Noah studied her. “Was she black?”
“She was white with black spots. She used to sleep on my bed.”
“My mom is allergic to cats and dogs,” Noah said.
Astrid nodded. “Some people are—”
“She’s dead, you know,” Noah said. “She’s in the spirit world. She’s not coming back.”
Astrid’s throat tightened. As hard as her life had been, she’d always had her mother. “I’m sure she visits you from heaven,” she said. “Angels do that.”
“My mom wouldn’t do that,” Noah said matter-of-factly. “She’s too busy. I’m sure she’s working in heaven. People need her help. She’s important.”
Astrid was suddenly filled with sadness for Noah, for a child who was taught that kind of lesson. She thought of her mother, and all the hours they’d spent together. Men had come and gone, but in the end, it had always been Astrid and her mom in the car, onto their next destination. “Yes, she was busy, but that doesn’t change how much she loves you. Parents can be a little crazy, but they always love their children more than anything. It’s how they are.”
Astrid had a sudden memory of her mother buying her a Dairy Queen blizzard on her tenth birthday to celebrate her turning to double digits. She still remembered so clearly her mom counting out the exact change, the way the sunlight had sparkled on the coins that her mom had saved up so carefully for Astrid’s birthday. She would never forget the delight of ordering her first Blizzard, the pride she felt as she carried it outside to the picnic table to eat, all by herself. Her own Blizzard, on her birthday.
Noah studied her thoughtfully. “That’s what my dad says. That parents always love their kids, even if they forget to show it.”
“It’s true.”
“Are you a mom?”
A lump settled in Astrid’s throat. “Sort of.”
Noah nodded, apparently not concerned about her half-answer. “Is your mom dead, too?”
Sudden fear leapt through her at his question. “I don’t think so.” But even as she said it, she realized she didn’t know. Would anyone contact her if her mother had died? Or would her mom have simply passed away with no one caring, and no one noticing?
He looked at her. “How come you don’t know? Shouldn’t you know?”
“Well, I haven’t seen her for a while.”
“Oh.” He nodded. “Like when my mom went to South America to help people.”
Astrid laughed softly, trying to imagine her flighty mom injecting people with medicine. “Yes, exactly like that.”
Noah nodded sagely. “I’m going to hunt dragonflies,” he said, changing the subject with the alacrity of a child. “Do you want to come?”
She raised her brows. “Dragonflies? Where?”
“On the dock. There are like a billion of them down by the lake. I’m going to catch a bunch and then let them go in my bedroom so I have company when I go to bed. Don’t you think that would be awesome?”
Astrid laughed, remembering the first time she’d seen dragonflies. “Did you ever look at their wings? They’re really beautiful.”
He held up his hands so his palms were about six inches apart. “And they’re huge! I’ve never seen such massive bugs!” He jumped up, getting excited. “You have to come. My dad won’t let me go down by the water without a grownup, but grandma is making curtains for dad’s shop. My grandpa is in the kitchen making pizza sauce, and Dad’s at the store.” He grabbed her hand. “Come on! You have to!”
Astrid hesitated. “I really need to unpack—” Then she saw Noah’s crestfallen look, and sudden resolution surged through her. She’d spent too many lonely nights as a kid while her mom had gone out on dates. Screw that. If she could give back what she’d wanted, she was doing it right now. “We’re going to need jars to keep the dragonflies in once we catch them—”
“I have some in the shed! Let’s go!” Noah raced to the door, shrieking with delight.
Astrid couldn’t help but chuckle as she followed him out, her heart lifted by the exuberance of youth. And as she stepped outside into the beautiful afternoon, she knew playing with Noah was the right choice. It would be her final salute to her dream home, a final afternoon at the lake before she left. A memory she could hold with her. It was good. It was how it was supposed to be.
*
It was almost nine o’clock by the time Jason jogged up the stairs to his son’s bedroom, swearing at himself. Once again, he’d gotten home later than he’d planned, too late to put Noah to bed. Was it too late to talk to him? Would Noah be asleep already?
He quietly pushed the door open. “Noah? You still up?”
There was no reply, and regret coursed through Jason. He stepped inside and shut the door. He could see his son sleeping in the moonlight. Another day had passed without him seeing his son. It wasn’t supposed to be like this in Maine. Noah was supposed to love the pizza store and want to hang around with his dad. But the youth had no interest. Instead, he had wanted to go to camp and hang out with his newly discovered grandparents.
Alone with his work, Jason had driven himself hard all day, unable to get Eppie’s accusations out of his head. What did she mean by them? He still didn’t understand it. With a weary sigh, Jason started to sit down on the bed, then leapt up when Noah erupted from the blankets with a shriek of outrage. “Dad! Watch out!”
“What is it?” Jason whirled around, his adrenaline jacked as he searched for the threat.
“You might squish the dragonflies.”
“The what?” Jason stared at his son. “What are you talking about?”
“They’re sleeping.” Noah’s hair was askew as he stared accusingly at Jason. “Did you know dragonflies sleep at night?”
“No, I didn’t.” Jason stared suspiciously at his son. “Are there real dragonflies in your room?”
“Of course there are.” Noah ran his hand over the blanket where Jason had been about to sit, and then nodded. “There aren’t any right there. You can sit on that spot.”
“Well, good to know.” Jason eased himself carefully down, waiting for another screech of outrage, but Noah just curled up happily under the blankets. “How many dragonflies are in your room?”
“Fifty-six,” Noah said proudly. “That’s a lot, isn’t it?”
“Fifty-six? It’s a ton. I’m so impressed.” Jason looked around the room, wondering what the place would be like in the morning when all the dragonflies started flying around. He grinned, thinking about how much he would have loved that at Noah’s age. “How on earth did you catch fifty-six dragonflies?
“Astrid helped me catch them. She’s nice.”
Something shifted inside Jason. “Astrid helped you?”
“Yeah.” Noah beamed at him. “Everyone else was too busy, so Astrid went with me.” His lower lip went out in a pout. “She wouldn’t let me fall in the water. I tried six times, and each time she stopped me.” Then he brightened. “I got wet in the marshes though. That was cool.”
Jason raised his brows. “Astrid took you into the marshes? We have a marsh near here?”
“Yeah, there are frogs in there, and even turtles. And we saw a snake!” Noah held out his hands so they were as far apart as he could reach. “It was like that long! Maybe fifty feet!”
Jason laughed at his son’s exuberance. “I used to trap snakes when I was little.”
“You did? No way.” Noah sat up in bed, his eyes wide. “Can you show me how? Can we keep them? I could get a box for my room and they could live in there.” He swung his feet out from under the covers. “Let’s go now. Can we? I don’t have camp tomorrow. It’s Saturday, right?”
Jason ruffled his son’s hair. “It’s nighttime, Noah, and I have to go back to the store.”
“No, come on. You can’t go back. There are bats in these woods. Bats! Astrid showed me some of them where they were sleeping under the eaves of the garage. They look like little black fur balls tucked up there.”
“Astrid showed you bats?�
�� Jason glanced in the direction of the carriage house. Astrid had actually taken his son into the marshes and hunted for frogs, snakes and bats? He almost started laughing at the image of Astrid traipsing around after rodents, with her colorful scarves, hand-crafted jewelry and audacious smile. Then his amusement faded as he thought of Eppie’s claims, of Astrid’s rejection, of the whole town condemning him. Astrid was so far out of his reach, and he had no idea how to change that.
“Oh, yeah.” Noah leapt out of bed and grabbed his shoes off the floor. “Come on, Dad. I’ll show you. Maybe we’ll see the bats flying around. Can we go now? Can we?”
For a moment, Jason hesitated, thinking of all the work he had to do to fix the store…and suddenly, he didn’t want to go back there tonight. He had left his medical practice for a reason, and that reason was sitting on the bed in front of him. “Yeah, sure, Noah. Let’s go find some bats.”
Noah shrieked with delight, making Jason grin as his son yanked on sneakers and raced into the hall. As he followed his son out the door, he couldn’t help but feel he was still missing something. But what?
But he knew what it was.
He was missing Astrid. She was supposed to be there with them.
Chapter Seventeen
Astrid hummed to herself as she sketched another dragonfly, trying to replicate the shimmering iridescence of their wings. She’d been so inspired by the dragonflies today while she’d been hunting them with Noah. She shaded in some pink and some blue, with a faint hint of yellow. She felt alive and excited, rejuvenated by the creatures she’d helped Noah find earlier. They were so bold and daring as they flew around, streaking through the air as if they owned it, their wings so beautiful.
She’d never used dragonflies in her jewelry before, but after seeing them, she wanted desperately to try to capture their beauty and bring it to life. She felt like she could channel their elusive confidence and beauty into her own being, if she could figure out how to make them come alive in her art.
She finished her sketch and sat back, inspecting it. But even as she studied it, her excitement began to fade. It was just a flat, two-dimensional image. She hadn’t done it justice. She hadn’t brought the magic to life. She could already tell that if she tried to make earrings from her sketch, they wouldn’t be good enough.
“Crap!” Frustrated, she shoved back from the table and walked out onto the deck. The sun was setting and it was getting dark. How many days had it been since she’d moved into the carriage house? Long enough to find her muse in the idyllic setting, and yet she hadn’t accomplished anything. She’d come no further on her jewelry. She had no leads on a job. She hadn’t found any affordable housing that was decent enough to raise a child in.
She still had Harlan’s key, but she felt weird moving in there. She’d stopped by once to check it out, and it had felt really empty and depressing, almost as if a dark shadow haunted the place. It was a tiny cabin on the lake, hidden in the darkness of trees, isolated from anything else. Harlan’s presence was all over it, with his belongings silently waiting for his return from who knew where. She knew she couldn’t make her home there. It wasn’t the answer for her.
She’d sent out ten resumes to places in Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. She’d called sixteen art galleries and none of them had openings. Three jewelry stores. No one had been impressed with what she had to offer.
A part of her had been relieved that she couldn’t get a job and be forced to give up her dream.
And another part of her had been terrified at the prospect of continuing to rely on her dying business.
“What do I do now?” she asked the night.
There was no answer except the forest and lake sounds. The croak of bullfrogs from the marsh. The hoot of an owl. The call of a loon. Astrid closed her eyes and listened. A cold chill crept up her arms as the loon switched to its call that sounded like a dying woman, a female screaming as she was brutally killed.
Astrid’s eyes snapped open as goose bumps slithered down her spine. She knew the haunting scream was simply the loon. Not a woman. But it made her think of her mother. Where was she? What was happening? What if she had died, and Astrid had never heard about it, leaving her to die alone? Her mother had no one besides Astrid, which meant that now she was alone.
Noah had lost his mother so bravely. Astrid still had hers, and yet she’d blown her off. Would she want her child to do that? To give up on her? She knew she wouldn’t be perfect as a mother, probably no better than her mother was. Did she want her child to ditch her?
God, no. She would love that child, with everything she had.
A sweat broke out on her brow as she pressed her hand to her belly. What did she have to offer this baby? Herself? And what else? What family? All she had was Jason’s judgmental parents. What kind of life was that for her child? Astrid’s mom was a mess, sure, but in her own way, she’d loved Astrid so unconditionally. Astrid suddenly thought of what her mom must have felt like the day she’d realized she was pregnant with Astrid, and realized she was going to have to raise her daughter by herself. It had been hard, yes, Astrid knew that. And yet, Astrid had never felt alone or abandoned, or worried she wasn’t loved. Wasn’t that the message she wanted her child to have?
Suddenly, Astrid missed her mother with such aching fierceness she couldn’t even think. She rushed back into the house and grabbed her phone. Her fingers shaking, she looked up her mom’s phone number and pressed ‘Send.’ “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she muttered as her hands shook. The loon called again, and Astrid shivered, desperate to hear her mother’s voice and to know she was all right.
The phone beeped twice, and a recording told her that the number she’d dialed was no longer in service. Disappointment raged through her, a raw, stark loss that crumbled her to the couch. She pressed her forehead to her hands at the sudden gaping loneliness. How would she find her mother? How? All she had was her brother and… Harlan! He might be gone, but he did have a cell phone. Astrid quickly called her brother, who picked up on the first ring. His voice was rough and raw, as if he’d been in a fight. “You okay?” he asked bluntly, without preamble, and she knew he had answered the phone only out of concern for her.
“Yes, fine, but I want to find Mom. Do you know where she is?” Astrid held her breath after she blurted out the question.
There was a long silence. “Why do you want to know?”
“Because I want to see her. Do you know?”
Another long silence. So long that she began to think he’d hung up on her, or walked away from the phone. “Harlan?”
“She’s sick, Astrid.”
Astrid gripped the phone. “Sick? What do you mean sick?”
“She’s in a hospital in Portland.”
“What?” That was so close. Portland was only an hour away. “How do you know? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’ve kept track of her,” he said. “But I haven’t spoken to her since I was about ten. I just like to know where she is.”
“What’s the name of the hospital?”
Again, silence. “Why don’t I go with you?” He made a growling noise of anger and tension. “I can try to be back in a week. We can go then.”
“No. I have to do this for me. I want to do it.” She grabbed a pen. “Where is she, Harlan? Tell me now!”
“Shit, Astrid. You sure?”
“Yes! I need to see her.”
“Fine, but don’t invest in her. She will always be who she is.”
“I know that,” she said. But for the first time in her life, she was okay with it. “Tell me where she is, Harlan.”
The moment he gave her the name, she grabbed her keys and sprinted for the door.
*
“Room three-fourteen,” the receptionist at the front desk told Astrid. “Take the elevators at the end of the hall.”
“Great! Thanks!” Her palms sweating, Astrid hurried down the white corridor, squinting against the bright lights of the hospital. It was almo
st midnight, but she’d managed to convince the nurse to let her visit her mom. She hadn’t had to fake her desperation or tears, and she was frantic now to see her. How sick was her mom? How much time had she missed with her mother?
Astrid pounded at the elevator button, tapping her feet restlessly as the elevator slowly dinged its way down to her. After what felt like an eternity, the doors finally opened and she leapt inside and punched the button for the third floor.
Another agonizingly slow ride, during which Astrid got more and more nervous. What would she say? It had been so long, and the words they had exchanged before were so harsh. Such a judgment on each other and their lives.
The doors finally slid open, and for a long moment, Astrid didn’t move. She just stared at the off-white hallway with its polished floors. Several medical students hurried by, looking exhausted, but thrilled and excited, as if someone had just come in with some horrific injury that they were going to get to see.
The doors began to close, and Astrid leapt through them, her sneakers squeaking on the tile. The arrows pointed right to room three-fourteen, and slowly she began to walk. Then faster. By the time she reached the room, Astrid was running. She raced into the room. “Mom!”
The room was silent and dark, and for a moment, Astrid couldn’t see anything. Finally, her eyes adjusted and she saw two beds. An empty one by the window. A small figure in the one by the door.
Her heart racing, Astrid hurried over to the occupied bed and scooted a chair up to the edge of it. “Mom?” she whispered, leaning over to see the figure.
The light was dim, but she managed to make out the face. Astrid’s throat tightened when she saw her mother’s familiar features. “Mom,” she whispered, unable to keep the tears out of her voice. “I’m here.”
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