“And there aren’t too many people crowded in Atlantia?” I asked as we walked past a crumbling stone wall. The black waters of Stygian Bay glittered like pools of obsidian, still and vast. It went on as far as I could see, disappearing into the horizon.
“Not yet, but if we continue growing, our cities will be as crowded.”
Reaching the top of a slight hill, I turned, unable to see anything beyond the fortress walls. “But you have Spessa’s End.”
Kieran nodded, and I still couldn’t believe that there was anything here. I started down the hill, and the grass gave way to sand. There was no damp scent as we drew close to the broken piers that jutted up from the water like decayed fingers. The air smelled of lavender, except I saw none of the purple-tipped plants. I stared at the lifeless, midnight waters, wondering when or if the god that slumbered within the Bay would wake. If so, what would the God of Common Men and Endings think of the world he’d left behind, of what was being done to the mortals he cared for in death?
Looking down, a sudden urge swept through me. “It has been years since I felt sand under my feet.”
“Now is a better time than any to feel it again, I suppose.”
His dry response didn’t deter me as I yanked off my boots and socks. A grin tugged at my lips as I wiggled my toes in the warm, coarse sand.
Kieran snorted. “Malik used the do the same as soon as he reached the sand. Tear off his shoes so he could feel it against his feet.”
A heaviness settled over me as I walked toward the Bay, leaving my shoes and socks behind in a pile. “What was Malik like? I mean, what is he like?”
Kieran followed a few steps behind me, silent for a long moment. “He was kind and generous but also a wicked prankster. Casteel was always the far more serious one.” He joined me. “He was the brother you would’ve thought was being groomed from birth to be King.”
Casteel, the serious one? That surprised me more than the fact that a god slept in the Bay.
My thoughts must’ve been visible on my face because he said, “The way Casteel is with you—the teasing and trying to get a rise out of you—isn’t how he is with most.”
“So, it’s an act?”
“No, Casteel is just more…alive when he’s with you,” he said, and I—
I thought my jaw might hit the sand.
“And Malik was the life and soul of the family,” Kieran continued. I picked my mouth up off the ground. “And the past tense is correct. Even if he lives, he will not be who he used to be.”
“But he’ll have his family to help him remember—his parents, Casteel, you,” I reasoned. “All of you can help him remember who he once was.”
Kieran didn’t respond.
I looked at him. “Do you…do you think he still lives?”
“He has to. Even if the vamprys have been capturing Atlantians all these years, full-blooded or half, they would not allow the Prince to die. With him, it takes less blood to complete the Ascension. He’s too much of a prize to let wither and die.”
Stomach churning, I briefly closed my eyes. While a large part of me hoped he still lived, a small part almost wished he didn’t. Whatever existence he had under the Ascended’s control was no life.
The question that was already answered surfaced again. How could the Ascended be allowed to continue?
They couldn’t be.
If Casteel and I were successful, then would I seriously be content spending the rest of my life safely hidden away while the Ascended continued ruling the people of Solis with fear? Stealing their children and who knew how many other people? If the Queen and King lived or died, wouldn’t the other Ascended simply find another Atlantian to continue making more Ascended, even if it were forbidden?
Casteel wanted to avoid war, but how could anyone be sure that the Royals would change? That they wouldn’t seek to go back to the way things were?
Kieran shifted slightly, looking over his shoulder. I followed his gaze, squinting. Three or four people walked past the crumbling walls, their clothing a vibrant array of golds and blues.
“Who are they?”
“Not entirely sure who they are,” Kieran answered, turning back around. “But most of the people here are older Descenters and Atlantians and wolven.”
I watched them until I could no longer see them, my stomach twisting into tiny knots. How would they respond to me? Friendly and outgoing like Elijah and Alastir, or would they be like the rest?
“Casteel and I came here once when we were younger, before the town was razed,” Kieran said, catching my attention. “It was one of the first times we’d left Atlantia. Malik was with us, and the people who lived here, those who were half-Atlantian or supporters knew who we were and behaved as if Rhain himself had risen from the Bay.”
Not one but two Princes in their midst must have stirred up some excitement.
“A lot of people crowded the edges of the Bay.” He squinted as if he were trying to see what had once been here. “A small girl slipped on the embankment and fell into the water. There was panic and helplessness as everyone stood at the edge.”
I sat down, several feet from the water’s edge. “No one jumped in after her?”
He shook his head. “No mortal enters these waters and returns. The people believed that Rhain’s sentries would capture anyone who dared, grabbing their ankles and pulling them down below.” One side of his lips quirked up in a wry grin as he lowered himself to the spot beside me. “But Cas jumped in. Didn’t even think twice about it. Just dove right in, even though the girl had slipped under and hadn’t resurfaced.”
I turned back to the Bay. “Did he find her?”
“He did. Pulled her back to the water’s edge where Malik and—” He drew in a deep breath, stretching out a leg. “One of our friends was able to force the water from her lungs. The girl breathed. She lived. And those who were unaware of what Malik and Cas were, truly believed they were gods.”
I was happy to hear that the girl had lived, and I hoped that what happened to this town came long after her time. But my brain got stuck on something. Kieran had almost said a name for this friend, and I had a good idea who it was.
“Was it Shea who came here with you all?”
“What?” Kieran’s head snapped in my direction. “How do you know her name?” His eyes narrowed, and before I could respond, he muttered, “Alastir.”
I nodded. “Alastir told me about her. That Casteel was once engaged to his daughter.”
His features sharpened. “Alastir shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Why? That was his daughter,” I argued. “He lost her, too, and before you get mad at him, he even told me he probably shouldn’t have brought her up. I haven’t said anything to Casteel.” Well, that was kind of true.
“But, of course, you have questions.”
“I do,” I admitted.
Kieran slowly shook his head as he stared out over the Bay. “You’re not asking for my advice, but I’m going to give it to you, nonetheless. This time, I truly hope you listen.” His icy blue eyes met mine. “Don’t bring up Shea with Cas. That is a road you don’t want to travel with him. Ever.”
My brows lifted. “But she’s a part of him and—”
“And why does that matter to you?” he challenged. “This marriage will only be temporary, correct? Why do you need to know about those who shaped who he is today? That kind of knowledge is for those who plan on a future.”
I snapped my mouth shut as frustration boiled inside me. Kieran was right, but…
Sighing, I looked over my shoulder, able to see the upper walls of the fortress. Had Casteel cooled down? “Are you sure he’ll be okay?”
Kieran’s head inclined as he studied me. “Do you want an honest answer or one that will make this easier for you?”
“You said earlier that he’d be okay,” I pointed out as dread blossomed to life.
“He will be.” He paused. “For now.”
“What is that supposed to m
ean?”
“It means that he’ll be okay for a little longer, but he needs to feed. He’s gone too long.”
Dread pumped through me, alive and well. “When was the last time he fed?”
“I’m not sure, but it had to be when we were in Masadonia.” He dragged a hand over his head and then dropped it, glancing back to the water. “Normally, he’d be able to go for weeks without feeding, but he’s given you blood twice, and then he was wounded. That moved him closer to the edge.”
“He didn’t need to give me his blood last time.”
His gaze swiveled back to mine. “I know. I told him not to, but he did it anyway. He didn’t want to see you in pain.”
I sucked in a short breath. “And now he’s in pain because of that. Because of me?”
“It’s not because of you, Penellaphe. It was his choice. Just as it has been his choice not to feed.”
“I still don’t get that.” Frustrated, I picked up a fistful of sand. “Why would he do this to himself? I felt his hunger, Kieran. It was intense, and the longer he goes, it will only get worse—”
“And you will be more at risk.”
I stilled, even though my heart thundered. “I thought he was the only person I was safe with. Isn’t that what you said?”
“You are, but when an Atlantian doesn’t feed, no one is safe. Not even those they care about or even love.”
Air left me in a singular rush. Love? “He doesn’t care for me.”
Kieran stared back at me. “If it helps you to believe that, then by all means, continue. But that doesn’t make it true.”
I glared at him. “And just because you spout vague statements doesn’t make whatever you’re saying true either.”
“He gave you his blood when you didn’t need it, just so you wouldn’t be in pain when you woke—”
“And so I didn’t delay in leaving New Haven!”
“Funny how we weren’t planning to leave the moment you woke anyway,” he replied. “Which you’re conveniently forgetting.”
I clamped my mouth shut.
“Even if that were the case, which it isn’t, if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have been concerned over you being uncomfortable during our travels, would he? And if he didn’t care, he would’ve used a hundred different compulsions at this point, no matter how temporary, to keep you better controlled, something that would make all our lives easier.”
My eyes narrowed.
“He wouldn’t be marrying you, risking the ire of not just his entire kingdom but also his parents, who you will soon discover are not two people you want to anger just so you have a chance to make it through this alive, free from the Ascended and from him. If that is what you choose,” he went on. “But more importantly, he would’ve stuck to the plan he spent years cultivating, and we would’ve already been halfway to Carsodonia to exchange you for his brother. Yet, here we are. And the only reason why any of that changed is because once he got to know you, he started to care for you.”
I wanted Kieran to take back those words because they did things to my heart, and even worse, dangerous things to my mind.
“You’re annoying,” I muttered.
“The truth often is. But you want to know an even more annoying truth?”
“Not really.”
“Too bad, because you need to hear this. He cares for just like you care for him despite the lies and the betrayal,” Kieran stated. “That’s why, even when you were the Maiden, you shared your secrets with him and allowed him things you would’ve never permitted anyone else. That’s why you didn’t use that dagger strapped to your thigh this morning, even though you knew how to use it against an Atlantian. That’s why you want to know more about Shea. It’s why, even now, you are concerned about him.” His eyes flashed an intense blue. “And just so you know, the only reason I didn’t end your life the second I learned that you stabbed him in the heart is because he cares for you. Is that less vague enough for you, Penellaphe?”
My lips parted on a shaky inhale. I didn’t want to hear what he said. I didn’t want to recognize the truth of his words. Acknowledging them was…it felt irrevocable.
Because caring for Casteel meant more than just wanting him. It meant either forgiving or forgetting his lies and betrayals, and I didn’t know if that was right or wrong. Because him caring for me meant more than just an agreement or pretending, and the implications of all of that was…well, it was terrifying for a multitude of reasons. Kieran could be wrong. Casteel could care for me, but not deeply. While I would…oh, gods, I already knew what it meant for me to care for him—what I desperately wished wasn’t the case.
That I’d started falling in love with him when we first met and hadn’t stopped.
But beyond that, I was the Maiden—a person his people, his family, would most likely loathe. I was only half-Atlantian. I would age and die, and he would be who he was today for so many years, it would feel like an eternity to me.
I stared at the sand, feeling more out of my element now than I had since this whole thing started. “The night before I learned who he really was, I had already decided that I could no longer be the Maiden. It wasn’t just because of him. Maybe how I felt about him was the start of me realizing that I could never live in the skin of the Maiden, but I wanted to stay with him,” I admitted, my voice hoarse and barely above a whisper. “Even though I thought he was a Royal Guard and would have to basically go into hiding with me, I wanted to be with him—to stay with him somehow. Because he made me feel…. He made me feel like I was alive.” I swallowed hard. “I did care for him. I cared for him a lot.”
“He was Casteel then just like he’s Hawke now,” Kieran stated quietly, drawing my gaze to him. “And you know that. You just aren’t ready to accept it.”
I briefly squeezed my eyes shut. Still, caring for him could cause a chain of reactions I wouldn’t be able to prevent. Caring for him felt like I was betraying not just Vikter and Rylan and all of those who’d died because of him, but also myself. That I forgave his lies and his misdeeds. Still caring meant…
“Still caring for him would only lead to heartache,” I whispered, knowing the truth right then and there. I did care. I never stopped caring. And acknowledging that felt as if I’d slipped under the black water.
“It doesn’t have to,” Kieran said. “But even so, sometimes, the heartbreak that comes with loving someone is worth it, even if loving that person means eventually saying goodbye to them.”
The roughness in his tone spoke more than his words shared. “You sound like you have experience with that.”
“I do.” A long moment of silence passed between us. “Do you know what happens when an Atlantian cares for someone?”
I shook my head, wanting to know more about this person that he’d loved but had to say goodbye to.
Kieran didn’t give me a chance. “They find the idea of feeding from someone else repellent. It’s too intimate for them to even consider. And if the partner is mortal? It usually takes the mortal proving to the other that it’s okay for them to feed, and in some cases, the Atlantian is lost to the darkness of hunger. That’s why he hasn’t fed.”
My heart thudded against my ribs as I told myself that couldn’t be the case with Casteel. It just couldn’t.
Kieran was quiet only for a few minutes. “Cas told me once that he felt as if he already knew you after speaking with you just a few times.”
I wiggled my toes in the sand once more. “I asked him about that.”
“This is my surprised face,” Kieran murmured, and when I looked at him, his expression was the same as always. Bored with a hint of amusement.
My lips twitched despite the insanity of our conversation as I turned back to the sparkling, sun-drenched midnight water. “He told me he believed it was the Atlantian blood in him, recognizing mine.”
“And you felt the same?”
I nodded. “Is that a possibility?”
“Possibly,” he said after a moment. “But I do
n’t think that’s the case. I think it’s something deeper than that. Something intangible, far rarer and stronger than bloodlines and even the gods. Something powerful enough that it has ushered in great change in the past.”
Tensing, I had a feeling I didn’t want to know what he thought. That whatever it was would be even more earth-shattering than what he’d already shared. It’d be words given life that I wouldn’t be able to control.
“I think you’re heartmates.”
Chapter 24
Heartmates.
Kieran didn’t elaborate on what that meant, and I didn’t ask for more information. I’d never heard of such a thing, and I didn’t want to.
Processing the idea of Casteel caring about me was complicated enough without adding yet another intangible element to it.
But what Kieran had said—all of it— lingered throughout breakfast, robbing the food of all taste as my gaze kept roaming back toward the white banners hanging on the walls of the dining hall, spaced six feet apart. In the center of each of them was an emblem embossed in gold, shaped like the sun and its rays. And at the center of the sun was a sword lying diagonally atop an arrow.
I knew I was staring at the Atlantian Crest.
We ate at a narrow table in a dining room that’d once served the people of Spessa’s End but now was empty except for Quentyn, who had brought the eggs, crispy bacon, and biscuits out to us when we arrived. He chatted with Kieran, his energy from the night before seeming just as high. I tried to focus on the conversation, aware of how different this was from the last time Kieran and I had shared food. Quentyn didn’t ignore me or treat me with barely contained dislike. If he knew I had once been the Maiden, he didn’t care. And that was, well…it would’ve been something to revel in if I didn’t keep looking around to see if Casteel appeared, or if my mind wasn’t so wrapped up in what Kieran had said.
I couldn’t focus on the fact that Casteel may care for me. I couldn’t even dwell on the revelation that I’d moved past the stage of caring for him quite some time ago. There was no amount of time or space for me to even come to terms with any of that and what it meant.
A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire Page 35