by Eden Bradley
She tried not to cry as the cab rolled over the LA streets, but the tears came anyway, the city going by in a watery blur at the periphery of her vision. Her pain was the only thing she could focus on. Her life, and how it felt, once again, as if it were over.
At least, she and Cole were over. Had to be. She couldn’t risk her heart again on the hope that he could resist temptation. And his success in the music world would only mean more parties like this one, more opportunities for people like Ken to ruin everything. What had she been thinking? He may have six years of sobriety under his belt, but she heard stories every day about people who went back to drinking and using. Especially musicians.
People like Sonny.
It was too much. Too damn scary. Rich…Sonny…Cole could be next. Who would hold her while she watched his coffin being lowered into the ground? How would she survive it? It made her ill even to think about it.
By the time she’d paid the taxi and run up the stairs, she was crying so hard she could barely see to get her key in the door. Finally she was in her apartment. Alone. Sobbing. In pain.
Cole.
She would not lose him to addiction again. She couldn’t do it. It was too awful. Better to nip it in the bud before… Fuck. It was too damn late. Too late to go back. Too late not to fall in love with him all over again.
She was an idiot.
She had led herself down this path. She and Cole loved each other, but they were destined to end in tragedy one way or another. She wasn’t going to wait around for those lonely, sleepless nights while he stayed out getting high with his fucking manager.
Cole.
Her heart cried out for him. And she simply cried. Cried while her cell phone went off, over and over again. While he pounded on her front door, calling her name until she had to retreat to her bedroom and pull a pillow over her head so she couldn’t hear the pain and confusion in his voice. She cried until, finally, sometime after dawn, she fell asleep and dreamed of an empty bed, and her empty, aching arms.
Chapter Eight
The morning light woke him. Cole rolled over and sat up, stiff from having fallen asleep on the sofa, his mug of tea cold and untouched on the floor. He must have made it around four o’clock, when his misery had reached its peak and he hadn’t known what the hell else to do. He couldn’t drink, couldn’t use, and he was too distraught to retreat to his studio.
Distraught? That was too fucking lame a word to even begin to describe what he was feeling. But he didn’t have the words this morning. All he knew was that Janie was gone and he didn’t know why.
He glanced at his cell phone next to him on the leather sofa. It was only eight thirty, but he was going to call his brother, anyway.
Chase picked up after six rings. “Cole? What the…? It’s still practically the middle of the night,” he said groggily. “We had a party last night. Or don’t you remember?”
“I remember that I couldn’t find you when I needed you.”
“I left with…a date. What’s going on?”
“Did you see Janie last night?” Cole demanded.
“Yeah. She was looking for you.”
“What the fuck did you say to her?”
“What? What do you mean? We talked about the album. I don’t know. The usual stuff.”
“Did you say anything to her that would have made her leave?”
“Of course not. No. I don’t think so, man. Remind me here—did you actually tell me what the fuck is going on to make you call me at the crack of dawn to interrogate me?”
“Janie’s gone. And I mean gone. Left the party. Pretty damn sure she’s left me. I went to her place last night. She wouldn’t answer the door. Won’t pick up when I call.”
“Jesus. When I saw her she was on cloud fucking nine. What did you do to mess it up?”
“Thanks for the support, bro.”
“Sorry. Fuck. I’m sorry, Cole. I’m not awake.”
“No kidding.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, if you hear anything, will you let me know?”
“Yeah, of course. Let me make a few calls. I’ll talk to the guys, see what I can find out.”
“Thanks.”
He was glad Chase would make the calls. It fucking hurt too much to say it out loud. He wasn’t sure he could do it again.
Janie is gone.
The past was coming back to him in one big rush that raked at his flesh, at his heart, as if the memories were studded with nails.
Why? It had to have been the party. She’d never liked them. All the groupies and the drinking. But that was when he was indulging. Things were different now. He was different now.
Maybe she doesn’t think so.
Whatever happened, she was gone. Again. And that could mean only one thing—despite all the strides they seemed to have made, she still didn’t trust him. If she did, nothing could have driven her off like this. She loved him. He knew she did.
Fucking goddammit.
He wanted to kick himself for ever having used, for having created this whole situation to begin with, but he’d come too far for that shit. It wouldn’t do any good. He’d put it behind him. He’d forgiven himself for everything…everything but losing her. And now it felt exactly like it had before, except this time there was nothing to numb the pain. He’d better find a fucking meeting today. Maybe two. AA, NA, didn’t matter. He knew when he was on shaky ground, and there was nothing shakier for him than Janie walking away from him.
He buried his face in his hands, tried not to see Janie’s face behind his closed eyes. Tried not to hear her telling him she loved him. But her voice, her scent, her presence, was in his head, etched there forever.
He stood and strode to the window, bracing a hand against the glass. Below him Hollywood was waking up, coming alive. But he had never felt more dead inside. Without Janie, he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel alive again.
She’d woken at noon with a pounding headache and a raw wound in her chest. When she made her way blearily to the living room, her cell phone was flashing. She didn’t want to look, didn’t want to see how many messages Cole had left. But apparently that had stopped and the calls she’d missed were from Celine.
She didn’t want to have to tell her what had happened. But she needed her friend. She listened to the first message.
“Janie, hon, it’s me. What happened last night? I looked up and you were gone. And now I feel awful not saying goodbye. Call me, babe.”
She erased it and went on to the next message.
“Janie, me again. Honey, call me, will you? I heard what happened. Well, sort of. And I have some stuff to tell you. Call me. Please.”
Once more she pressed the number seven on her keypad to erase the message. What could Celine possibly know? Who had she talked to? Would Cole have tried to contact her?
There was another message.
“It’s Celine. It’s almost eleven and I’ve been trying to call you all day. I’m worried, hon. And I really need to talk to you. I have some information, and I don’t mean to be a tease but I can’t explain it all to your voicemail. Please just call me back.”
With a sigh she hung up the phone, tossed it down on the couch and pressed her hands into her eyes.
There was a knock at the door.
No. She would not talk to him.
But it was Celine’s voice. “Janie, open up or I’m coming in.”
She sighed, leaning against the door. “I could really use a hug right now, Celine, but not some lecture.”
“Babe, I’m not here to lecture you. But I need to tell you something. Something about Cole.”
“Oh, I am definitely not letting you in.”
She turned and was moving back toward her bedroom when the door swung open behind her.
“What the—?”
Celine had the grace to look sheepish.
“Spare key.”
Janie waved a hand. “All right, fine, come in.”
“Jesus, hon, you look awful.”
“Thanks for not sparing the compliments.”
Celine’s dark brows wrinkled. “Oh, honey. Come here.”
She opened her arms, and all the stupid stubbornness drained away as Janie fell into them. She stayed there and cried for what seemed like an eternity.
“Celine…it’s so awful,” she moaned, the ache in her chest cutting her like a knife.
“I know. I know it is. Come on. Let’s sit down.” Celine took her to the couch and sat with her, holding her hand. “Sweetie, Jaden and I have been talking all morning, and he’s told me a few things I think you should hear.”
She sniffed. “What would Jaden know?”
“A lot, apparently. He is one of Cole’s closest friends. He’s been through it all with him. And this morning someone told him about your run-in with that guy Ken—and, honey, before you say anything, I understand completely how you must have felt seeing drugs at the party.”
“Do you, Celine? Because I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t been there could possibly know how I feel. How lonely it was being left by myself all those nights, knowing he was out there doing stupid things—dangerous things. I never knew from one night to the next if I’d get some call telling me he was dead. Do you have any idea what that’s like?” she demanded, the tears pouring unheeded down her cheeks.
Celine nodded slowly. “Yes, I do.” She paused, took in a breath. “Do you remember what I told you about my accident when I was twelve?”
Janie nodded warily.
“Well, I left out a few details. But the one you need to know is that by the time I was thirteen years old I was addicted to painkillers.”
“Jesus, Celine.”
“I know. I’m sorry I kept it from you, but given what you’d gone through with Cole, I wasn’t sure that…forgive me, honey, but I wasn’t sure you wouldn’t judge me.”
She shook her head. “No. Maybe I would have. It’s…a sore spot for me.”
“I understand. I do. But I’m telling you now because I’ve been clean since I was sixteen—for seventeen years—and you need to know that it’s possible. Especially when you have something to live for. For me, it was my mom getting sick. She needed me.”
“Cole won’t stay clean because I need him to. He didn’t before. And, Celine…always in the back of my mind is the fact that…” she had to stop, a sob escaping her tight throat, nearly choking her “…he didn’t keep Sonny clean. He didn’t keep him from dying. If he’d only tried…”
“But he did. Jaden told me everything Cole is too damn proud to tell you. He did try, over and over again. He took Sonny to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. He stripped his apartment of drugs, threatened to kick him out of the band.”
She wiped her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Which he eventually did, and maybe that was what put Sonny over the edge. I can’t help but think about that.”
“Janie, you know that’s not fair,” Celine said quietly. “We addicts only put ourselves over the edge. Did Cole ever tell you he paid to get Sonny into rehab three times? The best facilities in the country—here, Colorado, Arizona. It simply didn’t stick, and only Sonny will ever really know why.”
The information was filtering through her sleep-deprived and grieving brain a little at a time. “Why did Cole never tell me any of this? He knew how torn up I was.”
“Because he didn’t want to blow his own horn. He’s a proud man. Well, he’s a man. And that’s my sexist remark for the day.”
There were new tears, but Janie could almost smile through them. “I’ve been such an idiot. And not in the way I thought I’d been, if that even makes sense.”
“As long as it makes sense to you.”
It did. Suddenly, it all did. It hadn’t been her fault when Cole didn’t stop drinking and using. It wasn’t Cole’s fault that Sonny wasn’t willing to save himself. Cole had. He’d been so strong. He’d learned from his mistakes, changed his life, lived for six years with the challenges of the music industry…and she still hadn’t trusted him. She’d been so busy waiting for the other shoe to drop that she hadn’t waited for the facts before finding him guilty.
The man she loved deserved better, and so did she.
“I need to see him.” She stood up. “I need to see him and find out if he’ll even forgive me.”
“I was hoping you’d say that. But first, you need a long shower and a little makeup. If you’re going to apologize to the man whose heart you’ve broken twice, sweetie, you’d better look damn hot doing it.”
Cole laid his head down on the piano keys with a discordant clang. He’d been trying to write this damn song all afternoon, but he was too fuzzy-headed from too little sleep and too much emotion to manage anything more than some scattered lyrics. When he heard the door open he looked up and was shocked to find Janie standing there. Naked.
“What the…?”
“Cole, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say except that.” She paused, bit her lip. “Actually, I have a lot to say, but you know I get confused when I’m overwhelmed and I babble and I…I’m pretty overwhelmed right now.”
Grief and anger flooded his body, making him feel weak all over. He didn’t like it. Not one bit.
“You left,” he said woodenly.
“I know.” Her brow creased and he saw tears sheen her eyes. “I know I did and it was wrong of me. I should have talked to you. I should have trusted you. That’s what it all comes down to. I should have trusted you.” She took one step forward, then stopped, seeming to think better of it. “I should have trusted us. I thought I did, but when it came down to it I got scared. At the first sign of trouble I ran. And I’m sorry, Cole. I really am.”
“I was outside calling my sponsor when you left. Because these parties can be hard for me sometimes. Not that I was in a bad place at that moment, but it’s something I do regularly, that my sponsor and I have agreed on. I’m still healing in places. I feel strong, but it’s a process. I check in with him at every party, at every show. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to worry that the party was a trigger for me. But… Fuck, Janie.”
“I know! I was wrong. I should have talked to you instead of allowing my old fears to take over.”
He swallowed hard, fighting the desire to reach for her. To fight with her. Look at her and be reminded of how perfect everything had been until the party. Instead he said, “I fired Ken.”
“That… That’s good. I mean it’s… God, I didn’t know how to handle that your manager was doing drugs, and thinking how easy it would have been for you to get back into that whole scene. He’s your manager. You see him all the time.”
“Fuck,” he said again, because he didn’t know what else to say. “I didn’t know about him, Janie. But you should have known me. Known me now, who I am today. I’ve come a long way since I fucked things up with you. I thought you could see it…”
“I know. I do. I don’t blame you for being mad. For feeling betrayed. I did it—I betrayed you, Cole, and, God…” A tear slipped down her cheek, and every cell in his being wanted to reach out and comfort her. But she shook her head and went on. “Celine told me. Well, Jaden told her and then she told me. About everything you did for Sonny. And maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I was holding onto that…the idea that you hadn’t done enough for him. Maybe because there was always a part of me that was afraid I hadn’t done enough for you. That what happened to him…that it could have happened…”
“Janie…” He ran a hand over his head, scratching his scalp. This was a lot to take in. “You’re right. That shouldn’t have factored in. But I understand why it did. After what I did to you—”
“But don’t you see? The past is the past. We talked about that, and I hadn’t let it go. I was h
olding back, afraid to trust that we could be together. But I have to now. Really have to, or it won’t work. I have to let the past go, finally, or we can’t have a future. And, Cole, please, please tell me I’m not too late, that I’m not so stupid that I screwed this up. Tell me we can still be together.”
His mind, his gut, were churning with emotion. She was saying everything he’d needed to hear since he’d seen her again. Everything he’d imagined—dreamed of—in those dark moments in the middle of too many long nights—for years. But there was one issue they’d been ignoring since she came through the door. “Janie? You know you’re naked?”
A small smile broke across her lovely face. “Yes. I was hoping you’d notice.”
“Do you think you can seduce me into accepting your apology?” He knew she could.
“I think I’m proving a point.” She stepped forward, held out her hands. Lying across them was one of her long scarves, this one a light cotton, white with om symbols all over it in dark blue.
His heart hammered. He knew what she was offering—the bondage they’d both loved all those years ago, and which she’d denied him since they’d been back together because the trust hadn’t built yet—not enough for her to give up that much control. She wasn’t offering him her scarf or even her body—not in essence. She was offering so much more. She was offering him everything.
“Janie…?”
She moved closer, laid the scarf in his hands. “It doesn’t need to happen now, unless you want it to. I just needed you to know. To understand you have my trust. My heart and soul. Completely.”
He nodded, too touched to speak for a moment. Instead he pulled her into his lap and kissed her hard.
Her hands went to his face, and his cock went hard—he couldn’t help it. The woman he loved was naked in his lap.
He broke away, pulled back to look into her gorgeous green eyes.
“Tell me,” he demanded.
Her eyes went glossy with new tears. “I love you, Cole. So much. And I trust you. I had a good, hard lesson in how awful leaving you was and I never want to do it again. If it means taking a chance on a sure bet, then that’s what I’m willing to do. Want to do. I want to be with you. I want to be yours. Please tell me I am.”