by J. C. Staudt
He smacks my chest with the back of his hand and lumbers off to make the rounds.
“So that’s Brian Biddix,” I tell Paige in the style of a tour bus operator. “Apparently Lorne still hasn’t told him you’re not sleeping together.”
Paige rolls her eyes. “God, this is so humiliating. Is this why he invited me? So he can show me off to all his friends like I don’t know what’s going on? How childish can he get?”
“Lorne and Brian have this ongoing thing,” I explain. “Like a competition to see who can get the most girls. I think Lorne got tired of keeping up with Brian’s B.S. a while ago, and now he’s just phoning it in to avoid the backlash. Brian’s really pushy about that stuff, as you can probably tell. I know it’s hard not to take it personally, but you shouldn’t. This is what you get for agreeing to help Lorne investigate the Order of the Raven.”
“Figures. Your brother needs to drop this Brian guy and grow up.”
“It’ll never happen. Now that those two are in business together, they might as well be conjoined twins.”
“Then this is the last one of Lorne’s parties I’m coming to.”
“I’m glad you came to this one,” I hear myself say, and immediately regret how cheesy it sounds.
She gives me an amused smirk and asks, “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
I’m about to tell her when there’s a commotion from the kitchen. Lorne is standing in front of the island, arms raised to quiet his guests. Conversations die down, and someone turns off the music humming through the whole-house surround.
“Speech,” someone yells. “Speech.”
“I’m on it,” Lorne says. “Thank you all for coming, first of all. It’s great to have everyone here tonight. Each one of you has in some way played a role in helping me become who I am today. Long story short, I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for you. So as you may have figured out by now, there’s a reason you’re all here other than just to party. I wanted to share the happy news with you in person, before it got out on social media or the rumor mill and people got their feelings hurt because they weren’t the first to know. Most if not all of you know these last few months have been hard. Since all the unpleasantness with a world-renowned executive I won’t mention by name—” laughter, “—I’ve had a rough time getting back into the swing of things. Savage Systems is taking off. We’ve hit the ground running, and thanks to many of you who’ve contributed to our early success, we’ll continue to move forward with great things in store. That said, there’s one person I need to thank most of all, and that’s my girlfriend Dani. She’s been here for me during what has been one of the most difficult times in my life. She’s stayed beside me through everything, and I—” Lorne pauses, gathering his composure, “—I owe her so much. I don’t know where I’d be without her love and support. So without further ado, I’m beyond thrilled to announce that Dani and I are getting married.”
If fate kicked me in the groin when I met Carmine’s boyfriend, it has followed up with a roundhouse to the face. The reaction in the room is about what I’d expect. Scattered applause; a few whistles and hollers; silence from those of us who are too horrified to be polite. It’s a bizarro-world proclamation, something few were expecting. Maybe an announcement about Savage Systems, but not this. Everyone is trying not to look bewildered—with the exception of Dani’s girlfriends, who are tittering like songbirds.
Dani moves to Lorne’s side and slides an arm around him. When they kiss, it’s as though they’re sealing some unbreakable pact. Little do I know, the pact isn’t sealed yet. Not until Lorne drops the real bomb.
“Also, Dani’s pregnant.”
The oh my gawds begin in earnest. Screams of excitement. Congratulations. Questions about how far along she is. There’s no doubt about it now; Lorne’s a lifer, and he’s chosen the wrong ball and chain.
Paige is looking at me with the same astounded expression I’ve got on. This whole thing is too strange for words. It’s impossible to believe. Yet here we are, lying in an icy tub of treachery. Dani looks so smug and satisfied with herself, watching Paige’s face for the jealousy she wants so badly to be there. Lorne didn’t invite Paige to this party. Dani invited her for the express purpose of marking her territory and rubbing it in.
Biddix enters the spotlight by grabbing Lorne and slapping him into a fierce bro hug. He’s psyched; ready to butt heads like they’re both wearing football helmets. He’s no more a Dani fan than I am, but even Biddix isn’t dumb enough to spoil what’s supposed to be one of the happiest moments of his best friend’s life.
“While we have you all here,” Lorne continues when the noise dies down, “we’re going to go ahead and announce our wedding party because we thought it would be a great surprise to give you each your gifts now.”
A number of wrapped boxes and gift bags are brought out from another room, a space cleared for them on the kitchen island.
“I’ll start with my best man,” says Lorne, casting his eyes around the room so it’s impossible to know who he’s talking about. “This is a guy who’s been with me through it all. Through thick and thin, ever since we were kids, I’ve always been able to rely on him. He’s always pushed me to be better, to live life to the fullest. My brother, my best friend for life…”
I’m waiting to hear my name. Arden Savage’s name. But that isn’t the name I hear.
“Brian Biddix. Get over here, you sexy beast.”
Another sloppy bro hug. Biddix takes his gift and holds it high with a whooping shout. He stumbles off to the side to open it while Dani announces her maid of honor.
I find it hard to pay attention while my vision tunnels out. This is Brian Biddix, the guy I found sitting at a sports bar getting drunk while his best friend was missing. While I was looking for him. And this is who Lorne chooses as his best man?
It’s absurd that I’d be hurt by this. Yet for all I’d like to deny it, it stings. It’s a strange feeling, since Lorne isn’t my real brother. Human connection transcends blood, and it transcends circumstance. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been hurt by a complete stranger. A line-cutter at the grocery store; a jerk in traffic; a favored local business owner with no memory for names. We see these people not as mere blips on the radar of our lives, but as the gatekeepers of our social value. Making myself care about Lorne and Carmine has turned them into my gatekeepers. They’ve become my real family, even if they don’t know it; even though they’re not.
It’s impossible to pretend you care about someone without actually starting to care about them. I wonder if it’s been worth forcing myself to be more involved in their lives only to get hurt like this, having Lorne choose his douchey best friend over the brother who rescued him. Of course, Lorne doesn’t remember this. He, like most people, has put up walls. Blocked out things he doesn’t want to think about, and girded himself against what he fears is real.
That’s why the Fae Council’s dreaded mass awakening will never happen. Humans, on a large scale, will never allow their normal everyday lives to be interrupted by an en-masse acknowledgement of the supernatural. Anyway, what do I want, a medal? A recognition trophy for being a good brother to my not-real brother?
Lorne grabs another gift off the table and announces his next groomsman. Hope rises in my chest, only to be dashed upon the rocks of despair when it still isn’t me. Now I’m truly wounded. One of Lorne’s college buddies goes up to accept his prize.
Dani goes, then Lorne calls up his third groomsman. I don’t register it until Paige touches my arm and says, “Hey. That’s you, isn’t it?”
She means it as a joke, but it startles me all the same. I give her a sheepish smile and go up to accept my gift. Lorne hugs me and whispers, “Love you, brother,” with alcohol-laced breath.
“Sick, dude,” Bisquick calls from the kitchen counter, handling his gifts.
“Wait ‘til everyone has theirs,” Dani snaps.
Bisquick stuffs the items back in their box.
&n
bsp; I stand awkwardly at the front while Lorne and his blushing bride-to-be announce the rest of their wedding party. There are seven attendants per side when all is said and done. When we get the go-ahead to unwrap our gifts, the groomsmen each find handmade wooden boxes with metal locks beneath the wrapping paper.
The keys are taped to the lid. As I unlock mine, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I ignore it in favor of the assortment of extravagant presents before me. A pair of chrome cufflinks. A monogrammed stainless steel whiskey flask. A pocket square in robin’s-egg blue. A leather belt with a phrase burned onto the inside. A brother’s love is… a brother’s love.
An old movie reference, I think. Not sure what it means, but I appreciate the sentiment. It must’ve been an inside joke between Lorne and Arden. When Lorne is unoccupied, I go over to thank and congratulate him.
He gestures. “Did you see the etching on the belt?”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “Good one.”
“Thought you’d like that. I’m going to have all the groomsmen wear the belts, cufflinks, and pocket squares to the wedding.”
Belts? I think with alarm. If I can’t wear the spellvault belt during the wedding, I’ll have to rely on a less-effective illusion to keep me looking like Arden. That means finding a quiet spot to recast the spell at least once. “Sounds good,” I say with a smile.
“Thanks for being here tonight.”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
“Glad we’ve been seeing more of you lately. I hope that continues.”
“Things are about to change big-time for you, huh? When’s she due?”
“Not until December. It’s early days yet. We kind of jumped the gun on telling everyone. Had to, if the wedding’s going to go off as soon as we want it to.”
“When’s that?”
“July.”
“Wow. So like two months from now?”
“Crazy, right? Dani’s already got the jitters, and the baby’s making her feel pretty sick most days. I’m about to email everybody with all the info on venues and dates and times.”
“I’ll look out for it. Congrats again, man.”
“Thanks. So I saw you and Paige talking before.”
“Yeah. So that whole thing about you and her…”
Lorne waves me off. “I had to cover my ass while I was looking into the Mottrov thing with Carmine. Still gives me nightmares.”
“I’m sorry about what happened to you. I know it’s not easy. These things take time to heal from.”
“I’m just glad I have Dani,” Lorne says, staring wistfully at his fiancé, who is chatting and giggling with her friends. Tears gather in his eyes. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without her.”
I nod politely. “I’m just glad you’re happy, and you’re making strides.”
“Yeah. So you and Paige,” he says, elbowing me in the ribs.
“Bisquick still thinks you’re—”
“No, man. I told him it was bullshit months ago. He probably doesn’t remember. Paige is a great girl. You’ve got nothing to worry about from me. It’s me and Dani all the way. It was Dani’s idea to invite her, believe it or not. If you like her, go for it.”
I believe it. I glance across the room, where Biddix has descended on Paige and is making drunken overtures. She’s laughing at something he’s said, appearing to enjoy herself. While Biddix isn’t looking, Paige locks eyes with me and flashes a save me look that lets me know it’s time to approach.
“I think I will,” I tell Lorne, slapping him on the shoulder and pushing off toward my destination.
Along the way I scan the room for Quim and Calyxto, who are encountering a few hurdles in their quest to meet women. They’re ganging up on one of Dani’s bridesmaids, who excuses herself from the conversation and makes her getaway. They advance to their next target, moving in tandem to engage a lone young woman by the window, typing into her phone. It’s a strange tactic, and it works pretty much as expected. The girl bunches her shoulders like she’s surrounded by spiderwebs and gets out of there. By the time I reach Biddix and Paige, Quim and Calyxto are plopping down on either side of another bridesmaid on the couch.
“Mind if I borrow her for a second?” I ask, tapping Bisquick on the arm.
“For what? Need a chick so you can pretend you’re not a homo?”
“How’d you know?”
He laughs. “I’ve always known. Poor little Ard-Tard. Never grew up and became a man. Have fun.” He musses my hair and heads off in search of someone else to irritate.
“Thanks for rescuing me,” Paige says.
“You’ve got a nose for sniffing out douchebags, don’t you?”
She shrugs. “I sniffed you out.”
I slap a hand to my chest and feign heartache. “Ouch. That hurts. Although technically, I sniffed you out.”
“Yeah you did. Stalker. Shouldn’t you be hiding behind the couch?”
“I would be, except you looked like you needed rescuing.”
“Yeah, I needed a creeper to rescue me from a douchebag.”
“Sounds like an upgrade.”
“Eh.” She waggles a hand.
“What do you expect at a party like this?” My phone vibrates again. I don’t want to be rude, so I let it go.
“I’d really like to know why I’m here.”
“Well, I managed to find out. Lorne claims he told Biddix you two weren’t an item. Says it was Dani’s idea to invite you.”
“Seriously? That bitch.”
“I’ve got a feeling Lorne let it happen because of me.”
“Because of you?”
“Like he’s trying to set us up or something. It’s stupid.”
“You’d think that was stupid, huh?”
“No. I mean… I don’t know if that’s the real reason.” I feel my face reddening. “If I could read my brother’s mind, I’d tell you.”
“You can’t?”
I laugh. “No. Can you?”
“Oh, absolutely. I have two brothers.”
“And you can read their minds.”
“We have a connection.”
“Like a psychic connection?”
“Like we know what each other are thinking. My older brother Sam, he’ll call me up and know something’s wrong before I say a word. We’ve always been close like that.”
“Wow. That sounds pretty special. I’m jealous. I don’t have any brothers or sisters.”
“Huh?” She laughs. “Your brother and sister are both in this room.”
I freeze, realizing my brain-dead mistake. I was trying to be myself, and I forgot myself wasn’t Cade Cadigan. I recover quickly. “I’m kidding. Lorne and Carmine would love to disown me, I’m sure. We’ve never been close like that—like the stuff you’re talking about. I should be better about staying in touch with them, but life gets busy. You know?”
“It’s the thought that counts.”
“Unless you’re the guy who forgets the parachutes on a skydiving trip.”
She laughs. “Are you speaking from personal experience?”
“Oh, no. I never forget the parachutes. The plane, sometimes. Never the parachutes.”
“I don’t think I’ll go skydiving with you.”
My cell goes off again. This time it keeps buzzing; a call. I pull it out and look at the ID. Shenn. “Give me a second. I have to take this.”
Paige nods.
I step away and answer. “Hello?”
“Hey, dummy. I’ve been trying to reach you.”
“I’m at my brother’s party. I told you about this.”
“How is it? Does it suck balls like all the others?”
“Worse in some ways. Better in others. What’s up?”
“There’s a portal opening tonight. You said you wanted to be here for the next one.”
“You bet I do. What time?”
“About an hour from now. Meet us at home base?”
“Sure. I’ve got guests with me, though. Alright if I bring Quim and Calyxto?”
“Is that the fiend?”
“Yeah. And my best friend, the changeling.”
Shenn sighs. “I’ll check with Dad and make sure it’s okay, but go ahead and bring them unless you hear back from me.”
“Right on. See you soon.”
“Girlfriend?” Paige asks when I get back.
“Huh? Oh, no. I don’t have one of those. I do need to run, though. It was great seeing you.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Yeah. You too.”
“If you want, I can call you sometime and we can hang out.”
“Hang out.” She air quotes. “What does that mean?”
I shrug. “Whatever you want it to mean.”
She studies me. “Okay, Ard-Tard. Call me.”
“I will, as long as you promise to always call me that for the rest of forever.”
“I’ll write it on your tombstone.”
“Wow, you just took things in a serious direction. Happy-fun-time is over.”
“I always keep my promises, Ard-Tard.”
I make a new contact in my cell, type in her name, and hand it to her. “So do I.”
She types in her number. “So you promise you’ll call me?”
“Sure I do.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
Her tone is such that I believe she will. If this turns into something, it’s got the potential to be my first normal relationship in… forever. It’s amusing to think the last girl I dated was a spy sent to uncover my secret identity. Before that, I fell for a werewolf during a drug-induced stupor, and she ended up dating my best friend for six months. And the woman I’ve been in love with for almost a year is supposed to be my sister. My romantic track record is far from stellar. Here’s hoping this is a refreshing change. The thought of explaining my brief but troubled dating history to Paige makes me laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Joke I heard the other day.”
“I like jokes.” She waits.
“It’s not appropriate… for the setting.”
“Bullcrap.”
“You’ve got a sailor’s mouth to go with that douchebag-sniffing nose.”