by Harper Sloan
I stayed by his side, just like I'd promised, and I tried to cover him in my light. Giving him what he needed--my love.
It took us hours and a few more breakdowns before we were able to even make a dent in packing up his brother's memories. It was when I found him sitting on the edge of Coop's bed, his pillow clutched in his arms and his sobs echoing around the room, that I knew we needed to go.
He didn't fight me. I helped him out to the truck, into the passenger's seat, and drove us back to my place--or rather our place since he pretty much is living there at this point. He was like a zombie the whole time, still clutching that damn pillow. Joe gave us a concerned look when we walked through the lobby door, but I waved him off with a small smile. He nodded his head and continued whatever he had been messing with on the computer.
That night, I fed a still silent Asher, put him in the shower with me, and tried my hardest to wash away the sadness that was coating him like a thick jacket. The whole time, I worried that he was slipping back into that darkness and I wouldn't be able to get him back this time.
We fell asleep, my arms holding him close to my body, his head resting against my chest, and his arms wrapped around my waist.
I woke up again to wetness against my chest and his body shaking. My heart broke for every violent shudder that racked his body. When he lifted his head and looked into my eyes, I didn't know what to expect. But what came out of his mouth will forever be something I remember.
"I don't think I would have survived that had you not been there. I told you before that you're my light, my Sunshine, and baby, if it hadn't been for you shining that light on me today, I wouldn't have escaped that pain."
I gulped my sob, wanting nothing more than to break down in that moment. He leaned up, giving me the softest kiss before taking my body in a lovemaking that was so pure I felt like our souls had merged into one.
When he gasped my name as he came, words of our love for each other whispered in the darkness, I knew that, even though he might still have hard moments, we had jumped a huge hurdle that he'd needed in his healing.
"Chelcie?"
"Back here, baby!" I call out, finishing out the last chapter I had written. A sense of pride fills me when I look down at the word count. Holy shit, I'm really doing this!
"What are you up to? Don't we need to head out?" He nuzzles my neck, trailing hot kisses along as he moves up to rest his chin on the top of my head.
"Uh, nothing?" Dammit, I really need to work on this answering-him-with-a-question crap. He always sees right through my being evasive.
Truth is, I haven't told anyone that I'm writing this book. I've been working on it for so long that I think I always thought it just wouldn't get finished. Or maybe the fear is what keeps me from telling anyone. It's a part of me that I've kept so close that it almost feels like a betrayal to my mind...as stupid as that sounds. Or if I admit it out loud, then it becomes real--the pressure to do it, to succeed becomes real.
"Sunshine, stop thinking and let me in."
"It's, uh... It's a book I've been working on," I groan, knowing that I sound like a complete fool. I bury my head in my hands and wait for his laughter.
"A book? Damn, that's astounding babe. Did you just start this?"
I turn around and look at him, the shock and love clear on his face. There is nothing but respect and happiness for me. For me and my dream. I smile so large that it hurts my face, knowing damn well that I must look wonky.
"You okay there?" he laughs, mirth apparent with each word.
"Never been better, baby. Never been better."
He kisses me with what starts off as one of those sweet kisses I love so much, but it turns quickly into a devouring of mouths.
"Must be one hell of a book if I get this kind of reaction from you." He smiles down at me, looking so happy that my heart swells.
"It's nothing," I nervously groan.
"Don't do that," he sternly bursts. "Don't diminish something that is obviously important to you. Your dreams are important to me. I want to be here to enjoy them, cheer you on, and lift you up. This isn't a one-man show, sunshine. You there for me and me alone. No, it doesn't work like that with me. So let me ask you again--what is this book you're working on?" His tone leaves no room for arguing, and I can see in his eyes that he means it. He wants to be there and he genuinely wants me to tell him.
"I started working on this book idea I had a few years ago. I never thought that I would do anything more than play with it, but the story has been demanding I finish it lately. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I need to write it more than I need to breathe. It sounds so silly." I try to hide my face again, afraid that I might start crying and basket-case Chelcie will come out to play.
"Chelcie, there is nothing about that that sounds silly. I'm so proud of you. It takes serious guts to be able to write something that means that much to you. I hope one day you'll let me read it."
"You really want to read it? It's not like...man stuff. It's romance, baby." I place one hand on his solid chest and the other against his cheek.
He turns his head, nuzzling my palm for a second before placing one of his famous sweet kisses against my skin. My whole body swoons from just that alone.
"You bet that sweet ass I want to read it. Come on. We'll talk about this kick-ass book of yours on the way to the doctor." He leans in and places a kiss against my stomach before standing up. "Time to figure out if I need to buy stock in Smith & Wesson or Magnum."
"Oh, God! You're incorrigible!" I laugh, slapping his hard abs while I stand.
"Come on, woman. Let's get out of here so I can get you back and strip you naked."
Chapter 21 - Asher
"What are you thinking about?" Chelcie questions from the passenger's seat.
God, she looks beautiful. The sun's hitting her blonde hair, making it look like she's got a halo around her. She's got on some tight shirt that puts so much emphasis on her belly. And damn, that belly--she went from hardly showing to popping out overnight. And it's the most attractive thing I've ever seen.
I don't even know how to explain it. I know the baby isn't mine, but in my mind, I love him or her just as if it were. Chelcie talked to me the other night about it, her worries that I might not be with her for the right reasons, but I stopped that crazy shit right away. That woman has no clue how much I love her. I never thought I would be capable of this. Never thought that I could trust a woman enough to hand over my heart, my emotions, and play a game of chance. With her, there's no doubt that this is real.
I fought the feelings I had for her before I even knew that there was a baby. Knowing she's pregnant, and with Coop's baby, isn't awkward or confusing for me. I can separate my feelings. I love them both differently. She's my reason for getting up in the morning. My reason for knowing that I can get up in the morning. And that baby? God, that baby gives me a little hope. Hope that the world isn't a giant fucked-up version of Hell. That innocent baby, my brother's baby, is my blood and I will love it just like it was my own.
"Ash?" she inquirers at my silence, turning slightly in her seat to face me.
I grab her hand, giving her a squeeze before I place our joined hands against her bump. "Just thinking about how different my life is than it was a few months ago. I'm happy, Chelcie. I'm really happy and I didn't think I would feel that way again."
She smiles that fucking gorgeous smile at me, and I notice a second too late that she's about to lose it. She clutches my hand, bringing it up to her chest at an awkward angle, and hugs it. If I weren't accustomed to her whiplash-like mood swings, I would be alarmed. I smile knowingly at her and wait for the tears to stop and her grip to lighten up on my hand.
"I'm sorry," she hiccups.
"There's nothing to be sorry about. Not sure what brought on the waterworks, Sunshine. Least I can tell that's a good thing."
"Oh hush, you! It is a good thing. I'm so proud of you, Ash." She sobers, leans her head against the seat, and looks a
t me, her eyes dark with emotion.
"And why exactly are you proud of me?" I joke.
"You've come so far. You're fighting that darkness all on your own, Ash." She sighs. "You have no idea how incredible you are."
I look over at her in shock. How can she even begin to think that I've done this alone? My God, if it weren't for her, I would still be lost. She's the reason I'm not trapped in that black hole of grief.
"You really believe that, don't you? That I did this all on my own?"
She nods, looking perplexed at my question.
"Damn, woman. One of these days, you're going to see just how much you give me. I didn't do this alone. I did this with you right by my side." Her eyes start to fill with tears, and this time, I know what's coming before she starts. "Chelcie. Dry it up, baby. Nothing to cry about, okay?"
She nods her head, kisses her fingers, and brings them to my cheek. "If I didn't have this big ol' belly, I would kiss the mess out of you, Asher."
"Right back at ya, babe."
We make the rest of the drive to the doctor in a comfortable silence. I let the nerves pick back up at the thought of this coming appointment.
"So tell me what I'm about to experience."
She laughs when she hears the stress in my tone. No lie, I'm edgy as hell right now. I keep picturing all these instruments of torture coming for her belly.
"Just the normal stuff. The nurse will check my weight--speaking of, you are NOT allowed to look!" I laugh and nod my head, willing her to continue. "Then they'll make me pee in a cup--once again, no looking at that either--then check my blood pressure and ask me a million questions about how I've felt the last month. Then the doctor will come in and ask me the same questions all over again. It's really kind of boring. She'll move my belly around a bunch, measure it, and then ask me more questions."
"That's it? Well, uh...how are they supposed to tell you what the baby is if all they do is touch your belly? Is there some way to tell by moving it around?"
She laughs, the music of her amusement dancing around inside of my Jeep. "Baby, I'll get an ultrasound. They just place some goopy gel on my stomach and place a little wand over it, move it around, and take a bunch of measurements. Then, if the baby is cooperating, we will get to see between his or her legs and hopefully know what we're having."
Hearing her say we're causes my heart to leap in my chest. Goddamn, this woman unmans me.
"I like the sound of that," I tell her honestly.
"What? That I get some goopy gel?" she snickers.
"No, Sunshine--you said we're. What we're having. I love how that sounds."
She doesn't say anything, and I look over at her. Once again, she's bawling, but this time, she's trying her hardest to keep her shit together. I burst out laughing, earning me a light smack to my arm.
"This isn't funny!" she smarts.
"You're right. It's hilarious."
She smacks me again, but I notice that her tears have dried up and she's looking out the window with a small smirk on her lips.
***
We've been sitting in these damn narrow chairs for the last hour. I shift a few times uncomfortably, wishing I could get out of this room. There are at least fifteen other pregnant chicks in here. Some have bigger bellies than Chelcie's, but some are huge--so huge that I swear I can see their babies moving. I look back over at Chelcie's belly again with what must be a look of horror because she starts laughing lightly.
"Would you relax?" she says with a hushed tone.
I lean over so that my lips are right up against her ear. "Sunshine, would you be able to relax if all you could picture was a little alien popping out of one of their bellies? Just like in that damn Spaceballs movie. I swear to God, if that happens, you're on your own because I'm out of here."
She starts laughing loudly, drawing the attention of the room--well, the part of the room that wasn't already undressing me with their eyes.
"Goddammit, I'm in some weird hormone bubble and I feel violated. Oh so violated," I complain under my breath, earning even more giggles out of Chelcie. I try to scowl at her, but that only causes her to laugh louder.
She holds her hands up in surrender, trying her hardest to calm down. I just shake my head and look back down at the pregnancy magazine she handed me when we sat down. I think I've been reading the same article for the last thirty minutes.
What in the fuck is a mucus plug?
I'm so out of my element right now.
"You two are just lovely together. Congratulations on your baby," the woman next to me says. "I'm here with my daughter. Her husband is overseas--bless his heart. Anyway, I'm here to be support if she needs me. It's so wonderful to see a couple so in love."
"Thank you, ma'am. And please tell your son-in-law thank you for his service."
She looks over at me with a question in her pale eyes before a wide smile takes over her weathered face. "What branch were you, son?"
"Marines, ma'am. One tour."
She smiles kindly, her hand reaching out to pat mine. "Such a fine young man. I'll pass that on. And thank you for your bravery, honey. It takes a strong soul to be able to do what y'all do."
I swallow the uncomfortable lump in my throat and try to think of an appropriate response. I'm saved from replying when an attractive woman wobbles out and walks over. She smiles and asks the older woman if she's ready. I get one more pat on my hand before she gets up and leaves.
I look back down at my hands holding this stupid magazine and try to get my head together. If only she knew how broken my soul has been.
"She's right, you know," Chelcie whispers.
I don't respond. I just sit there, reach out, and grasp her hand with mine, giving her a tight squeeze. I've never felt brave. I've felt compelled to give Coop a better life, to fight with him for our freedom in more ways than one. But I always felt like a fraud because I joined the Marines to make sure I was there for Coop, and I've always felt incredibly selfish for my motivations.
"Ms. Avery?"
We both look up when Chelcie's name is called. I can't help but frown when I hear her last name. She should have my last name. The world should know that she is my woman, and I vow right here and now to make sure that happens sooner than later.
I toss the magazine on the chair next to me and stand to help Chelcie up. She laughs but takes my hand anyway, and we make our way back to the exam room.
She was spot on when she told me what would happen. She got pissed as hell when I acted like I was looking at the scale, and I've been laughing about it since the nurse left the room ten minutes ago.
"I told you not to look! Oh, God...I'm going to get fat and you're going to be so disgusted!"
Well, that sure sobered my amusement real quick. After getting up from my seat, I walk over to her. "Chelcie, I was just joking. Trust me right now, okay? There isn't anything that could make me find you disgusting. Looking at you, with that sexy belly, those full breasts just begging for my mouth, those hot-as-hell hips begging for my fingers to dig in deep. Baby, there is nothing in the world that could ever make you disgusting."
"Oh." She looks up at me, and once again, she bursts into tears.
I just shake my head and pull her into my arms. "We need to work on all this damn crying," I joke.
A brisk knock on the door has me stepping away, unsure of where I should be. An older Spanish woman walks in with a smile on her face. She introduces herself as Dr. Sosa and starts asking Chelcie a bunch of questions. She doesn't even bat an eye at my being here. It gives me a warm sense of pride that she just knows that I'm here with my woman.
I am so lost in thought that I miss her doing half of her exam on Chelcie. I look over to see her placing a small drop of gel on her stomach and wonder if this is it. Chelcie, perceptive as always, looks over and shakes her head slowly with a smile on her face. When the doctor pulls some small box with a microphone-looking thing on it out of her lab coat, I can feel my brows turn in. Well, this wasn't on the list o
f what would happen.
"Calmate, Daddy. I'm just listening to your bebe's heartbeat."
My eyes widen and shoot to Chelcie when I hear her call me Daddy. We haven't discussed my role in the baby's life. Will I be the uncle/boyfriend, the uncle/husband, the uncle/daddy? Because every time I think I should bring it up, I feel even more confused. I know what I want--I want to raise this baby as if it were my own--but I also want him or her to know who their daddy is. I will never let a day go by that this baby doesn't know how much their daddy wishes he could be here. But yeah--I want to be the daddy in the sense of the word.
I take a chance and look over at Chelcie. She's looking at me with an expression of love and contentment. I take a deep breath and squeeze her hand. Whatever just happened here, we can talk about later, but right now, all I feel is peace and happiness.
Then it happens.
I look over at Dr. Sosa then down to Chelcie's belly, where that weird microphone is pressed against her skin. The noise echoing through the room sounds like a million horses running at rapid speed. I widen my eyes when I realize what that noise is.
Holy Lord, that's the heartbeat!
I stand there in shock, my eyes refusing to move from her stomach even after Dr. Sosa removes the microphone thing and goes to address Chelcie.
"Oh, carino, the bebe sounds perfect. 142 beats per minute. Nice and healthy." She smiles and moves to the computer on the desk. "Are you ready for the ultrasound? Such an exciting time, yes?"
"Yes, Dr. Sosa. I've been waiting for this appointment since I found out I was pregnant. Do you think that we'll be able to find out the gender today?" Chelcie asks wistfully.
"I believe that, if you've got a cooperative little one, then we should have no troubles."
I help Chelcie off the table and steady her until she can straighten her clothing. She looks up at me, questions in her eyes, and I just smile. I know she's wondering how I'm dealing with all of this. Truth be told, this is the most astounding moment of my life. I can't describe what that felt like. To hear the life growing inside her belly was thrilling and magical. I don't think, until this moment, that it had really hit me that this is real.