by Chloe Finch
“You’re right,” Grace said miserably, leaning on her elbow. She knew that was what Jessica would say. And she was right. But there was part of her that still had feelings for Zach, no matter how huge of a dick he was.
“You don’t have to listen to me though. Just because I wouldn’t take the guy back doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. He clearly cares about you.”
“You really believe that though?” Grace said. She doubted every word Zach had said to her since the video came out.
“Absolutely. He’s fucking dying over losing you. Have you seen him? He looks like shit ever since you kicked him to the curb.”
Grace sighed. She stared at the ship’s wheel table. There was a compass in the middle of it with the arrow pointing west. Whoever designed it didn’t even know how compasses work.
“I guess so,” she said. “You could be right. It’s hard to explain, but he really was totally different when it was just the two of us. He was actually nice. But if what you’re saying is true, and he actually does care about me, what’s up with letting everything think he hates me?”
“You got me there,” Jessica said. “No excuse other than he’s a massive jerk.”
Grace frowned.
“Listen, you’re both miserable without each other. Maybe if he makes a change, you should keep an open mind.” Jessica fished a miniature pterodactyl out of her drink and pushed it across the table towards Grace.
* * *
Zach
Zach had been majorly screwing up at work, something he never did. Work was usually the respite from whatever crazy stuff was happening in his personal life. Now he just couldn’t muster the energy to give a shit.
He got an instant message from Joe. Come to my office when you have a minute. As if things could get any worse, he was getting called to the principal’s office. Though he’d never admit it, Joe was the closest thing Zach had to a father, since his real dad abandoned them for good after his mom died. It was kind of pathetic when you thought about it, considering he hardly saw Joe outside of work and Zach had a decade on any of Joe’s real kids. He was probably going to get his ass handed to him. It wasn’t like he had a defense either. The thing was, Zach was pretty much always on Joe’s good side because he outsold every other salesperson on the team by a mile. Lapped some of them, even.
Usually, even when he was partying too much or said something a little too mean at work, Joe was never really mad at him. He just took him aside and told him to cool it. Some variation of “boys will be boys.” Zach had never actually been so off his game before though. Would Joe turn on him if he sucked now? He didn’t want to find out.
Joe had a bigger office than Zach, but it didn’t have the view his did. Instead the windows were mostly taken up by another skyscraper across the street. Sometimes when they were meeting, Zach got distracted watching the people in the other office like an ant farm.
“What’s going on?” Joe said as soon as Zach sat down. “Is this about your brother?”
Joe had been around long enough to have met Derek back when he was normal. Derek used to come over for lunch when he was still in law school and Zach was a fellow. When Joe saw him for the first time, he did a double take and said, “Oh Christ, there’s two of them?” Joe was one of the few people who could instantly tell them apart. Shortly thereafter he started trying to convince Derek to quit law school and join the sales team.
“Actually, it’s about Grace. From the fellow class,” Zach said.
Joe made a big show of rolling his eyes. “That’s what this is about? Girl trouble? Never a good idea. Never go looking for love at work.”
“It started when you gave her all my good prospects,” Zach said, offended that Joe was brushing off his problems.
“Oh my god, Zach,” Joe said. “You can’t be serious. I gave her your prospects because she’s good. Have you seen her present? She’s a natural. Yeah, I’m going to give her good prospects. You hoard them anyways. You have enough to give everyone a dozen and still have enough for yourself.”
In the office building behind him, someone was having a birthday party. People were gathered around one cube that was decorated with streamers and balloons. There was a cake. They really went all out over there.
“That’s not true,” he said. He sounded like a little kid. He knew he was being petty about the prospects. He decided to tell Joe the rest. “And that’s not the only problem.”
“Spit it out, then,” Joe said.
He did his best to give a synopsis, leaving out the worst parts.
“Listen,” Joe said when he was finished. He leaned forward. “I’m going to give you a little tough love here. You think you’re the victim, but you’re not. Derek didn’t say that awful shit about Grace—you did. You’re the one who got her tangled up in your personal drama, not Derek.”
“Yeah, but—”
Joe cut him off. “No, listen. You’re in the driver seat of your life. You make the calls, and you get to decide where it goes. All this woe-is-me crap is just that—crap. You know it is. You let Derek jerk you around. You know you don’t have to put up with his bullshit. You pretend he’s in charge of everything so you don’t have to take any responsibility.”
He was right. Zach had been so busy blaming Derek for everything, he never stopped to consider that he shared some of the blame himself. He shook his head. “I know I need to make some changes, but what do I do? How do I get her to forgive me?”
“Zach. You have a book of business worth eight million dollars. Clearly you’re a smart guy. Figure it out. Why is she upset?”
Zach stared out the window at the ant farm office. They were singing now, to the birthday person. “Because I humiliated her,” he said.
“By…” Joe spun his hand in a motion like he was pulling a rope.
“By saying that I was using her. That I didn’t actually like her and was just fucking with her. And that other people found out.”
Joe nodded approvingly. “So you’re saying she thinks you’re ashamed to be with her. Therefore…”
It took Joe saying it for it to finally hit him. Grace thought he was ashamed to be with her. It was so far from the truth it was laughable, but she wouldn’t know that. He’d been terrible to her at work, told Derek on video that he was just screwing with her and had only been really, truly nice to her when no one else was around. What other conclusion could she have come to?
“I have to show her that I’m proud to be with her. Honored, actually.”
Joe nodded, satisfied. “There you go. Knew you’d get there eventually, buddy. Do me a favor and stick to sales though.”
“Thanks, Joe. Really.” He stood.
“You could stand to take her on a real date while you’re at it.”
He laughed. If Grace took him back, he was going to take her out to the best damn restaurant in the city every night.
Chapter Fifteen
Grace
Apex weekend was finally here, and Grace couldn’t be less excited. With everything that had been going on with Zach, the event was even less appealing than it normally would have been. At least the team-building portion was at a spa.
Inside the high-rise building, you’d never know you were still in New York. Stepping off the elevator was like being transported to a tropical luxury resort. It was totally silent except for a soundtrack of gentle wind chimes, and it smelled like jasmine and oranges. The whole floor was decorated in a Scandinavian palette of blond wood and white.
The first half of the day was spent on individual treatments. Grace opted for the facial and seaweed wrap at Jessica’s suggestion, not really knowing what they were. So she was totally surprised when the spa worker covered her in mud and wrapped her up like a sushi roll. What was she thinking trusting Jessica’s recommendation? Once she got over the initial panic of not being able to move though, it was actually kind of nice. Unfortunately, it also made her think of Zach tying her up, which was a mixed bag of emotions.
After that she was
sent to the sauna, which was separated by gender. June was the only other person in there. Her hair was up in a perfect bun, and she was leaning against the warm wood with her eyes closed, towel wrapped around her. Grace considered turning right around and leaving, but June opened her eyes and smiled, and there was no longer an easy out. Grace sat as far from June as possible in the small room and pretended to be interested in the pattern of wood on the wall.
June didn’t waste time. Grace had hardly sat down when she said, “Did you talk to Zach?”
Grace groaned internally. This was exactly the conversation she didn’t want to have. She smiled politely. “We aren’t seeing each other anymore, if that’s what you mean. You can have him.”
“Have him?” June said, bemused.
“Oh, sorry. He said you hadn’t, you know. I just assumed…” Grace trailed off, wishing she hadn’t said anything.
“Oh my god, that fucking dummy,” June said, affectionately. She laughed. “We’re just friends.”
“Right. I just thought now that we’re not together you might, I don’t know. Never mind.” She was only making things worse.
“I’m gay,” June said bluntly.
“Wait, you mean you don’t like him?” This whole time she thought June was all over Zach because they were having sex, at least until Zach told her they weren’t. Then she assumed they just hadn’t yet, or that he was the one who wasn’t into it.
“Listen, I know what it looks like. I’ve had enough girlfriends freak out about it. But honestly, it’s platonic,” June said.
Grace couldn’t wrap her head around the idea. “But…why?”
June laughed again. “It’s hard to explain. It started years ago when we were both fellows. Zach offered to be my fake boyfriend so the frat boy creeps would leave me alone.”
That part at least made sense. But the way Zach and June flirted was so much more than a fake boyfriend. All they would have had to do was hold hands or something, not sexually harass each other.
“Sorry,” Grace said. “But wouldn’t something a little more subtle have worked?”
“That’s the part that’s hard to explain.” June smiled as if she found Grace’s confusion amusing. “We found it hilarious to get a reaction out of people. It escalated pretty quickly, like a never-ending game of truth or dare. Well, until you two started hanging out at least. I didn’t put two and two together for a long time. He was just suddenly being all pissy about it and didn’t think it was funny anymore. It all made sense once I finally connected the dots. Either way, trust me, I am not fucking him.” She shivered like she found the idea slightly disturbing.
The wave of relief she felt at learning that Zach was telling the truth about not having sex with June dissipated quickly. “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway,” Grace said. “Because neither am I.”
June scooted down the bench closer to Grace and lowered her voice. “Listen, it’s none of my business, and frankly I understand why you dumped Zach’s ass. He certainly deserves it. But I just want to tell you I’ve never seen him like this about anyone else.”
“Like what?” Grace said. She was suddenly very tired.
“He’s head over heels for you. Trust me. He has a shitty way of showing it, I know. I don’t want to make excuses for him, but he knows he fucked up, and he doesn’t know how to deal with things sometimes. He plays it like he’s some rich, privileged jerk from Connecticut, and I don’t know how much he’s told you, but he’s had a hard life.”
“He told me,” Grace said. “A little of it at least.” Her heart ached for Zach, even now. Even though she didn’t know if she could ever forgive him, it didn’t mean he deserved his awful childhood.
June nodded. “I have similarly terrible parents. It’s hard to understand if you didn’t have that kind of upbringing, but it fucks with your head. You develop all these crazy coping mechanisms to deal with shit, and then you get out into the real world and everyone thinks you’re a psychopath.”
“I’m sorry,” Grace said, because she couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“I don’t need sympathy,” June said. “Neither does Zach. I’m just telling you this because it might not be obvious from the outside, but he really cares about you. Honestly, it’s fucking weird to see.”
Grace laughed. It was true—it was weird to see Zach sincere. It was kind of adorable.
“Thanks,” Grace said. She was so busy being jealous of June, she never considered that she might actually like her as a person. As it turns out, she was pretty great.
* * *
Zach
In the afternoon after the big meditation lesson, they were split up into groups and sent to smaller rooms to actually try meditating for an hour on their own. It was time to start executing his plan, and he was buzzing with nervous energy. Looking at him, you’d never know. On the outside he was all calm and controlled. Relaxed even. A good poker face was one of many skills he developed as a kid that turned out to be extremely useful in sales. He checked the list for which room Grace was in and slipped in before it started.
“Mind if I sit here?” He asked, gesturing to a spot on the floor next to her.
“Go right ahead,” she said. “It’s a free country.”
He almost laughed at the lame comeback but was too focused on his plan and didn’t want to screw things up. This was part one: apologize one-on-one. He dropped a pillow on the floor next to her.
“Great,” he said cheerfully.
She closed her eyes, pretending to meditate even though they weren’t supposed to start for another six minutes.
“I wanted to talk to you. Apologize, actually,” he said.
She opened one eye to shoot him an annoyed look.
“I’m really sorry for what happened with Derek and the video and everything. I want you to know I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I realize I absolutely did. I was trying to protect you, but I did it the dumbest fucking way possible. I’m a total idiot.”
“At least we can agree on that,” she said. Her expression was unreadable, and it was agony not knowing what she was thinking. Nothing to do now except plow ahead with the apology.
“I know I’ve been blaming Derek for everything, but I finally got it through my thick head that I am the only one responsible for my life, not Derek. I started, ah, therapy I guess you’d call it. And I’m moving again. Cutting him off for real.” His throat was dry. He swallowed hard. “And I stopped drinking. I’m not going to meetings or anything; it isn’t that dramatic. But I stopped.”
“I’m really glad to hear it, Zach. Those are all real, tangible steps.” Her voice was measured, polite. It was impossible to say if she was actually reconsidering her stance or if she was just being courteous to make him go away. He was relieved she was saying anything at all.
“It’s all for you, you know.” The cool, calm exterior broke when his voice cracked.
She finally opened her eyes. “What do you mean?” She stared at him intently, like she was trying to read something in his eyes.
“I’m in love with you.” He had planned to say more about emotional maturity but he tossed out the script and said the only thing that mattered. It was the first time he said the words to anyone, ever.
She didn’t say anything for several agonizing seconds. She looked sad. “I’m afraid it might be too late for that.”
The words were like a knife to his heart. He continued regardless, “I was falling in love with you from the moment I met you, Grace. I was so stupid. And I treated you like utter shit. You’re the most brilliant and kindhearted person I’ve ever met. I don’t deserve you, truly.”
She opened her mouth to say something, and just before she spoke, the instructor said, “Time starts now, yogis. Please quiet your mouths and your brains.”
Grace snapped her mouth shut and closed her eyes, seemingly grateful for the excuse to not answer.
“Grace,” he whispered. He couldn’t bear the thought of waiting here for a whole hour not knowing.<
br />
She ignored him.
“Grace,” he repeated, a little louder.
“Silence, yogis,” the instructor said.
* * *
Grace
Grace’s heart was pounding. He loved her. It was enough to make her want to float away. She had thought he hated her, then liked her, then hated her again. And now he was saying he loved her? How was she supposed to respond to that?
The declaration seemed sincere. It really did. It was also in front of no one else. He was still unwilling to be public about the fact that he loved her. Her heart fluttered again at the word love. It sounded like he wanted to date her. Hell, it sounded like he wanted to marry her, the way he was talking.
Never did she think she’d have Zach throwing himself at her like this. It was strange. So out of character. A side of him she didn’t know existed. One that was raw and sincere and vulnerable. Maybe therapy was working for him already. Her brain was jumping from yes to no to yes like it was short-circuiting. She’d been burned too many times to jump into his arms. And she was still hurting for what he put her through. No matter what he said, it was going to take some time to trust him again…if she ever really trusted him in the first place.
In no time at all, the instructor said, “Okay, great job, everyone. You may now open your eyes and slowly reenter the physical world.”
Grace jumped up and bolted from the room before Zach could say anything else. She needed more space to think without him staring at her with his gorgeous face and his puppy dog eyes.
* * *
Zach
It was difficult to say if part one of his plan had gone well or not. Though the fact that she hadn’t slapped him in the face and told him to get lost was good. That would have been a perfectly rational response after everything that happened.
After the spa day, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms to change and reconvene for cocktail hour at the swanky hotel bar. Zach was wearing the tux he bought after the second time he won salesperson of the year. He rented the first year, then decided the investment was worth it if he was going to be up on stage every year accepting the biggest award of the night. Presumptuous? Yes. Correct? Also yes. He’d won every year since.