by Zoe Chant
Seizing the opportunity to delay talking to Nate, Stella shifted back to human and wandered up to take a seat next to her daughter. “Good morning.”
Eva yawned again. “Morning.” She took a long slurp of her tan coffee-flavored milk.
“What brings you out here?” Normally, Eva liked to curl up on the couch with her phone while she slowly returned to the human world. She had not inherited Stella’s sleep issues, for which Stella was grateful, but it sometimes made mornings a little bit of a trial.
“Nate,” Eva said around another yawn.
Stella froze. “What about him?”
Eva shrugged. “He’s bouncing around the downstairs like he just slammed a couple of 5-Hour Energy drinks and then ate a box of chocolate espresso beans. He installed a bunch of cameras and now I think he’s...cleaning or something. It’s weird.” She took another long slurp of coffee. “Then he started asking me about college and what my plans for the future were. And it’s morning, so I escaped out here.”
Nothing serious could be discussed within at least an hour of getting up. It was a house rule that Eva had installed after one too many questions about her life over the breakfast table.
“He was asking you about college?” Stella asked slowly.
Eva nodded, face buried in her mug. “What sort of things do I want to study. Do I want to live in a dorm. Am I applying early admissions anywhere,” she said when she emerged. “I don’t know why he’s so interested.”
I do. Stella bit her lip, wondering if she should tell Eva yet or not.
Not yet, she decided finally. She’d talk to Nate first.
Besides, she’d be breaking the one-hour rule if she brought it up now.
“Well,” she said decisively, standing up again, “I guess I’ll go see what’s got him all energized. Enjoy your coffee, sweetie.”
“Always do.”
Stella kissed her daughter on her messy bedhead and went inside, trepidation rising in her chest once again.
Nate was doing dishes in the kitchen, whistling to himself. When Stella came in, her footsteps falling softly on the floor, he turned around instantly, a soft smile spreading over his face.
That smile could be mine, Stella thought, every day for the rest of my life. She tried a shaky smile of her own. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he said softly. “I just want to say first—I want you to take as much time as you need to decide what you want from this, okay? I get that it’s a huge thing, and it could completely transform both of our lives, and I want you to be totally comfortable and okay with whatever we end up deciding to do.”
Stella’s mouth fell open. “That...wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.”
He turned off the water and dried his hands on a dishtowel. But he didn’t come towards her, like she’d been half-expecting; he leaned back against the counter, posture open and expression calm. “What were you expecting me to say?”
Stella shrugged uncomfortably. “That you could figure this out, I guess. That you knew it was all going to work out and be fine.”
“No one knows how the future’s going to go,” Nate said soberly. “I can’t promise you everything’s going to be fine, no matter what happens. All I can promise is that I’m going to do my best to make it fine. And that includes letting you figure out what you want. Because if I just say what I want, that’s not going to make for a very good start to anything.”
Stella could feel her lip trembling. Before she could actually start to cry, she took a step forward, and then another, and then flung herself into Nate’s arms.
He wrapped her up tight immediately. “Hey,” he murmured into her ear, “hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
Stella shook her head, unable to speak around the lump in her throat. Her eyes felt hot, her chest tight.
Nate kissed her ear and held her for a long, quiet moment. Finally, Stella swallowed and managed to say, “I don’t know how you’re such a good person. How did you become such a good person?”
“Couldn’t say,” he rumbled in her ear. “My mom would probably tell you that it was a good Christian upbringing.”
Stella laughed a little. “Well, I—didn’t have that, I guess.”
There was a pause. Then Nate said cautiously, “What do you mean by that?”
Nate’s embrace was so warm. His arms were so strong. His words were so kind. It didn’t seem fair that Stella had to make herself pull away from all that, but...it was.
She met his eyes. “I just don’t see how it can be right. You’re so—you risked your life to serve your country. You started your own business, and it’s really successful. You’re helping me just because Ken asked you to and you want to do the right thing. Meanwhile, I’m...” she waved a hand.
“You’re what?” Nate asked, startling her with his vehemence. “You’re raising your daughter on your own after her no-good dad abandoned you? You’re working your butt off so she can go to college?”
“I didn’t—” Stella tried, but he held up his hand.
“I’m not done. You’re being incredibly brave in the face of one of the scariest things that can happen to a person. You face a world that’s given you a lot of hardship and cruelty with a grace that I can only hope to emulate somehow. You’re a good person, Stella.”
Stella bit her lip hard. But she couldn’t hold out in the face of all of that, and a couple of tears spilled over.
Nate caught her hands and kissed them. “Don’t cry,” he said with terrifying gentleness.
“I’m not sad,” she managed.
“I don’t think you are.” His eyes were infinitely blue and infinitely kind. “I just wish that all of that wasn’t crazy enough to make you cry when you hear it. I wish you knew it already, deep in your heart.”
“It just doesn’t seem right!” Stella said furiously. “I guess it’s not—it’s not like you’re Mother Teresa and I’m some awful murderer. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time thinking that we’re on the same level.”
“Do you want my guess?” Nate said gently.
She nodded.
“I think you’ve had so many experiences where people or things let you down, that you think it’s all your fault. I mean...I promise you this isn’t judgmental, it’s just that from what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve had a few boyfriends.”
Stella tensed. “A lot of boyfriends,” she whispered.
Nate’s hands tightened on hers. “I told you, I’m not judging at all. I’ve dated so many women, I’ve lost count. But the difference is...I knew every minute with them was casual. Fun, physical, and that was it—I went on my way. Because my way was solid, and paved, and going somewhere I could follow with some basic hard work and dedication.”
Stella had to suspect that spending years as a combat Marine and then starting your own business and building it up to be as successful as Ken said Nate was went beyond basic hard work and dedication. But she could see what he was trying to say.
“But I think you were trying to build something with your boyfriends,” Nate continued. “Right? And it sounds like they kept on stepping away from the plate, instead of up to it. Letting you down, and leaving you alone again.”
“It’s my fault, too,” Stella protested. “I could’ve stayed somewhere instead of moving around so much, built up a real foundation for Eva, started working my butt off fifteen years ago instead of now. Other moms do.”
Nate pressed, “And was there something wrong with trying to find a good relationship, a place where you could live your dreams and be a mom?”
Stella rubbed her eyes. “I thought not.”
“There really, really wasn’t,” Nate said. “Eva’s not sad or traumatized. She’s fine, she has a good mom.”
She stared at him, wanting to believe it. It was weird—Lynn had tried to tell her something similar. That had been strange, too, because Stella was used to Lynn being her severest critic. But since they’d moved back in, Lynn had obviously been rethinking their relationship, tryin
g to see Stella with different eyes.
I wish I hadn’t judged you so hard, her sister had said. You and I are different, but that doesn’t mean your way of doing things is wrong. You’ve seen a lot more of the world than I have, had a lot more experiences, taken a lot more risks. And you’ve still raised a fantastic daughter. I’m proud of you.
It had meant a lot, coming from Lynn. Stella had cried, hearing those words.
But she hadn’t quite been able to believe it.
But somehow, coming from Nate...maybe it was because he’d only met her a couple of days ago. Maybe it was something to do with the warmth pulsing in her chest, the feeling that she knew was the mate-bond. It was almost like she could feel the truth in his words, like her own doubts and self-recriminations didn’t have room to breathe, when surrounded by his affirmation.
It was crazy. But she felt...lighter.
Just a bit. But lighter.
“I—maybe,” she managed to get out. “Maybe.”
Nate looked at her with those gorgeous blue eyes, full of compassion and affection and...something else. Stella lifted her chin and looked right back.
“Anyway,” he added dryly, “it’s not like I’m perfect, either.”
Stella laughed a little. “Oh, no?”
He shook his head solemnly. “Nope. I—well, I guess I’m not a womanizer anymore.”
That sent a thrill of fear and excitement through her.
“But I was, for a long time. When I was younger, I wasn’t always the best at making sure everyone understood that no commitment was involved, that the whole thing should be casual. I hurt some feelings.” He sounded serious.
Stella could easily imagine a twenty-year-old Nate breaking some serious hearts. “But you don’t do that anymore,” she pointed out.
“Well, if we’re only judging by what we’re doing now,” he said, with a twinkle in his eye, “then someone is working her butt off to send her kid to college.”
Stella breathed out a little laugh. “Fair enough.”
“And I’m not always the greatest at fulfilling my responsibilities even today,” he went on. “Connie is always on my case about the paperwork, because it’s my least favorite thing to do, so I put it off until she threatens to quit.”
Stella smiled. “She sounds like a good employee.”
“The best,” Nate said fervently. “Better at my job than I am, some days. And I’m terrible at sitting still. I always have to be moving. Women hate it, mostly.”
Stella frowned. “You’ve sat still with me a bunch of times.”
He stopped short. Then his brows came together.
“I suppose you’re right,” he said slowly.
“I mean, I don’t expect you to change your entire personality for me or anything,” Stella said hastily. “I don’t mind if you’re up and around all the time. I can be like that sometimes, too. Eva hates it, though.”
Nate laughed. “I could tell. I drove her out of the kitchen earlier, being too active.”
“Especially in the mornings,” Stella agreed. “She just wants to take some time to sit with her caffeine and slooowly wake up. Even when she was little, it was better to wait until she was done with breakfast before you tried to have a real conversation with her.”
“I’ll remember that,” he said solemnly.
Which suddenly struck Stella with its impact—the idea that Nate might be around to remember that.
“Oh, God,” she said, feeling the edges of panic creep up behind her. “Are we going to live together? You, me, and Eva? Here in town? Or somewhere else—where do you even live, anyway? If we move, what am I going to do for work? But if I stay here, what about your job?”
“Whoa, whoa!” He held up his hands. “I don’t know! I really...don’t know.”
And at that, she saw the first hint of uncertainty edge into his expression.
Paradoxically, though, that made her calm down. She wasn’t used to being so anxious about the future, anyway. Normally, she threw herself headlong into new opportunities, and let the risks sort themselves out later, the choices be made when they happened.
Of course, normally she chose the new opportunities, rather than waking up and realizing that they were happening to her no matter what she might say or do.
And normally, she wasn’t coming to a new opportunity in the middle of this whole...Todd situation. There had been a lot of sleepless nights in the last month.
“I don’t want to uproot your life,” Nate was saying, with real concern. “I love my job—okay, the non-paperwork parts of my job. I love doing security consults, solving the puzzle of how a certain place is vulnerable, stopping someone from committing a crime. I don’t want to give that up. But I don’t want to drag you along anywhere you don’t want to go. I live in Chicago, but if you want to stay here—if you don’t want to be in a city all the time—or if Eva would rather stay here and do her senior year here—we can make it work, somehow.”
“We will make it work,” Stella said firmly. “If you knew how many times I’d totally uprooted my life—for much worse reasons than this—we can make it work.”
The anxiety was receding. It had come, Stella thought, from the feeling of being out of control, of not being able to make her own decisions. She’d always struggled with that.
But that feeling was being replaced by something else. The knowledge that the decision that the Universe had made for her was...Nate.
And she wasn’t going to say, Screw you! to a good thing just because she hadn’t thought it up herself.
She wasn’t going to flounce off in a huff from something that promised to lift her up, bring her more happiness than she could ever have dreamed off.
Lynn would hardly recognize her, Stella thought with a private smile.
“There’s waitress jobs in Chicago,” Stella told Nate. “Eva will hit the roof at the idea of moving to a real city. She’s always told me that—how does she say it—optimum nerd concentration is in places with a ton of people already living there.”
Nate still looked concerned. “But—your family’s here, and the Park just seems so...important to you.”
Stella had to admit, at least to herself, that the idea of leaving Montana entirely, moving somewhere with endless stretches of suburbia that led to endless stretches of flat plains—no mountains, no rugged wilderness to lose herself in—
It was strange. Strange, and a little uncomfortable, to think of not just visiting a big city, exploring it and learning its culture, but living there.
Something occurred to her. “Can we—are there places to shift?”
Nate’s concern deepened. “Out in the forest preserve. But there’s only small areas where you can be really sure you won’t run into hikers. I mostly wait until I’m traveling, just because it would be hard to explain a panther away. A lynx would be easier, but you might be more vulnerable if anyone thought you were dangerous.”
A big city. A forest preserve. Stella had never lived anywhere too urban for too long—Missoula was the biggest city that she’d really called home for any length of time.
“The other thing to consider,” Nate said quietly, “is that if you leave town, the Todd problem will be taken care of.”
Stella thought about that for about four seconds before she felt a hardening of reserve, of determination that she thought might’ve run out in the last month.
Well, maybe having a mate was bringing some of it back.
“I’m not running away from my own goddamn house,” she said fiercely. “We can talk about where we want to live, but no way am I deciding because I’m afraid of that loser.”
Nate’s face broke into a wide smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Then forget it. We’re going to show him who’s boss. And I have to make a phone call soon.”
Stella frowned. “To whom?”
“To—hm. To Connie, I guess, although she’s going to tell me that all of my people are out on assignments.” Nate frowned thoughtfully. “But I need to
pull someone else in.”
“Why?”
He took her hands. “Because I can’t do a good job bodyguarding you right now. I’m paying attention to all the wrong things, I’m distracted all the time, and I won’t make the right choices in the heat of the moment because I’m listening to my heart instead of my head.”
That was...dizzying. “To your—”
There was a hint of red on Nate’s cheeks. “You know,” he said ruefully, “I’ve read out that lecture to half a dozen starry-eyed youngsters on bodyguard duty over my life, but I’ve never had to use it on myself.” He kissed her hand. “My heart.”
It was strange to think that Nate—competent, calm Nate—was feeling the same kind of swoopy overwhelmed feeling that seemed to have permanently lodged itself in Stella’s chest.
But somehow, she knew he was.
Nate continued, despite the blush, “If we’re going to keep protecting you effectively, I have to call in some backup.”
Now Stella was having second thoughts. “I’m not going to disrupt someone else’s life—”
“Do not worry about it,” Nate said firmly. “I know exactly who I’m going to call, and it’s someone who could really use a break from his job.”
“Okay,” Stella said dubiously.
Nate’s eyes softened as he looked at her. “Hey,” he said quietly. “This is not going to be a problem for much longer. We’re going to take care of Todd, and your house is going to be safe for you again. And we can go to Chicago, see how you like it, and then go somewhere else if you don’t.”
“But your business,” Stella protested.
Nate leaned in and kissed her softly. Sweetly. It was warm and loving and it made her want to melt. “We will figure it out,” he promised.
And somehow, despite her history of totally failing to figure things out, Stella believed him.
***
Nate
Nate had no idea what they were going to do.
On the surface, the future didn’t seem like an insurmountable problem at all. Stella liked to travel, had picked up and moved dozens of times throughout her life, and had as much as confessed that she didn’t really enjoy working at the diner here, but was doing it for money for Eva’s college.