Elsa remained silent. Since her spat with Carmella several nights before, she had been overwhelmed with pain and anger toward herself. She wasn’t used to Nancy pointing out her flaws; the woman had only ever demonstrated kindness and compassion toward her. Nancy more-or-less knew the entire story of Carmella and Elsa and still, she had found reason to demand they take a good, hard look at themselves and find a way to repair the cracks between them. What she had said continued to echo through Elsa’s mind: that if they weren’t strong enough to fight their hatred toward one another, the pain of it all would transfer down to the future generations in the family. She supposed Nancy knew this better than most, as so much of her own pain had fallen onto Janine’s shoulders. It would take years to mend what had begun so long before.
Nancy stood from her towel and stretched her arms toward the sky. Her maroon one-piece suit fit her trim frame beautifully. Elsa had helped her pick it out at a little boutique downtown during happier times, a few weeks before even Janine had arrived on the island. “I suppose it’ll be just us on the beach this summer,” Nancy had told Elsa at the time. “But I dare say, I’ll still look good out there.”
How wrong Nancy had been. They were surrounded with light and with love. Elsa tried to demand her heart to soak in every moment.
Nancy took baby Zachery in her arms and bobbed him playfully. She then sauntered down toward the waves and dipped herself in until the water swirled up around her knees. All the while, Zachery squealed joyously and gazed up at his step-grandmother with all the love in the world.
“It’s so cute how much that little boy loves Mom,” Janine commented. “Although I have to admit. I never imagined Nancy Grimson becoming the kind of woman who actually loved a life of domesticity. Look at her! She looks like a natural. It’s true that anyone can learn anything. We are such adaptable creatures.”
Mallory, Maggie, and Alyssa sprung up from their towels and headed over to the little beach-side cafe for wine slushies. This left Elsa and Janine alone. The pressing weight of the moment gave Elsa pause. There was somehow so much pressure; after all, she and Janine hardly spent any time together alone, and it wasn’t like Elsa didn’t stir with occasional resentment toward her.
Janine placed her hand on her own knee and stretched her fingers out wide. It seemed that she didn’t know what to say to Elsa, either. Out in the waves, Nancy twirled in circles, making Zachery screech.
“Do you mind if I ask you something, Elsa?”
Janine’s words yanked Elsa from her reverie. She blinked, then nodded, genuinely surprised. Maybe this was how they would find common ground. Maybe they just had to leap for it.
“All my life, I wanted a sister. Maggie and Alyssa have this incredible relationship. Sometimes, it’s like they don’t have to speak at all to be understood. Growing up, I had — well, Maxine. Maxine Aubert was my very best friend and my confidant. I guess you know what happened there.”
Elsa’s heart thudded with sorrow. “I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.”
It was true. Although loss and death had followed her around for decades, no one in Elsa’s life had ever wronged her. Nobody had ever double-crossed her. She just had bad luck. But luck had nothing to do with someone you loved digging a knife in your back. That was evil, pure and simple.
Janine shrugged. “It will probably take me years and years of therapy and prayer and conversation to fully get over the hurt Maxine caused. I’ve been given a tremendous gift, in that my mother opened up her arms to me. I really couldn’t have asked for anything more. She’s been my saving grace.
“But beyond that, since I arrived on the island, I’ve noticed that you and Carmella aren’t exactly the closest of sisters. In fact, if I hadn’t first seen Carmella at the house, I would have thought you two were more like strangers. Or even enemies.”
Elsa’s cheeks grew hot with the sudden influx of Janine’s words. She turned her eyes toward the beach, where she realized she’d dug through to the base of the cold, wet sand below with her pinky finger. She’d been so anxious; she hadn’t even noticed.
“It’s none of my business to ask, maybe, but what happened between the two of you?” Janine finally breathed.
Elsa buzzed her lips and continued to blink down at the sand. In all her years, she’d never had to fully explain the story of herself and Carmella. It had just been standard island gossip that the Remington sisters didn’t see eye to eye. They’d managed to work alongside one another for a number of years since Carmella had returned from her stint out west with her acupuncture certification, but they had done so with minimal conversation and communion in between.
“Carmella and I never really understood each other, I guess,” Elsa said.
“That sounds like a caged response.” Janine’s voice lilted the slightest bit.
Elsa laughed. “Because it is, I guess. Just something to say.”
“You really can tell me if you want to,” Janine assured her. “It’s not like I have anyone to tell.”
Elsa sucked in her cheeks. Down below, Zachery let out another squeal.
“Your mother hasn’t spoken to you about it very much?”
Janine shook her head. “Just in passing. Just said basically the same as you and also mentioned that you know, Neal hated the fact that you two couldn’t get along.”
“Dad and I were really close,” Elsa offered. Again, the cracks in her heart showed on the surface as tears sprung to her eyes. “Carmella and Dad fought quite a bit, same as me and Carm. But Dad loved her to pieces. He always wanted what was best for her. Sometimes, that meant crossing the line — like when he tried to buy her an apartment, or when he tried to set her up with a guy he’d met in Oak Bluffs, or when he tried to get her to sign up to therapy.”
“She didn’t want to go, I take it?”
Elsa eased a strand of hair behind her ear. “We were both resistant to it for different reasons. I just wanted to be strong all the time, for everyone. I guess I have a chip on my shoulder about it, although I’ve kind of lost that strength recently. I’ve felt myself waning. Like the light has gone out of my eyes.”
“That light is still there,” Janine murmured. “I promise you that.”
Elsa glanced up to find Janine’s warm, welcoming eyes.
“Our father married a woman when I was nineteen. A woman named Karen,” Elsa continued. “Carmella was sixteen and in the height of her teenage angst phase, you know? You can imagine Carmella in teenage angst.”
“Sometimes, it seems like she hasn’t grown out of it,” Janine said lightly.
“True.” Elsa realized a tear had rolled down her cheek as she spoke, and she swiped it away hurriedly. “Anyway, I was immediately wary of Karen and her agenda. She was uptight and volatile and I swear, I never saw her smile a genuine smile. I think Dad was lonely, and she came along hunting for his money. She spoke sweetly to him, and she doted on Carmella. Carmella was the only one in the house, and I think she wanted to sway her toward Karen’s side as some kind of weapon against my father. Carmella was so broken back then. So broken! And Karen thought if this young girl needs me, maybe Neal will keep me around longer. But ultimately, Karen built a wall between Carmella and me. Our already strained relationship became impossible. And then... I told Dad what was happening. I told him how Karen was behaving and how she was digging her heels into Carmella because I was really worried. But I was also spiteful and angry. Anyway, after that, Dad almost immediately kicked Karen out of the house and Carmella blamed me for everything.”
“Gosh. That sounds so awful and complicated,” Janine whispered.
“It really was,” Elsa returned. “On top of it all, Mallory had just been born as this all happened, and I had my hands full with Cole. I felt like I couldn’t really be there for Carmella anyway, to repair things the way I knew I needed to. By the time she got back from the southwest, she seemed like an entirely different woman — nobody I had ever met before. Only once did she say, ‘You know, Karen was
the only person who ever loved me for me.’ But after that, she dropped it for years. I could just feel her anger through her eyes, you know. She has never let go of that resentment.”
“I’ve noticed that her eyes almost hold some kind of darkness behind them, like a storm of pain. She looks so conflicted at times,” Janine affirmed. “You can’t really place what she’s thinking.”
“She’s always been that way,” Elsa said softly.
“Mom! We got you this.” Mallory dropped down to the towel to deliver a wine slushie.
Elsa gripped the chilly plastic cup and thanked Mallory. She could still feel the heaviness of Janine’s gaze as she studied her and dove through the events of the previous few years. When Mallory glanced up to begin another conversation with the arriving Maggie and Alyssa, Janine wrapped her hand around Elsa’s elbow and said, “Just one more thing.”
Elsa’s heart felt squeezed. They’d walked so far down memory lane that she could no longer see where they’d begun. “What is it?”
“I just think Carmella might be one of the loneliest people I’ve met in my life,” Janine said. “If you can find it within you to try to forgive her for everything — if you can find it within you to attempt to mend it, well.” She then flipped her hair behind her shoulders and let out a beautiful laugh, a laugh more like a song than anything else.
“But listen to me— giving you all this unsolicited advice. You’re not one of my patients. You’re my sister, too. And if you need anything, anything at all, then I’m here for you. I know it’s maybe too early to say this, but I love you. My mother loves you. And we have a whole lot to be grateful for. It’s just when I see Carmella I wonder if everything always has to be that way. You know?”
Nancy cast a shadow as she approached from the rushing waves. Zachery’s tired eyes seemed to have sunk deeper into his chunky face. He bobbed an arm and let out a small cry as Mallory hopped up and wrapped her arms around him and held him off to the left of her torso. Deep in the distance, a twin set of sailboats chased one another in frantic circles. Somehow, the ocean felt immense from their stance on the beach as it belled out and became unfathomably deep, filled with unknowable secrets and long-lost histories.
Elsa had always known this about the ocean. And yet, she had also felt that her own soul was similar: that the hugeness of her love for her family was akin to the ocean. She simply couldn’t see the bottom. Carmella, perhaps, was her ocean’s hurricane.
Chapter Eighteen
ELSA FELT JUST LIKE those younger women that were at the bar the other day: eager to please and the tiniest bit frantic, as she leaned closer to the rearview mirror and drew a delicate black line from one corner of her eye to the other. She had a meeting at the Susan Sheridan law office in fifteen minutes, and for reasons she couldn’t fully comprehend, she had decided to splash on the tiniest amount of perfume and purchase a new sharp, black eyeliner pencil from CVS en route. Probably, those young women would have told her she was dismal at putting on eyeliner. They probably would have been right.
Ah, but she didn’t look so bad. She puffed out her cheeks and assessed her work, then blinked down at the outfit she’d chosen for the meeting. It was a button-down pink blouse with the sweetest and tenderest of buttons, round and vintage, along with a pair of dark jeans, which Mallory had spotted as Elsa had hustled through the living room, hunting for her keys. “They make your butt look amazing, Mom,” Mallory had said. “Shush, you,” Elsa had returned, as her cheeks had flashed what had probably been the brightest shade of crimson.
Elsa hadn’t told Mallory where she was off to. Still, nobody knew about the lawsuit. Aiden’s name was safe; and how handsome her lawyer was remained a secret. The slight attraction was probably just a fantasy somewhere in the back of her mind. It had no value in the real world at all.
Minutes later, Elsa found herself again in the foyer of the Sheridan law office. She clasped her hands over her lap as Amanda Harris informed her Bruce would be available shortly. Amanda then returned to her notepad and furrowed her brow. At that moment, a young, handsome man in his mid-twenties burst into the office. Amanda blinked up as a wide smile crested her lips. In his outstretched hand, the man held a plate of brownies and croissants.
“You didn’t!” Amanda cried.
“Oh, but I did.”
“I told you that I couldn’t eat all those sweets during the day anymore.”
“And I told you, Miss Harris, that you deserve all the sweetness in the world.” The man placed the platter before Amanda, as Amanda’s eyes remained latched to his.
“Sam...” Even as she protested, Elsa could sense the love that emanated from her eyes.
Elsa wondered who this young man was. She wondered what was in store for these young people.
But more than that, as she witnessed their beautiful flirtation, she was cast back to her own memories — ones between her and Aiden and their courtship. That had been the time for joy, for light, for hope.
And this — this time of silly eyeliner and butterflies in her stomach? Wasn’t it foolish of her?
Oh, but then, Bruce drew open the door of his office. He stood in the doorway and beamed out across the space between them. When his eyes found hers, Elsa was reminded of the afternoon when he’d discovered her cast back on the trail, her head screaming with pain. She had read somewhere that women always latched to people emotionally when they’d saved them. She thought maybe it was a hormonal thing.
But she didn’t care. Not then.
“Mrs. Steel. Hello,” Bruce greeted her.
Elsa’s heart sank the slightest bit. Perhaps he wanted to maintain some sense of professionalism in front of Amanda and her handsome friend? Or maybe, he thought nothing of her at all.
“Mr. Holland,” she replied with a wide smile. “Good to see you.”
Elsa followed Bruce into his office and sat in the seat across from his. Aiden’s box of files remained in the corner of the office, on top of a large wardrobe. Elsa was fully aware of the time and commitment it must have taken Bruce to analyze each of the pages within.
As Bruce sat, Elsa found her voice.
“Thank you again for the other day.”
Bruce bowed his head as a playful smile snuck across his face. “It was my pleasure. It’s not every day that a man is allowed to literally save someone.”
Elsa felt the sudden desire to tease him. “Guess it boosted your ego?”
“Oh yes. Thank you for that.”
Bruce held her gaze for a long moment and then dropped it down to the manila folder before him. “I’ve gone through a number of Aiden’s client cases so far.”
“Including the one with Carlson Montague?”
Bruce clucked his tongue. “There are a number of files missing when it comes to that case. It’s peculiar, as Aiden was really organized when it came to his business.”
Elsa’s heart pounded louder. “Doesn’t that mean there’s something really odd going on?”
“It’s difficult to prove any of that, unfortunately,” Bruce said. His smile faltered even more.
“But you must be able to speak with this Carlson guy or his lawyer? I mean, if you saw him, you’d know that there’s something really strange about him. He’s spreading misinformation. And he — well...”
Elsa furrowed her brow at the memory of those girls from the other night at the bar. Bruce leaned tighter across the desk. With him came the pleasant rush of his cologne.
“What is it? Anything you can give me might be of help, Elsa. Really. I know you’ve been a part of this community for a long time. If you can think of anything at all, it will help.”
“Well, I met my son at one of the local bars that these men frequent the other night.” Elsa’s heart now threatened to bang out of her ribcage. She felt reckless. “Because I wanted to just see what these men were like, you know when their tongues were looser.”
Bruce arched a thick eyebrow. “I see. You wanted to spy on them.”
“Something l
ike that. But I was nervous and I wasn’t sure if they would recognize me. But then I noticed that they had these three women with them— very young women in their early twenties.”
“Not so strange for rich men in the sailing community, right? They like their arm candy.”
“No. I guess not.” Elsa felt a wave of shame come over her, but she pushed herself forward. “I followed the girls into the bathroom.”
“Wow. You really have nerves of steel.”
“No. I don’t know. I was just really curious and you know how girls are in the bathroom.”
“Not really,” Bruce said with a laugh. “You hear stories.”
“Well, things are a little more chummy, let’s put it that way. And suddenly, the girls were telling me that they work as... what was that word? Escorts?”
Bruce raised his eyebrows still higher. “Still, not so surprising for this world, right?”
“No. I guess not. But, they said that these guys bring them everywhere, that they pay for everything, including their apartment in the city and their trips abroad and well everything. It’s more like —”
“Sugar daddies,” Bruce said finally. “I’ve heard about this, too. I think it means there’s a definite emotional element at play, which means that maybe these guys are more open about their personal lives.”
“Exactly.” Elsa snapped as she swept toward the front of her chair with excitement. “And one of the girls — the red-haired one, although I guess that means nothing to you.”
“Not to me. I’m no police officer,” Bruce returned.
“Right. But she mentioned stuff about offshore accounts and illegal dealings. And she really insinuated that these men didn’t want anything from them other than companionship. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that men like this always expected more.”
“They certainly find ways to move on,” Bruce agreed. He then reached for his pen and clacked the end of it with a wayward thumb, lost in thought. “This is interesting. I mean, but it doesn’t really mean anything, does it?”
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