by Lizzie Fox
But letting him go just was not an option. Not now, not ever.
A bright flash of lightning lit up the sky around us, and Seth slowed down. Slightly. The rain started to pick up, falling in a light sheet instead of sporadically. “Dammit, Seth… just pull over! Stop this shit!”
He ran his hand through his hair, brushing the damp strands out of his eyes, and hit another burst of speed. I didn’t know how he was doing it, with the rain pelting him in the face and probably his eyes. It had to hurt or at least be damned uncomfortable. How could he see?
“Dammit!” I surged ahead, and flashed my lights at him repeatedly. I rolled down my window and started to shout out the window.
“Goddamn you slow the fuck down!” I wasn’t sure if I could be heard, but he looked quickly over his shoulder. Another crash of thunder and flash of light rang out. “Pull over! Come on!”
He waved over his shoulder again, as the rain started pelting down harder, and he began to struggle to stay upright at the high speeds, and mercifully he began to slow down.
“Thank you thank you thank you…”
Suddenly his speed dropped severely and I had to slam on my brakes and downshift quickly to match the sudden dip in speed. His bike skidded on the road before he finally pulled off onto the gravel shoulder, and slowed to a near stop.
Thank god….
I came to a stop behind him, pulling over and leaving my headlights on, engine running as the sky finally opened up and released its deluge.
Seth kicked the kickstand down with a booted foot, slid off the bike, and began to start towards me. He was yelling loudly, and looking furious but I couldn’t hear him clearly over the noise of the Challenger’s engine and the rumble of thunder.
Despite the fact that it was pouring, I got out of the car myself, and stalked towards him, painfully aware that I wasn’t even wearing shoes as the gravel road stabbed at the bottoms of my feet.
“What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?” Seth demanded angrily, shaking a furious fist at me.
“No, but are you?” I demanded with just as much fury. I swiped the hair that had fallen out of its messy updo out of my eyes as we stormed the remaining distance between each other. “You fucking dick, what the fuck are you thinking?” The second I was near enough, I gave him a rough shove with both hands. That only seemed to rile him up more. His eyes were narrow as slits, mouth pressed together in a thin, angry line.
“Why are you following me? Huh? Can’t you just let me—”
“—No I can’t ‘just let you’! If you’re going to kill yourself, you’re going to have to be okay with taking me with you. This car can follow that bike easily. I’ll follow you off the fucking map if I have to! Do you hear me, fucking Seth Archer? Why are you trying to run away, huh?”
“I…” His voice began as a shout, but he appeared momentarily confused as a rumble of thunder interrupted my rage.
“Well get this right, if you run, I run too. Got it? You are not getting rid of me that easily!” I yelled as loudly as I could, with as much force as I could, poking him in the bare arm. “Stop this bullshit! Stop trying to kill yourself just because—what? You couldn’t write a few songs? Big fucking deal. You think you look like your dad? You’re nothing like him, you know that?”
Seth opened his mouth to speak, but jumped again as a flash of lightning streaked out nearby us, the thunder so loud it shook the ground underneath us.
“I am like him!” He insisted. “I’m just like him!”
“No, you’re not! He’s an asshole! A soulless, life-sucking demon who is unbalanced and just—wrong! Seriously! You’re nothing like him! Except for now, you’ve been amazing in every fucking way! Jesus Christ, Seth! If you were like that bastard do you think I could possibly love you as much as I do? Huh?” I was yelling, my body tight with heat and anger when my eyes widened as I realized what I just said.
He flinched. “You—what?”
“You heard me!” I knew the second I said it, I meant it. “And this time if someone else I love is going to be taken from me, I’m damn well going with. I’m not going to be left behind—not again! So hop on your bike, Seth! Let’s go! I’m right behind your ass! Let’s just make our deaths quick, okay?”
Thunder boomed, enhancing the uncomfortable silence between us. We were both soaked from head to toe, and even though it was cold, my flesh was still heated with rage.
“Well? What’s it going to be?” I demanded.
Seth’s gaze tracked downward as his body began to slump. He threaded his fingers into his wet hair, and grabbed, letting out a loud scream.
Finally, after a moment, he looked up. “You’re not wearing shoes.” His voice had softened, and his entire demeanor had changed as he reached for me, setting a hand on the side of my arm, and cautiously bringing the other to my face—the one that had been covered with a towel that now was unwrapped and had fallen to the ground—pushing strands of stringy wet hair over my ears and his own blood dripping down his arm.
“No, I was in a hurry. They’re in there, though,” I answered back after a breath to calm myself down. As the rage began to seep out of me, I started to cool down and began to shiver.
“Fuck, Jessie.” He glanced back at the bike, and then at me. His eyes moistened with tears. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry. What have I done?”
I set my hands on his bare stomach, smoothing them over his wet abs, breathing outwardly as his chest heaved and fell rapidly. He was still breathing. He was here.
He stopped before he died.
“You scared me shitless, that’s what you did,” I replied back in a small voice—as small as I could have done to be heard over the car and the storm.
“Jessie…fuck…” He grabbed my face in his hands, searching me with those eyes, full of tears and troubled emotion. “I’m so sorry. I…” He cut himself off, as he trembled and suddenly fell to his knees, wrapping himself around my waist and burying his face in my stomach and wet shirt.
And then he cried openly and sobbed. I wrapped my arms and hands around his head and held him against me as he trembled with despair. “I’m sorry, Jessie…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you…”
We stood there, in the rain and storms, letting the rain pour down in sheets, soaking us to the bone. The blood on my hands and clothing began to wash away. He tried to tie the towel back around his hand tightly, and I helped him.
“Did you mean it?” He finally asked, looking up at me with pleading eyes.
I cocked a brow, as I ran my hands through his hair, pushing it out of his forehead and eyes. “Mean what?”
“You… said you loved me.” He swallowed thickly, his teeth gently starting to chatter. He must have been freezing, or maybe it was nerves.
I softened. “Yes. I did. I meant it. I do love you.”
“No one’s ever said that to me before.”
I didn’t say anything to that heart-breaking statement, I just continued to stroke his wet hair. He tightened his arms around my waist, pulling me closer briefly before he finally stood. “I love you, too.”
I grinned gently from the side of my mouth. “Good. Now will you stop trying to kill yourself?”
Wiping his eyes with the back of his non-injured hand, he laughed gently. “Yeah…my god Jessie, I’m so sorry. I just, I—”
“We’ll talk later. Let’s get out of the rain!” I tried to pull on him but before I could budge, he slid his hand over my cheek and bent his head to mine, catching my mouth against his, kissing me cautiously at first. I opened to allow him in, to deepen it, he intensified it until I shivered—and not just because of the cold.
When we parted, he eyed my face inquisitively. “You were really going to keep going, weren’t you? That wasn’t a bluff.”
I shook my head. “No it wasn’t. If you’re going to hell, I’m going too. You cannot leave me here alone—not again. I…”
He pressed a finger to my lips. “Never again. I swear. I…”
“What about the bike?” He asked, as I got in the driver’s side, shutting the door.
“Anthony and Shane are on their way with a trailer. Or someone is. They’ll bring it home.”
He nodded carefully. “God, what was I thinking?” He raked a hand across his face as he groaned loudly. “I can’t—”
“—Shhh. It’s okay. You’re fine now, and so am I. Just cold,” I said, my hand shaking as I turned the heat on full blast. Seth’s lips were practically blue, and he shuddered violently in his seat.
I reached for the blankets I had shoved in the backseat; I’d used them when I moved to help prevent some of my valuables from shifting around, but now I was glad I left them.
“Here…” I took one, and draped it over him, and he clutched it with his good hand in front. I flinched, eyeing his cut-up hand that was soaking the towel through with blood. “Shit…” I glanced around for something—anything dry.
“I’m fine, Jess. Just…” He took the blanket from my lap and motioned for me to sit forward, towards him. “This isn’t going to do a whole lot of good in that wet shirt.”
“Good point.” I stripped off the sweatshirt and t-shirt I was wearing, and flung them in back. Thankfully I still wore a bra, and I allowed him to drape the blanket over my front. Between that, the heat, and him curling up against my side over the console I finally felt satisfied, even with the rumbling thunder and bright lightning around us.
“Jessalie?” He asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.
“Hmm?”
“I really, really am sorry. The crap with my dad just… sent me off the deep end. When I saw him put his hand on you, I thought I was going to explode,” he said, with a quiet shame.
I tipped my head until my cheek rest on his. “I know, baby. I know…”
“You know…” He looked up at me warily. “The night my sister was hurt, it was during a thunderstorm.”
I bit my lip. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. He… came in to tell me to shut up—just not that nice,” he added reproachfully, “and my sister must have been listening, because she came in to try to stop him from…”
My face fell. “From hurting you?”
He nodded. “He flung her aside and she fell and never quite woke up.”
“I’m so sorry, Seth. But you know—you’re not him.”
“I look like him, though. I see it in the mirror every day—his face.”
Sighing, I tipped my gaze until it met his. “I don’t see it. I don’t see him. I just see you, and you’re…everything. You’re gorgeous, you’re sexy, you’re amazing. Especially your eyes.”
He balked. “My eyes?”
I nodded. “Yeah. They’re like…warm honey. They soothe me when I look at them just like honey would. You know, warm honey when you’re sick? And you drink it down with some tea and all of a sudden you feel warm and tingly inside? Just like that.” I smiled gently at him.
“I always thought…” he began confused.
“You’re nothing like him, I meant that.”
“I hope not…”
“You’re not.”
He exhaled slowly. “I tried to kill him that night. I ripped off a gun from my friend’s house, and pointed it at him, and told him to get the fuck out of the house, and never come back. And, he didn’t. I was twelve.”
I draped my arm over his shoulders, but let his words fall into a peaceable silence.
“Jess?”
“What?”
“Are we okay? Really?”
I brushed my lips across his forehead. “Yeah, Seth. We’re okay. I promise.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, his gaze tracking down. I watched his brow arch, as he reached his hand out, fingering something under the console. “Huh. That’s weird. I swear I didn’t see this here before.” He turned his palm upward, revealing a shiny, silver quarter. Again. Just like the first time we met, a year ago.
No…
“What…” I held out my hand and he placed it in my palm, my eyes widened, reading the date. “1984…holy…” I clutched it and brought it close to my heart, closing my eyes momentarily.
“What are you thinking, Jess?” He asked, with quiet curiosity. “You aren’t thinking…”
“I’m not sure what I’m thinking. But… it’s a damn strange coincidence.” My eyes opened, and I took the coin in between my thumb and pointer finger. “You realize this is the second time you have handed me a quarter? With the same year on it?”
He arched a brow. “1984?” I nodded. “Is that—”
“—the year Blake was born, yes.”
His eyes widened, and he sat back, confused. “Damn…what do you think it means? You think it’s his blessing, or…?”
“I’m not sure. Anything is possible I suppose but… maybe it doesn’t matter. It just matters that I’m here, you’re here and we’re… together. Right?” I asked him expectantly.
“Good. Because I don’t think I could live without you. Not ever.”
My gaze fixated on him sternly as I pulled away far enough just to look in his face at his vulnerable expression. “Don’t say things like that if you don’t mean it. Just… don’t.”
He shifted until he faced me completely, the blanket falling from his shoulders; those honey eyes regarding me with such vulnerability and… something I couldn’t place. “I do mean it. No one has ever—ever—stuck their neck out for me like this. And I don’t think anyone else ever will. You’re one of a kind, Jessie. You really are.” He reached and took one of my freezing hands in his and brought it to his chest, resting just over his heart. It slammed against his ribcage, and his skin was surprisingly warm…flushed. “Be with me forever, Jessie-love. Marry me.”
38
Seth
The words were out of my mouth before I registered what I was saying, but the moment they were spoken, I knew they were exactly what I wanted to say.
I don’t know what I really expected from Jessie. I mean… I basically just tried to kill myself. My mind started playing tricks on me, and my “father’s” reappearance when I already was feeling like a total fucking washout and failure was just an extra reminder at the darkness contained in my soul, and in my heart.
I wasn’t actually trying to die, but I was running from the pain. Running towards something—something I didn’t even know—to make it better. To push it away. To remind me that I was not my father.
I was not Jeff Palladino. I’d made sure of that. I even dropped his last name the second I turned eighteen, and took my mother’s. She wasn’t much better, but at least she wasn’t inherently evil like he was. Perhaps if she hadn’t gotten mixed up with him or pushed him away like she wasn’t able to do, she might have been a better person. She went from job to job, leaving me to fend for myself a lot; if it wasn’t for government assistance, I probably would have been dead. At least I didn’t get caught in the “system” though. She did that much for me; was barely around long enough to keep child protective services away. After my father had left, CPS didn’t have a real reason to be interested in us.
I was Seth Lewis Archer, not Jeffrey Palladino. I was a musician. A lyricist. A brother, and a friend.
Yes, I had bipolar. I had PTSD. I had depression and anxiety and whatever the hell label they were giving it today. I had them all—the mental illness—but it didn’t have me. I wouldn’t let it.
Now I was Seth Archer, musician, lyricist, brother, friend, and a man in love with the greatest woman in the world. And I’ll be damned if I was going to let my own fucking darkness beat me. I was going to beat it or at least, not let it take over. I was going to do whatever it took to be the best person for Jessalie as I could be. Because she deserved it.
I didn’t have to be her downfall. Not like I was for my mother, or Lily.
No. Jeff was their downfall. I was just… unlucky.
If she let me, I could be her everything… just like she was for me. My savior. Someone who showed me…
…that I was worth a damn.
There was stunned silence in the car. I barely even noticed the thunder roaring outside or the sound of the Challenger’s noisy engine; my heart was too busy pounding like a jackhammer in my ears to notice anything else.
I cocked my head to the side as I gripped her hand against me, both hoping she’d register my absolute sincerity, and also because I felt like if I let go, she’d disappear.
“Seth…” she began slowly, hesitantly. I frowned immediately. I knew that tone.
“Look, you don’t have to answer that now. Really. I’m just telling you that’s what I want. That’s where I’m headed. I know it’s really fast, and—” I was rambling.
“—Seth—”
“—but I don’t fuck around with games when I know what I want, but—”
“—Seth—”
“—I really do understand if you want to think, or even say no for now, the offer won’t—”
“—Seth! Goddammit!” I felt her hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. I was rambling so much and so nervously—but a different kind of nervous—I didn’t even register that she was speaking. Like an idiot.
“Sorry…” I whispered, laughing guiltily. “I’m—”
“Seth! Dammit! Stop giving excuses for me to say no, jeez!” She shook her head, with a smirk on her face.
“So…?” I prompted, confused. “I know I don’t have a r—”
“—Seth!” She set both her hands on my shoulders, shaking me again out of my nervous rambling. “Yes.”
“I mean I— wait, what?” I stammered. Did I just hear that correctly? “Did you say—”