isn’t too far off what you wanted.’
‘It’s beautiful,’ Lily said. ‘Thank you.’
Kate laid the dress across the duvet that Lily had pulled up around her shoulders like a shield. Lily didn’t reach for it; she simply stared at it.
‘Do you want to try it on?’ Kate asked. ‘Then I can see if it needs altering.’
‘I haven’t had a shower today – I’ll probably make it dirty.’
‘It’ll wash.’
Lily shook her head. ‘Later. I’ll have a shower when you’ve gone and then try it on. If it needs altering I’ll let you know.’
Kate chewed her lip. She had hoped to get more of a response than this – not that she expected undying gratitude, but she had wanted to shake Lily into a more receptive state. Her sister loved clothes, and especially loved the fact that Kate could make them for her so that nobody else had the same, and Kate had been convinced that she would be a little more engaged with her surprise gift than this.
Lily pulled her duvet further up around her neck and turned onto her side. She looked up at Kate. ‘Have you got another job yet?’
‘No. I don’t intend to. . . at least, not at the moment. I’m going to get some business cards done, put some advertising out, see if I can get some orders for sewing in. I thought I’d have a look for some premises maybe too, if the rents are cheap enough.’
‘Is there any point in finding premises if you’re moving away?’
Kate blinked. So Anna had told Lily about her plans? But this was the first Lily had said about it. Did that mean she didn’t care? Or that she simply had so much of her own pain and worry she didn’t have room to fit any more in?
‘What’s Anna told you?’
‘That you want to live in Rome.’
‘That’s it?’
‘And about your boyfriend there.’
Kate opened her mouth to speak, but they were interrupted by a knock at the door.
‘That’ll be Anna now,’ Lily said, though she made no attempt to get up.
Kate stood and went to the door to let her other sister in.
‘I just don’t think it’s a wise move, at least not without a bit of time to think it over,’ Anna said. She was curled up in the armchair across from Kate, while Lily was tucked up in her duvet, watching the exchange. The conversation had turned pretty quickly to Kate’s plans, particularly as it was the topic they had been discussing on Anna’s arrival. ‘What’s the rush?’ Anna continued. ‘Leave it for six months and if you still feel strongly that Rome is where you want to be then see about going. But you’re fresh back from a fantastic holiday where you met a fella and probably had some steamy sex. . .’ she held a hand up to silence Kate’s protest, ‘and so you’re bound to be viewing it through rose-tinted glasses. The reality of trying to set up home won’t be anything like that.’
‘I’m not twelve,’ Kate said, failing to keep the note of irritation from her voice. ‘I know the reality won’t be like that. I know it will be tough. . . The thing that’s bothering me most is not going there and starting anew, it’s leaving things here. . .’ She glanced at Lily, who was staring into space. Her gaze turned back to Anna, who gave a slight nod. It would be difficult for any of them to leave the other two in normal circumstances – they had
become so close in the years their mother had been living in Scotland, had come to rely on each other – and now that Lily’s need was greater than ever, it would be even more difficult to contemplate leaving. But didn’t Kate deserve some happiness too? Was she being selfish to ask for it?
There was silence for a moment, punctuated only by the sound of muffled footsteps on the floor above as Joel moved around.
‘If it makes you happy, you should go,’ Lily suddenly said into the void. It was her first input into the debate since Anna had arrived.
‘I’m not saying she shouldn’t, but only after a decent period of careful consideration,’ Anna said.
‘If she’s free and eager, she should just go. What’s the point in waiting around?’
‘Because that would be the sensible thing to do.’
‘What’s the point in sensible? Tomorrow everything could be shit – best to grab some happiness while you can.’
‘You’re supposed to back me up!’ Anna squeaked.
‘I changed my mind. I think Kate should go if she wants to.’
Kate looked from one to the other. So, despite Lily’s problems, they had discussed this at some point. And though Anna had thought she had Lily’s backing, it seemed Lily had now decided to voice a conflicting opinion. It was rare – often Anna had the final word with both of them – but she was particularly influential where Lily was concerned. Lily had always looked up to her, admired her, wanted to be just like their eldest sister in a way that Kate hadn’t done quite so much. She had often wondered whether that was a lot to do with the influence Matt had exerted over her formative years, whereas Lily hadn’t had her first proper boyfriend until she was seventeen and had spent a lot more time with Anna as a result.
‘If you’ve decided to go then go,’ Anna said, turning to Kate. ‘But it won’t be with my blessing.’
‘What does that mean? You won’t give your blessing? Don’t you want me to be happy?’
‘I can’t, Kate. How can I give my blessing to something that I think is crazy and will end in disaster? If I did I’d be lying and doing you a disservice. I’d be failing you as a sister and a friend. Surely you can understand what I’m saying? Would you give it if things were the other way around; if it was me going off half-cocked?’
Rome is Where the Heart is: An uplifting romantic read, perfect to escape with (From Italy with Love Book 1) Page 25