His jaw flexed, and then he spat out a curse. The ice left me. He wouldn’t do that. “This is different, Poppy. Different than the Rise or the Craven or the Dead Bones Clan.”
“You should leave,” the Guardian spoke. “I saw what you can do—out there with Delano. But that will be of no use when it’s time to fight. You will be nothing but a distraction to our Prince. You will be a liability.”
Slowly, I turned to the woman. “Excuse me?”
Nova stared back at me. “I mean no offense. I’m only stating facts.”
“Your facts are grossly incorrect,” I told her. “Just to point out the most obvious of your inaccuracies, what I did for Delano would actually come in handy when and if people are injured. That,”—I sent a dark look in Casteel’s direction—“is common sense.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“As far as me being a liability? I’m just as good with a sword as I am with a bow, and I’m damn good with a bow. Probably better than most here. I am an asset,” I said. “And as far as being a distraction to Casteel, that’s his weakness. Not mine.”
Nova’s chin lifted, and I felt…I felt a measure of respect from the Guardian. It was buried under layers of wariness, but it was there.
“She’s not lying,” Casteel said, watching me. “Penellaphe can fight, and her skill with a sword and aim with the arrow are leagues above that of a trained soldier. She is never a liability.”
My gaze shifted to him. “So then it’s settled?”
His lips thinned as he shook his head.
“You need my help,” I told him, drawing in a shallow breath. “And I need to be here. They are coming for me, and I have to be able to do something. I need to fight back, not stand by and do nothing.”
Casteel’s eyes met mine and stayed, and I thought maybe he understood then. Why I couldn’t walk away. Why doing so would make me feel helpless. But even then, I braced for more of a fight. Because this was different. This was battle, and I could feel the mess of emotions in him. The conflict.
But then he nodded. “Okay. You stay,” he said, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “We’ll discuss what exactly that means later.”
My eyes narrowed.
“What of me?” Kieran demanded then. “If Penellaphe is staying—”
“There still needs to be two of you,” Casteel interrupted, and I sensed the bone-deep weariness in him. “Delano can’t make the trip, and you’re faster than Naill and most Atlantians here.”
Kieran stiffened while his father watched on in silence. “And this is an order?”
Meeting Kieran’s eyes, Casteel nodded. “Yes. It is.”
The wolven’s jaw worked so hard, I was surprised we didn’t hear it crack. He shook his head. Disbelief and anger radiated from him, but I felt something else, something deeper that was warm and stronger than the anger. “I know why you’re doing this,” Kieran whispered.
Casteel said nothing for a long moment and then said, “It’s not the only reason.”
Words went unsaid between them, but were understood nonetheless. Whatever it was caused Kieran to nod, to accept Casteel’s order. Then Kieran moved forward, clasping Casteel around the back of the neck. “If you get yourself killed,” Kieran said, “I’m going to be pissed.”
One side of Casteel’s lips kicked up. “I won’t fall, my brother.” Casteel pulled him in for a tight, one-armed hug. “That, I can promise you.”
Exhaling raggedly, Kieran returned the embrace. Maybe I was just tired. I didn’t know, but I wanted to cry as I watched them, even though I wouldn’t let myself consider the possibility that they would not see each other again. That their bond could be severed. Kieran stepped back, looking at his father.
Jasper was already on his feet, moving to his son. “I’ve always been proud of you.” He curved a hand around the back of Kieran’s head. “I’ve always had confidence in you. I know we will see each other again.”
Kieran nodded, and as he pulled away from his father, I took a tentative step forward. “Kieran?”
He looked at me.
“Please…please try to be careful,” I said.
He lifted his brows. “Are you worried about me?”
Crossing my arms, I nodded.
“Don’t be nice to me,” he replied, and I sensed amusement from him. “It weirds me out.”
“Sorry.”
He smiled then as he walked to where I stood. “You don’t sound remotely sorry.”
I grinned at him.
“Do me a favor,” Kieran said, looking down at me. “Protect your Prince, Poppy.”
I didn’t see Casteel for the rest of the day.
After saying goodbye to Alastir, I returned to the room while he left to go and speak with the people of Spessa’s End. I’d started to ask to go with him, but upon remembering the townspeople’s reactions the night before, I realized I would only be a distraction. The kind that could prove deadly to the people of Spessa’s End if they were busy staring at me instead of listening to Casteel.
I’d expected him to return, not so much to finish our conversation since there were far more important things going on, but because he needed to sleep.
But the morning gave way to the afternoon, and Casteel still didn’t show. I didn’t stay in the room. I prepared.
Luckily, Vonetta had been near when I stepped out into the courtyard, and she was willing to indulge me in a training session. Handling a sword or a bow wasn’t a technique you forgot, but it was one that could become rusty with neglect.
Plus, she was a wolven, faster and stronger than a mortal, and fighting her would be a lot like fighting a knight. I needed the practice.
We drew a bit of a crowd, but Casteel was still with the people. According to Vonetta, he was helping to determine who could fight.
When I saw Casteel again, it was when Delano brought me to the small room off the dining room where dinner was spent discussing strategies. The fact that Casteel had thought to include me in the meeting didn’t go unnoticed by me or by anyone else in the room.
By the time night arrived, and I’d returned to the bedchamber, Casteel still hadn’t. I spent several hours nervously pacing and thinking about things—about everything that had happened before Casteel entered my life, and everything that had happened since. I thought about my gift—how it was changing, how I glowed like moonlight. And I thought about all that Casteel had said and what had been left unsaid.
I thought about how I was so damn tired of pretending.
At some point, after walking myself ragged, I finally fell asleep, dressed just in case the Ascended showed. I wasn’t even sure what woke me, but when I opened my eyes, the grayish light of dawn crept into the room, and Casteel was in the bed beside me, propped up against a mountain of pillows. His long legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, feet bare. His hands were loose in his lap. He was awake, looking at me.
“Are you watching me sleep?”
“Not now. I was a few minutes ago,” he admitted, one side of his lips curving up. “Now, I’m talking to you.”
“That’s creepy,” I murmured. “The watching me while I sleep part.”
“Possibly.”
“You have no shame.” I rolled onto my back.
He smiled faintly at that, but it didn’t reach his eyes—eyes that were tired.
“Have you slept at all?”
“Not yet.”
The mess that was my hair toppled over my shoulders as I sat up. “I know you’re this insanely powerful elemental, but you need to rest.”
That half-grin appeared, the dimple in his right cheek peeking. “Are you worried about me, Princess?”
I started to tell him no. To deny that I was because that was what I’d always done. It was the easiest—and the safest—but I was tired.
Of lying.
Of pretending.
That was something else I’d thought about as I stood on the Rise overnight after preparing myself for the inevitable. I thought about my future. Who
I used to be, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. And it was strange how revelations felt like they happened all of a sudden, but in reality, it took many small, almost indiscernible moments over the course of weeks, months, and years. Bottom line, I knew I didn’t want to be someone who hid anymore, whether behind a veil, to others, or to myself.
Just like I’d said at dinner, I hadn’t changed because of Casteel. I’d been in the process long before he came into my life, but he was a catalyst. Just like all those times I’d snuck out to explore, the books I’d been forbidden yet read, and when I smiled at the Duke, knowing I’d be punished later. Vikter’s death was also a turning point.
“I am,” I told him. “I am worried about you.”
Casteel stared at me, and I didn’t need to read him to know that my answer had shocked him.
“They’re going to come. The Ascended could be here by tonight. You need to sleep. To be rested.” I paused. “And maybe stop staring at me.”
“I…” He blinked, and then his body relaxed once more. “I will rest. We both will. But I need…we need to finish our conversation. It can’t wait.” His gaze returned to mine. “Not any longer.”
My heart kicked around in my chest as I leaned back against the pillows. “Where…where do we start?”
He laughed softly. “Gods, I think I know where to start. You asked if I have any shame? I do have some.” He looked over at me. “Almost all the shame I’ve ever felt has to do with you. I hated lying to you, Poppy. I hated that I was capable of planning to take you—to use you—without ever knowing you. That I even have that capability inside me. I can feel shame for that, but if given the chance to do it again, I would do it exactly the same.”
Casteel’s gaze flickered over my face. “I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to use everything I had to gain your trust. If it took pretty words and kisses and my body, I would’ve used them all. I would have done anything to free Malik.”
But he wouldn’t.
He didn’t.
“That’s what the night in the Red Pearl was about. When you asked me why I would kiss you? Why I stayed in the room with you? It was because I knew I could use that to my advantage. I feel shame for that, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.” He let his head fall back against the pillows, his gaze never leaving mine. “But I didn’t…I didn’t plan on actually enjoying your company. I didn’t plan on coming to look forward to talking to you. And I didn’t plan on the guilt that came with my actions. I didn’t plan on…well, I didn’t plan on caring about you.”
My breath snagged in my chest as a tremble coursed through me.
“I planned on taking you the night of the Rite. When I led you out to the garden. To the willow. Kieran and the others were waiting for us. I was going to take you then, while everyone else was busy, and before you even had an idea of what was happening.”
“But you didn’t.”
“If I had, you never would’ve witnessed Vikter’s death. You wouldn’t have seen any of that. Honest to gods, Poppy, I had no idea they were going to attack—”
“I know. I believe you.” And I did. His shoulders loosened. “Why didn’t you take me?”
“I don’t know.” His brows knitted. “No. That’s a lie. I didn’t take you then because I knew the moment I did, you would stop looking at me like…like I was just Hawke. You would stop opening up to me. Talking to me. Seeing me. You’d hate me. I wasn’t ready for that.”
I wasn’t ready for him to admit that.
He swallowed as his gaze lifted to the bed’s canopy. “When I touched you in the Blood Forest, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I…I wanted to be your first. I needed to be your first everything. Kiss. Touch. Pleasure.”
Oh, gods…
His jaw worked as he slowly shook his head. “Kieran…fuck, I thought he might actually punch me when he realized what I’d done. But he knew and…” Casteel cleared his throat. “The night in New Haven, when I came to your room, I didn’t plan that. I wanted it. Gods, did I ever. It was all I could think about it seemed, and damn if that wasn’t a fucking difference, but I didn’t plan to do that with you when you had no idea who I was.”
Pressure clamped down on my chest. “That’s why you didn’t want me to call you Hawke that night. I thought it was because that wasn’t technically your name.”
“It’s because you didn’t know who that name was attached to.” He dragged his teeth across his lip. “I should’ve walked out of that room. If I were a better man, I would’ve. I feel shame for that, but gods, I don’t regret it. How terrible is that?”
“I…” My throat sealed, and it took a bit for me to unclog it. “I hated that you weren’t honest with me then, but I don’t regret it. I never did.”
His gaze swung to mine. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me want to strip you naked and sink so deep in you that neither of us will know where we start and end.” His eyes flared an intense gold. “And then we’d never finish this conversation.”
“Oh,” I whispered, his words sending a heated wave through me. “Okay, then.”
The smile returned, but it was quick to disappear. “What I said that night still holds true. I’m not worthy of you. I knew that then. I know that still. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you. That hasn’t stopped me from concocting a plan where I can have you, if only until this is over. It didn’t stop me from wanting everything from you. From pretending that I could have everything, Poppy.”
I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing.
“And I know you’re probably still angry with me about wanting to leave, wanting you to go with Kieran, but I…” He closed his eyes. “After what was done to me and everything that happened afterward, I didn’t think I was capable of truly wanting or needing someone like I do you. I didn’t believe it was possible. And there have been so many times, too many times, that I’ve wanted this to be real.”
“What part did you want to be real?”
“All of it. That I had accepted my brother’s fate. That I was bringing home my wife, and that…there was this future I no longer believed I would have. That was all I could think about earlier. The idea of you being here when they came. I felt the fear already. When that bastard Ascended took you at New Haven? I thought I’d lost you.” He swallowed again. “And I know too much has happened for any of that to be real. I know I’ve hurt you. I know when you said you carried the guilt for my actions, you weren’t lying. And I’m…gods, Poppy, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve everything that I’ve laid at your feet, and you sure as hell don’t deserve the fact that I’m still trying to hold onto you. That when it comes time for you to leave, I’m still going to want you. Even when you inevitably do leave, I’ll still want you.”
He would’ve let you go, but I doubt you would’ve been free of him.
Isn’t that what Kieran had said?
“I don’t know what any of that means. I’ve long since stopped trying to figure it out.” His lashes lowered, shielding his gaze. “Can you tell me? Can you read me and tell me?”
In that moment, I couldn’t concentrate enough to read a book, but I knew what I needed from him. “Tell me about her.”
Casteel’s gaze met mine, and he looked…fractured as he looked away, returning to stare at his hands. He was silent for so long that I didn’t think he would speak. That he wouldn’t say anything, but then he answered.
“We…we grew up together—Shea and me. Our families were close, obviously, and we were friends at first. Somehow, at some point, it became something more. I don’t even know how or when, but I loved her. At least, I think that’s what I felt. She was brave and smart. Wild. I thought I would spend my entire life with her, and then I got myself captured, and she came for me.”
My heart sank and plummeted even further when he moved suddenly, rising from the bed.
I scooted to the edge of the bed as he walked over to the terrace doors. “What do you mean?”
“I mean they knew I was going to be freed that day. They knew that my brother—the true heir—was coming. An Atlantian older and stronger than me, and he was going to be within their reach.”
Understanding started to creep in, and I didn’t want it to be true. Oh, gods, I didn’t.
“There was a fight, and all I remember was Shea pulling me away—tugging me away from Malik, taking me through this maze of tunnels.” He exhaled roughly. “All she kept saying was that she was sorry. That she had no choice.”
I lifted my hands to my mouth, almost wishing he wouldn’t continue.
“One of the Ascended came after us, cornered us, and he…he told me everything. Taunted me with it. Shea had been caught when she and Malik had split up while looking for me. The Ascended were going to kill her, and she told them who she was with. She gave up my brother in exchange for her life.”
“Oh, gods,” I whispered, heart cracking as his pain reached out to me, mingling with my own.
“They thought she was going to leave me behind. That’s why they agreed. A two for one special.” He laughed, but it was harsh. “They weren’t prepared for Malik to put up such a fight. That was how Shea got me out. I didn’t believe the Ascended. I tried to protect her, and then she tried to barter again. My life for hers. And I…once it seeped through the haze, through the hunger, that she was the reason they had my brother instead of me, and that she would hand me over to them again, I lost it. I killed the Ascended. I killed her. With my bare hands. I don’t even know if it was panic that drove her actions. It had to be. She wasn’t a bad person, but it couldn’t have been love.”
A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire Page 52