by Emma Doherty
All my insecurities come to the forefront as I consider what to do. The sun is bright, so there’ll be no hiding every imperfection of my body, and I’ve just stuffed my face with tacos and soda, so I’m probably bloated and unattractive. I’m not even sure if I’m wearing matching underwear right now.
“Abigail!”
I turn to look at him, contemplating what to do, and as Brett ducks under again, I know with absolute certainty that he won’t give a crap what I look like, or what my insecurities are. Right now, all he cares about is taking my mind off my grades and making me relax.
And the sight of him in his boxers is certainly doing that.
I reach for the hem of my t-shirt, pulling it over my head before I can stop myself, revealing a cute bralette my mom bought me last year. Then I pull off my shorts, grateful that even though my underwear doesn’t match exactly, it’s at least the right color.
I look back to the ocean and see that Brett’s stopped messing around and instead has his eyes pinned on me. My stomach flips at the look on his face, and I sweep all my insecurities from my mind as I run to join him, shrieking at the initial cold before diving under and coming up spluttering.
He laughs, moving closer so that he’s within touching distance of me, and I really want him to touch me. I really, really want him to touch me right now.
“It’s good, huh?”
“It’s freezing.”
“It’s the Atlantic—clears the mind.”
The only thing on my mind right now is him. Him, him, him.
Another gentle wave comes in, lifting me off my feet as it does, and he reaches out to grab me, his hands going to my hips to stop me from moving away.
I feel like my body is on fire where he’s touching me, where his right thumb strokes gently against my hip, and I have never wanted to kiss somebody so badly in my life. The way he’s looking at me right now, I think he might be feeling the exact same way.
I take a deep breath, pushing myself to be the bravest I’ve ever been, and make a snap decision.
I want this.
I lean into him, just slightly, tilting my head up to his, and I swear he reacts, swear for just a second he starts to do the exact same thing—before another wave comes along, shifting us again, and this time, he lets go.
This time he takes a purposeful step back, away from me, turning and ducking back into the water then coming up even farther away from me.
“The ocean’s kinda rough today, huh?”
My heart drops.
He doesn’t want me. He’s brushing that moment away and acting like it never happened.
He might see me as a friend now, but that’s where it ends.
He doesn’t see me like that at all.
“Maybe we should go back in?”
I try not to let any emotion show on my face as I follow his lead, heading back to the towels and quickly engulfing my body in one, turning away to hide any hurt that might be visible on my face. I hurriedly dry my skin, throw my clothes back on over my wet underwear, and try to act like everything is normal and fine as he rambles on and on about something I couldn’t care less about.
He seems to get that I’m not in the mood for talking and lets me be quiet as we make our way back to his car then back to school where I can grab my car.
I don’t say much to him at all.
I can’t. That purposeful step away from me told me everything I need to know.
He pulls up at the school and my hand is immediately on the door handle, desperate to get away from him and the embarrassment I feel about that rejection. He might be trying to play it down and act like it didn’t happen, but it definitely did.
“Abigail?”
I clear my throat. “I’m really tired and need to get home.”
He nods and I think he’s going to say something else, but he doesn’t.
“Sasha,” I blurt out, because I’m so damn insecure about myself and my feelings that I can’t talk to him about how he just rejected me and how that made me feel and instead want to protect myself and act like it never happened.
He furrows his brow. “What about her?”
She’s the one he wants.
“I need to set you up on that date.” I try to force a smile, but I can tell it’s nowhere near convincing. “I haven’t forgotten. I’ll get on that ASAP.”
I don’t wait for him to say anything else to that, because I can’t. I get out of his car and into my own as fast as I can because it hurts to be near him right now.
Him rejecting me hurts. Big time.
30
I have never in my life been to school this early.
And I feel sick.
Absolutely sick to my stomach with nerves.
I bite down on my bottom lip, hoping and praying I’ve done enough to get through these tests as Ellie turns into the school driveway and follows my directions to the main entrance. She surprised me by waiting for me by my car with coffee and a bagel this morning, telling me she was going to drive me to school so I could just sit and focus on the task at hand. I swear I nearly burst into tears at the fact that she remembered what today is and the thoughtfulness of it.
She pulls up beside the entrance as I stare at the doors. I really don’t want to go in there.
School doesn’t start for another two hours, but I just wanted to get this over with, and Coach and Ms. Sallinson agreed I could start early and take both two-hour tests starting at 5:30am (apparently Ms. Sallinson comes in early anyway) so I would be done by ten and then hopefully they’d be graded by the end of the day.
I can’t stand the thought of being on edge thinking about them all day and wondering if I passed, and I definitely can’t handle the thought of having to wait overnight for the results.
This way I should know my fate by the end of the day.
“You’ve got this, Abs.”
I turn away from the door and force a smile for my sister.
“I’m being serious. I’m so proud of you for working so hard.”
I nod my head. I’m proud of me too, but it will all be for nothing if I don’t pass.
She leans forward and pulls me into a quick, tight hug before letting me go. “Thanks El.”
She winks at me before I realize I can’t avoid it anymore and have to face my future.
I climb out of her car as my phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out to see a message from Chase wishing me luck this morning. It’s the latest of several I’ve received from Sasha, Jennifer, Sophie, Livy, Jackson, and the rest, and I’m grateful that they’re thinking of me but can’t help feeling pressure and expectation.
I really wish I hadn’t messed up so much to get to this point.
Ellie waves at me as she drives away, and I take a deep breath and start walking up the steps to school.
“Hey!”
I turn at the noise and nearly fall over when I see Brett standing at the bottom of the stairs. He sort of waves at me in an awkward way before walking up the steps to join me.
We spoke to each other yesterday, just him briefly telling me not to study too much last night, and I agreed then moved away from him, saying I had somewhere to be. It hurt being that close to him after being rejected. That’s the only word for what happened between us at the beach. I wanted something to happen, and he clearly didn’t.
“What-what are you doing here?”
He shrugs. “Wanted to see how my star student was doing.”
No, not this time. I’m not going to let him get away with teasing and joking like we always do. I thought there was something between us, but he proved there isn’t, so what is he doing here so early when he doesn’t need to be?
“It’s not even 6am, Brett—why are you here?”
“Because I wanted to be.”
Those words affect something down inside me. I find him so, so confusing.
We don’t say anything else, just kind of stare at each other for a couple of seconds until he gently nudges my shoulder with his. “Are you okay?”
I swallow, my thoughts returning to the task at hand, and my eyes hit the ground. “I think so.”
“You can do this.”
“I don’t know.”
“You can.”
“Do you have any last-minute tips for me?”
“You don’t need them.”
“I’m scared.”
“Abigail.” I look up at him then, and his blue eyes pierce mine. “You are gonna be fine. I promise you.”
Those simple words release a little bit of tension in me, because if he believes it then it must be true.
He nods toward the entrance. “You ready?”
I nod and fall into step with him as he climbs the remainder of the stairs then holds the door open for me. We start walking down the empty hallways to Ms. Sallinson’s office.
We don’t say anything to each other as we make our way toward her office; we don’t need to, and strangely, with him being next to me, the nerves start to drift away. I like his trust in me. It reassures me that maybe I have done enough after all.
We stop outside Ms. Sallinson’s door, and I look through the window to see her rifling through some papers.
I go to open the door, but his hand on my shoulder stops me.
When I turn around, he’s holding out a pen. It’s not your average ballpoint or generic one from Target, but an old-fashioned one, one you can tell clearly cost more than a couple of bucks.
“It’s my lucky pen,” he tells me. “I’ve used it for every test and exam I’ve had throughout high school.”
My eyes move from the pen to his face, and his eyes soften.
“Never failed me yet.”
I nod, taking it from him, and he pulls me into a quick, unexpected hug that makes me want to bury myself inside him. Then he knocks on Ms. Sallinson’s door for me and nudges me forward, and I can’t avoid it any longer. I turn and enter the room.
She smiles at me as I enter and indicates the small desk she’s set out at the back of the room. She’s even been sweet enough to put a glass and a jug of water there for me as well as a cereal bar. I go over to it as she explains that I’ll take the math test first before a thirty-minute break, during which I can stretch my legs, grab something to eat, or go over my notes before taking the chemistry test.
Then she walks toward me, asking for my phone and my bag so she knows there’s no chance of cheating. I hand them over without a word but then remember I have something for her in my bag and pull out the envelope with a check to the domestic abuse charity for just under $16,000.
She gapes at the amount, her mouth open wide. “You raised all this?”
“Yeah, it’s for the domestic abuse charity. Even if I don’t graduate, I’m glad you made me do it. I’m glad I’m helping them.”
Her eyes don’t move from the check, and I know even if today goes terribly wrong, at least I’ve done one thing right.
“This is incredible.”
“Thank you.”
She seems to pull herself together then, straightening up and clearing her throat as she takes the check away and places it on her desk. She returns with a couple of sheets of paper that are stapled together in the top left-hand corner, placing them in front of me.
“You have two hours to finish the exam. Your time starts now.”
By the time I’ve finished both tests, I’m ready to collapse against the desk, both physically and mentally exhausted.
My brain feels like it’s going to explode I’ve been concentrating so hard, and I have no idea how I’m going to be able to use it for the rest of the day.
Ms. Sallinson collects the papers and tells me she’ll try her hardest to ensure they’re graded by the end of the day. Then she dismisses me to “try to relax.”
She’s all but giving me permission to skip my next class, and quite honestly, I’d skip the whole day if I had my car here, but Ellie’s ride this morning has robbed me of that option. Instead I grab my stuff and head outside, walking out toward the large tree where I sat when I first found out I was failing, and I breathe in the spring air and try to empty my mind as I realize there’s nothing else I can do now.
It’s out of my hands.
And it’s a relief.
I tried my hardest. I really did. I don’t think I could have actually studied any harder, and no matter what happens, I know I tried.
I lean back against the bark of the tree, sort of hoping the trunk is blocking me from the view of the school and sort of not caring if it isn’t. After the last four hours, I deserve to sit down and zone out.
“How’d it go?”
I jump out of my skin at the close proximity of the voice and see Livy, Chase, Aaron, and Sasha looking down at me.
I shrug. “I don’t know. It was really hard.”
Livy bites her lip, looking worried for me. “I’m sure you did fine.”
I shrug again. Either way, I’m done. I either graduate with these guys, or I drop out of high school. I am not picking up another math textbook as long as I live, and that, if nothing else, is something for me to smile about. “What are you guys doing out here?”
“I saw you come out just before the bell rang,” Sasha explains. “Just wanted to check on you before French.”
“I’m not going,” I tell her flatly. “I’m sitting here until lunch and I’ll go to afternoon classes, but I can’t right now.”
“You’re ditching?” Livy asks.
I look over at her, and she looks distinctly uncomfortable. I realize it’s probably because I mentioned ditching, which I know is something she doesn’t do.
“Um…well…”
“You should get to class,” I tell her, my gaze sweeping around to include them all. “You don’t want to get a tardy.”
Livy nods in relief at my words, and I almost laugh out loud at how different we are.
Chase drops her hand. “You go ahead, Livs. I’m gonna stay here.”
If that bothers Livy, she gives absolutely no sign of it as she nods, and when Sasha and Aaron make no move to join her, she heads back toward the school building.
“I’m not going to be good company,” I warn everyone still here. “I barely have the energy to speak right now.”
Chase flops down onto the grass next to me, using his backpack as a pillow. “Who said you needed to speak?”
Aaron copies him while Sasha sinks down next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.
That’s the way we spend the next hour, in total silence as I look out into the distance, my mind mainly blank.
I say mainly, because one thing I do realize as I sit there with my friends after those tests that will determine my future is that maybe I didn’t screw up high school so bad after all.
I watch Chase and Aaron and Sasha and realize I didn’t do so badly in the end.
How could I have with friends like these?
Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird.
And not just for me either.
Everyone is sitting around, but it’s unusually quiet even with Aaron and Brendon’s attempts to keep the conversation flowing and humorous. It’s just not happening. Everyone’s sending me sympathetic smiles and looks, and if I didn’t think everyone knew my tests that decide my whole future were this morning then I do now.
I let out a long sigh as yet another long silence hangs over the group. “Guys, you don’t have to be weird. This is my problem, not yours.”
“It’s because we care,” Sasha says, and I know she does. I can’t believe what a great friend she’s been to me over the last couple of months. I don’t deserve it.
“Yup, even me,” Sophie says from her spot on Mark’s knee. For once she, Livy, and Jesse have joined our table, something they’ve never done before. That should have been my first warning that today’s lunch wasn’t going to be normal. “I feel seriously invested after baking all those cookies.”
I smile back at her. I guess she’s right. Every single person around this table has helped me in some way over the last few we
eks, even if only buying some baked goods, helping at the auction, or sending me a text to cheer me up over the long hours of studying.
No one’s helped me more than Brett though. My eyes go to him at his table for probably the twentieth time since I sat down.
I have no idea what’s going on with us, but I can’t help feeling sick at the thought of setting him up with Sasha very soon. He made it obvious he isn’t interested in me and I promised him I was going to set him up, so I’m going to have to deliver.
“Abigail.” Something about the sharpness in Chase’s voice sets me on edge, and I look over at him to see him nodding at something behind me. I turn in my seat and see Coach and Ms. Sallinson weaving their way through the tables, their eyes trained on me and some sheets of paper in Coach’s hand.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the papers have already been graded.
I feel like I might vomit.
I actually feel like I might vomit right here, right now, in front of everyone.
Surely if they’re telling me this so publicly then it’s good news? Surely that means something?
I can’t believe they’d be so cruel as to tell me I failed in front of everyone.
My heart starts thudding nervously in my chest as they reach the table, and I look around to see everyone’s eyes trained on me, total silence surrounding me.
My eyes dart to Brett, across the cafeteria, and he’s already watching me, his face pale, like this is a big moment for him too. He stands up and walks over to us, never taking his eyes off me until he comes to stand behind Livy, directly across from me.
I swallow hard, knowing this is it. This is what it comes down to, what will tell me if the effort I’ve put in over the last three months will actually amount to anything.
“We thought you’d want to know sooner rather than later,” Coach says, holding out the papers to me, turned upside down so I can’t see the scores. “Remember you need 74 on both tests to pull your grades up enough to graduate.”
I can’t read her face. By looking at her, I have no idea what the scores on those sheets of paper are.
I reach out to take them, my hand shaking in terror as I try to ignore the silence around me, not just at my table but what seems to be the whole damn cafeteria.