Beautiful in the Lord's Eyes

by Susan Kohler

  “Thank God.” Nicole whispered a prayer.

  “Nicole, about your pregnancy, I know you are a good, loving woman,” her pastor said. “I know you can give this child a good home, filled with joy and the love of God.”

  “Pastor, for a long time my life has been all about my looks. Not that my looks mattered that much to me, except as a, well, a business tool, you know that. Most people would think that I have to beat men off with a stick, that’s the image they have of a model along with wild parties, jet setting and anorexia. Even before this happened I was getting tired of looking for the right man. I met a lot of men who seemed interested in me, but it was usually a false interest. Too many only saw this…” she made a circling gesture in front of her face, “or this body, or my bank account, even all three. Some wanted me to be sort of a pet or a trophy, and then some wanted to control me. They were just not right, not what I wanted at all.”

  She was firm as she said, “I wanted a man to really love me. I wanted a good Christian man; someone who could see the real me inside and not just the image or the bank account. I guess I don’t have to worry about someone only being attracted to my looks anymore.”

  She shrugged.

  “But now, how will anyone even look at me twice, to see the real me inside, with this face?” She admitted, “I finally got up the nerve to look in a mirror this morning and I’ll admit it, I’m really shaken. I look horrible, and the scars will be there forever. Part of my hair is missing but it’s growing back. There will be some improvement, with lots of care and countless plastic surgeries and time, but I will always have scars on my face and body. I know what’s inside of me is more important than the shell but...”

  “What a shock for you, for anyone.” He prayed with her. “Father God, please be with Nicole as she goes through this trial. Help her heal. Bless her pregnancy and keep her baby safe. Help her find a good, loving father for this child and let it grow surrounded by love, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

  “Remember, it’s in God’s hands now.” Rachel smiled, her lovely smile. “We just put it there.”

  “I have to admit, Pastor Mark, Rachel, my faith is a little shaky right now,” Nicole said with a sad smile. “But I truly believe this baby, however he or she came into being, is a gift from God. This child will see the real me and feel my love. I may be on rocky ground in my faith right now, but it’s still there.”

  Pastor Mark smiled at her. “I know you’ll find a depth to your faith in the Lord that you didn’t even know you had.”

  After the pastor and his wife left, Nicole started to feel worse. She felt warm and her skin felt clammy. Her chest felt tight as if it was being squeezed in a vise. She rang for the nurse only to find them already coming to her room.

  “Relax, Nicole,” the head nurse told her. “You’re having some complications, but we’re here and Doctor Wilson is coming. You’re going to be fine.”

  “What’s happening?” Nicole gasped. “I was feeling good and then I started feeling so weak.”

  “We’re not sure, but we called the doctor as soon as we noticed the changes on your monitor,” the nurse explained calmly. “He’s coming any minute.”

  Behind her, Doctor Wilson strode up. “I’m here. Luckily I was visiting another patient.”

  The doctor looked over Nicole’s charts and traces of her vitals.

  He turned to the head nurse. “Book an O.R. stat. Tell them we have a pulmonary embolism.”

  He walked over to the head of Nicole’s bed. “You’ve got a pulmonary embolism; a blood clot in your lungs. We’ve been using medication to prevent this kind of clot but one has formed anyway. It can be treated with medication but I want to go in with a catheter and pull it out. This is done through a small incision, so it should heal quickly. Then we’ll use medication to keep you from forming another one. You will be on it for months following your release from the hospital, and we will monitor your blood very closely. But for now, let’s get this clot out.”

  He had her sign a consent form before they transferred her to a gurney and wheeled her into the surgical suite.

  David rushed to the hospital as soon as he heard, only to be met there by his mother and Emily. Shortly after they arrived, Pastor Mark and Rachel joined them. They prayed and waited in a small waiting room designed for the families of ICU patients. Rachel poured everyone coffee.

  “What makes this so frightening, for me at least, is that I was beginning to relax, feeling as if the worst was over,” David said as he paced, “even if she’s still in ICU.”

  “David, I spend a lot of time in this room with families,” the pastor began, “and I know how much of a shock this is for you. I heard it was a pulmonary embolism, which is a serious setback, but it can be treated fairly easily. They caught it quickly because she is in ICU being closely monitored. The surgery they are doing on her is minimally invasive. They just have to get the clot out and change her medications. She’s a fighter, this won’t take long and she’ll be back on the road to recovery.”

  True to the pastor’s word, it was a short eternity before they got word that Nicole was out of surgery and in recovery. Not long after that, they got word she was back in her room in the ICU.

  They stopped and talked to the doctor, who told them Nicole was going to be fine.

  “She needs to rest, so I’d like you all to go home,” the doctor said, “but I know that’s not going to happen with this group, so here’s what I suggest. Pastor, you go in and say your prayer and then leave. Then two of you, only two, go in for about five minutes and then the rest of you all go home. You can come back tomorrow.”

  “How will this affect her recovery and her pregnancy?” Bonnie asked as Pastor Mark and Rachel went into Nicole’s room.

  “She should be back on the road to recovery fairly soon. I was planning on moving her into a regular room tomorrow or the next day, so this will delay that for a few days,” he said. “It shouldn’t affect her pregnancy, but we’ll monitor it closely. I’ll consult with her OB/GYN. We were keeping her blood thinners at a minimal dose because of the pregnancy, and she got the clot, so now we’ll try to set an optimum dose.”

  “Thanks, doctor,” Bonnie said.

  As soon as Pastor Mark and Rachel came out and said their goodbyes, David and Bonnie went in to visit.

  “How are you, honey?” Bonnie asked, gently taking Nicole’s hand.

  “I’m drowsy and the incision hurts a bit, but I’m fine,” she murmured. “But I am worried about the baby.”

  “We all are,” David told her, patting her other hand. “But the doctor seems to think it will be okay. You relax and try to get some sleep and we’ll see you in the morning.”

  Chapter Four

  “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”

  (Isaiah 53:4-5)

  The next few weeks were a blur, filled with constant treatments including plastic surgeries and painful wound care. To top it off, a few days after her surgery for the pulmonary embolism she was moved to a regular room. Once she was in that room her physical therapy began. The physical therapy sessions, conducted under the care of a physical therapist named Troy, were pure torture. She had lost so much muscle tone and mobility it was amazing, but Troy the Terrible, as she thought of him, pushed her to regain her former strength. He was relentless and demanding, but he was also, in a strange way, very gentle with her. For the first few days, he came to her room, massaging and articulating her limbs. He walked beside her, up and down the hallway outside her room. After a few days the sessions with Troy were moved down to a basement floor. There was a gym, but some of the equipment was very strange to Nicole. Troy always put her through a long hard workout, and each day he expected her to show some improvement. The sessions took up most of her mornings and left her fe
eling weak and exhausted.

  For the rest of the day there was boredom, pain, and almost constant nurses, lab techs and doctors. They took her blood so often she wondered if there was any left in her. Her only relief from all of this was her frequent visitors. Now that she was in a regular room it was open season on visitors. Her room became filled with gifts and flowers. Every few days she had most of the flowers sent to other rooms. She knew there were some patients who didn’t get very many.

  Still, as Nicole continued to heal she began to slip into a major depression. The losses got to her; her murdered friends, her job and career, and her innocence... all gone! She was also having violent nightmares. The doctors offered to give her sleeping pills but she refused, worrying about the effect it might have on her baby. Although she was healing and she had lots of guests, she felt restless and tired. To add insult to, well, injury, she had morning sickness that no medication seemed to help. She began each day with mild tea and crackers.

  The visitors were the only bright spots in her day, and Nicole had lots of visitors. Pastor Mark and Rachel, along with many members of the church came often and prayed with her. Pastor Brad from Emily’s church visited several times too. They would read passages from the Bible, pray, and just sit and talk. Some of those church ladies could even get Nicole to laugh. They weren’t stuffy, those church ladies, they all really had a sense of humor. Rachel, the Pastor’s wife, was always ready with her warm, genuine smile and a soft hug. The only problem was finding a place to hug that didn’t hurt.

  One memorable day Emily brought her mother with her to visit Nicole at the hospital. Julia, the nurse, had a trip she had been planning to go on for a long time and Emily told her to go on and have fun. Emily had been fighting the flu and it was her first visit since Nicole had been moved to a regular room, so Emily had to hunt her down with Mae in tow.

  Just getting Mae out of the house and loaded into the car was an adventure. Mae wanted to go to Disneyland and didn’t know anyone named Nicole anyway! Emily and Mae finally got to the hospital and they found Nicole’s new room. Mae sat in a chair beside Nicole and chatted with her, almost making sense. Nicole chatted right back to her, playing off whatever Mae said.

  Mae talked on and on, her pale blue eyes flashing. As she spoke her fine hair fell out of its bun, covering her face in a soft, gray cloud.

  “Why did you choose this hotel?” Mae asked, irritated. “The room service here is terrible!”

  Nicole nodded wisely. “The room service is indeed terrible and they don’t even have a pool!”

  Emily just laughed.

  On other days her friends Kate and Laura came, sometimes with kids and husbands and sometimes just themselves. When either Kate or Laura brought their kids things got pretty wild. Kate had five children, three from her first husband and two more from her current husband, Bob, all under seven, and she would bring a sitter. Once the kids said hi to Nicole, the sitter bravely took the brood, along with their coloring books, to the cafeteria. Laura’s twins were about two, and she only brought them once. Her husband, Jack, wrangled the pair and once again the cafeteria was the best place for them. For the most part, Kate and Laura just came by themselves.

  Those visits were a bit of both relief and trauma for Nicole. Kate and Laura were known for one peculiar habit of theirs. They were really into matchmaking, an area in which they were ruthless and strangely infallible. Nicole had often wondered why they had never set her up, but she had never asked. Still, she enjoyed watching them work. Sometimes their husbands came with them and watched as they matched up various members of the hospital staff.

  It was during one of the visits that included their husbands where Kate met the young investigator, Detective Reynolds. She noticed how professional he was, how well his tight jeans molded to his body, and she also saw his interest in Nicole. She met Laura’s eyes and they watched him for a while. They noted his patience with Nicole, his quiet manners, so unlike the stereotypical cop; and how he seemed eager to cater to her needs. Suddenly Kate cocked an eyebrow and swung her eyes to meet Laura’s.

  Kate’s husband, Bob, caught the look and pulled the two aside. “Are you two matchmaking again? Don’t you ever stop? But hey, even I can tell he’s interested in her. This would be a piece of cake.”

  Kate kissed her husband quickly. “No, love, he’s not the one. Not for Nicole.”

  Bob walked over to ask Laura, “Dare I ask why?”

  “Because he’s still focusing on Nikki Silver, not Nicole Silvan. He sees her as wounded, and he expects her to heal.” Laura paused. “I think his interest is genuine but it’s not based on the woman she really is, it’s based on the image of the woman she was.”

  Before long, Nicole’s OB/GYN came in to check on her. She was a resident, about 30 years old, with caramel skin, caring brown eyes and a wide smile. The detective’s eyes went straight to her. Her name badge read Dr. Wendy Sullivan.

  “Doctor Sullivan, how nice to meet you at last. We’ve been wondering when we would get the chance since you always seem to come check on Nick when we’re not around,” Laura said.

  “That’s because I was warned about you two, the matchmakers, as you’re known around here. At least three nurses and two doctors said you set them up. Now they’re all dating, engaged, or even married. But they are all very happy and in love. But see here, I’m still a resident, I cannot afford to fall in love just yet, not for my career, not emotionally, and not financially.” She smiled good-naturedly. “So back off, don’t even try.”

  “We wouldn’t dream of it.” Laura hid her grin, she loved being challenged. “Dr. Sullivan, have you met Detective Reynolds? He’s one of the detectives investigating Nicole’s attack.”

  The doctor shot Laura a resigned sneer, then slid her gaze over to Detective Reynolds. He was blushing! She smiled softly, not bad, not bad at all.

  “Witch!” Kate whispered to Laura, mocking her in a singsong voice as they left the room. “I wouldn’t dream of setting you up, but please, meet your future husband.”

  “I’d like to talk to you about Nicole’s attack and her condition,” the detective said, then took her hand after Kate and Laura left. “If that’s all right with Nicole.”

  He turned to Nicole and saw her nod. “I realize you have to respect doctor/patient confidentiality.”

  “Well, I need to examine Nicole right now.” The doctor smiled, revealing adorable dimples. “How about meeting me in the cafeteria in about 15 minutes?”

  “Fine.” The detective looked at her even more closely, dimples and deep brown eyes, hmm. “I’ll be there.”

  After he was gone, she sighed and turned to Nicole. “Nicole, I hate to bring up bad memories but I need to verify some things. This pregnancy is a result of rape, correct?”

  She looked up to see Nicole nod.

  “And murder,” Nicole added.

  “I personally do not perform abortions, but I have to ask: Are you sure about keeping this baby?” She said it softly.

  “Yes, the baby is an innocent.” Nicole did not hesitate.

  “And have you considered adoption?” She continued, “It might be hard to keep a reminder of the attack.”

  “I want the child,” Nicole said firmly, “however I got it.”

  She paused, choosing her words. “Please understand, this child shouldn’t have been conceived, and shouldn’t have survived my injuries and my stress, so this child is here for a reason. He or she is a gift from God to help me move forward from the attack. I truly believe that.”

  “You’re a woman of strong faith then,” Doctor Sullivan said. “I am too, so I respect that.”

  David came bursting into the room. “Hey Nick! I have an idea!’

  He leaned in to kiss her cheek, not realizing he was interrupting. “You know Frank’s stepdaughter, Cassie?”

  Nicole nodded. “She’s a little dynamo! How old is she now, anyway?”

  “She’s ten I think, maybe eleven.” David paused. “Anyway, I had a th
ought, why can’t we have her exercise Burgie?”

  “Burgie is gentle, but he’s also very spirited. Can Cassie handle him?” Nicole frowned both at the thought of someone else riding her horse, and from missing him herself.

  David grinned. “I’ll work with her, I taught Emily to ride, remember? And she wants to learn gymkhana. She’s getting bored with Western Pleasure.”

  “Correction, I taught Emily to ride, she wanted to surprise you. Still, under your supervision and with her parents’ okay, I think it’s alright for Cassie to ride Burgie.” Nicole rubbed her growing belly gently. “I know my passenger here isn’t ready to ride.”

  Before long, Nicole drifted off to sleep. She’d been dropping off for short naps recently since she started having the nightmares.

  Dr. Sullivan looked over as Kate and Laura returned. “Ms. Silvan must be a great lady, all of the nurses say she’s very nice, even in her pain. I understand she’s a famous model.”

  “She was. I doubt that she’ll be going back to modeling, but yes, she’s Nikki Silver,” Laura said. “Please call her Nicole, or Nick.”

  “She wants the baby, really wants it, so I’m going to do my best for her,” the doctor assured Nicole’s friends.

  “We know you will,” David told her, “and it will help that Nicole’s not a difficult patient. She’ll follow doctor’s orders.”

  “Well, I’d better go meet that detective for coffee.” The doctor turned and smiled at Kate and Laura. “I know your game, I seem to have been set up by some champion matchmakers. Just don’t expect me to go along like a lamb to the slaughter.”

  “His first name’s Sam,” Kate called out after the doctor’s retreating back.

  Laura just laughed and added, “Name the first baby after one of us.”

  They heard a muffled shriek coming from down the hall. “That’s not funny!”

  “Hey!” Nicole laughed as she protested from the bed. “Don’t go matchmaking with all my admirers, leave at least one for me. My ego’s a little bruised right now.”