I keep walking toward the restroom before I pause to look around. I realize we are alone and take a deep breath. Turning to face him, I smile sweetly, “Well, Mr. Hamilton, I’m just fine but it would have been nice if you had shown some concern toward my mother seventeen years ago.”
I turn my back to him before I can see the damage of my words in his expression. I hurry into the bathroom and lock the door. Leaning against it, I try to regain my breath and calm my nerves. I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I just met my father.
Oh.My.God.
To top it off I can’t believe that’s what I said to him. I don’t know where it came from, but it was literally the first thing that came to my mind and it was out of my mouth before I could stop. I try to compose myself before going back outside to Connor, Ethan and Emma.
Before I make it our table, Connor greets me on the large patio.
“Hey, I was just getting ready to come check on you,” he says.
“Oh, sorry, I’m here now,” I reply.
“Are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he asks concerned. I hate that I can’t hide anything from him. Before I can answer him, he grabs my hand.
“Why are you shaking?”
“Oh, must be the champagne.” I say wearily. I’m not a good liar and Connor can call me out better than anybody, so I’m hoping he buys the champagne excuse because I’m really not up for explaining any of this to him—not now.
“Well, how about you slow down there then tiger?” he says chuckling. I exhale thankful he didn’t press me any further.
When we rejoin Emma and Ethan at our table they are laughing, “What’s so funny?”
“Oh, Harp, you totally missed it,” Emma spits out between laughs. “See that guy over there with the beard and the huge gut?”
I turn in the direction she’s nodding in and see that the man she’s referring to is talking to Alex Hamilton. I try to look away quickly, but he catches me and we hold our gaze before Emma’s contagious laughter brings my attention back to her.
“Yeah, I see him,” I say.
“Well, my mom brought him over here to introduce us to him. I guess he’s someone important, I don’t really know. The whole time he was here he was eating shrimp. He kept getting cocktail sauce in his beard and then he dripped it down his shirt and instead of using a napkin, he wiped it up with his finger and then ate it! It was so disgusting. On top of all that he kept talking with his mouth open and I swear that Ethan got sprayed with shrimp.” Emma starts laughing harder now.
I smile and look at the three of them all red faced and laughing.
“Oh, yeah, hold still Ethan, I think I see a piece in your hair.” I say.
“Stop it. I do not have shrimp on me,” Ethan says and we all try to rein in our laughter. “Do I?” he asks skeptically and that’s our undoing. We all bend over the table laughing until we hear someone tapping into the microphone and turn to see Ethan’s dad on the top step of the patio.
“Come on Emma, we have to go,” Ethan says taking Emma by the hand and walking over to stand next to their mom who is behind and to the right of their dad. I follow them with my eyes until my view is interrupted and when I refocus my gaze, I see Alex staring right at me.
I give him my best glare, before Connor’s hand on the small of my back has me paying attention to the tingles running through my body. Turning to look at him, I smile and lean up to give him a kiss. When I pull away he smiles softly at me, and pulls me into his side resting his hand on my hip while we listen to Mr. Sommers welcome everyone. When Mr. Sommers is done, Ethan and Emma are bombarded with people rushing over to talk to them and their parents.
“I have to use the restroom,” Connor says, “Will you be ok if I leave you here for a few minutes?”
“Sure, I’ll wait here for you,” I tell him before he leans down and kisses the top of my head. I smile at his sweet gesture and watch him walk toward the house.
I pull my phone out to pass the time when I hear his voice. I close my eyes and when I open them, Alex Hamilton is standing in front of me with pure disbelief in his eyes.
“What are you doing?” I ask, my words dripping with poison.
“So, you’re friends with Ethan and Emma Sommers?” he asks me while his eyes roam my face. I stare at him refusing to answer. “And, your name is Harp?”
All I see is disgust for the man standing in front of me.
“Yes, asshat, my name is Harp and just in case you don’t remember, my mom’s name is Anne. Anne Evans. Ring a bell?”
The look on his face is priceless. He looks like he’s seen a ghost and is going to faint. I see the emotion in his eyes change, from disbelief to fear as he steps closer assessing my face.
Fear is an interesting motivator for people. Sometimes, they use it to rise above and conquer it, but other times, people let it win and it consumes them … makes them desperate. I feel desperation rolling off Alex.
“Hey Harp, where’s Connor?” Ethan asks approaching me.
“You listen here, whatever Anne has told you is a lie. She was a messed up kid and no doubt still messed up now. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about—and you, you are nothing and mean nothing.”
“Listen man, I don’t know who the hell you are or why you know Harp and her mom, but you’d better back off.” Ethan says stepping in between Alex and me. Even though Alex is at least six feet tall, Ethan stands his ground and is nose-to-nose with him.
When Alex doesn’t walk away, Ethan takes my hand, “Come on Harp.”
As we walk past Alex, he reaches for my arm effectively stopping me, forcing me to look at him.
“I mean it. Anne is a whore and if you are her daughter, you must be a whore too.”
I open my mouth in shock and am ready to tell him off, but Ethan beats me to the punch. Literally. He punches Alex in the face so hard, that he stumbles back into the table behind him. I look between the two of them, and when I pick my mouth off the floor I step toward Alex faintly aware that Connor will back soon.
“You are a pathetic excuse for a man. A real man does not rape his soon-to-be seventeen year old sister-in-law and does not call his daughter a whore!” I say, spitting at him.
I.Hate.Him.
And then I smack him across the face not even caring that my right hand is on fire, stinging. A set of familiar, strong arms grab me and pull me toward the house. We’ve definitely attracted an audience and so instead of saying goodbye to anyone, we go straight to Connor’s truck. I feel terrible about doing that at The Sommers party. Guilt settles in and I hope Ethan and Emma won’t be mad at me.
The adrenaline running through me is starting to fade as I realize what just happened. Suddenly Connor pulls over onto the shoulder of the road and barely comes to a stop, before he throws the truck into park.
“What happened back there?”
“Nothing.”
“Harp, that wasn’t ‘nothing’. I saw Ethan’s hand and know he punched that guy, but I need to know why. What did he say to you?”
I turn my head toward the passenger window and focus on the green landscape in front of me, because I’m just not ready to tell Connor everything.
“Does this have anything to do with what happened with you and your mom? You’ve been distant, and after what happened tonight, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
“This has nothing to do with you Connor. Just take me home.”
He sighs, “Seriously, it’s ok. We can get through this together. I promise it won’t change anything between us. Just talk to me.”
“No. Take. Me. Home.”
He punches the steering wheel and pulls back onto the road. The rest of the drive home my mind swirls with thoughts and words. I hear my mom tell me over and over again how I ruined her life. I hear Alex call me a whore. I remember how unwanted I’ve felt for so long. I look at Connor and realize that I don’t deserve him. He’s too good for me and should be with someone better … someone who can m
ake him happy and who doesn’t need to be saved all the time because she’s strong enough to save herself. That girl isn’t me.
The tension between us is suffocating and as soon as we get to his house, I jump out and run to my room. I start packing, stuffing clothes into my bags as quickly as I can. As soon as I’m done, I call my mom and tell her I’m ready to come home. She gladly agrees to pick me up and within minutes, I am quietly tip toeing down the hall into the front sitting room, to meet her outside.
“What are you doing?”
Connor’s voice from behind me makes me jump. Crap. His door was shut when I went by so I thought for sure he was in his room. He must have been in the kitchen or living room because he’s still dressed in his suit, and is holding his jacket over his arm. I’m not going to be able to avoid him.
“I’m going home. My mom’s picking me up any minute,” I tell him.
“Why?”
“Because I need to go. I can’t stay here forever and after what happened tonight, I just want to be at home.”
“Why does it look like you are trying to sneak out of here?”
I shift uncomfortably and look down at my feet, “I … um, I just didn’t want to wake anyone up.”
“So, you were going to sneak out of here at eleven o’clock at night because you didn’t want to wake anyone up? I guess you weren’t going to say goodbye to me?” he says forcefully.
“Like I said, I didn’t want to wake you up … I thought you were in your room already asleep. I would have called you tomorrow.”
He scoffs at me, “Yeah, like I’m going to believe that. Listen, Harp, I don’t know what happened with your mom or what tonight was about, but I really wish you would stay and talk to me.”
“I love you Connor, but I can’t talk to you or anybody about this. I just … I just need some time to figure everything out. Ok?” I ask, looking up at him.
“Ok, but I’m here for you,” he says coming closer and pulling me into a hug, “I am always here for you. I love you.”
He pulls my face to his and kisses me sweetly.
Ugh.
He’s making this so much harder for me. Every time we kiss it’s different and exciting and tender all at the same time. I kiss him back—this may be my last chance. I need to get away from him and luckily the headlights from my mom’s car shine brightly into the sitting room.
When I pull away there are tears welling in my eyes. I take my hand and cup Connor’s cheek, “I love you so much,” I say, the tears escaping, “You are so wonderful, but I need to go … I need some time.”
I see the confusion on his face. As he starts processing what I just said, the look in his eyes breaks me and I pull the front door open, needing to get out of here fast.
“Harp, wait, what are you doing?”
I can’t answer. I keep my head down as I reach my mom’s car and throw my bags in the trunk.
I start to walk to the passenger door when Connor grabs my arm and turns me to face him, now clutching both of my arms. As emotionless as I try to be, traitorous tears cascade down my face as the realization of what I really meant seeps into his face.
“You need time from me? Why? I don’t understand … what did I do?”
I sniffle and look at him, “You didn’t do anything, this is about me. I need some time … on my own.”
I move away from his grasp and open the passenger door, but right before I get in, I look back at him and see tears rolling down his face too.
“I love you Connor, more than you will ever know,” I whisper in his ear before kissing him on the cheek. I slide into my seat urging my mom to drive away quickly and she does. We’re home in no time and I’m in my room lying on my bed, when she knocks on the door and opens it before I can send her away.
“Hi … I thought I’d see how you’re doing.” she says concerned.
“I’m fine but I just need some time alone, ok?”
“Ok, but what happened? Connor looked devastated when you got in the car.”
I shut my eyes to control the tears swelling again, but it doesn’t work because as soon as my eyes are shut, all I see are images of Connor’s face in my head. She’s right, I broke him tonight. I take a deep breath and get myself under control before answering her.
“We just need some time away from each other. It’s no big deal. He’ll get over it and find someone better for him.”
“I know I’m new to this whole mothering thing, but even I can see how much you love each other. Don’t turn your back on that, baby girl.”
My sorrow has now turned to anger and I clench my hands into fists before sitting up.
“First of all, don’t talk about me and Connor. We. Are. Done. Got it?” I spit out watching her pale at my harsh words. “Secondly, I am not your baby girl. I am nothing more than an unwanted child of a rapist and abusive mother. The only reason why I’m here is because I have nowhere else to go. Now Get Out!”
I’m so pissed I’m shaking. I can’t believe her. She heeds my warning and leaves me in my room. I spend the rest of the night bouncing between anger and sadness. I think about everything my mom told me along with everything Alex said to me. When I’m done replaying those things, I think about Connor. And for more torture, I remember all the good times we’ve had over the years.
As I remember one memory, I remember another and another. Soon I’m shaking with sadness and despair.
I don’t know when I fall asleep but I wake up at noon the next day. My whole body hurts, especially my head. I get up, shower and take some Advil before returning to my room. I pick up my phone and see missed calls from Connor, Ethan, and Emma along with text messages from all of them. It doesn’t surprise me that Connor told them what happened, but it’s going to make school tomorrow so uncomfortable.
I’m woken up by a noise and look around noticing that it’s dark outside, before realizing the noise is someone knocking at my door. I get up and open the door to see my mom standing in the doorway.
“I made some dinner, I thought I’d see if you want any?” she asks.
I shake my head no and start to shut the door. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep forever.
“Harp, you have to eat something, you’ve been in here all day and you look like hell.”
“No, mother, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. And right now, I don’t want to eat. I want to go back to sleep.” I tell her before shutting the door in her face. When I’m back in the safety and comfort of my bed, it doesn’t take long before I become numb and fall back asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm going off. I hate that I’m so damn responsible because I would love to sleep the rest of the day away. You know what, I think I will. Screw it. I’ve never skipped school and I rarely miss because I’m sick. I get up to look for my mom so she can call into school for me.
“Oh good, you’re up. You’d better hurry and get ready so you’re not late,” she says as I enter the kitchen.
“Thanks for stating the obvious, but I’m not going today. You need to call and tell them I’m sick.”
“Are you?”
“What?”
“Sick,” she says cocking her head to the side.
“Are you going to call them?”
“I’m not calling into school today just so you can skip. You can’t run away from this Harp, trust me, I know because I’ve been running for a long, long time. It doesn’t work.”
“Thanks for the advice mommy dearest, but I think it would be in your best interest to call into school for me today. It’s not like I’ve asked you for a whole helluva lot, so I think you can manage to do one small favor for me, don’t cha think?” I throw over my shoulder as I lay down on the couch.
I know that was a low blow, but I don’t care. My words must have hit their target because she stands in front of me a few minutes later.
“I will call in for you, but this is the one and only time I will do it. At some point you are going to have to stop punishing m
e Harp. I’ve finally started coming to terms with the fact that I can’t take back what I’ve done to you, and am moving forward with my life. I hope you can do the same for your sake,” she says before leaving for work.
Whatever. I lay on the couch all day shifting between naps and watching bad daytime TV. When my mom pulls into the driveway I go to my room. I cannot deal with her right now. I spend a few hours listening to some of my favorite classical pieces and that helps me feel better before she opens my door.
“Thanks for knocking. What do you want?”
She rolls her eyes, “I did knock but you didn’t hear me with your ear-buds in. I came to tell you dinner is ready. I think it would be good for you to eat something.”
“Thanks, but I’m not interested. You can shut my door now.”
“This isn’t a negotiation. You are going to eat something. Let’s go”
Ugh.I.Hate.Her.
I roll my eyes and stalk after her to the kitchen. She’s made spaghetti with garlic bread and even though I don’t want to admit it, it looks and smells really good. Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything else and I stuff a few bites in my mouth before excusing myself from the table to go back to my room. When I’m in the hall, my mom calls after me and I stop.
“Oh Harp, I almost forgot to tell you … the school nurse called today to see how you were feeling and asked if I thought you’d be cleared to go back to school tomorrow.” she pauses.
I clear my throat, “And ….”
“And, I told her you just had a little twenty-four hour bug and since you were feeling much better, you will be back in school tomorrow.”
Crap. I slam my door shut and put my music back on until I fall asleep.
I wake up to my alarm again and groan. I soak under the hot water and feel the tension between my shoulders fade as I give myself a pep talk. School is good. Routine is good. Music is good. Just focus on the good stuff and it will be fine. You will get through this; just take it one day at a time.
Once I’m dressed and ready to go, I realize I have no idea how I’m getting there since Connor always takes me. Crap. I really don’t want to ask my mom for a ride, but I don’t think there’s another option. I don’t even know where the bus stop is.
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