LordKrishnafrombirthduetothebluenessofherskinwas,tosome,anindicationof
her great affinity to him later in her life. Disparaged and mistreated by her parents, Ammachi was put in the role of the family servant. Even at a young age, she was unable to contain her bliss and her adoration of Krishna. Her embodiment of the playful Krishna amazed the local villagers. Her fame spread rapidly to the nearby communities,andsoondevoteeswerecomingbythehundredsforherblessings.
As time evolved, Ammachi developed an ever-greater identification with the
Divine Mother. A small, dark, round, smiling woman, garbed in a white sari,
Ammachiisnowknownthroughouttheworldastheepitomeofmotherlylove.Sheis
lovedandworshipedforhercompassion,passionatesingingtoGod,andfortirelessly
enfoldinginhermotherlyarms,onebyone,asmanyasthousandsofdevoteesforup
toeighthoursatatime.
Ammachi demonstrates apparently limitless endurance and spiritual ecstasy. One
NewYear'sEve,atanewtempleshewasconsecratingataholysiteinKerala,she
presided over a special puja (spiritual ceremony of offering) to the Divine Mother.
Eachparticipantinthelargegroupceremonyprayed,chanted,andlitabutterlamp
over a small individual clay waterpot as an offering to the Mother of the karma of eachwhoattended.Whilelampswerewavedandbellsclangedloudly,Ammachi,in
spiritualbliss,danced,sang,prayed,andpouredthewaterfromeachofmorethana
thousandpersonalpotsoverthestatueofthedeityforhours.Theairliterallycrackled withthespiritualpowerofblessingunleashedbythesaint.Thisenergythatemanates
fromAmmachiisthe shakti,orDivineFeminineforce.
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MATAAMRITANANDAMAYI(AMMACHI)
Whetherdevoteeshavethemostlovingparentsintheworldorwereraiseddevoid
of nurturing and care, they are sure to feel profoundly loved after being blessed by Ammachi. A murmured blessing and a Hershey's Kiss enhance the feeling of a
personalrelationshipwiththeDivineMother.Shealsooffersaremarkable darshan
(seeingthemaster)calledDeviBhava,inwhichshedresseslikeaMaharani(Indian
queen)andincarnatesakindofregal,Divine-Motherpresencethatisquitepalpable.
Whiledevoteeschant bhajans,Indianspiritualsongs,sheblessesvisitorsthroughout thenightuntileveryonehasreceivedthegraceoftheDivine.
Now,alargeashramhasgrownupamidtheseaofpalmtreesandthecollectionof
smallhutswhereshewasborn.Ammachihasalsoestablishedanorphanage,hospital,
and other service projects to serve the poor throughout India. Wherever she is, whether in the ashram or while traveling the world, people come to Ammachi to enhancethatloveconnectiontotheInfiniteMotherinhumanform.
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EMBRACEDBYTHEDIVINEMOTHER
SUDHAMANI'S(MataAmritanandamayi's)anguishreachedapinnacle.Herprayershad
beensaid.Inherownwords,
Eachandeveryporeofmybodywaswide-openwithyearning,eachatomofmy
bodywasvibratingwiththesacredmantra,myentirebeingwasrushingtowards
theDivineMotherinatorrentialstream….
Inunspeakableagonyshecriedout,
O Mother … here is Your child about to die drowning in unfathomable
distress…. This heart is breaking…. These limbs are faltering…. I am
convulsing like a fish thrown on shore…. O Mother. You have no kindness
towards me…. I have nothing left to offer You except the last breath of my life….
Her voice became choked. Her breathing completely stopped. Sudhamani fell
unconscious.TheWilloftheMotherdesignatesthemoment.TheDivineEnchantress
of the Universe, the Omniscient, the Omnipresent, the Omnipotent Being, the
Ancient,PrimalCreatrix,theDivineMother,appearedbeforeSudhamaniinaliving
form dazzling like a million suns. Sudhamani's heart overflowed in a tidal wave of unspeakable Love and Bliss. The Divine Mother benignly smiled and, becoming a PureEffulgence,mergedinSudhamani.
What followed is best described in Sudhamani's own composition “Ananda
Veethi” or “The Path of Bliss,” wherein she has tried to make intelligible that mysticalunionwhichisbeyondmindorintellect.
Onceuponatime,mysoulwasdancing
IndelightthroughthePathofBliss.
Atthattime,alltheinnerfoessuchas
Attractionandaversionranawayhiding
Themselvesintheinnermostrecessesofmymind.
Forgettingmyself,Imergedinagoldendream
Whicharosewithinme.Asnobleaspirations
Clearlymanifestedthemselvesinmymind,
TheDivineMother,withbright,gentlehands,
Caressedmyhead.Withbowedhead,Itold
MotherthatmylifeisdedicatedtoHer.
Smiling,ShebecameaDivineEffulgence
Andmergedinme.Mymindblossomed,
Bathedinthemany-huedLightofDivinity
Andtheeventsofmillionsofyearsgoneby
Roseupwithinme.Thenceforth,
217
SeeingnothingasapartfrommyownSelf
AsingleUnity,andmergingintheDivineMother,
Irenouncedallsenseofenjoyment.
Mothertoldmetoaskthepeople
Tofulfilltheirhumanbirth.
Therefore,Iproclaimtothewholeworld
ThesublimeTruththatSheuttered,
“Ohman,mergeinyourSelf!”
Thousandsandthousandsofyogis
HavetakenbirthinIndiaand
Livedtheprinciplesvisualizedbythe
GreatSagesoftheunknownpast.
Toremovethesorrowofhumanity,
Howmanynakedtruthsarethere!
TodayItremblewithbliss
RecollectingMother'swords,
“Ohmydarling,cometoMe
Leavingallotherworks.
YouarealwaysMine.”
OPureConsciousness,
OEmbodimentofTruth,
IwillheedYourwords
OMother,whyareYoulateincoming?
WhydidYougivethisbirth?
Iknownothing,OMother,
Pleaseforgivemymistakes.
At this point Sudhamani developed a strong aversion toward everything. She
would dig big holes to hide herself in so as to escape from the diverse world and sensuous-mindedpeople.ShespentherdaysandnightsenjoyingtheperennialBliss
of God-realization and avoided all human company. If anyone had considered her mad before, they would stand firmly convinced of her insanity now. Who among thesefisherfolkcouldconceiveoftheplaneofconsciousnessinwhichthelittleone
was established? Though internally, Sudhamani had crossed the threshold into the Absolute, externally she was the same crazy Sudhamani who was possessed three nightsaweekbyKrishnaasfarasthefamilyandvillagerswereconcerned.Theonly
recent change, if they had noticed any at all, was that instead of rolling in the sand shewasnowdiggingbigholes.
218
OnedaySudhamaniheardavoicefromwithinhersay,
“Mychild,Idwellintheheartofallbeingsandhavenofixedabode.Yourbirthis
notformerelyenjoyingtheunalloyedBlissoftheSelfbutforcomfortingsuffering
humanity.HenceforthworshipMeintheheartsofallbeingsandrelievethemofthe
sufferingsofworldlyexistence….”
It was after this inner call that Sudhamani started manifesting Devi Bhava, the Mood of the Divine Mother, in addition to the Krishna Bhava. At these times she revealedherincessantonenesswiththeDivineMother….
“From that day onwards I could see nothing as different from my own Formless Selfwhereintheentireuniverseexistsasatinybubble….”
From MataAmritanandamayibySwamiAmritatmaChaitanya.
219
THIRTY-THREE
SUZANNESEGAL
1955-1977,UNITEDSTATES
ONEDAYatabusstopinParis,SuzanneSegal,twenty-sevenyearsoldandpregnant,
losthersenseofpersonalidentity.“Iliftedmyrightfoottostepupintothebusand collided head-on with an invisible force that entered my awareness like a silently explodingstickofdynamite,blowingthedoorofmyusualconsciousnessopenand
off its hinges, splitting me in two. In the gaping space that appeared, what I had previouslycalled‘me’wasforcefullypushedoutofitsusuallocationinsidemeintoa
newlocationthatwasapproximatelyafootbehindandtotheleftofmyhead.‘I’was
nowbehindmybodylookingoutattheworldwithoutusingthebody'seyes.”
ThiswasSuzanne's“collisionwiththeinfinite.”Terrified,shewasamazedtofind
that her body kept on living and functioning relatively normally. Initially she witnesseditsactions.Eventuallyeventhesenseofwitnessingwaslost,andshecould
no longer locate any sense of a personal self inside. Despite her previous spiritual training,thelossterrifiedherfortenyears.EventuallySuzannesoughthelpthrough
correspondence and personal contact from a number of therapists and spiritual
teachersfromtheBuddhistandHindutraditions,aswellasfromthewrittenteachings
of Ramana Maharshi. A number of well-respected spiritual adepts assured Suzanne that her experience was genuine and that she had attained liberation. Once she was abletoperceivethefearasnodifferentfromtheemptiness,itdisappeared.
Atthistime,Suzannepublishedherbook, CollisionwiththeInfinite,andbecamea spiritualteacherandtherapistintheSanFranciscoBayArea.Thisnewcareerwasto
be short-lived. Suzanne's realization became unstable and she plunged into self-doubt.Shebegantoexperiencedisorientation,vertigo,anddeterioratinghealth,and
attheageofforty-twowasdiagnosedwitharapidlyprogressivebraintumor.Within
twomonthsshewasdead.
220
SUZANNESEGAL
The process of enlightenment is not always pure bliss. Suzanne's life is a
demonstration of the agony and ecstasy, terror and tenuousness, vacillation and vastnessthatmaybeapartoftheexperienceofawakening.
ManyfoundSuzanne'sdeathunsettling,asifherlifehadendedbeforeherjourney
wascomplete.Someattributedherenlightenmentexperiencestotheorganicchanges
withinherbrain,yetthefast-growingtumorwasdiscoveredagoodtwelveyearsafter
her profound transformation began. For those that believe in the purposefulness of lifeanddeath,thetimingwasnotinerror.Evenifherrealizationwerelostatthevery end of her life, it does not minimize the depth of her search, unfoldment, and realization. Suzanne Segal's “collision with the infinite” remains a valuable and educational experience of a modern woman growing past her fear into bliss,
alternatelystrugglingwithanddiscoveringananswertotheancientquestion,“Who
amI?”
Suzanne Segal's selection comes from her account of her spiritual experiences, 221
CollisionwiththeInfinite.
222
COLLISIONWITHTHEINFINITE
ITWASINthespringtimethatithappened.Iwasreturninghometomyapartmenton
the Left Bank after attending a class for pregnant women at the clinic across town whereIwouldbehavingmybabysixmonthsfromthen.Itwasthefirstweekofmy
fourth month of pregnancy, and I had just begun to feel the faintest stirring of my daughter's tiny movements, like being brushed by a feather from the inside. The monthwasMay,andthesunfeltwarmonmyheadandfaceasIstoodatthebusstop
ontheAvenuedelaGrandeArmee.Iwasinnohurryandhaddecidedtotakeabus
insteadofthemetroinordertoenjoythelovelyweather.
Several buses came and went before I finally saw the number 37 approaching
down the wide avenue. Six or seven of us were waiting together at the stop, exchangingpleasantriesabouttheweatherandcommentsaboutthenewadvertising
campaign that had been appearing on all the billboards. As the bus approached, we congregatedexpectantlynearthecurb.Thebuslumberedtoahalt,expellingtheacrid
odorofexhaustfumesandhotrubberintothewarmspringair.
AsItookmyplaceinline.Isuddenlyfeltmyearsstopupliketheydowhenthe
pressure changes inside an airplane as it makes its descent. I felt cut off from the scenebeforeme,asifIwereenclosedinabubble,unabletoactinanybutthemost
mechanicalmanner.Iliftedmyrightfoottostepupintothebusandcollidedhead-on
with an invisible force that entered my awareness like a silently exploding stick of dynamite, blowing the door of my usual consciousness open and off its hinges, splittingmeintwo.Inthegapingspacethatappeared,whatIhadpreviouslycalled
“me” was forcefully pushed out of its usual location inside me into a new location thatwasapproximatelyafootbehindandtotheleftofmyhead.“I”wasnowbehind
mybodylookingoutattheworldwithoutusingthebody'seyes.
From a non-localized position somewhere behind and to the left, I could see my bodyinfrontandveryfaraway.Allthebody'ssignalsseemedtotakealongtimeto
bepickedupinthisnon-localizedplace,asiftheywerelightcomingfromadistant
star.Terrified,Ilookedaround,wonderingifanyoneelsehadnoticedsomething.All
theotherpassengerswerecalmlytakingtheirseats,andthebusdriverwasmotioning
metoputmyyellowticketintothemachinesowecouldbeoff.
Ishookmyheadafewtimes,hopingtorattlemyconsciousnessbackintoplace,
butnothingchanged.Ifeltfromafarasmyfingersfumbledtoinserttheticketinto
theslotandIwalkeddowntheaisletofindaseat.Isatdownnexttoanolderwoman
Ihadbeenchattingwithatthebusstop,andItriedtocontinueourconversation.My
mind had completely ground to a halt in the shock of the abrupt collision with whateverhaddislodgedmypreviousreality.
Althoughmyvoicecontinuedspeakingcoherently,Ifeltcompletelydisconnected
fromit.Thefaceofthewomannexttomeseemedfaraway,andtheairbetweenus
seemed foggy, as if filled with a thick, luminous soup. She turned to gaze out the windowforamoment,thenreacheduptopullthecordtosignalthedrivertolether
offatthenextstop.Whensherose,Islidoverintoherseatbythewindowandbid
hergoodbyewithasmile.Icouldfeelsweatrollingdownmyarmsandbeadingupon
myface.Iwasterrified.
223
The bus arrived at my stop on the rue Lecourbe, and I got off. As I walked the threeblockshome,Iattemptedtopullmyselfbackintoonepie
cebyfocusingonmy
bodyandwillingmyselfbackintoitwhereIthoughtIbelongedinordertoregainthe
previouslynormalsensationofseeingthroughthebody'seyes,speakingthroughthe
body'smouth,andhearingthroughthebody'sears.Theforceofwillfailedmiserably.
Instead of experiencing through the physical senses, I was now bobbing behind the body like a buoy on the sea. Cut loose from sensory solidity, separated from and witnessing the body from a vast distance, I moved down the street like a cloud of awarenessfollowingabodythatseemedsimultaneouslyfamiliarandforeign.There
was an incomprehensible attachment to that body, although it no longer felt like
“mine.”Itcontinuedtosendoutsignalsofitssensoryperceptions,yethoworwhere
thosesignalswerebeingreceivedwasbeyondcomprehension.
Incapableofmakingsenseofthisstate,themindalternatedbetweenracingwildly
inanattempttoput“me”backtogetherandshuttingdowncompletely,leavingonly
the empty humming of space reverberating in the ears. The witness was absolutely distinct from the mind, the body, and the emotions, and the position it held, behind and to the left of the head, remained constant. The profound distance between the witnessandthemind,body,andemotionsseemedtoelicitpanicinandofitself,due
to the sensation of being so tenuously tethered to physical existence. In this witnessingstate,physicalexistencewasexperiencedtobeonthevergeofdissolution,
and it (the physical) responded by summoning an annihilation fear of monumental proportions.
AsIwalkedintomyapartment,Claudelookedupfromhisbooktogreetmeand
ask how my day had been. The terror was not immediately apparent to him, which seemedoddlyreassuring.Igreetedhimcalmlyasifnothingwerewrong,tellinghim
about the class at the clinic and showing him the new book I had purchased at the Americanbookstoreonmywayhome.Therewasnoconceivablewaytoexplainany
of this to him, so I didn't even try. The terror was escalating rapidly, and the body was panic stricken, sweat pouring in rivulets down its sides, hands cold and trembling,heartpumpingfuriously.Themindclickedintosurvivalmodeandstarted
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