by Hooper, Sara
She waited a few more minutes to see if anything else was going to come up and then slowly stood. She paused for a moment, closing her eyes as she leaned against the sink. Once she was relatively certain that she wasn't going to get dizzy, she reached for her toothbrush. Only after the foul taste was gone from her mouth did she head back into her room to get her phone.
Rebecca answered on the second ring. “Good morning, Oracle.”
“Hey, Rebecca,” Faith winced at the croak in her voice as she headed for the kitchen. “It's Faith.”
“Oh, hi, Faith. You don't sound good.”
Leave it to the bubbly former Miss Chattanooga to state the obvious. While some former beauty queens – Madison, for example – were highly intelligent, there were always the ones who made it painfully apparent why the stereotype had been created. Rebecca Wonder was one of those. She was good with people, which was a positive trait to have in a receptionist, but everyone knew that her only qualification for the job had been that the owner of the magazine was her uncle. At least she was nice.
“I don't feel too well either,” Faith retrieved a package of crackers from the cabinet and walked into the living room. She settled on the couch before continuing. “I think I have that stomach bug that's been going around.”
“Oh, that sucks,” Rebecca sounded sympathetic. “I got that last week. I was in the bathroom every hour all day. Couldn't hold anything down.”
Faith hurried to interrupt, not wanting to hear the details of the receptionist's intestinal issues. “Great, then you know what I mean. I'm not going to be in today. I should be okay by tomorrow.”
“Yeah, you should. It was a twenty-four hour thing with me,” Rebecca apparently hadn't been phased by Faith's interruption. Not that this was a surprise to Faith. Rebecca was one of those scary-happy people who was all rainbows and puppies all the time. She was the type of person who would've been on the Titanic talking about how she was looking forward to meeting new people when the lifeboats came back.
“If you could just pass it along to Jake that I'll be out today, I'd appreciate it,” Faith stopped Rebecca before the gruesome details could start again. “Thanks, Rebecca. I'll see you tomorrow.” She was pressing the “end” button while Rebecca was saying good-bye.
She curled up on the couch and nibbled at the crackers she'd found, letting them soothe her rolling stomach. Her stomach began to settle and she found herself drifting off to sleep. For her, the best way to get over something was to sleep it off, so she let the darkness take her.
It was close to noon when she woke. She sat up, disoriented at first. As she sloughed off the fogginess of slumber, she took a moment to go through a physical inventory. She had a low throbbing in her head that she recognized as being from changing her sleeping pattern. It would dissipate shortly. Her mouth was dry and she took a swing from the glass of water she'd brought from the kitchen. It was tepid, but wet, and she swallowed it gratefully. She waited as the liquid settled in her stomach, but there was no protest. In fact, her stomach growled, as if demanding more than the crackers she'd originally given it. She still wasn't entirely sure that she trusted it, but it seemed safe enough for her to shower.
She was still debating between a shower and a bath when she opened her linen closet. She picked up a fluffy yellow washcloth and was reaching for a matching towel when she saw it and froze.
Quickly, she ran the numbers in her head. “Shit,” she whispered as she reached for the small blue box. She counted again, unable to take her eyes off of the box of tampons.
She was three days late.
It was impossible, but there it was, staring her in the face. She'd always been as regular as clockwork, even before her doctor had put her on birth control for severe cramps. She hadn't even missed when she'd switched pill brands last year.
Faith shook her head, all thoughts of a soothing shower gone. She had to be miscalculating. She needed to check her pills. Leaving the towel and washcloth in the closet, she headed for the bathroom. Her hands were shaking as she opened the medicine cabinet and took down the small, round compact. She took a deep breath and opened it, sure that she would be able to find her math error.
She sank down on the toilet lid, the compact gripped in numb fingers. There was no math error, no miscalculation. She was late. And she been nauseated for the past two days, but it had never lasted more than a couple of hours.
How could this be? The success rate of birth control pills had always been one of the reasons she'd stayed with them when her gynecologist had suggested other options.
She needed to know. She needed the reassurance that it was stress or illness that had caused her to be late, not anything else. Faith grabbed a jacket, threw it on over her pajamas and yanked on her boots. Thankfully, there was a small drugstore down the street from her building. It was virtually deserted at eleven on a Wednesday morning, but Faith still felt the eyes of every stranger watching her as she headed to the unfamiliar territory of pregnancy tests.
She'd been with a friend in high school when she'd gone to get one, but had never bought one for herself. In the eight years she'd been sexually active, she'd never had a pregnancy scare until now. After making her purchase, she hurried home, anxious to take the test. It would, she was positive, prove that her suspicions were wrong. She'd never wanted to be proven wrong so badly before.
A quarter of an hour later, Faith sat on the edge of the tub, staring at the little blue lines.
Impossible. She needed a second opinion.
She was shocked at how even her voice remained as she made a call. The receptionist at the doctor's office wasted no time juggling things around and told Faith to come in immediately. At first, Faith thought the concern in the woman's voice was sympathy, but the moment she entered the doctor's office and Dr. Barrister called her back, she knew this was not the case.
“You're still on Dyenzelpha?” The edge to the doctor's voice threw up a red flag.
“Yes,” Faith spoke slowly, her stomach twisting itself into new knots. “Why?”
“You were on our callback list. We received a letter two days ago, but I hadn't had an opportunity to read it until this morning,” Dr. Barrister frowned. “To give you the short version, apparently the company that manufactures Dyenzelpha has been shut down by the FDA for cutting corners.”
“What does that mean?” The blood drained from Faith's face and a wave of light-headedness washed over her. Surely he wasn't implying what she thought he was implying.
“They're recalling the drug and advising women to check with their doctors about getting on a new prescription right away and testing for any unexpected pregnancies,” Dr. Barrister regarded her seriously over the top of his glasses. “And I feel safe assuming that you're here for a test.”
Faith nodded mutely. She didn't trust herself to speak, not with so much emotion churning inside her. Part of her was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she'd cry.
“Did you already take a home one?” The doctor's voice softened.
She nodded again.
“All right,” Dr. Barrister turned towards the counter behind him and picked up a small plastic container. “Are you going to need something to drink before you can fill this?”
Faith took a shuddering breath. “No, I'm good.” Her voice wavered but she was too upset to be embarrassed. She was just thankful she was a nervous drinker rather than eater. She'd downed two bottles of water while waiting for the home test to finish. If she'd had to wait through drinking enough to take the test, she would've broken down in the office.
“There'll be a nurse waiting to take it when you're done,” Dr. Barrister handed over the container. “It won't take long.”
***
Faith wasn't entirely sure how she'd gotten home. She knew she'd driven, but she didn't remember any of it. She didn't remember walking up to her apartment, putting the key into the lock. In fact, everything was a blank from the time the doctor had given her the news until now. She glanced at the
clock and saw that it was almost three. She needed to call her mother soon or she'd start to worry.
How could she call Mama, knowing what she knew? Could she hide something so big until she herself could process it? And if she couldn't, what then? How could she tell her mother that she was pregnant? She could picture the disappointment on Mama's face. Disappointment that she hadn't been careful enough. That Faith was going to have to put her own dreams on hold to take care of a baby.
Then there was that. Her job at The Oracle paid well enough for a single woman, but adding another human being into the mix changed things. She could take on other photography jobs as side-work. It was October so most senior pictures were already done and she'd missed the glut of spring and early summer weddings, but she could probably pick up a few things before her pregnancy advanced enough for her to need to take a break. Christmas pictures would be coming up soon. She wasn't due until June, so even Easter wouldn't be out of the question.
She choked back a sob as she thought about having to give up the time she now spent taking and developing artistic photos, ones that she wanted to hang in a gallery, to do traditional photography. She had no problem with people who wanted to do that, but that had never been her dream. She still remembered when she'd told Matthew about wanting to have her photographs hanging in galleries all over the world.
Matthew.
Faith buried her face in her hands and let the tears fall. How was she going to tell Matthew that she was pregnant? He'd asked her about protection that first time and she'd told him the truth. He hadn't asked since and she hadn't thought anything of it. Flings she'd always made wear a condom, but the two previous serious relationships she'd had, the pill had been enough. She'd had no reason to think that it wouldn't be this time. Would he believe her or would he think that she'd lied and hoped to get pregnant? ADAs didn't make the big money that was in the private sector, but it was more than she made. Would he think she was trying to get something from him?
And what about his ambitions? All of his plans? How would a child fit into those? They hadn't discussed kids, hadn't discussed anything relatively serious since they first exchanged the “L” word, but Faith had been fine with that. They'd exchanged keys, but it had been more of a practical thing than anything else. They were progressing and she figured that they had time before needing to discuss any of the next big steps – moving in together, marriage, children. None of that had seemed very important over the last few months and now Faith found herself facing the very real possibility of losing the man she loved.
She knew that a lot of women in her situation would have just terminated the pregnancy, possibly without even telling the father. It would be easy to do, she knew. Matthew was scheduled to go to Nashville the following week to help a new ADA get caught up on a case he'd prosecuted. She would have the time to do it without him being any the wiser.
Her hand went to her belly, still flat, without a sign of the life that was growing inside her. She couldn't do it. She'd always said that if she got pregnant unexpectedly she wouldn't be able to terminate the pregnancy, but she'd had friends tell her that there was no way she could know until it happened to her. Now that it had, she found her convictions the same. As hard as it would be, she would have this baby, no matter the cost to her.
Faith pulled her legs up onto the couch and covered herself with an afghan. She was cold and it had nothing to do with the mid-October chill. She'd always considered herself to be a strong person, but now, she knew that she'd never truly been scared as an adult. The idea of being responsible for a living, breathing human being terrified her. What if she screwed up? She knew all too well how childhood could affect adulthood. If it hadn't been for her mother, she never would have turned out so well.
“Mama,” Faith couldn't hold back the half-sob. It didn't matter what her mother said. Even a scolding would be better than going through this alone. She picked up her phone from the coffee table and laid back down. As she dialed, she reached for a tissue from the box next to the couch. She didn't remember putting them there, but was thankful that she had. This was not going to be an easy phone call.
“Baby Girl, are you all right?” The concern in Ester's voice overrode any of the usual banter.
“Mama,” Faith's voice trembled.
“Faith?”
She had no other way to say it. “I'm pregnant.”
“Oh, Baby Girl.”
There was no trace of disappointment in her mother's voice and Faith closed her eyes in relief. Hot tears slipped down her cheeks as Ester continued.
“Are you okay?”
“I don't know,” Faith answered honestly. “I just know that I can't have an abortion, but I don't know how to do this.”
“Have you told Matthew?” Ester's question was cautious.
“No,” Faith sniffled. “I just found out myself.” She quickly explained what the doctor had said about the company that made her birth control pills. “I tried being careful, Mama, I really did.”
“I know that,” Ester replied. “This is just one of those things that no one can control.”
“You're not,” Faith forced herself to ask the question. “You're not mad at me?”
“Baby Girl, why would I be mad at you?” Ester gently chided.
“When Marcy got pregnant, you were furious. I remember.”
“Faith,” Ester's voice took on a firm, almost exasperated, tone. “Your cousin was a fifteen year-old sophomore who threw away her birth control and told her nineteen year-old boyfriend that he didn't need to wear a condom. She wanted to get pregnant and didn't care about dropping out of school. She thought that her boyfriend would marry her and they would play house together somewhere.”
“Oh,” Faith hadn't thought about that. She and Marcy had never been close even though they were only a few months apart in age. The last Faith had heard, Marcy had moved to Georgia with her newest boyfriend and her three children after being denied an extension of her state assistance by Tennessee.
“Faith Joy Williams, you are not your cousin,” Ester's voice was sharp. “This was not intentional, and even if it was, you are an adult. You have not only a high school diploma, but a college degree. You have a good job and your boyfriend is a lawyer, not a drop-out drug dealer with six other baby mamas.”
“But what if Matthew doesn't want a baby?” Now that she knew her mother wasn't angry with her, she allowed herself to give voice to the other fear gripping her heart.
“Then he will have no idea what he'll be missing,” Ester sounded so confident that Faith found her own fear ebbing. “But I think you need to give that man the benefit of the doubt, Baby Girl. I think he may surprise you.”
A knock at the door made Faith jump.
“Faith, babe, I heard you were sick,” Matthew's voice came through the door even as she heard him putting his key in the lock.
“Matthew's here,” Faith couldn't speak above a whisper. Her stomach plummeted as her heart began to race. She wasn't ready to tell him, but she couldn't lie. Not to his face. Not about this.
“You call me if you need me.”
Ester hung up before Faith could protest, before she could beg her mama not to make her do this alone. It was silly, she knew. She was an adult, not a child, and she needed to face this like one. The thought did little to comfort her as Matthew entered the apartment.
Faith sat up and drew the afghan around her shoulders in an almost protective gesture. The concern on Matthew's face deepened as he took in her haggard appearance, her ashen skin and what she was sure was an absolutely horrified expression in her eyes.
“Faith, are you okay?” Matthew immediately set down the bag he was carrying and hurried to her side. He sat on the edge of the coffee table facing her. “I stopped by your office to see if you wanted to go to a late lunch, but they said you'd called in sick, that you had the stomach flu.” He gestured to the bag behind him. “I brought you chicken soup.”
The kindness of the gesture and the sinceri
ty in his voice was her undoing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she found herself powerless to stop them.
“Faith, sweetie,” Matthew wrapped his arms around her as he moved to the couch.
He pulled her close and she buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent of his spicy body wash and the smell that was uniquely his, that scent that she would recognize anywhere. She clung to him, letting all of the tears of fear and frustration soak into his suit jacket. He slid a hand under her knees and pulled her onto his lap and held her as she cried, murmuring her name against her forehead.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed from when he'd arrived to the time she stopped crying, but when she looked up at Matthew, the look in his eyes spoke volumes. He pressed his lips against her forehead and then gently transferred her back to the couch. His expression was serious.
“This doesn't look like the stomach flu to me.”
Faith shook her head. A strange calmness had come over her and she felt her strength return, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. She could do this. “There's something we need to talk about, something important.”
“Just tell me,” Matthew's skin had paled beneath his fading summer tan. “Faith, what's wrong?”
“I'm pregnant.”
Silence. Matthew stared, mouth slightly open, eyes wide and filled with shock.
Faith continued, taking advantage of the silence to tell him her side of the story. “About a year ago, I changed brands of birth control. It was cheaper and supposed to be even safer. I was nauseous yesterday morning and throwing up this morning so I called off work thinking that I had the stomach bug that was going around. A couple hours later, I was feeling better enough to take a shower. That's when I saw a box of... well, let's just say I realized that I was three days late. I ran to the store and bought a pregnancy test. When it came back positive, I called my doctor and got an immediate appointment. Dr. Barrister told me that he'd just gotten a recall letter regarding the birth control medicine I was on. The FDA shut the company down because of lax standards. They were recommending that doctors contact their patients to change prescriptions and test for pregnancy because there was a possibility that the pills hadn't worked. Dr. Barrister did a test and it came back positive too.” The words came out in a rush.